Alcohol

September 13th, 2016

I have never been a drinker. Growing up, my grandmother and her siblings liked to play cards and drink. I loved the sound of everyone talking, joking and laughing. There was an easy camaraderie among them as they drank, played and smoked. I was too young to play cards or to drink. I don't know where I was or what I was doing while this was happening but I know it all seemed like fun.

I spent a great deal of time with my maternal grandmother. She was very feisty and funny but she spent her days cooking and cleaning. I once asked her what she would have done for a living if she was born in my generation. She answered that she would have cleaned-her own house, other homes, hotels, condos, she just loves to clean and she couldn't imagine herself doing anything else.

There are two skills that my grandmother taught me. She encouraged me to whistle. My grandfather believed that little girls shouldn't whistle. This, of course, made my grandmother insist that I become a great whistler. She also taught me to pour a beer properly. If you tilt the glass and the bottle as you pour the beer, you get less head and more beer. I needed this skill to do a good job pouring her beer every evening. She drank a beer (or two) every night until she died at the ripe age of 100. To this day, every time I smell beer, I am reminded of my grandmother's breath. She used to burp under her breath as she spoke to me and a waft of beer stench would follow. My husband loves beer and it is the biggest turn off for me when he has a beer and comes over for a kiss. It's like kissing my grandma, yuck!

A few years ago, we were at a cottage in Dunrobin. A few doors up from us, our neighbours were playing games like horseshoe and bean bag toss. It reminded me of my grandma and her siblings only, this time, I was invited. I was so excited to be part of the fun. I had a ginger ale and joined the game. About an hour into the game, my husband said we should get back, we had to let the dog out or some other excuse. I thanked them for a fun time and we headed back to our cottage. When we got back, I asked him why he wanted to leave. He explained that some people get happy when they drink and others get nasty. Our host was part of the latter group. I hadn't noticed this but he told me she was making remarks and getting meaner as she drank. He imagined that they would be fighting before long.

My husband comes from a family of drinkers as well. While my loved ones got louder, rowdier, his family members went from holding in their quiet rage to exploding into fist fights, spewing angry, hurtful words. He knew the signs. He had learned to notice the first indications that emotions were escalating. This was a survival tool for him during his childhood, it gave him a head start so he could run and hide before things got ugly.

People drink for different reasons. They may be shy and feel more confident once they've had a drink. They could use it to numb the pain of abuse or in order to belong to a group. One study linked loneliness to addiction. This made me think. No matter what happens in life, it seems more manageable through the support of loved ones. You are no longer alone. That is the whole point of self-help books and support groups. You see that you are not alone and you learn what others have done to get through their own hard times. This gives you hope that you can also overcome your hardship and live a better life.

What if there is no support in your life? What if you are a child and the dangers lurk in your home? How would you know that you can reach out and get help? You would expect other adults to respond just as your parents, aunts and uncles do. This leads to perceived helplessness and the cycle of addiction begins. You don't think anyone else would understand. You can't image that others would care. You perceive yourself as helpless to create anything better for your life. What's left? Numbing your pain. You drink and, suddenly, nothing matters. It doesn't hurt anymore and, as long as you stay drunk, you'll be ok. You can't have anyone challenge your behaviours, drinking "works" for you. You don't want to live without it, it would be too painful so you build a network of friends who also drink, you find your niche. You walk into bars and you belong. You just sit, drink and exchange stories.

The point of this post is twofold. If you have are addicted to alcohol, know that there is support out there, that you can live a better life, one that doesn't depend on staying numb. You deserve to be loved and live your life to the fullest. There is a reason you are here. It could be that what has happened to you, the source of your pain, is precisely why you are here. You are meant to rise above it and help others.

My second point is, if you love someone who is addicted to alcohol, shaming or controlling alcohol consumption will never work. Find the pain at the core of this addiction. Gather a group of individuals to inspire your loved one. This can be support groups, AA meetings, biographies of people who have recovered from alcohol or, self-help books that have a step by step process to make  better choices and develop healthier habits.

You also need to take care of yourself. Never accept abuse from anyone. Whether you love someone who has a mental illness or an addiction, self-care is a must. Setting strong boundaries teaches your loved one about healthy relationships and ensures that you are safe. Do not isolate yourself, reach out and get support. Everything is easier when it is shared.

Anne Walsh
www,artnsoul.org