December 15th, 2016
I was working as my husband's assistant yesterday. Once again, I enjoyed it. The day goes by so quickly, you meet interesting people, you hear about their stories and watch them get an impressive makeover. I think there should be a series about a hairstylist and his family featuring all the regular clients. There would be no end to the material this could cover.
I have been very frustrated lately by the lack of babysitters in our area. As a couple with young children, you need to get out and have an adult conversation on a regular basis. You also want to interact in a romantic way, dressing up, having some bubbly and flirting like you used to. Being a parent is rewarding but you need support and I do not feel that there are adequate supports out there. In some cultures, the mothers have large families and their sisters, mothers, aunts form a huge support system. When you only have one parent or no siblings and you don't live in a culture that promotes the support of parents, it's easy to forget that you exist outside of this role. It can be challenging to stay connected and sexually active with your spouse.
In the absence of support from a family system, modern couples are forced to depend on strangers to watch over their little ones while they get out for some adult time. We were so lucky to have the same babysitter for years. She lived up the road, we knew her mother and she was great with our children. Our daughters loved her and always looked forward to her visits. Her mother was an elementary school teacher. She would often send some craft materials for our children to explore with her daughter. In short, those years were blissful.
Then, she grew up, got a real job and we set off on our search for a new sitter. The girls were heartbroken but when they met a friend of their old babysitter, they were hooked. She was very outgoing and affectionate and the girls were so excited. However, she decided that she could only babysit once a month due to her other job and school and her tutor. We try to get out for supper every week. She recommended her friend. We met with her, the girls saw her long, beautiful hair and were hopeful. They love doing each other's hair and nails. She came over to babysit once or twice but she wasn't available on a few occasions and didn't let me know. She also cancelled at the last minute and asked me to drive her 30 minutes away to a party on another night. This all happened in a six week period. As much as the girls loved her, we needed someone more reliable.
I learned that there was a local network of babysitters on Facebook. I signed up and e-mailed a bunch of them. Some had moved away or were just available in the summer months, most were not willing to come on a weekly basis. Teens whose parents are divorced are often only available when they are with one of their parents, the one who lives in our neighbourhood. We seem to be stuck between two age groups. The older sitters have their own cars but they are busy with part-time jobs or social engagements therefore they are more interested in occasional sitting. The younger sitters will grow with our girls. They are more available but it takes forever to meet them because they have to figure out a time that one of their parents can come with them to check you out. If they don't live close by, you may have a 25 minute drive after each date night. We are waiting to meet with a 14 year old potential babysitter and her mother. Will she be the one? I hope so, we are exhausted and the poor girls have been disappointed over and over again.
As I looked at the Babysitter Facebook page, I noticed just how many families have requested help for one day a week or one segment of each weekday. I said to my husband, if I didn't have my own children, I would just create a calendar with the information from all these families and make a business of it. You could make a killing, there are so many families in need. We only need to go out for two-three hours every Saturday night and we pay well. It shouldn't be that difficult to find someone. We have two well-behaved, adorable girls who are so easy to watch. I can't imagine how hard it must be for parents with younger children or a child with special needs.
If you are a teenager or the parent of a teenager, there is a need for decent babysitters. Couples like us are looking for you, to be part of our village, to make us stronger as a couple and a family thanks to a more balanced life which includes down time and romance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label romance. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 December 2016
Friday, 16 September 2016
Online Dating
September 16th, 2016
In the last week, I heard about three couples who met online. One of those couples has decided to tie the knot over the weekend. I started thinking about this new trend, analyzing it, as one does, to figure out why this new approach to dating has gained such popularity.
I am very social but quite shy and sometimes awkward when I am around new people. It takes a while for me to feel comfortable. I was thinking that online dating would be great for someone like myself who prefers to get to know someone in writing first. That way, you already know that you have something in common and you feel comfortable with this potential mate prior to meeting him. I should mention here that I am married and therefore speculating. I met my husband, in person, 14 years ago.
The fear of rejection can be another factor leading to online dating. When you have a blind date with someone, in person, you are putting yourself out there, hoping that there will be a mutual attraction. It can be heartbreaking if you meet at the designated place and one of the two has a less than enthusiastic response. I have heard of people making up excuses and leaving early, having a friend come and interrupt the date or, even worse, walking right by the person if they don't know what you look like. The person who gets stood up sits there hoping you are late but you never show up. That is terrible. Online, you either communicate or you don't. They have already seen your photo so if they reach out to you, obviously, they are interested in you.
Picking Mr. Wrong. Do you always pick the worst person in the room? Some people have a knack for attracting jerks. When you fill out the form online, the profiles that come up have matching wishes and interests. This initial filter and selection process ensures you are more likely to meet someone compatible. You may know that you want a stable, permanent relationship yet you attract one night stands with married men. As you fill out questionnaires online, you will be selecting the type of man who also wants a permanent relationship.
When you meet someone you are attracted to, you may become physically involved with him too soon. You haven't really talked about what either of you is looking for and whether your intentions are compatible. You see, you try, you like. Once the relationship is sexually active, especially if the sex is really good, you may spend months exploring each other and talking very little. This can lead to disappointment down the line when you realize he's a gambler, he's married, he hates kids and you have three from a previous marriage etc. When you start out online, you have already filled out the questionnaires re: children, smoking, habits, intentions etc. This gives you an advantage. You can begin with a baseline of knowledge, ask questions about whatever is important to you and head into face to face encounters aware of what this person has to offer.
The online option also works well for busy professionals. You can connect with people quickly whenever you are available. Even if you are in different time zones, you can write to each other whenever it is convenient for you, knowing your potential partner will respond within their time frame. There is excitement as each person awaits a message from the other. You can get a feel for each other through Skype or Face Time, perhaps sharing a meal together over the internet. The person slowly becomes part of your routine and you get to maintain your privacy. The difficulty with dating someone who lives far away emerges when you become serious and one of you needs to move to another city or country. Another issue could be when you want to introduce the love of your life to your children. If you have been interacting mostly online with someone and have fallen in love, it may take some time for your loved ones to become familiar with this new person.
Obviously, you need to be vigilant anytime you do something online. They could look different from their photo or be lying in their profile (age, employment, marital status). You need to do your research but, for busy professionals who don't have the time to socialize a great deal or, for shy individuals who have a difficult time connecting with new people, this could be a great solution.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
In the last week, I heard about three couples who met online. One of those couples has decided to tie the knot over the weekend. I started thinking about this new trend, analyzing it, as one does, to figure out why this new approach to dating has gained such popularity.
I am very social but quite shy and sometimes awkward when I am around new people. It takes a while for me to feel comfortable. I was thinking that online dating would be great for someone like myself who prefers to get to know someone in writing first. That way, you already know that you have something in common and you feel comfortable with this potential mate prior to meeting him. I should mention here that I am married and therefore speculating. I met my husband, in person, 14 years ago.
The fear of rejection can be another factor leading to online dating. When you have a blind date with someone, in person, you are putting yourself out there, hoping that there will be a mutual attraction. It can be heartbreaking if you meet at the designated place and one of the two has a less than enthusiastic response. I have heard of people making up excuses and leaving early, having a friend come and interrupt the date or, even worse, walking right by the person if they don't know what you look like. The person who gets stood up sits there hoping you are late but you never show up. That is terrible. Online, you either communicate or you don't. They have already seen your photo so if they reach out to you, obviously, they are interested in you.
Picking Mr. Wrong. Do you always pick the worst person in the room? Some people have a knack for attracting jerks. When you fill out the form online, the profiles that come up have matching wishes and interests. This initial filter and selection process ensures you are more likely to meet someone compatible. You may know that you want a stable, permanent relationship yet you attract one night stands with married men. As you fill out questionnaires online, you will be selecting the type of man who also wants a permanent relationship.
When you meet someone you are attracted to, you may become physically involved with him too soon. You haven't really talked about what either of you is looking for and whether your intentions are compatible. You see, you try, you like. Once the relationship is sexually active, especially if the sex is really good, you may spend months exploring each other and talking very little. This can lead to disappointment down the line when you realize he's a gambler, he's married, he hates kids and you have three from a previous marriage etc. When you start out online, you have already filled out the questionnaires re: children, smoking, habits, intentions etc. This gives you an advantage. You can begin with a baseline of knowledge, ask questions about whatever is important to you and head into face to face encounters aware of what this person has to offer.
The online option also works well for busy professionals. You can connect with people quickly whenever you are available. Even if you are in different time zones, you can write to each other whenever it is convenient for you, knowing your potential partner will respond within their time frame. There is excitement as each person awaits a message from the other. You can get a feel for each other through Skype or Face Time, perhaps sharing a meal together over the internet. The person slowly becomes part of your routine and you get to maintain your privacy. The difficulty with dating someone who lives far away emerges when you become serious and one of you needs to move to another city or country. Another issue could be when you want to introduce the love of your life to your children. If you have been interacting mostly online with someone and have fallen in love, it may take some time for your loved ones to become familiar with this new person.
Obviously, you need to be vigilant anytime you do something online. They could look different from their photo or be lying in their profile (age, employment, marital status). You need to do your research but, for busy professionals who don't have the time to socialize a great deal or, for shy individuals who have a difficult time connecting with new people, this could be a great solution.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 26 February 2016
I Do
February 25th, 2016
Growing up, you read fairy tales about princesses who are beautiful-birds landing on their outstretched index finger and cute forest creatures gathering to hear them sing. The princess is in trouble, usually because of a step mother or evil witch who covets the princess's beauty. The princess nearly dies but her prince saves her. In the nick of time, he swoops in on his white horse and battles the dragon or kisses her lips and revives her. Then, of course, they live happily ever after. There is never a sequel. What does it mean to live happily ever after? What would that look like?
As a young girl, you idealize your dad. He is your prince. He is strong, he protects you and loves you. You draw him pictures and hug him tight, holding onto his neck. You feel safe. As a young woman, when you like a guy, you project your fantasies onto him. Is he THE ONE?
There are so many beginnings to a relationship: hot, blind and fiery, you just love exploring each other's bodies but you really know nothing about each other (less talking, more kissing), friends first, you develop feelings for a guy friend and have to get through the awkward stage of "Oh My God, this is my friend I'm kissing", love-at-first-sight, you meet a total stranger and feel like you've come home, everything feels familiar and right about this person or, hate-lust, couples who start out as archenemies until, one day, during one of their arguments, there is a kiss, followed by bliss. They fight and make-up over and over again and, they wouldn't have it any other way. There are plenty more ways to get started but, you get the point.
So, what happens next? Eventually, things get more serious, they stop seeing other people, they move in together and, eventually commit (maybe through marriage or just an agreement). Sometimes, immediately after the commitment, one of the partners panics and attempts to sabotage it (I'm trapped, can't breathe). There can be a long stretch of time where both parties feel safe, comfortable, proud and hopeful for the future.
If you have children, things get a little tricky. You have a fantasy in your mind of what that will be like, so does he. Do they match? Do you understand each other's expectations? You imagine yourself getting pregnant right away, calling everyone to share the great news, you look radiant, you and the baby are healthy, your partner is interested in going to every appointment and hearing all the details of your pregnancy, the baby comes on its due date, you squat and push that baby out in record time, you hold your baby in your arms and you are the picture of motherhood, your newborn latches on perfectly, sleeps through the night, a swarm of visitors come to see you and the baby, your husband exudes love and pride as he looks into your eyes, your life is exactly the same as before except you bring the baby along. Cue the sound of the needle scratching the record. If you have children, you recognize the sarcasm here. Things rarely happen perfectly. You may not conceive, throw up for the first semester, go through complications, experience a hellish childbirth, have trouble breastfeeding or end up with a colicky baby. This is real life.
This is where your relationship grows. You need each other. There are challenges and you must figure out how to get through them. Four months of sleepless nights were not part of the fairytale. I don't recall the stretch marks and mood swings being in there either. So there you are, two people who love each other but who are being tested. You may both be tired, worried and stressed. How will you handle this? Will you blame your partner, leave, have an affair, work late or communicate, come up with a plan and tackle this together? Maybe you'll try all of these until you find what works.
You may not have any children. You meet someone, become a couple, work, travel, entertain friends and enjoy leisure activities together. Life will still present a few hurdles to strengthen your relationship. You lose your job, his mother becomes ill, the in-laws are intrusive or you just get bored after a few years. Each of you wonders: "Is this it"? Once again, you have a choice. How will you face the challenge? Will you remember that you're on the same team? It's scary when times get rough. You think about the divorce statistics, you worry that you won't make it. Will things get better or is this the end?
My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary in August. We have two amazing daughters, ages 10 and 7. His business is thriving. I have changed jobs and now work from home. We are in such a good place right now. However, we have been through our share of issues and there were times I'm sure we both wanted to punch each other's brains out. We each had some baggage and every conflict caused us to unpack a bit at a time. We know our triggers and patterns. We have seen each other at our worst but also witnessed our strength, devotion and compassion. We have our date night every week and we spend time together when the girls are in school. We still make each other laugh, pushing the boundaries until one of us says: "OK that's enough, this has gone too far". I love him in a completely different way. I used to look at him, the way he dressed, the spikes in his hair, his goatee, his green eyes, I loved the way he held my hand or acted silly in public, I enjoyed working out together then eating delicious vietnamese food or watching him at work, so skilled and competent.
My favourite moments now are watching him show our youngest how to start a terrific fire in the fireplace or how to cook delicious soup. I love seeing our eldest cuddle up with him and tell him about her day. The girls love his silliness and the way he throws them into the pool in the summer. I love hearing them squeal with delight as they run down the hallway when he makes monster noises and chases them. It feels good to eat supper together, walk the dog as a family or go out for ice cream. I still enjoy watching him work, we hold hands every night as we relax in front of the tv before bed, we never run out of jokes and we eat vietnamese food weekly.
We need longer fairy tales to teach us what real relationships look like when two people agree to love one another, even when it's hard. To show young people what it feels like to get to the other side, stronger, humbler and, more compassionate.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Growing up, you read fairy tales about princesses who are beautiful-birds landing on their outstretched index finger and cute forest creatures gathering to hear them sing. The princess is in trouble, usually because of a step mother or evil witch who covets the princess's beauty. The princess nearly dies but her prince saves her. In the nick of time, he swoops in on his white horse and battles the dragon or kisses her lips and revives her. Then, of course, they live happily ever after. There is never a sequel. What does it mean to live happily ever after? What would that look like?
As a young girl, you idealize your dad. He is your prince. He is strong, he protects you and loves you. You draw him pictures and hug him tight, holding onto his neck. You feel safe. As a young woman, when you like a guy, you project your fantasies onto him. Is he THE ONE?
There are so many beginnings to a relationship: hot, blind and fiery, you just love exploring each other's bodies but you really know nothing about each other (less talking, more kissing), friends first, you develop feelings for a guy friend and have to get through the awkward stage of "Oh My God, this is my friend I'm kissing", love-at-first-sight, you meet a total stranger and feel like you've come home, everything feels familiar and right about this person or, hate-lust, couples who start out as archenemies until, one day, during one of their arguments, there is a kiss, followed by bliss. They fight and make-up over and over again and, they wouldn't have it any other way. There are plenty more ways to get started but, you get the point.
So, what happens next? Eventually, things get more serious, they stop seeing other people, they move in together and, eventually commit (maybe through marriage or just an agreement). Sometimes, immediately after the commitment, one of the partners panics and attempts to sabotage it (I'm trapped, can't breathe). There can be a long stretch of time where both parties feel safe, comfortable, proud and hopeful for the future.
If you have children, things get a little tricky. You have a fantasy in your mind of what that will be like, so does he. Do they match? Do you understand each other's expectations? You imagine yourself getting pregnant right away, calling everyone to share the great news, you look radiant, you and the baby are healthy, your partner is interested in going to every appointment and hearing all the details of your pregnancy, the baby comes on its due date, you squat and push that baby out in record time, you hold your baby in your arms and you are the picture of motherhood, your newborn latches on perfectly, sleeps through the night, a swarm of visitors come to see you and the baby, your husband exudes love and pride as he looks into your eyes, your life is exactly the same as before except you bring the baby along. Cue the sound of the needle scratching the record. If you have children, you recognize the sarcasm here. Things rarely happen perfectly. You may not conceive, throw up for the first semester, go through complications, experience a hellish childbirth, have trouble breastfeeding or end up with a colicky baby. This is real life.
This is where your relationship grows. You need each other. There are challenges and you must figure out how to get through them. Four months of sleepless nights were not part of the fairytale. I don't recall the stretch marks and mood swings being in there either. So there you are, two people who love each other but who are being tested. You may both be tired, worried and stressed. How will you handle this? Will you blame your partner, leave, have an affair, work late or communicate, come up with a plan and tackle this together? Maybe you'll try all of these until you find what works.
You may not have any children. You meet someone, become a couple, work, travel, entertain friends and enjoy leisure activities together. Life will still present a few hurdles to strengthen your relationship. You lose your job, his mother becomes ill, the in-laws are intrusive or you just get bored after a few years. Each of you wonders: "Is this it"? Once again, you have a choice. How will you face the challenge? Will you remember that you're on the same team? It's scary when times get rough. You think about the divorce statistics, you worry that you won't make it. Will things get better or is this the end?
My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary in August. We have two amazing daughters, ages 10 and 7. His business is thriving. I have changed jobs and now work from home. We are in such a good place right now. However, we have been through our share of issues and there were times I'm sure we both wanted to punch each other's brains out. We each had some baggage and every conflict caused us to unpack a bit at a time. We know our triggers and patterns. We have seen each other at our worst but also witnessed our strength, devotion and compassion. We have our date night every week and we spend time together when the girls are in school. We still make each other laugh, pushing the boundaries until one of us says: "OK that's enough, this has gone too far". I love him in a completely different way. I used to look at him, the way he dressed, the spikes in his hair, his goatee, his green eyes, I loved the way he held my hand or acted silly in public, I enjoyed working out together then eating delicious vietnamese food or watching him at work, so skilled and competent.
My favourite moments now are watching him show our youngest how to start a terrific fire in the fireplace or how to cook delicious soup. I love seeing our eldest cuddle up with him and tell him about her day. The girls love his silliness and the way he throws them into the pool in the summer. I love hearing them squeal with delight as they run down the hallway when he makes monster noises and chases them. It feels good to eat supper together, walk the dog as a family or go out for ice cream. I still enjoy watching him work, we hold hands every night as we relax in front of the tv before bed, we never run out of jokes and we eat vietnamese food weekly.
We need longer fairy tales to teach us what real relationships look like when two people agree to love one another, even when it's hard. To show young people what it feels like to get to the other side, stronger, humbler and, more compassionate.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 14 February 2016
Love in Long Term Care
February 14th, 2016
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
We associate Valentine's Day with romance, couples who are madly in love. We have all these ideas about what that love looks like: a romantic dinner, flowers, hot new lingerie and wild sex, holding hands, kissing, hugging, snuggling in front of a roaring fireplace, drinking champagne...roll the footage. I'd like to share some stories of real love I witnessed in long term care.
The nursing staff and personal support workers love their residents. They know them intimately and care for them every day. Despite a lot of media attention on staff who are abusive to residents, the majority of the staff I knew were caring individuals who went beyond the call of duty to ensure their residents were comfortable and happy. I have watched big, beefy men hold the hand of a frail elderly lady while feeding her at lunch time. She eats really slowly and has to stop often because she gets tired or chokes on her food. I see him rub her back, take his time and chat with her as he would with his own mom.
What about the nurse who is walking around the lounge of the locked unit? She is administering meds. Most of these residents are non-verbal. They look bored and withdrawn. She plays music and waltzes with the residents and she makes her way across the room. They are happy to see this nurse and their faces light up as she dances with them or teases them.
The maintenance worker who stops working and sits next to a lonely elderly man. He is anxious and rubs his hands together. He says he feels useless and has nothing to do. The maintenance worker says he needs company. The elderly man walks with him as he cleans, they talk about hockey, travelling, children, music. I hear them laughing down the hall. Once a week, this employee stays late to play cards in this resident's room.
The ladies at reception who take a moment to hear all about a resident's worries about her family. One resident needs new underwear but her son, who uses her money to support his drinking habit, won't pay for them. The ladies each pitch in and put money into her account so she can order new underwear from a catalogue.
The recreation staff who celebrate every birthday, help residents feel included and provide fun activities every day so residents have something to look forward to when they get out of bed every day. They bring a sweater so the resident won't be cold, they hold onto the walker as they stroll down the hall so the resident won't walk too fast and fall down, they involve family members so they visit more often and they organize activities that are meaningful to their residents.
I have watched elderly couples who have been through so much together. Theirs is a tender love: a peck on the cheek, holding hands, leaving their dessert for the partner who loves sweets, buttoning their partner's sweater because his arthritic fingers make it difficult, pushing the wheelchair to the dining room or to various activities. If the spouse doesn't live at the facility, seeing them come for a visit, bringing a treat, wearing their favorite sweater, helping them eat, taking them out for the day, all done with love and gentleness.
One year, I asked family members to share love stories about their loved ones. The response was immediate. I received stories expressing love for their parents who had loved and cared for them. Some stories were about how the parents met and fell in love. Other stories were about the daughter or sons deep love and respect for his/her parents. There were stories about a resident's love of art or nature, a passion for cooking, airplanes or fashion. The families really came through and each story was framed and hung next to the resident's room. It is beautiful to watch grown men and women be so loving and nurturing with their frail elderly parent. Whether they are feeding them, clothing them for an outing, pulling up a chair or helping them up, it is a beautiful sight.
There was a gentleman who was engaged to a beautiful young woman. She had a stroke and complications. She was admitted into long term care where she would live for the remainder of her life. She wasn't able to speak, she drooled and had to be fed. Her fiancé came to see her every day after work. He often brought her flowers or some kind of treat. They sat in the lounge together, holding hands.
People fear long term care facilities. They see them as cold institutional places but all of these stories happened there. It is where I witnessed love every day of the week.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
We associate Valentine's Day with romance, couples who are madly in love. We have all these ideas about what that love looks like: a romantic dinner, flowers, hot new lingerie and wild sex, holding hands, kissing, hugging, snuggling in front of a roaring fireplace, drinking champagne...roll the footage. I'd like to share some stories of real love I witnessed in long term care.
The nursing staff and personal support workers love their residents. They know them intimately and care for them every day. Despite a lot of media attention on staff who are abusive to residents, the majority of the staff I knew were caring individuals who went beyond the call of duty to ensure their residents were comfortable and happy. I have watched big, beefy men hold the hand of a frail elderly lady while feeding her at lunch time. She eats really slowly and has to stop often because she gets tired or chokes on her food. I see him rub her back, take his time and chat with her as he would with his own mom.
What about the nurse who is walking around the lounge of the locked unit? She is administering meds. Most of these residents are non-verbal. They look bored and withdrawn. She plays music and waltzes with the residents and she makes her way across the room. They are happy to see this nurse and their faces light up as she dances with them or teases them.
The maintenance worker who stops working and sits next to a lonely elderly man. He is anxious and rubs his hands together. He says he feels useless and has nothing to do. The maintenance worker says he needs company. The elderly man walks with him as he cleans, they talk about hockey, travelling, children, music. I hear them laughing down the hall. Once a week, this employee stays late to play cards in this resident's room.
The ladies at reception who take a moment to hear all about a resident's worries about her family. One resident needs new underwear but her son, who uses her money to support his drinking habit, won't pay for them. The ladies each pitch in and put money into her account so she can order new underwear from a catalogue.
The recreation staff who celebrate every birthday, help residents feel included and provide fun activities every day so residents have something to look forward to when they get out of bed every day. They bring a sweater so the resident won't be cold, they hold onto the walker as they stroll down the hall so the resident won't walk too fast and fall down, they involve family members so they visit more often and they organize activities that are meaningful to their residents.
I have watched elderly couples who have been through so much together. Theirs is a tender love: a peck on the cheek, holding hands, leaving their dessert for the partner who loves sweets, buttoning their partner's sweater because his arthritic fingers make it difficult, pushing the wheelchair to the dining room or to various activities. If the spouse doesn't live at the facility, seeing them come for a visit, bringing a treat, wearing their favorite sweater, helping them eat, taking them out for the day, all done with love and gentleness.
One year, I asked family members to share love stories about their loved ones. The response was immediate. I received stories expressing love for their parents who had loved and cared for them. Some stories were about how the parents met and fell in love. Other stories were about the daughter or sons deep love and respect for his/her parents. There were stories about a resident's love of art or nature, a passion for cooking, airplanes or fashion. The families really came through and each story was framed and hung next to the resident's room. It is beautiful to watch grown men and women be so loving and nurturing with their frail elderly parent. Whether they are feeding them, clothing them for an outing, pulling up a chair or helping them up, it is a beautiful sight.
There was a gentleman who was engaged to a beautiful young woman. She had a stroke and complications. She was admitted into long term care where she would live for the remainder of her life. She wasn't able to speak, she drooled and had to be fed. Her fiancé came to see her every day after work. He often brought her flowers or some kind of treat. They sat in the lounge together, holding hands.
People fear long term care facilities. They see them as cold institutional places but all of these stories happened there. It is where I witnessed love every day of the week.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Date Night
January 31st
Just over ten years ago, Vincent and I became parents. Our youngest daughter's Godparents, the Braidecs, were at my husband's shop. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I can't remember which anniversary it was but they have been together a long time, with two happy, successful, adult children. I asked them for the secret to a long marriage. I was expecting something like communication, compassion, humour etc, the usuals. They said they always made a point of having a date, once a week. This can be challenging when the children are young but it's important.
To this day, Vincent and I have our date night every week. I truly do believe it has helped us stay connected through the tough times. When you have children, you form a triangle and, although you can all interact as a family, the focus of both parents is usually directed to the child. When you try to communicate as a couple, within the home, you can be interrupted so many times you never finish any of the topics. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication and alienation.
Also, because it's easy to get sucked into a routine where each partner has a role, unless a couple gets out of the house without children on a regular basis, when they finally end up alone together, they may no longer know how to connect. They suddenly feel like strangers and have nothing to say. Our dates allowed us to stay romantic. I would dress up every week. The girls loved watching me get changed out of my "mommy" clothes. They always suggested which dress to wear. It shows them what it's like to care for someone and want special time with them. They saw us as a united couple who went out and had fun together.
During our date nights, we could have fun, laugh about whatever had happened during the week or just enjoy each other's company the way we did before we became parents. Sometimes, when we were stressed and overwhelmed by our responsibilities, we might take each other for granted and communicate in gruff ways throughout the week. It was nice to go out and realize we were ok. Taken away from the context of "duties", our pace would resume and we could see beyond the stress of the week.
On a few occasions, we vented our frustrations in the car on the way to the restaurant. We could get everything out without worrying that the children could hear. We might stay in the car longer than anticipated but, in the end, we had cleared the air and we were able to progress. Going out regularly means you don't forget what it's like to enjoy being your spouse's partner. We have had amazing conversations in the car and at the restaurant. We are able to talk about what is happening in our life, what we have learned, what our goals are for the future etc.
Even though there were weeks that the girls begged me to stay home with them when they were younger, they now look forward to our date night because they love their babysitter, Lauren. When they were very young, our date may be the only outing I got all week. It felt good to dress up and enjoy my supper while it was still warm, to feel like a woman. We became regulars in some restaurants and developed friendships with wait staff, managers and restaurant owners. It was fun to get out, socialize and have a good laugh.
Our sense of humour has always been a big part of our relationship. Spending time together, relaxing, eating good food, chatting, joking around, holding hands, even kissing on the way to the car, all of it has helped to keep our relationship fresh and fun.
If you have young children and you need to bring some joy back in your life, follow these steps:
1-Make date night a priority.
2-Find reliable, responsible people to babysit. If you have no money to pay for a sitter, see if a friend with children will trade with you so they can go out as well. You could also eat at home after you put the kids to bed so you can talk and have a date alone.
3-You don't need to go somewhere fancy. Tim Hortons and Subway can work just as well as a fancy restaurant. The point is to have time together.
4-Don't use this time to complain, go over the honey-do list or stress out about bills. All of this can be done during the drive there if you absolutely need to discuss it. Once you get to the restaurant, switch to date mode.
5-Dress up for your date so you can feel sexy. Don't forget to notice how good your partner looks.
6-Take the opportunity to hold hands, sit close together and cuddle.
7-Don't invite others to join you unless you have other opportunities to go out together alone.
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Just over ten years ago, Vincent and I became parents. Our youngest daughter's Godparents, the Braidecs, were at my husband's shop. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I can't remember which anniversary it was but they have been together a long time, with two happy, successful, adult children. I asked them for the secret to a long marriage. I was expecting something like communication, compassion, humour etc, the usuals. They said they always made a point of having a date, once a week. This can be challenging when the children are young but it's important.
To this day, Vincent and I have our date night every week. I truly do believe it has helped us stay connected through the tough times. When you have children, you form a triangle and, although you can all interact as a family, the focus of both parents is usually directed to the child. When you try to communicate as a couple, within the home, you can be interrupted so many times you never finish any of the topics. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication and alienation.
Also, because it's easy to get sucked into a routine where each partner has a role, unless a couple gets out of the house without children on a regular basis, when they finally end up alone together, they may no longer know how to connect. They suddenly feel like strangers and have nothing to say. Our dates allowed us to stay romantic. I would dress up every week. The girls loved watching me get changed out of my "mommy" clothes. They always suggested which dress to wear. It shows them what it's like to care for someone and want special time with them. They saw us as a united couple who went out and had fun together.
During our date nights, we could have fun, laugh about whatever had happened during the week or just enjoy each other's company the way we did before we became parents. Sometimes, when we were stressed and overwhelmed by our responsibilities, we might take each other for granted and communicate in gruff ways throughout the week. It was nice to go out and realize we were ok. Taken away from the context of "duties", our pace would resume and we could see beyond the stress of the week.
On a few occasions, we vented our frustrations in the car on the way to the restaurant. We could get everything out without worrying that the children could hear. We might stay in the car longer than anticipated but, in the end, we had cleared the air and we were able to progress. Going out regularly means you don't forget what it's like to enjoy being your spouse's partner. We have had amazing conversations in the car and at the restaurant. We are able to talk about what is happening in our life, what we have learned, what our goals are for the future etc.
Even though there were weeks that the girls begged me to stay home with them when they were younger, they now look forward to our date night because they love their babysitter, Lauren. When they were very young, our date may be the only outing I got all week. It felt good to dress up and enjoy my supper while it was still warm, to feel like a woman. We became regulars in some restaurants and developed friendships with wait staff, managers and restaurant owners. It was fun to get out, socialize and have a good laugh.
Our sense of humour has always been a big part of our relationship. Spending time together, relaxing, eating good food, chatting, joking around, holding hands, even kissing on the way to the car, all of it has helped to keep our relationship fresh and fun.
If you have young children and you need to bring some joy back in your life, follow these steps:
1-Make date night a priority.
2-Find reliable, responsible people to babysit. If you have no money to pay for a sitter, see if a friend with children will trade with you so they can go out as well. You could also eat at home after you put the kids to bed so you can talk and have a date alone.
3-You don't need to go somewhere fancy. Tim Hortons and Subway can work just as well as a fancy restaurant. The point is to have time together.
4-Don't use this time to complain, go over the honey-do list or stress out about bills. All of this can be done during the drive there if you absolutely need to discuss it. Once you get to the restaurant, switch to date mode.
5-Dress up for your date so you can feel sexy. Don't forget to notice how good your partner looks.
6-Take the opportunity to hold hands, sit close together and cuddle.
7-Don't invite others to join you unless you have other opportunities to go out together alone.
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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