September 26th, 2016
It's my husband's turn to take the kids to gymnastics tonight. My youngest daughter hugs my waist and my eldest says she prefers when my husband takes them because no one stares at them when he's there. She looks at me apologetically and says, "People always stare at us when you're there". It hurts. I know it shouldn't. I should just shake it off but the hurt lingers. It's not that I care what others think of me, I couldn't care less at this point in my life. It's the effect on my daughters. It hurts that my daughters are made uncomfortable at their favourite activity because of the reaction of strangers to the colour of my skin.
I wrote about this before, my surprise during my mother-in-law's visit when she expressed shock at how rude people were at the local public swimming pool. She noticed them staring at us and she later shared her outrage with my husband. I know it used to make my white mother angry when I was young. She would stare back at people or say, "My God people are ignorant"! I didn't understand it at the time. It seemed like a random outburst. One day she was talking to me about how annoying it is that people stare at me and how they need to get used to people who look different. I started noticing it and it really got on my nerves. Now, years later, I am oblivious to it but, once in a while, other people who are with me notice it and, it still hurts.
When you look or behave differently, people judge you. There are two types of stares: ignorant, curious stares from people who have never seen anyone who looks like you so they are just fixated on you. You'll have entire families at a restaurant or park turn to look at you and watch your every move. The second stare is intimidating. These people hate you and they want you to know. You feel on an energy level that they wish you were dead. It's intense, confusing and sad. Any person of colour whether they are black, white, red or yellow, will tell you how it feels to be judged and hated for no other reason that your looks on a daily basis. It is draining and so useless.
I feel so much compassion for families with a disabled family member. I see people stare at them too. They are trying to eat dinner or enjoy a fun activity. People sit and gawk. It's normal to be curious but non-stop, won't look away gawking is annoying. There is one lady who has a son in a wheelchair. She talks to him in a gentle voice, spoon feeding him, joking with people around them to put them at ease and just being so loving. Then, people walk around them, staring, sometimes saying something to each other within ear shot or looking irritated by the sight or sound of them. I find this behaviour frustrating. I wish these people could see the mean and hurtful impact of their attitude.
Tonight, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are having their debate. I am freaked out that he has even made it this far, that enough people support his beliefs and are willing to elect him. Someone was saying that members of the KKK are already ironing their sheets. I worry that even if he is not elected, too much damage has been done, that old prejudices that we all thought were gone will resurface. This would be very sad for all of us but, especially, for the next generation. Their beliefs and behaviours will determine the direction of future generations.
Why am I writing about this? I needed to vent because I was feeling hurt but I also want to get people who don't get judged, excluded or hated on a daily basis to imagine what it's like to live that way, how draining and hurtful it might be. We are not born prejudiced. It is learned behaviour. On Facebook yesterday, they showed an experiment where a group of people from various countries had their DNA tested. They interviewed them before the test and they had all sorts of prejudiced ideas about other people. Then, when the results were in and they saw that no one was 100% pure white, they started to think of other people as family, not strangers. Some of them turned out to be related. I wish everybody could go through a DNA test. Then, they could apply the energy they once used to judge and hate others toward helping and supporting each other.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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