December 15th, 2016
I was working as my husband's assistant yesterday. Once again, I enjoyed it. The day goes by so quickly, you meet interesting people, you hear about their stories and watch them get an impressive makeover. I think there should be a series about a hairstylist and his family featuring all the regular clients. There would be no end to the material this could cover.
I have been very frustrated lately by the lack of babysitters in our area. As a couple with young children, you need to get out and have an adult conversation on a regular basis. You also want to interact in a romantic way, dressing up, having some bubbly and flirting like you used to. Being a parent is rewarding but you need support and I do not feel that there are adequate supports out there. In some cultures, the mothers have large families and their sisters, mothers, aunts form a huge support system. When you only have one parent or no siblings and you don't live in a culture that promotes the support of parents, it's easy to forget that you exist outside of this role. It can be challenging to stay connected and sexually active with your spouse.
In the absence of support from a family system, modern couples are forced to depend on strangers to watch over their little ones while they get out for some adult time. We were so lucky to have the same babysitter for years. She lived up the road, we knew her mother and she was great with our children. Our daughters loved her and always looked forward to her visits. Her mother was an elementary school teacher. She would often send some craft materials for our children to explore with her daughter. In short, those years were blissful.
Then, she grew up, got a real job and we set off on our search for a new sitter. The girls were heartbroken but when they met a friend of their old babysitter, they were hooked. She was very outgoing and affectionate and the girls were so excited. However, she decided that she could only babysit once a month due to her other job and school and her tutor. We try to get out for supper every week. She recommended her friend. We met with her, the girls saw her long, beautiful hair and were hopeful. They love doing each other's hair and nails. She came over to babysit once or twice but she wasn't available on a few occasions and didn't let me know. She also cancelled at the last minute and asked me to drive her 30 minutes away to a party on another night. This all happened in a six week period. As much as the girls loved her, we needed someone more reliable.
I learned that there was a local network of babysitters on Facebook. I signed up and e-mailed a bunch of them. Some had moved away or were just available in the summer months, most were not willing to come on a weekly basis. Teens whose parents are divorced are often only available when they are with one of their parents, the one who lives in our neighbourhood. We seem to be stuck between two age groups. The older sitters have their own cars but they are busy with part-time jobs or social engagements therefore they are more interested in occasional sitting. The younger sitters will grow with our girls. They are more available but it takes forever to meet them because they have to figure out a time that one of their parents can come with them to check you out. If they don't live close by, you may have a 25 minute drive after each date night. We are waiting to meet with a 14 year old potential babysitter and her mother. Will she be the one? I hope so, we are exhausted and the poor girls have been disappointed over and over again.
As I looked at the Babysitter Facebook page, I noticed just how many families have requested help for one day a week or one segment of each weekday. I said to my husband, if I didn't have my own children, I would just create a calendar with the information from all these families and make a business of it. You could make a killing, there are so many families in need. We only need to go out for two-three hours every Saturday night and we pay well. It shouldn't be that difficult to find someone. We have two well-behaved, adorable girls who are so easy to watch. I can't imagine how hard it must be for parents with younger children or a child with special needs.
If you are a teenager or the parent of a teenager, there is a need for decent babysitters. Couples like us are looking for you, to be part of our village, to make us stronger as a couple and a family thanks to a more balanced life which includes down time and romance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label caregiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label caregiving. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 December 2016
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Male Caregivers
March 6th, 2016
I learned a lot from working in long term care. One of the things I noticed was how men and women approach caregiving. I was so intrigued that I did a research paper about it and was blown away by what I discovered.
Traditionally, women have been the caregivers. We are more likely to choose careers that involve caregiving such as nursing, teaching, social worker, speech pathologist, personal support worker etc. In our households, women generally took care of the children's needs and were more likely to take a maternity leave to devote as much time as possible with our children. We take care of our spouse, maintain connections with other family members, even our in-laws and we host gatherings in our homes.
Traditionally, men, in contrast, have worked outside the home and invested more time in relationships with colleagues or business contacts. They go to work, play a round of golf, stop off at the pub for a drink on their way home etc. At least, that is the way it used to be.
According to my research, as we age, women and men want different things. Women have raised their children and are looking for opportunities to connect with the outside world. They might go back to school to get a degree or get a job where they can use their skills and feel competent. Men have reached a certain level in their career and they are turning toward the homefront, looking for ways to contribute and connect with loved ones. They may mentor one of the adult offsprings or spend more time with them.
Here is the interesting part from a long term care perspective: when an aging parent needs care, each gender has a different reaction. If a woman is experiencing empty nest syndrome, the new caregiving responsibility may be a welcome task. However, if she is still caring for her children or if her children are now grown and she was in the process of training for a new job, this turn of events may leave her feeling resentful. She thought it was her turn to pursue her own goals but now, these have to be put on hold. There were some shocking statistics that indicated that women were more likely to burnout and be abusive toward their ailing parent. They feel burdened, isolated and unsupported.
Men who are asked to help care for an aging parent are more likely to enjoy this opportunity to help out a parent and use it as a bonding experience. They are generally in a position where they can take some time off work or they are retired. The way they care for a parent is different as well. They will ensure that the maintenance of the house and finances are looked after whether they do it themselves or pay someone to do it. They tend to decide what they can do and delegate the rest to others. If they have no siblings to help out, they will pay for the help or make arrangements for the parent to move to a home.
Women take everything on and feel guilty if they delegate caregiving tasks to an agency or personal support worker. Women feel that they should be helping the parent and the parent may encourage this saying they feel uncomfortable when someone else bathes them or that no one else can clean the house to their standards or they may complain about the food that gets delivered to their home. This results in a stressed daughter or daughter-in-law.
In most families there is a primary caregiver, usually a daughter or daughter-in-law. She is the one the parents turn to whenever anything goes wrong. The primary caregiver visits more often, takes on the most responsibilities, knows what medication the parents are taking, when their next appointment is and, who they have seen and for what, in the past. When the parents' health deteriorates, family members defer to the primary caregiver. She may ask for support from siblings but they are used to her doing everything and will most likely not step in or do very little. This is where the danger of burnout begins and why there is a risk that the caregiving relationship will become abusive.
There are lots of holes in our health care system. The caregiver can get lost looking for services that will help fill the gaps in her parent's life. It can seem easier at first just to plug in all those holes on her own. However, as the gaps become wider and the needs get more complex, the caregiver is often confronted with the reality that moving the parent to a facility may be the only logical solution. That is when I met most of the caregivers, during a visit to the long term care facility. The parent would visit, convinced that this was not going to happen. The daughter or daughter-in-law would look around, feeling emotional and guilty, worrying about this important decision, wishing someone else could take over.
We often leave men out of the caregiving equation, yet, research demonstrates that caregiving is developmentally appropriate and beneficial for middle-aged to older men and, that they are skilled at caregiving in a balanced way so they are less likely to burnout. We need to pay attention to this information and apply it by including men in conversations, training and decision-making. It could lead to less women feeling alone and overwhelmed while providing men with an opportunity to use their skills to serve their family. Food for thought.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I learned a lot from working in long term care. One of the things I noticed was how men and women approach caregiving. I was so intrigued that I did a research paper about it and was blown away by what I discovered.
Traditionally, women have been the caregivers. We are more likely to choose careers that involve caregiving such as nursing, teaching, social worker, speech pathologist, personal support worker etc. In our households, women generally took care of the children's needs and were more likely to take a maternity leave to devote as much time as possible with our children. We take care of our spouse, maintain connections with other family members, even our in-laws and we host gatherings in our homes.
Traditionally, men, in contrast, have worked outside the home and invested more time in relationships with colleagues or business contacts. They go to work, play a round of golf, stop off at the pub for a drink on their way home etc. At least, that is the way it used to be.
According to my research, as we age, women and men want different things. Women have raised their children and are looking for opportunities to connect with the outside world. They might go back to school to get a degree or get a job where they can use their skills and feel competent. Men have reached a certain level in their career and they are turning toward the homefront, looking for ways to contribute and connect with loved ones. They may mentor one of the adult offsprings or spend more time with them.
Here is the interesting part from a long term care perspective: when an aging parent needs care, each gender has a different reaction. If a woman is experiencing empty nest syndrome, the new caregiving responsibility may be a welcome task. However, if she is still caring for her children or if her children are now grown and she was in the process of training for a new job, this turn of events may leave her feeling resentful. She thought it was her turn to pursue her own goals but now, these have to be put on hold. There were some shocking statistics that indicated that women were more likely to burnout and be abusive toward their ailing parent. They feel burdened, isolated and unsupported.
Men who are asked to help care for an aging parent are more likely to enjoy this opportunity to help out a parent and use it as a bonding experience. They are generally in a position where they can take some time off work or they are retired. The way they care for a parent is different as well. They will ensure that the maintenance of the house and finances are looked after whether they do it themselves or pay someone to do it. They tend to decide what they can do and delegate the rest to others. If they have no siblings to help out, they will pay for the help or make arrangements for the parent to move to a home.
Women take everything on and feel guilty if they delegate caregiving tasks to an agency or personal support worker. Women feel that they should be helping the parent and the parent may encourage this saying they feel uncomfortable when someone else bathes them or that no one else can clean the house to their standards or they may complain about the food that gets delivered to their home. This results in a stressed daughter or daughter-in-law.
In most families there is a primary caregiver, usually a daughter or daughter-in-law. She is the one the parents turn to whenever anything goes wrong. The primary caregiver visits more often, takes on the most responsibilities, knows what medication the parents are taking, when their next appointment is and, who they have seen and for what, in the past. When the parents' health deteriorates, family members defer to the primary caregiver. She may ask for support from siblings but they are used to her doing everything and will most likely not step in or do very little. This is where the danger of burnout begins and why there is a risk that the caregiving relationship will become abusive.
There are lots of holes in our health care system. The caregiver can get lost looking for services that will help fill the gaps in her parent's life. It can seem easier at first just to plug in all those holes on her own. However, as the gaps become wider and the needs get more complex, the caregiver is often confronted with the reality that moving the parent to a facility may be the only logical solution. That is when I met most of the caregivers, during a visit to the long term care facility. The parent would visit, convinced that this was not going to happen. The daughter or daughter-in-law would look around, feeling emotional and guilty, worrying about this important decision, wishing someone else could take over.
We often leave men out of the caregiving equation, yet, research demonstrates that caregiving is developmentally appropriate and beneficial for middle-aged to older men and, that they are skilled at caregiving in a balanced way so they are less likely to burnout. We need to pay attention to this information and apply it by including men in conversations, training and decision-making. It could lead to less women feeling alone and overwhelmed while providing men with an opportunity to use their skills to serve their family. Food for thought.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 25 February 2016
Parent for life
February 23rd, 2016
The issue of caring for children even into adulthood never occurred to me until a woman asked for help with her son. He was employed a few hours a week and needed a ride home from work. The mother was able to drop him off on her way to work but she couldn't bring him back home after his shift just a few hours later. Her son had just graduated from high school and this was his first opportunity to work in the community. For young adults with Asperger Syndrome, transitioning from high school can be tricky. An opportunity to gain work skills can not be passed up. I was free at the time her son was done his shift so I offered to give him a ride home.
I wasn't sure what to expect. He was waiting for me outside his workplace when I arrived on the first day. We chatted on the way home about his responsibilities at work and whatever he purchased at the store. He was able to cook his own lunch and was looking forward to eating whatever was on the menu that day. As the weeks went by, I discovered his sense of humour and he opened up about his issues with family members, clients and the neighbours. I enjoyed our chats. He was very intelligent and interesting.
I have met other parents since then and learned about the tremendous pressure of loving an adult child with Asperger Syndrome. One of my mother's colleagues has an adult son who lives with them. She is worried about the future. She and her husband are aging and they worry about who will take care of their son when they are no longer able to do it. They have another son but they don't want to burden him with the responsibility. There aren't as many options for AS than for individuals with other needs.
A friend of mine has a teenage son on the spectrum. His friends are all getting their driver's licence but he is not able to get his. There are little realizations along the way that are challenging for individuals with AS and their loved ones.
In theory, there seems to be housing options. The Asperger Autism Network website (www.aane.org), recommends factors to consider when choosing adequate housing for individuals with AS. "It's important to choose housing that will support their sensory, social and environmental needs". They must have a place where they can be alone, comfortable and quiet.
According to an article in www.autismdigest.com dated July/August 2012, "it is estimated that approximately 500,000 individuals with ASD will reach adulthood in the next 15 years". This website proposes the use of the Functional Skills Screening Inventory (FSSI) in order to "improve services through observable behaviour change and by focusing on the functional living skills needed to be an integral part of the community". Once you have assessed the individual's strengths and needs, you can examine the variety of housing options ranging from adult foster homes to supervised apartments.
As you read about independent living, supported living and group homes, it can seem that finding appropriate accommodations is simply a matter of choice. However, as I speak to parents of adults on the spectrum, the reality is that these options are not available in their community. Therefore, parents are left to care for their adult offspring on their own or, with some assistance from an agency, while their son or daughter lives with them.
I did some research and found an exciting program in Texas. You may wonder why I am bothering to report on it since it is so far away. I think it can serve as a starting point and role model to inspire discussion and innovation in our community.
Marbridge is a residential program for individuals with AS. It "fulfills all nine of the Autism Society's quality of life indicators". Young adults come to this program after high school and Marbridge provides an individualized program for them to meet their personal goals. The focus may have to do with personal skills like self-care, life skills like cooking or washing laundry or, if the individual wishes to find employment, job skills including writing a resume and preparing for interviews.
The program was founded in 1953 but it has been re-vamped in 2001 to integrate "education, socialization, recreation, independent living skills and employment instructions". Their website is www.marbridge.org. Their home page boasts a success story, detailing the many steps that were taken to get this young man to his current independent life. We need more programs like these to support the many families seeking adequate solutions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
The issue of caring for children even into adulthood never occurred to me until a woman asked for help with her son. He was employed a few hours a week and needed a ride home from work. The mother was able to drop him off on her way to work but she couldn't bring him back home after his shift just a few hours later. Her son had just graduated from high school and this was his first opportunity to work in the community. For young adults with Asperger Syndrome, transitioning from high school can be tricky. An opportunity to gain work skills can not be passed up. I was free at the time her son was done his shift so I offered to give him a ride home.
I wasn't sure what to expect. He was waiting for me outside his workplace when I arrived on the first day. We chatted on the way home about his responsibilities at work and whatever he purchased at the store. He was able to cook his own lunch and was looking forward to eating whatever was on the menu that day. As the weeks went by, I discovered his sense of humour and he opened up about his issues with family members, clients and the neighbours. I enjoyed our chats. He was very intelligent and interesting.
I have met other parents since then and learned about the tremendous pressure of loving an adult child with Asperger Syndrome. One of my mother's colleagues has an adult son who lives with them. She is worried about the future. She and her husband are aging and they worry about who will take care of their son when they are no longer able to do it. They have another son but they don't want to burden him with the responsibility. There aren't as many options for AS than for individuals with other needs.
A friend of mine has a teenage son on the spectrum. His friends are all getting their driver's licence but he is not able to get his. There are little realizations along the way that are challenging for individuals with AS and their loved ones.
In theory, there seems to be housing options. The Asperger Autism Network website (www.aane.org), recommends factors to consider when choosing adequate housing for individuals with AS. "It's important to choose housing that will support their sensory, social and environmental needs". They must have a place where they can be alone, comfortable and quiet.
According to an article in www.autismdigest.com dated July/August 2012, "it is estimated that approximately 500,000 individuals with ASD will reach adulthood in the next 15 years". This website proposes the use of the Functional Skills Screening Inventory (FSSI) in order to "improve services through observable behaviour change and by focusing on the functional living skills needed to be an integral part of the community". Once you have assessed the individual's strengths and needs, you can examine the variety of housing options ranging from adult foster homes to supervised apartments.
As you read about independent living, supported living and group homes, it can seem that finding appropriate accommodations is simply a matter of choice. However, as I speak to parents of adults on the spectrum, the reality is that these options are not available in their community. Therefore, parents are left to care for their adult offspring on their own or, with some assistance from an agency, while their son or daughter lives with them.
I did some research and found an exciting program in Texas. You may wonder why I am bothering to report on it since it is so far away. I think it can serve as a starting point and role model to inspire discussion and innovation in our community.
Marbridge is a residential program for individuals with AS. It "fulfills all nine of the Autism Society's quality of life indicators". Young adults come to this program after high school and Marbridge provides an individualized program for them to meet their personal goals. The focus may have to do with personal skills like self-care, life skills like cooking or washing laundry or, if the individual wishes to find employment, job skills including writing a resume and preparing for interviews.
The program was founded in 1953 but it has been re-vamped in 2001 to integrate "education, socialization, recreation, independent living skills and employment instructions". Their website is www.marbridge.org. Their home page boasts a success story, detailing the many steps that were taken to get this young man to his current independent life. We need more programs like these to support the many families seeking adequate solutions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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