September 5th, 2016
My daughters are partying today. They know that, as of tomorrow morning, their lives will change. Every day, we have the talk about homeschooling. "Why can't you just homeschool us?" they ask. Of course, in their minds, homeschooling would be just like summer holidays-the beach, trampoline, pets dolls, play dates, ice cream, parks, swimming and biking. When I explain that homeschooling means they would be studying the same topics as in school minus their friends, they get more contemplative and quiet.
This is a stressful time of the year for many parents and their children. Some children love school and count down the days. However, for many children, the anxiety of not knowing who will be in their class or who their home room teacher will be leads to worrying and sleepless nights.
I know that, as I type this, loads of parents are preparing to bring their 4 year olds to school for the first time. There will be nerves, tears, maybe guilt and that sinking feeling of emptiness once the child is officially in school.
As a former College Professor, I have seen the same anxiety play out with parents who are driving their young adult children to dorms out of town. They are super organized and very busy unpacking and walking around campus with their son or daughter to get them acquainted with the cafeteria, computer room, classrooms and financial aid office. Then, the dreaded moment arrives, the departure. The tension that has been pent up and hidden for the most part bursts opens like a dam. If you see a middle-aged couple sitting at a Tim's, cradling their cups, looking out the window with that far away gaze, you can bet they have just dropped off their college student.
Parents of teens have their own anxieties. Their teens will undoubtedly know many of the students in their grade but this is a new building. There is the knowledge that these teens are heading into a time of their life where parents are less able to shield and protect them. They will have many important choices to make and their future can be altered depending on those choices. Will they hang out with the "good" crowd of kids or the trouble makers? Will they spend their spare time studying or working on assignments or grabbing some lunch with friends and skipping a few classes? When they are out with their friends, will they be offered smokes, alcohol or drugs? Will they accept or decline the offers? When will they have sex? Will they bother to use contraceptives?
When I was starting my first year in University, a friend of my mom gave me great advice. She said: "Everyone is nervous, they are all feeling the same as you so reach out to them and they will be grateful to have someone to talk to". My first class was an elective German class. I looked around. No one was talking. I turned to the person next to me and started a conversation. The students around us were all listening to our conversation and I made eye contact to include as many as I could. I am a super shy person but her advice gave me the confidence to initiate conversations because I felt like I was helping put others at ease. I forgot about my own fears and anxieties. Thanks Beth!
So, whether your child is returning to elementary school, high school, College or University, there are things you can do to help him/her adjust and, to keep yourself from having a cardiac arrest.
Young child starting Junior Kindergarten:
If your child has not been in daycare, going to play groups is a great way to acquaint them with some of the elements of school such as carpet time, putting shoes and coats away in a cubby, eating out of a lunch kit etc. For children who have never been apart from parents, you may want to try out short programs like gymnastics, art classes, swimming or some kind of experience where they must transfer their trust and attachment to another adult. This teaches them that they can be safe and happy away from you. You can practise writing their name, learning their address and phone number and reciting the alphabet so these notions are familiar to them. Show them all their school supplies. Do they know how to open everything? This helps them feel independent. Can they put on and remove their velcro sneakers on their own? Are they able to take off their coat? It's a good idea to visit the classroom prior to the first day of school, meet the teacher and get acquainted with the layout-where to put shoes, location of desk, place on carpet etc. Talking about what to expect is also beneficial. On the first morning of school, providing a filling breakfast, speaking positively about starting school and having a clean cut off point are all helpful. I waited too long with my youngest. I was standing outside the school yard and when the time came to go into class, my daughter ran to the fence and tried to climb it. The teacher had to pull her off the fence and carry her off. It hurt so bad, I cried all morning. It would have been easier if I went with her to meet the teacher then kissed her, wished her a good first day of school and walked to my car. I just couldn't do it.
Teenagers:
Depending on your relationship with your teen and their personality, you could go out somewhere special and talk about their feelings re: their transition to high school. Visiting the school ahead of time is also a good idea as they know where to go on the first day when the halls are crowded. Meeting the teachers, if possible, is an excellent start. Having a great dialogue with your teen means he or she will be able to discuss issues with you as they come up. Planning to meet up with friends and walk to school together can go a long way toward reducing anxiety about being alone or self-conscious. Welcoming their friends into your home will increase your connection to your teen's friends. You will hear your teen speak freely about fears. It also gives you an opportunity to troubleshoot with them as a group. Being available to talk about the first day after school in a casual way-going for a walk or drive or, while preparing a meal, allows your teen to talk without having to look at you directly. My best conversations with teens in my theatre program was often as we were walking to class not when they sat across from me at the office.
Young Adults:
If your child is off to College or University, you want to make sure you have provided some basic every day living skills. They can cook a few meals, they know how to do their own laundry, they have a budget and know how to manage it, they are acquainted with the buses that can take them to important locations and have a meal plan. Again, visiting the campus, meeting faculty and touring facilities ahead of time makes everything more familiar once your son or daughter moves to the new city. You'll want to explore the city together and find places your child can go-library, coffeehouse, grocery store, bank, movie theatre etc. Letting your son or daughter know that you are just a phone call away and that you love them no matter what will empower them to make good choices while they are away. Troubleshooting is also beneficial. What if they go to a party with someone and that person has too much to drink? If they can't call you because you are out of town, what could they do to get home safely? The more organized they are prior to the first day and the more life skills you have given them, the easier the adjustment.
What about the parents after the child is in school? Empty nesters often feel depressed, lost, sad and confused once the children are in school. Plan something fun for that first day. Go and see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a good book and plan to start it in a warm bath. If you are a stay-at-home parent and your days feel empty without your children, consider volunteering somewhere or working part-time or start a new hobby.
Whatever the circumstances, you are not alone. Talk to people about your feelings and you will hear their stories as well. You may even make a good friend. Good luck to all the parents tomorrow.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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