November 29th, 2016
I can not believe how long it has been since I last posted on this blog. The past week has flown by with a combination of snow days, PD days and sick days. Today is the second snow day of the season but my children are happily playing upstairs. So, I am frantically attempting to write something before they realize I am being productive.
Last month, I read an article in Chatelaine about a woman who was describing how awesome her life was post-divorce. We get free copies of Chatelaine for some reason and I was thumbing through it at breakfast. I was shocked by the article. I know there are many relationships where the people are far better off when it's all over. However, I was struck by the tone of the article. It sounded like divorce was trendy, a lifestyle choice. The author boasted about sleeping in on weekends when the children were at their dad's house. She explained how great it was to have time for herself to take a bath and fold laundry at her own pace. She described how the children benefitted from each parent exposing them to different activities and interests. It sounded like a new ideal, the utopia of divorced couples.
My husband is a hairstylist. He hears about approximately two divorces per week. This is an alarming rate. He comes home after hearing the horror stories of court cases, money battles, children stuck in the middle and it really bothers him that these people are suffering. I hear from women in my work as a therapist. There is no party, only grief and disillusionment. Divorce is not the easy way out. It's not clean cut, straightforward or festive.
Just over a week after reading the article, I saw the movie, Bad Moms. I was really looking forward to it. I saw the trailer and laughed out loud. When we watched the entire movie however, I was surprised to encounter the same message as the article. The main character has a dead beat husband who cheats on her. She decides to kick him out. She spends her days partying with some new friends and driving her ex-husband's sports car. She also meets Mr Right immediately and had sex with him the day before she goes to marriage counselling with her husband. By the end of the movie, her ex and her are friendly, her kids are doing great, she is with the new hottie and has new friends. She has quit her job but it's ok because she's been promoted to a better job.
I want to be clear here that I am not anti-divorce. I know women struggle with the decision for years and often stay longer than they should to protect the children. I get that there are some relationships that have been so damaged by betrayal or abuse that they can never be fixed. What I object to is the glamorization of divorce. The concept that if your life or relationship sucks, you can just dump your husband and everything will fall into place. You will feel awesome and attract a new guy and live happily ever after.
The reality is that your life will be stressful, emotional and chaotic until you are done with the legal, financial aspect of your divorce. You will not feel like jumping into a new relationship. Your children will take their anger out on you even if they can clearly see that leaving your spouse was for the best. You will have to deal with all the issues that came up in your marriage, your fear of abandonment, your inability to trust, your need to control, whatever it is for you. If you jump into another relationship right away, you will only repeat the same painful patterns. Divorce, even when it's the right decision, is a painful transition and it takes time. Any article or movie that teaches you otherwise is misleading.
If you are thinking about leaving your spouse, ask yourself these questions:
1) If I was divorced, how would my life be different? What would I do that is different from my current life? Often, we imagine ourselves leading this exciting life as if our husbands were the only thing standing in our way. Can you implement any of these activities or behaviours in your life right now? You may be surprised by the impact this has on your relationship and your personal happiness.
2) What new behaviours or patterns would you initiate in your next relationship? Can you practice these new patterns in your current relationship? If you imagine yourself being sexually active in your next relationship but you are timid and reserved in this one, try experimenting with your current partner. Can you re-ignite your passion? Try role-playing.
3) Can you see any similarity between your parents' relationship and your own or, between your relationship with one of your parents and your current relationship with your spouse? If daddy always let you down, you may have learned to be self-sufficient. This could lead to shutting your spouse out of your life. Is there room for him? What would happen if you let him and asked him for help, support or affection? Are you willing to be vulnerable?
4) When was the last time you felt connected to your partner? Can you recall what attracted you to him? When did these feelings stop? Are they still there, somewhere? You may want to participate in activities you used to enjoy as a couple in those early days. How about a road trip without the kids? My husband and I love going to Montreal for an overnight.
5) Have you communicated with your husband? Many times, the truth comes out during the divorce process. None of the frustrations or complaints were addressed during the relationship. Then, the husband hears the truth from others or reads it on a court document. It may feel risky to open up a can of worms but it could help and is way less painful than getting divorced.
If you are getting divorced, here are some tips from my clients:
1) Don't make any huge plans or drastic changes right after the separation
2) Give yourself time to grieve
3) Your children are angry and they will act out but, over time, things will calm down, don't take their words personally, they will be loving again
4) Don't talk negatively to your children about their dad. This puts them in the middle and creates tension in them as they feel forced to choose between their parents (and lie to protect their feelings)
5) Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
6) Make self-care a priority
7) Keep your children's best interest at the centre of your interactions with your ex
8) Don't jump into a new relationship to avoid the pain
9) The pain and intensity of this experience will fade over time, it is temporary
10) Focus on moving on with your life and creating something positive rather than holding on to your feelings about your ex and punishing him (draining)
I hope this post has been useful.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Friday, 28 October 2016
The Brain's Way of Healing
October 28th, 2016
Yesterday was a low point for me, dealing with the pain in my brain despite receiving a healing treatment less than two weeks prior. This morning, I received a gift. I saw a post on Facebook about the author of two books on brain health, The Brain that Changes Itself and The Brain's Way of Healing, Norman Doidge. Dr. Doidge and his revolutionary discoveries were the focus of this week's episode of The Nature of Things with David Suzuki.
I was able to watch the episode online and I am still floored by what I have witnessed. The basic message is that our brains are not fixed and permanent the way we've been told. People are diagnosed with illnesses like Parkinson and Autism or they acquire a Traumatic Brain Injury and they spend the rest of their lives a compilation of symptoms. Dr Doidge shows us a different perspective.
Our brains are sophisticated and they respond to stimulation. Neuroplasticity is the concept that our brains change throughout our life and that we can alter our brains via stimulation. In this episode, we explore techniques that are used to help heal the brains of people who thought there was no hope for them.
We meet a gentleman going out for a walk and learn that he has been diagnosed with Parkinson yet his movements seem fluid. He is practising Conscious Walking. His Basal Ganglia are no longer automatically making his movements flow so he has to focus on what he is doing and use his prefrontal cortex to direct every minute aspect of his movement (micro-movements). He walks for 75 minutes every other day. He also is conscious of blinking his eyes and swallowing. The exercise gives him energy and, reduces his symptoms.
Next up are two women who experienced a traumatic brain injury. They decided to explore pottery as a therapeutic activity and called themselves the "Cracked Potters". Each of them survived their accident but were living with many symptoms which greatly reduced their quality of life. We are told that following a brain trauma, some neutrons die and others provide noisy signals therefore the brain is not working properly. A clinic has individuals exercising while they hold a PONS in their mouth. The PONS speaks to the brain through electrical stimulation. The tongue is situated directly in front of the brainstem and is covered with receptors. By stimulating the tongue with the PONS during exercise, the body is able to speak to the brain through our senses. This helps re-synch the brain, awaken dormant circuits and allow the brainstem to communicate normally with the rest of the body. They call this neuro-modulating the noisy brain.
We then get to witness the transformation of children on the Autism Spectrum through sound. We have this ability called the auditory zoom. It helps us cancel out noises and focusing on what we want to hear. When this is impaired, we go into emergency mode and shut down social contact. By introducing sound through the mother's voice, then with Mozart, the children or teenagers are able to learn to focus on sounds which are a precursor to speech. They change the rhythm, frequency and which ear is receiving stimulation. What we see is a boy progressing from tantrums and sensitivity to sound to a regular boy who is socializing. One of the older boys has developed social skills and thought his speech is stunted, he can speak flawlessly when he is imitating someone else. Blew me away!!!
A lady recovering from a brain tumour underwent surgery which saved her life but damaged her brain. She was exposed to light therapy through a low intensity laser. The photons go into the brain and into the body, powering up mitochondria, unblocking inflammation. There was an indication that this might work for people with PTSD as well.
Lastly, a young girl was born with an intellectual deficiency. Using the Feldenkrais Method, she learned to differentiate between movements. She went from having no movement to crawling, walking and ultimately dancing on her wedding day. This technique develops mental awareness of movement and uses touch as well to stimulate the brain.
If this sounds awesome but you think you'll have to move to California, I have good news, many of the cases in this episode were based out of Toronto. I am going to be looking into this. I urge you to do the same.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Yesterday was a low point for me, dealing with the pain in my brain despite receiving a healing treatment less than two weeks prior. This morning, I received a gift. I saw a post on Facebook about the author of two books on brain health, The Brain that Changes Itself and The Brain's Way of Healing, Norman Doidge. Dr. Doidge and his revolutionary discoveries were the focus of this week's episode of The Nature of Things with David Suzuki.
I was able to watch the episode online and I am still floored by what I have witnessed. The basic message is that our brains are not fixed and permanent the way we've been told. People are diagnosed with illnesses like Parkinson and Autism or they acquire a Traumatic Brain Injury and they spend the rest of their lives a compilation of symptoms. Dr Doidge shows us a different perspective.
Our brains are sophisticated and they respond to stimulation. Neuroplasticity is the concept that our brains change throughout our life and that we can alter our brains via stimulation. In this episode, we explore techniques that are used to help heal the brains of people who thought there was no hope for them.
We meet a gentleman going out for a walk and learn that he has been diagnosed with Parkinson yet his movements seem fluid. He is practising Conscious Walking. His Basal Ganglia are no longer automatically making his movements flow so he has to focus on what he is doing and use his prefrontal cortex to direct every minute aspect of his movement (micro-movements). He walks for 75 minutes every other day. He also is conscious of blinking his eyes and swallowing. The exercise gives him energy and, reduces his symptoms.
Next up are two women who experienced a traumatic brain injury. They decided to explore pottery as a therapeutic activity and called themselves the "Cracked Potters". Each of them survived their accident but were living with many symptoms which greatly reduced their quality of life. We are told that following a brain trauma, some neutrons die and others provide noisy signals therefore the brain is not working properly. A clinic has individuals exercising while they hold a PONS in their mouth. The PONS speaks to the brain through electrical stimulation. The tongue is situated directly in front of the brainstem and is covered with receptors. By stimulating the tongue with the PONS during exercise, the body is able to speak to the brain through our senses. This helps re-synch the brain, awaken dormant circuits and allow the brainstem to communicate normally with the rest of the body. They call this neuro-modulating the noisy brain.
We then get to witness the transformation of children on the Autism Spectrum through sound. We have this ability called the auditory zoom. It helps us cancel out noises and focusing on what we want to hear. When this is impaired, we go into emergency mode and shut down social contact. By introducing sound through the mother's voice, then with Mozart, the children or teenagers are able to learn to focus on sounds which are a precursor to speech. They change the rhythm, frequency and which ear is receiving stimulation. What we see is a boy progressing from tantrums and sensitivity to sound to a regular boy who is socializing. One of the older boys has developed social skills and thought his speech is stunted, he can speak flawlessly when he is imitating someone else. Blew me away!!!
A lady recovering from a brain tumour underwent surgery which saved her life but damaged her brain. She was exposed to light therapy through a low intensity laser. The photons go into the brain and into the body, powering up mitochondria, unblocking inflammation. There was an indication that this might work for people with PTSD as well.
Lastly, a young girl was born with an intellectual deficiency. Using the Feldenkrais Method, she learned to differentiate between movements. She went from having no movement to crawling, walking and ultimately dancing on her wedding day. This technique develops mental awareness of movement and uses touch as well to stimulate the brain.
If this sounds awesome but you think you'll have to move to California, I have good news, many of the cases in this episode were based out of Toronto. I am going to be looking into this. I urge you to do the same.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
Thai Massage
October 18th, 2016
Have you ever been for a massage? I am a very affectionate person but I don't really like strangers touching my body. I think it was ok prior to having children but, somehow, after having my daughters, I no longer wanted to go out for a massage. It wasn't a treat. I preferred time to myself, to think, to write, to walk around. I craved personal space I guess.
After my first daughter was born, I went to a spa in Stittsville, a gift from my hubby, and a young lady massaged me. I didn't feel a connection to her. It felt awkward like she didn't want to do the work and I couldn't wait for it to be over.
On another occasion, this time after the birth of my second daughter, my husband surprised me with a massage during the girls' nap time. I had my period and I told my husband that I was bleeding profusely and would need to postpone. He had already paid and they were waiting for me. Two women stood over me, one of them massaging me, in a communal, open air room. She was good, some of it was relaxing but every time she lifted and pulled a leg, I could feel the blood oozing, dripping and I worried about what kind of mess awaited me when she was done.
For Father's Day, I booked a Thai Massage for my husband. He has travelled through Thailand and told me about the rigorous massages he received during that trip. One day, we watched Anthony Bourdain, the celebrity chef, receiving a Thai Massage during his travels. It looked like torture to me but my husband was looking on, longingly. I found the best masseuse I could find. He came home with a blissful look on his face. He told me he had booked a home massage for both of us.
I was worried. I don't like pain. I don't want to be twisted and have my limbs bent in unnatural directions. My husband had his 90 minute session first. Then, it was my turn. I must add here that, following our car accident in 2012, I went to visit a massage therapist and she worked me hard. I ended up with a massive headache for two weeks. This experience did nothing to restore my confidence in these health professionals.
She had set up some mats on the floor. I explained that I didn't want a headache and pointed out my vulnerable areas (neck, lower back, right ovary and base of skull). I informed her that, unlike my husband, I didn't like it rough. I actually prefer more of a gentle, soothing approach. She listened to my spiel and assured me that she would start slow and build a sense of safety for me.
She started holding my feet and rocking. She stayed at my feet for a while, working on each foot individually then moving my feet together. She moved up my legs, explaining what she was doing along the way. She used her body with mine to compress and stretch the various parts of my body. Everything was done in a gentle, nurturing way. We communicated throughout. She checked with me to ensure I was not in any pain. Having my body pulled and rocked was very soothing. My favourite parts were when she was supporting areas that are normally quite tense like my lower back and the base of my skull. When she removed the tension from my body, I was able to breathe and just enjoy.
Breathing was an instrumental part of this process. She would ask me to inhale before she compressed my body then exhale as she released it. Being on the floor together means we work as a team. She used her body to help support mine. I thoroughly enjoyed this process. There was no pain and I didn't get a headache. As a matter of fact, she ended with my head, relieving stress, relaxing muscles, supporting its weight.
If you are feeling frail, wanting some TLC and looking for a professional who will tailor her approach to your needs, I would strongly recommend a 90 minute massage with Sarah at Bliss Yoga, http://blissyogaottawa.com. You will feel nurtured and healed.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Have you ever been for a massage? I am a very affectionate person but I don't really like strangers touching my body. I think it was ok prior to having children but, somehow, after having my daughters, I no longer wanted to go out for a massage. It wasn't a treat. I preferred time to myself, to think, to write, to walk around. I craved personal space I guess.
After my first daughter was born, I went to a spa in Stittsville, a gift from my hubby, and a young lady massaged me. I didn't feel a connection to her. It felt awkward like she didn't want to do the work and I couldn't wait for it to be over.
On another occasion, this time after the birth of my second daughter, my husband surprised me with a massage during the girls' nap time. I had my period and I told my husband that I was bleeding profusely and would need to postpone. He had already paid and they were waiting for me. Two women stood over me, one of them massaging me, in a communal, open air room. She was good, some of it was relaxing but every time she lifted and pulled a leg, I could feel the blood oozing, dripping and I worried about what kind of mess awaited me when she was done.
For Father's Day, I booked a Thai Massage for my husband. He has travelled through Thailand and told me about the rigorous massages he received during that trip. One day, we watched Anthony Bourdain, the celebrity chef, receiving a Thai Massage during his travels. It looked like torture to me but my husband was looking on, longingly. I found the best masseuse I could find. He came home with a blissful look on his face. He told me he had booked a home massage for both of us.
I was worried. I don't like pain. I don't want to be twisted and have my limbs bent in unnatural directions. My husband had his 90 minute session first. Then, it was my turn. I must add here that, following our car accident in 2012, I went to visit a massage therapist and she worked me hard. I ended up with a massive headache for two weeks. This experience did nothing to restore my confidence in these health professionals.
She had set up some mats on the floor. I explained that I didn't want a headache and pointed out my vulnerable areas (neck, lower back, right ovary and base of skull). I informed her that, unlike my husband, I didn't like it rough. I actually prefer more of a gentle, soothing approach. She listened to my spiel and assured me that she would start slow and build a sense of safety for me.
She started holding my feet and rocking. She stayed at my feet for a while, working on each foot individually then moving my feet together. She moved up my legs, explaining what she was doing along the way. She used her body with mine to compress and stretch the various parts of my body. Everything was done in a gentle, nurturing way. We communicated throughout. She checked with me to ensure I was not in any pain. Having my body pulled and rocked was very soothing. My favourite parts were when she was supporting areas that are normally quite tense like my lower back and the base of my skull. When she removed the tension from my body, I was able to breathe and just enjoy.
Breathing was an instrumental part of this process. She would ask me to inhale before she compressed my body then exhale as she released it. Being on the floor together means we work as a team. She used her body to help support mine. I thoroughly enjoyed this process. There was no pain and I didn't get a headache. As a matter of fact, she ended with my head, relieving stress, relaxing muscles, supporting its weight.
If you are feeling frail, wanting some TLC and looking for a professional who will tailor her approach to your needs, I would strongly recommend a 90 minute massage with Sarah at Bliss Yoga, http://blissyogaottawa.com. You will feel nurtured and healed.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
Only Her Hairdresser Knows
June 22nd, 2016
I am not a girly girl. It was a fluke that I ended up in a posh hair salon back in 2002 where I met my husband. I rarely get my hair cut, I didn't have a preferred hairstylist and I used to just get fed up and go to a cheap walk-in place to get my hair trimmed.
When I started dating my husband who is a Vidal Sassoon trained hairstylist, I had no clue just how invested some women get with their stylist. I had no clue how important hair was to these clients. To me, hair is hair, no big deal but to many women, their hair is very serious business. We met clients all the time when we were dating. These women would give me a once over and I knew they were deciding whether or not I deserved to be with Vincent. It felt like having hundreds of mother-in-laws. When I was pregnant with our first daughter, I went into labour on a Saturday (bad day when your husband is a stylist). Four of the eight women who were booked on that Saturday never returned to get their hair done after my husband cancelled their appointment on that Saturday.
Hair salons are notorious for gossip. Clients dish it out in the styling chair. My husband knows who is cheating, bankrupt, alcoholic, abusive and newly unemployed. He hears about women's frustrations with their husbands and applies this knowledge to our relationship (thank you clients!). When we are struggling with one of our daughters, he generally has at least one client who has been through it or works in an office where they deal with this and we get free advice all the time. This has come in handy.
His clients are on a six week rotation and changing these appointments is punishable by death (almost). So, when we go away for ten days every year in March, my husband returns to a packed house, trying to juggle people who are on their schedule while fitting in the clients he missed while we were away.
There is something about the fact that clients are not looking directly at my husband while they talk that leads to deep, revealing discussions. I have often wondered if it is the impact of speaking their truth while facing themselves in the mirror that lends itself to this intensity. Vincent has had women crying about childhood traumas, revealing deep, dark family secrets and admitting to feeling lost and off track in their lives-all in the stylist chair. I often joke that he is more of a therapist than a stylist because he deals with some pretty heavy-duty issues.
When we first met I thought of hair salons as a place of gossip and where women spent money on their looks. It all seemed shallow to me. However, through my husband and his clients, I have learned to see his work differently. The same women come to him every six weeks. Some of them came to see him as children and now they have their own. They connect with other clients, with Vincent and his assistant. They exchange contacts and advice. It is a safe, familiar place where people care about what is happening in your life.
On a deeper note, I have watched women go into his shop hunched and come out tall and proud. When he first takes on a client whose hair has been neglected or misunderstood, he cuts and colours it to complement the woman's skin tone and features. The result is that the client looks younger and sexy. The client stares at herself in the mirror in disbelief. Is this really me? There have been quite a few tears shed after such transformations and several babies conceived.
I am proud of my husband's work. He is competent and compassionate and he has taught me that hairstylists care about their clients, that they make a difference in their lives and that their services can be therapeutic as well as aesthetic. Long live the hairstylist!!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I am not a girly girl. It was a fluke that I ended up in a posh hair salon back in 2002 where I met my husband. I rarely get my hair cut, I didn't have a preferred hairstylist and I used to just get fed up and go to a cheap walk-in place to get my hair trimmed.
When I started dating my husband who is a Vidal Sassoon trained hairstylist, I had no clue just how invested some women get with their stylist. I had no clue how important hair was to these clients. To me, hair is hair, no big deal but to many women, their hair is very serious business. We met clients all the time when we were dating. These women would give me a once over and I knew they were deciding whether or not I deserved to be with Vincent. It felt like having hundreds of mother-in-laws. When I was pregnant with our first daughter, I went into labour on a Saturday (bad day when your husband is a stylist). Four of the eight women who were booked on that Saturday never returned to get their hair done after my husband cancelled their appointment on that Saturday.
Hair salons are notorious for gossip. Clients dish it out in the styling chair. My husband knows who is cheating, bankrupt, alcoholic, abusive and newly unemployed. He hears about women's frustrations with their husbands and applies this knowledge to our relationship (thank you clients!). When we are struggling with one of our daughters, he generally has at least one client who has been through it or works in an office where they deal with this and we get free advice all the time. This has come in handy.
His clients are on a six week rotation and changing these appointments is punishable by death (almost). So, when we go away for ten days every year in March, my husband returns to a packed house, trying to juggle people who are on their schedule while fitting in the clients he missed while we were away.
There is something about the fact that clients are not looking directly at my husband while they talk that leads to deep, revealing discussions. I have often wondered if it is the impact of speaking their truth while facing themselves in the mirror that lends itself to this intensity. Vincent has had women crying about childhood traumas, revealing deep, dark family secrets and admitting to feeling lost and off track in their lives-all in the stylist chair. I often joke that he is more of a therapist than a stylist because he deals with some pretty heavy-duty issues.
When we first met I thought of hair salons as a place of gossip and where women spent money on their looks. It all seemed shallow to me. However, through my husband and his clients, I have learned to see his work differently. The same women come to him every six weeks. Some of them came to see him as children and now they have their own. They connect with other clients, with Vincent and his assistant. They exchange contacts and advice. It is a safe, familiar place where people care about what is happening in your life.
On a deeper note, I have watched women go into his shop hunched and come out tall and proud. When he first takes on a client whose hair has been neglected or misunderstood, he cuts and colours it to complement the woman's skin tone and features. The result is that the client looks younger and sexy. The client stares at herself in the mirror in disbelief. Is this really me? There have been quite a few tears shed after such transformations and several babies conceived.
I am proud of my husband's work. He is competent and compassionate and he has taught me that hairstylists care about their clients, that they make a difference in their lives and that their services can be therapeutic as well as aesthetic. Long live the hairstylist!!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 14 June 2016
Stories We Tell
June 14th, 2016
Last night, I rented out a movie from the North Grenville Library. My friend Chris recommended it. The girls were at gymnastics with my husband so I had the whole house to myself. I prepared a lovely bath and settled in to watch this documentary.
Sarah Polley, the film director, interviews her family members. They are all reminiscing about Sarah's mother. The two older sons, from her mother's first marriage, give her a less-than-flattering review about their mother. Later, we witness the pain behind the anger of each son. They were raised by their father when their mother left them to pursue a love life with another man. There is a hint that their father was not a safe person when one of the boys states: "Surely she must have realized that leaving us meant she could no longer protect us".
Sarah's sisters came from the mother's union with her second husband. He was an actor. She fell in love with the character he was playing and, therefore, was disappointed when he turned out to be less exciting than she had imagined. They married and had children together but she was thirsty for life and exhausted this man who preferred to be left alone. He did not provide the attention and romance she so longed for. When an opportunity came up to go to Montreal to be in a play, she jumped at the chance. Her husband encouraged her to go to Montreal, desperate for some respite.
Sarah's mom met her father while acting in Montreal. They had a passionate affair and Sarah was conceived. When Sarah's mother passed away, it was her father who raised her. They were alone in the house and became very close. There were rumours that Sarah's father was not the man she loved but another man who lived in Montreal. She went about finding out who he was. When she did find her biological father, he told her about his affair with her mother. They developed their relationship and Sarah told the family about him but she did not tell her father. She feared that it would break his heart.
When a reporter discovered that Sarah's father was not her biological father, he decided to write about it and this forced Sarah to tell her father the secret about his paternity. This revelation brought them even closer. This is such an interesting documentary because it is really the story of one woman, Sarah's mother as told by different individuals who each loved her in their own way.
Each family has a story that they agree on, they fan the flames of this story because it binds them together. In private, in their own families, with their partners and children, they elaborate on this story, focusing on the elements that portray them in a certain way. They may see themselves as the peacemaker, the black sheep, the voice of truth, the one who broke the cycle, the caregiver etc.
If you could be a fly on the wall in the home of each family member, you could hear each interpretation of their family of origin. There would be a variety of alliances among family members who share common recollections. In families with multiple siblings, there is usually one person who sees one or both parents differently. This can cause conflicts and alienation within the family. All of this is heightened when a loved one dies.
In order to explore how this plays out in your own family, start by listing the names of family members in a circle from eldest to youngest (including parents), in a clockwise direction. Under each family name, write one sentence that would sum up their view of the family. If you're not sure, ask them to sum it up for you using five words or less. Then create lines between family members who have a strong alliance. One family member might have multiple alliances. Then draw jagged or pointy lines between family members who do not speak to each other, fight a lot or generally don't get along. Use a triangle to show triangulations among family members (when family members join forces against another family member).
Where are you in this system? How did your alliances and coalitions take place? What is the source of your conflict with other family members? How are these dynamics played out in other areas of your life? What is the story you tell yourself in order to make sense of it all and preserve your sense of self? This is a fascinating exercise and it forces you to accept, if only for a moment, that there may be more to other family members than what you see and, that your story is not the only one-the right one. There are many interpretations, each with a grain of truth. Happy digging!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Last night, I rented out a movie from the North Grenville Library. My friend Chris recommended it. The girls were at gymnastics with my husband so I had the whole house to myself. I prepared a lovely bath and settled in to watch this documentary.
Sarah Polley, the film director, interviews her family members. They are all reminiscing about Sarah's mother. The two older sons, from her mother's first marriage, give her a less-than-flattering review about their mother. Later, we witness the pain behind the anger of each son. They were raised by their father when their mother left them to pursue a love life with another man. There is a hint that their father was not a safe person when one of the boys states: "Surely she must have realized that leaving us meant she could no longer protect us".
Sarah's sisters came from the mother's union with her second husband. He was an actor. She fell in love with the character he was playing and, therefore, was disappointed when he turned out to be less exciting than she had imagined. They married and had children together but she was thirsty for life and exhausted this man who preferred to be left alone. He did not provide the attention and romance she so longed for. When an opportunity came up to go to Montreal to be in a play, she jumped at the chance. Her husband encouraged her to go to Montreal, desperate for some respite.
Sarah's mom met her father while acting in Montreal. They had a passionate affair and Sarah was conceived. When Sarah's mother passed away, it was her father who raised her. They were alone in the house and became very close. There were rumours that Sarah's father was not the man she loved but another man who lived in Montreal. She went about finding out who he was. When she did find her biological father, he told her about his affair with her mother. They developed their relationship and Sarah told the family about him but she did not tell her father. She feared that it would break his heart.
When a reporter discovered that Sarah's father was not her biological father, he decided to write about it and this forced Sarah to tell her father the secret about his paternity. This revelation brought them even closer. This is such an interesting documentary because it is really the story of one woman, Sarah's mother as told by different individuals who each loved her in their own way.
Each family has a story that they agree on, they fan the flames of this story because it binds them together. In private, in their own families, with their partners and children, they elaborate on this story, focusing on the elements that portray them in a certain way. They may see themselves as the peacemaker, the black sheep, the voice of truth, the one who broke the cycle, the caregiver etc.
If you could be a fly on the wall in the home of each family member, you could hear each interpretation of their family of origin. There would be a variety of alliances among family members who share common recollections. In families with multiple siblings, there is usually one person who sees one or both parents differently. This can cause conflicts and alienation within the family. All of this is heightened when a loved one dies.
In order to explore how this plays out in your own family, start by listing the names of family members in a circle from eldest to youngest (including parents), in a clockwise direction. Under each family name, write one sentence that would sum up their view of the family. If you're not sure, ask them to sum it up for you using five words or less. Then create lines between family members who have a strong alliance. One family member might have multiple alliances. Then draw jagged or pointy lines between family members who do not speak to each other, fight a lot or generally don't get along. Use a triangle to show triangulations among family members (when family members join forces against another family member).
Where are you in this system? How did your alliances and coalitions take place? What is the source of your conflict with other family members? How are these dynamics played out in other areas of your life? What is the story you tell yourself in order to make sense of it all and preserve your sense of self? This is a fascinating exercise and it forces you to accept, if only for a moment, that there may be more to other family members than what you see and, that your story is not the only one-the right one. There are many interpretations, each with a grain of truth. Happy digging!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 10 May 2016
Back to Reality and Business is Booming!
May 10th, 2016
I'm back! I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. My intention was to resume my writing yesterday, a Monday. My husband offered to take our daughters to gymnastics and I felt it was the best opportunity to sit and write. Then, one hour later, he and the girls were on their way home. Our eldest was throwing up. There would be no gymnastics and, no writing.
I took a break from writing when I left for a two week trip with my family to Florida. We always book a home through Vacation Rentals By Owners (VRBO). We had a great time together. For my husband, the best thing is grilling and going out on the motorbike. For our daughters it's not being in school and spending most of the day in the pool. For me, it's the warmth, wearing a thin layer of clothing, walking barefoot and just hanging out with my family.
I fully expected to start writing the Monday after we returned however...
The first thing that happened was putting out the garbage that first night back at the house and freezing. I could feel all my muscles trembling. I got sick. I felt worn out, my nose was constantly dripping and my entire head was congested. I accomplished nothing that first week back.
I was scheduled to participate in the North Grenville Sustainability Fair the next weekend. My body was on the mend and I prepared boxes of art materials to inspire children to create a village with butcher paper, cardboard boxes, paints, markers, duct tape, popsicle sticks and cotton balls. A young boy and his little sister discovered my three tables set up in the far corner and they jumped in. They invited others to join the fun and, next thing I knew, my corner was super busy and the village was taking shape. It was an exciting afternoon and I was very proud of the outcome.
The fair was on the Sunday. I was relaxing, eating my breakfast on Monday morning when I realized the Catholic District School Board was having its Community Partner Day in one hour. I had totally forgotten about it. The date had been set such a long time ago. I jumped in the shower and drove to Smiths Falls as fast as I could. It was so worth it! I made great contacts, handed out many cards and learned about opportunities to get involved with the school board.
For the following three weeks, I had one workshop with parents and their children, each week, at Kemptville Public School. The Parent Council applied for a Parents Reaching Out grant on my behalf. Therefore, I was able to offer three 90 minute sessions to families for free on the topic of communication. We created family sculptures on the first week to define each family's identity. Then, for the second session, we explored our aliens and learned how to communicate emotions in a constructive way. The final and third week had families create wish boxes to plan quality activities together. I was thrilled with the turn out. I received excellent feedback from the families and the parent council. It was such a great opportunity for me to showcase what I do. To top it all off, another school has contacted me. They heard about my workshops and will be applying for funding to have me offer those same workshops at their school in the Fall. Life is good!
I was also in contact with Tim Gordon at Burnstown Publishing. They will be printing 50 copies of my Have You Hugged Your Alien? book as well as 50 copies of my new book, The Story of Poobum and Pompom. I am so happy to have my second book on its way. I believe the book is going to the printers tomorrow. We have been e-mailing back and forth to sort through details and ensure the book is a success. I am now organizing my book launch for early June. All very exciting stuff!
Throughout this busy time, each of my family members has been sick. I was sick the first week back, then my youngest, then my husband and now, as I sit here and write, my eldest daughter is ill as well.
I love writing and I will now pick up where I left off. However, I have decided to not write on weekends. I was struggling to get my writing done on weekends before because, from Friday evening to Sunday night, I am surrounded by family. I get stressed because I am torn between two intentions, writing every day and spending quality time with my loved ones. I believe that keeping my writing to weekdays, will help me balance out my life.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I'm back! I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. My intention was to resume my writing yesterday, a Monday. My husband offered to take our daughters to gymnastics and I felt it was the best opportunity to sit and write. Then, one hour later, he and the girls were on their way home. Our eldest was throwing up. There would be no gymnastics and, no writing.
I took a break from writing when I left for a two week trip with my family to Florida. We always book a home through Vacation Rentals By Owners (VRBO). We had a great time together. For my husband, the best thing is grilling and going out on the motorbike. For our daughters it's not being in school and spending most of the day in the pool. For me, it's the warmth, wearing a thin layer of clothing, walking barefoot and just hanging out with my family.
I fully expected to start writing the Monday after we returned however...
The first thing that happened was putting out the garbage that first night back at the house and freezing. I could feel all my muscles trembling. I got sick. I felt worn out, my nose was constantly dripping and my entire head was congested. I accomplished nothing that first week back.
I was scheduled to participate in the North Grenville Sustainability Fair the next weekend. My body was on the mend and I prepared boxes of art materials to inspire children to create a village with butcher paper, cardboard boxes, paints, markers, duct tape, popsicle sticks and cotton balls. A young boy and his little sister discovered my three tables set up in the far corner and they jumped in. They invited others to join the fun and, next thing I knew, my corner was super busy and the village was taking shape. It was an exciting afternoon and I was very proud of the outcome.
The fair was on the Sunday. I was relaxing, eating my breakfast on Monday morning when I realized the Catholic District School Board was having its Community Partner Day in one hour. I had totally forgotten about it. The date had been set such a long time ago. I jumped in the shower and drove to Smiths Falls as fast as I could. It was so worth it! I made great contacts, handed out many cards and learned about opportunities to get involved with the school board.
For the following three weeks, I had one workshop with parents and their children, each week, at Kemptville Public School. The Parent Council applied for a Parents Reaching Out grant on my behalf. Therefore, I was able to offer three 90 minute sessions to families for free on the topic of communication. We created family sculptures on the first week to define each family's identity. Then, for the second session, we explored our aliens and learned how to communicate emotions in a constructive way. The final and third week had families create wish boxes to plan quality activities together. I was thrilled with the turn out. I received excellent feedback from the families and the parent council. It was such a great opportunity for me to showcase what I do. To top it all off, another school has contacted me. They heard about my workshops and will be applying for funding to have me offer those same workshops at their school in the Fall. Life is good!
I was also in contact with Tim Gordon at Burnstown Publishing. They will be printing 50 copies of my Have You Hugged Your Alien? book as well as 50 copies of my new book, The Story of Poobum and Pompom. I am so happy to have my second book on its way. I believe the book is going to the printers tomorrow. We have been e-mailing back and forth to sort through details and ensure the book is a success. I am now organizing my book launch for early June. All very exciting stuff!
Throughout this busy time, each of my family members has been sick. I was sick the first week back, then my youngest, then my husband and now, as I sit here and write, my eldest daughter is ill as well.
I love writing and I will now pick up where I left off. However, I have decided to not write on weekends. I was struggling to get my writing done on weekends before because, from Friday evening to Sunday night, I am surrounded by family. I get stressed because I am torn between two intentions, writing every day and spending quality time with my loved ones. I believe that keeping my writing to weekdays, will help me balance out my life.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Why Teens Benefit from Art Therapy
March 7th, 2016
I had the opportunity to offer a stress management art therapy workshop to a group of high school students. I thoroughly enjoyed it and so did the students.
When I started my business, Art & Soul, I was marketing myself to women in midlife. I felt that I could help them because I was also a woman in midlife so I could relate and understand what they were going through. I did get clients in this demographic but many of them asked me to see their children or teenagers.
I ended up with a larger than expected teenage clientèle. Here is what I have noticed about teenagers doing art therapy.
1-Teenagers don't necessarily want to look at an adult while they talk. Have you ever noticed that your teenager talks to you the most when you are driving? Does your teen prefer texting you than talking to you face-to-face even though you are under the same roof? It can feel awkward to talk to an adult while they are looking at you. Eye contact in general can feel intrusive. Art therapy works because the teenage client can get to work painting, drawing or sculpting as we talk.
2-Teenagers are very creative and, it is part of their development to explore ideas, thoughts, beliefs. They are forming their sense of self and naturally turn to creative pursuits to explore different personas, ideas, beliefs and behaviors. The art is a perfect tool for this. Rather than dread the moment when they must meet with an adult and talk about problems, they can look forward to an opportunity to represent issues in a 3D, visual way, externalising and manipulating it.
3-Teenagers don't necessarily trust adults. When teenagers have been beaten or physically/emotionally abused, they may feel very vulnerable during a conversation with their therapist. They have a set amount of time and they are expected to sit down and tell this stranger what they are experiencing. The art provides an option to express information in a progressive way as trust levels grow. The therapist becomes a witness of this creative process, not an interrogator (which is how teen clients have said they feel during verbal therapy).
4-The element of choice is important to everyone, especially teenagers. My teen clients may have chosen to see me, often it is the parent who is sending them. In art therapy, they have many choices which helps them feel empowered. They choose whether to talk or create or do both at the same time. They choose which art material to use and how to apply it. They can add messages in writing on their work to provide additional information to the therapist or parent, something they wouldn't be able to say in person.
Teenagers have told me that they like having a quiet space where they can come and work at their own pace. They are very bright and enjoy observing the progression of their work when we do an art review. They notice the patterns in their work and find journaling helpful in making connections to these patterns. They are in control and feel more and more confident in their creative process. The art miroirs back to them and they gain a strong, grounded sense of who they are and what they are about. Creative exploration should be a valued part of the curriculum in high schools. Once a safe class environment is created, students could learn more compassion for one another as they each work through their issues in a creative way.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I had the opportunity to offer a stress management art therapy workshop to a group of high school students. I thoroughly enjoyed it and so did the students.
When I started my business, Art & Soul, I was marketing myself to women in midlife. I felt that I could help them because I was also a woman in midlife so I could relate and understand what they were going through. I did get clients in this demographic but many of them asked me to see their children or teenagers.
I ended up with a larger than expected teenage clientèle. Here is what I have noticed about teenagers doing art therapy.
1-Teenagers don't necessarily want to look at an adult while they talk. Have you ever noticed that your teenager talks to you the most when you are driving? Does your teen prefer texting you than talking to you face-to-face even though you are under the same roof? It can feel awkward to talk to an adult while they are looking at you. Eye contact in general can feel intrusive. Art therapy works because the teenage client can get to work painting, drawing or sculpting as we talk.
2-Teenagers are very creative and, it is part of their development to explore ideas, thoughts, beliefs. They are forming their sense of self and naturally turn to creative pursuits to explore different personas, ideas, beliefs and behaviors. The art is a perfect tool for this. Rather than dread the moment when they must meet with an adult and talk about problems, they can look forward to an opportunity to represent issues in a 3D, visual way, externalising and manipulating it.
3-Teenagers don't necessarily trust adults. When teenagers have been beaten or physically/emotionally abused, they may feel very vulnerable during a conversation with their therapist. They have a set amount of time and they are expected to sit down and tell this stranger what they are experiencing. The art provides an option to express information in a progressive way as trust levels grow. The therapist becomes a witness of this creative process, not an interrogator (which is how teen clients have said they feel during verbal therapy).
4-The element of choice is important to everyone, especially teenagers. My teen clients may have chosen to see me, often it is the parent who is sending them. In art therapy, they have many choices which helps them feel empowered. They choose whether to talk or create or do both at the same time. They choose which art material to use and how to apply it. They can add messages in writing on their work to provide additional information to the therapist or parent, something they wouldn't be able to say in person.
Teenagers have told me that they like having a quiet space where they can come and work at their own pace. They are very bright and enjoy observing the progression of their work when we do an art review. They notice the patterns in their work and find journaling helpful in making connections to these patterns. They are in control and feel more and more confident in their creative process. The art miroirs back to them and they gain a strong, grounded sense of who they are and what they are about. Creative exploration should be a valued part of the curriculum in high schools. Once a safe class environment is created, students could learn more compassion for one another as they each work through their issues in a creative way.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 29 February 2016
Hope for Depression
February 28th, 2016
Lately, I have been working on bringing more mindfulness into my life. I was never good at meditation. You have to sit there, focus on your breathing, maybe repeat a mantra, spine straight, legs crossed etc. I am not sitting or breathing normally, my back aches and my mind wanders. It's not a pleasant experience and I generally give up within four days. What I like about mindfulness is that I am not trying to empty my mind. As a matter of fact, my mind is engaged: noticing the smells, sights and sounds around me, tuning into the sensations in my body, my feelings and thoughts. I can practise mindfulness while I drive, walk, cook or shower. This approach works for me. The goal of mindfulness is to connect with the present moment instead of ruminating about the past or anticipating the future.
Lately, a client was asking me about cognitive behavioural therapy. When I was completing my BA in Psychology, many of the courses were based on behavioural therapy. We learned to use reinforcement and punishment to increase or extinguish behaviours through techniques like "shaping". It was my least favourite approach to psychology because it was all very clinical with research conducted on animals (think Pavlov's dog) and applied to humans. I preferred humanistic and cognitive approaches because they treated the client as an active participant in therapy.
I wanted to help my client find a cognitive behavioural resource near here so I began a search online. I found an interesting combination: Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy. The research is very impressive, especially for individuals suffering from chronic depression. The research indicates that MBCT helps clients identify the negative thoughts that lead to a relapse. There are associations between thought patterns, moods and relapsing into a depressive episode. By acknowledging that these are only fleeting thoughts, challenging these thoughts and replacing them with facts, clients interrupt the sequence and are able to avoid triggering a relapse. In a study comparing the outcome of participants on medication with participants undergoing MBCT, they found that people on the medication needed to stay on the medication whereas, individuals who had participated in MBCT were less likely to experience a relapse. The medication may be successful in increasing the amount of serotonin in a client's brain but MBCT creates new neural pathways through the hippocampus.
People experiencing depressive episodes lasting months at a time, are living in fear of the next onset, holding their breath. When they feel the darkness looming, they experience helplessness and anxiety. They don't know how deep they will go or how long it will last. For loved ones, watching someone suffer and not being able to help is devastating. When someone is sick with the flu, you know it will pass, you can make some soup, buy soft tissues with lotion in them so their nose isn't as irritated, you can check on them, refill their water, you feel useful. There isn't much you can do when your loved one is depressed. You can be there and love them but trying to "cheer them up" only makes it worst. If taking a walk and getting some fresh air helped, they would be doing it. You can feel sad and helpless while getting frustrated as well. Then you feel guilty for getting frustrated.
That is why I wanted to share this approach. I have just started reading about it, I forwarded it to my client and, I will be looking into the requirements of training in this approach as well. One more tool in my therapeutic toolbox. To find out more for yourself, visit www.mbct.com.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Lately, I have been working on bringing more mindfulness into my life. I was never good at meditation. You have to sit there, focus on your breathing, maybe repeat a mantra, spine straight, legs crossed etc. I am not sitting or breathing normally, my back aches and my mind wanders. It's not a pleasant experience and I generally give up within four days. What I like about mindfulness is that I am not trying to empty my mind. As a matter of fact, my mind is engaged: noticing the smells, sights and sounds around me, tuning into the sensations in my body, my feelings and thoughts. I can practise mindfulness while I drive, walk, cook or shower. This approach works for me. The goal of mindfulness is to connect with the present moment instead of ruminating about the past or anticipating the future.
Lately, a client was asking me about cognitive behavioural therapy. When I was completing my BA in Psychology, many of the courses were based on behavioural therapy. We learned to use reinforcement and punishment to increase or extinguish behaviours through techniques like "shaping". It was my least favourite approach to psychology because it was all very clinical with research conducted on animals (think Pavlov's dog) and applied to humans. I preferred humanistic and cognitive approaches because they treated the client as an active participant in therapy.
I wanted to help my client find a cognitive behavioural resource near here so I began a search online. I found an interesting combination: Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy. The research is very impressive, especially for individuals suffering from chronic depression. The research indicates that MBCT helps clients identify the negative thoughts that lead to a relapse. There are associations between thought patterns, moods and relapsing into a depressive episode. By acknowledging that these are only fleeting thoughts, challenging these thoughts and replacing them with facts, clients interrupt the sequence and are able to avoid triggering a relapse. In a study comparing the outcome of participants on medication with participants undergoing MBCT, they found that people on the medication needed to stay on the medication whereas, individuals who had participated in MBCT were less likely to experience a relapse. The medication may be successful in increasing the amount of serotonin in a client's brain but MBCT creates new neural pathways through the hippocampus.
People experiencing depressive episodes lasting months at a time, are living in fear of the next onset, holding their breath. When they feel the darkness looming, they experience helplessness and anxiety. They don't know how deep they will go or how long it will last. For loved ones, watching someone suffer and not being able to help is devastating. When someone is sick with the flu, you know it will pass, you can make some soup, buy soft tissues with lotion in them so their nose isn't as irritated, you can check on them, refill their water, you feel useful. There isn't much you can do when your loved one is depressed. You can be there and love them but trying to "cheer them up" only makes it worst. If taking a walk and getting some fresh air helped, they would be doing it. You can feel sad and helpless while getting frustrated as well. Then you feel guilty for getting frustrated.
That is why I wanted to share this approach. I have just started reading about it, I forwarded it to my client and, I will be looking into the requirements of training in this approach as well. One more tool in my therapeutic toolbox. To find out more for yourself, visit www.mbct.com.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 26 February 2016
I Do
February 25th, 2016
Growing up, you read fairy tales about princesses who are beautiful-birds landing on their outstretched index finger and cute forest creatures gathering to hear them sing. The princess is in trouble, usually because of a step mother or evil witch who covets the princess's beauty. The princess nearly dies but her prince saves her. In the nick of time, he swoops in on his white horse and battles the dragon or kisses her lips and revives her. Then, of course, they live happily ever after. There is never a sequel. What does it mean to live happily ever after? What would that look like?
As a young girl, you idealize your dad. He is your prince. He is strong, he protects you and loves you. You draw him pictures and hug him tight, holding onto his neck. You feel safe. As a young woman, when you like a guy, you project your fantasies onto him. Is he THE ONE?
There are so many beginnings to a relationship: hot, blind and fiery, you just love exploring each other's bodies but you really know nothing about each other (less talking, more kissing), friends first, you develop feelings for a guy friend and have to get through the awkward stage of "Oh My God, this is my friend I'm kissing", love-at-first-sight, you meet a total stranger and feel like you've come home, everything feels familiar and right about this person or, hate-lust, couples who start out as archenemies until, one day, during one of their arguments, there is a kiss, followed by bliss. They fight and make-up over and over again and, they wouldn't have it any other way. There are plenty more ways to get started but, you get the point.
So, what happens next? Eventually, things get more serious, they stop seeing other people, they move in together and, eventually commit (maybe through marriage or just an agreement). Sometimes, immediately after the commitment, one of the partners panics and attempts to sabotage it (I'm trapped, can't breathe). There can be a long stretch of time where both parties feel safe, comfortable, proud and hopeful for the future.
If you have children, things get a little tricky. You have a fantasy in your mind of what that will be like, so does he. Do they match? Do you understand each other's expectations? You imagine yourself getting pregnant right away, calling everyone to share the great news, you look radiant, you and the baby are healthy, your partner is interested in going to every appointment and hearing all the details of your pregnancy, the baby comes on its due date, you squat and push that baby out in record time, you hold your baby in your arms and you are the picture of motherhood, your newborn latches on perfectly, sleeps through the night, a swarm of visitors come to see you and the baby, your husband exudes love and pride as he looks into your eyes, your life is exactly the same as before except you bring the baby along. Cue the sound of the needle scratching the record. If you have children, you recognize the sarcasm here. Things rarely happen perfectly. You may not conceive, throw up for the first semester, go through complications, experience a hellish childbirth, have trouble breastfeeding or end up with a colicky baby. This is real life.
This is where your relationship grows. You need each other. There are challenges and you must figure out how to get through them. Four months of sleepless nights were not part of the fairytale. I don't recall the stretch marks and mood swings being in there either. So there you are, two people who love each other but who are being tested. You may both be tired, worried and stressed. How will you handle this? Will you blame your partner, leave, have an affair, work late or communicate, come up with a plan and tackle this together? Maybe you'll try all of these until you find what works.
You may not have any children. You meet someone, become a couple, work, travel, entertain friends and enjoy leisure activities together. Life will still present a few hurdles to strengthen your relationship. You lose your job, his mother becomes ill, the in-laws are intrusive or you just get bored after a few years. Each of you wonders: "Is this it"? Once again, you have a choice. How will you face the challenge? Will you remember that you're on the same team? It's scary when times get rough. You think about the divorce statistics, you worry that you won't make it. Will things get better or is this the end?
My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary in August. We have two amazing daughters, ages 10 and 7. His business is thriving. I have changed jobs and now work from home. We are in such a good place right now. However, we have been through our share of issues and there were times I'm sure we both wanted to punch each other's brains out. We each had some baggage and every conflict caused us to unpack a bit at a time. We know our triggers and patterns. We have seen each other at our worst but also witnessed our strength, devotion and compassion. We have our date night every week and we spend time together when the girls are in school. We still make each other laugh, pushing the boundaries until one of us says: "OK that's enough, this has gone too far". I love him in a completely different way. I used to look at him, the way he dressed, the spikes in his hair, his goatee, his green eyes, I loved the way he held my hand or acted silly in public, I enjoyed working out together then eating delicious vietnamese food or watching him at work, so skilled and competent.
My favourite moments now are watching him show our youngest how to start a terrific fire in the fireplace or how to cook delicious soup. I love seeing our eldest cuddle up with him and tell him about her day. The girls love his silliness and the way he throws them into the pool in the summer. I love hearing them squeal with delight as they run down the hallway when he makes monster noises and chases them. It feels good to eat supper together, walk the dog as a family or go out for ice cream. I still enjoy watching him work, we hold hands every night as we relax in front of the tv before bed, we never run out of jokes and we eat vietnamese food weekly.
We need longer fairy tales to teach us what real relationships look like when two people agree to love one another, even when it's hard. To show young people what it feels like to get to the other side, stronger, humbler and, more compassionate.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Growing up, you read fairy tales about princesses who are beautiful-birds landing on their outstretched index finger and cute forest creatures gathering to hear them sing. The princess is in trouble, usually because of a step mother or evil witch who covets the princess's beauty. The princess nearly dies but her prince saves her. In the nick of time, he swoops in on his white horse and battles the dragon or kisses her lips and revives her. Then, of course, they live happily ever after. There is never a sequel. What does it mean to live happily ever after? What would that look like?
As a young girl, you idealize your dad. He is your prince. He is strong, he protects you and loves you. You draw him pictures and hug him tight, holding onto his neck. You feel safe. As a young woman, when you like a guy, you project your fantasies onto him. Is he THE ONE?
There are so many beginnings to a relationship: hot, blind and fiery, you just love exploring each other's bodies but you really know nothing about each other (less talking, more kissing), friends first, you develop feelings for a guy friend and have to get through the awkward stage of "Oh My God, this is my friend I'm kissing", love-at-first-sight, you meet a total stranger and feel like you've come home, everything feels familiar and right about this person or, hate-lust, couples who start out as archenemies until, one day, during one of their arguments, there is a kiss, followed by bliss. They fight and make-up over and over again and, they wouldn't have it any other way. There are plenty more ways to get started but, you get the point.
So, what happens next? Eventually, things get more serious, they stop seeing other people, they move in together and, eventually commit (maybe through marriage or just an agreement). Sometimes, immediately after the commitment, one of the partners panics and attempts to sabotage it (I'm trapped, can't breathe). There can be a long stretch of time where both parties feel safe, comfortable, proud and hopeful for the future.
If you have children, things get a little tricky. You have a fantasy in your mind of what that will be like, so does he. Do they match? Do you understand each other's expectations? You imagine yourself getting pregnant right away, calling everyone to share the great news, you look radiant, you and the baby are healthy, your partner is interested in going to every appointment and hearing all the details of your pregnancy, the baby comes on its due date, you squat and push that baby out in record time, you hold your baby in your arms and you are the picture of motherhood, your newborn latches on perfectly, sleeps through the night, a swarm of visitors come to see you and the baby, your husband exudes love and pride as he looks into your eyes, your life is exactly the same as before except you bring the baby along. Cue the sound of the needle scratching the record. If you have children, you recognize the sarcasm here. Things rarely happen perfectly. You may not conceive, throw up for the first semester, go through complications, experience a hellish childbirth, have trouble breastfeeding or end up with a colicky baby. This is real life.
This is where your relationship grows. You need each other. There are challenges and you must figure out how to get through them. Four months of sleepless nights were not part of the fairytale. I don't recall the stretch marks and mood swings being in there either. So there you are, two people who love each other but who are being tested. You may both be tired, worried and stressed. How will you handle this? Will you blame your partner, leave, have an affair, work late or communicate, come up with a plan and tackle this together? Maybe you'll try all of these until you find what works.
You may not have any children. You meet someone, become a couple, work, travel, entertain friends and enjoy leisure activities together. Life will still present a few hurdles to strengthen your relationship. You lose your job, his mother becomes ill, the in-laws are intrusive or you just get bored after a few years. Each of you wonders: "Is this it"? Once again, you have a choice. How will you face the challenge? Will you remember that you're on the same team? It's scary when times get rough. You think about the divorce statistics, you worry that you won't make it. Will things get better or is this the end?
My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary in August. We have two amazing daughters, ages 10 and 7. His business is thriving. I have changed jobs and now work from home. We are in such a good place right now. However, we have been through our share of issues and there were times I'm sure we both wanted to punch each other's brains out. We each had some baggage and every conflict caused us to unpack a bit at a time. We know our triggers and patterns. We have seen each other at our worst but also witnessed our strength, devotion and compassion. We have our date night every week and we spend time together when the girls are in school. We still make each other laugh, pushing the boundaries until one of us says: "OK that's enough, this has gone too far". I love him in a completely different way. I used to look at him, the way he dressed, the spikes in his hair, his goatee, his green eyes, I loved the way he held my hand or acted silly in public, I enjoyed working out together then eating delicious vietnamese food or watching him at work, so skilled and competent.
My favourite moments now are watching him show our youngest how to start a terrific fire in the fireplace or how to cook delicious soup. I love seeing our eldest cuddle up with him and tell him about her day. The girls love his silliness and the way he throws them into the pool in the summer. I love hearing them squeal with delight as they run down the hallway when he makes monster noises and chases them. It feels good to eat supper together, walk the dog as a family or go out for ice cream. I still enjoy watching him work, we hold hands every night as we relax in front of the tv before bed, we never run out of jokes and we eat vietnamese food weekly.
We need longer fairy tales to teach us what real relationships look like when two people agree to love one another, even when it's hard. To show young people what it feels like to get to the other side, stronger, humbler and, more compassionate.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Date Night
January 31st
Just over ten years ago, Vincent and I became parents. Our youngest daughter's Godparents, the Braidecs, were at my husband's shop. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I can't remember which anniversary it was but they have been together a long time, with two happy, successful, adult children. I asked them for the secret to a long marriage. I was expecting something like communication, compassion, humour etc, the usuals. They said they always made a point of having a date, once a week. This can be challenging when the children are young but it's important.
To this day, Vincent and I have our date night every week. I truly do believe it has helped us stay connected through the tough times. When you have children, you form a triangle and, although you can all interact as a family, the focus of both parents is usually directed to the child. When you try to communicate as a couple, within the home, you can be interrupted so many times you never finish any of the topics. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication and alienation.
Also, because it's easy to get sucked into a routine where each partner has a role, unless a couple gets out of the house without children on a regular basis, when they finally end up alone together, they may no longer know how to connect. They suddenly feel like strangers and have nothing to say. Our dates allowed us to stay romantic. I would dress up every week. The girls loved watching me get changed out of my "mommy" clothes. They always suggested which dress to wear. It shows them what it's like to care for someone and want special time with them. They saw us as a united couple who went out and had fun together.
During our date nights, we could have fun, laugh about whatever had happened during the week or just enjoy each other's company the way we did before we became parents. Sometimes, when we were stressed and overwhelmed by our responsibilities, we might take each other for granted and communicate in gruff ways throughout the week. It was nice to go out and realize we were ok. Taken away from the context of "duties", our pace would resume and we could see beyond the stress of the week.
On a few occasions, we vented our frustrations in the car on the way to the restaurant. We could get everything out without worrying that the children could hear. We might stay in the car longer than anticipated but, in the end, we had cleared the air and we were able to progress. Going out regularly means you don't forget what it's like to enjoy being your spouse's partner. We have had amazing conversations in the car and at the restaurant. We are able to talk about what is happening in our life, what we have learned, what our goals are for the future etc.
Even though there were weeks that the girls begged me to stay home with them when they were younger, they now look forward to our date night because they love their babysitter, Lauren. When they were very young, our date may be the only outing I got all week. It felt good to dress up and enjoy my supper while it was still warm, to feel like a woman. We became regulars in some restaurants and developed friendships with wait staff, managers and restaurant owners. It was fun to get out, socialize and have a good laugh.
Our sense of humour has always been a big part of our relationship. Spending time together, relaxing, eating good food, chatting, joking around, holding hands, even kissing on the way to the car, all of it has helped to keep our relationship fresh and fun.
If you have young children and you need to bring some joy back in your life, follow these steps:
1-Make date night a priority.
2-Find reliable, responsible people to babysit. If you have no money to pay for a sitter, see if a friend with children will trade with you so they can go out as well. You could also eat at home after you put the kids to bed so you can talk and have a date alone.
3-You don't need to go somewhere fancy. Tim Hortons and Subway can work just as well as a fancy restaurant. The point is to have time together.
4-Don't use this time to complain, go over the honey-do list or stress out about bills. All of this can be done during the drive there if you absolutely need to discuss it. Once you get to the restaurant, switch to date mode.
5-Dress up for your date so you can feel sexy. Don't forget to notice how good your partner looks.
6-Take the opportunity to hold hands, sit close together and cuddle.
7-Don't invite others to join you unless you have other opportunities to go out together alone.
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Just over ten years ago, Vincent and I became parents. Our youngest daughter's Godparents, the Braidecs, were at my husband's shop. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I can't remember which anniversary it was but they have been together a long time, with two happy, successful, adult children. I asked them for the secret to a long marriage. I was expecting something like communication, compassion, humour etc, the usuals. They said they always made a point of having a date, once a week. This can be challenging when the children are young but it's important.
To this day, Vincent and I have our date night every week. I truly do believe it has helped us stay connected through the tough times. When you have children, you form a triangle and, although you can all interact as a family, the focus of both parents is usually directed to the child. When you try to communicate as a couple, within the home, you can be interrupted so many times you never finish any of the topics. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication and alienation.
Also, because it's easy to get sucked into a routine where each partner has a role, unless a couple gets out of the house without children on a regular basis, when they finally end up alone together, they may no longer know how to connect. They suddenly feel like strangers and have nothing to say. Our dates allowed us to stay romantic. I would dress up every week. The girls loved watching me get changed out of my "mommy" clothes. They always suggested which dress to wear. It shows them what it's like to care for someone and want special time with them. They saw us as a united couple who went out and had fun together.
During our date nights, we could have fun, laugh about whatever had happened during the week or just enjoy each other's company the way we did before we became parents. Sometimes, when we were stressed and overwhelmed by our responsibilities, we might take each other for granted and communicate in gruff ways throughout the week. It was nice to go out and realize we were ok. Taken away from the context of "duties", our pace would resume and we could see beyond the stress of the week.
On a few occasions, we vented our frustrations in the car on the way to the restaurant. We could get everything out without worrying that the children could hear. We might stay in the car longer than anticipated but, in the end, we had cleared the air and we were able to progress. Going out regularly means you don't forget what it's like to enjoy being your spouse's partner. We have had amazing conversations in the car and at the restaurant. We are able to talk about what is happening in our life, what we have learned, what our goals are for the future etc.
Even though there were weeks that the girls begged me to stay home with them when they were younger, they now look forward to our date night because they love their babysitter, Lauren. When they were very young, our date may be the only outing I got all week. It felt good to dress up and enjoy my supper while it was still warm, to feel like a woman. We became regulars in some restaurants and developed friendships with wait staff, managers and restaurant owners. It was fun to get out, socialize and have a good laugh.
Our sense of humour has always been a big part of our relationship. Spending time together, relaxing, eating good food, chatting, joking around, holding hands, even kissing on the way to the car, all of it has helped to keep our relationship fresh and fun.
If you have young children and you need to bring some joy back in your life, follow these steps:
1-Make date night a priority.
2-Find reliable, responsible people to babysit. If you have no money to pay for a sitter, see if a friend with children will trade with you so they can go out as well. You could also eat at home after you put the kids to bed so you can talk and have a date alone.
3-You don't need to go somewhere fancy. Tim Hortons and Subway can work just as well as a fancy restaurant. The point is to have time together.
4-Don't use this time to complain, go over the honey-do list or stress out about bills. All of this can be done during the drive there if you absolutely need to discuss it. Once you get to the restaurant, switch to date mode.
5-Dress up for your date so you can feel sexy. Don't forget to notice how good your partner looks.
6-Take the opportunity to hold hands, sit close together and cuddle.
7-Don't invite others to join you unless you have other opportunities to go out together alone.
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
Creativity-Art Therapy
January 12th 2016
I've received a few e-mails asking me to define art therapy. I wrote about residents with dementia yesterday and people were asking what this work is all about. Art therapy is a professional counselling service, using various forms of creativity to help people heal through self-expression, insight and self-awareness, self-exploration, intuition, experimentation and the externalization of painful life experiences for which there are no words.
I initially trained as a verbal therapist at Ottawa University. I was fascinated by the way people process experiences and develop coping strategies. You can listen to someone's story and pinpoint the moment when they adopted behaviours that now define them. There is a reason for everything we do. The problem is we are not always aware of the things we do that get in our own way. Our friends and family who can observe us objectively have more insight into our behaviours and patterns. However, in order to protect us from this harsh truth, they often do not point them out to us. We keep repeating the same patterns with different people, frustrated and confused. We go to see a verbal therapist and try to sort it all out.
As a verbal therapist, I witnessed how often clients would walk in, tell me a myriad of stories which I would dutifully write down and respond to my questions as we progressed, putting together the various pieces of the puzzle. I felt quite satisfied with our work and my supervisor was pleased. By the third session, I would see the same pattern repeating itself. I would think, "We've already talked about this. She had that breakthrough last week. I thought she wasn't going to do that anymore". I talked to my supervisor who didn't share my concern. I realized I could not do this for a living. I need to see progress, not temporary progress but permanent change.
I read about art therapy and was immediately smitten with the connection it creates in people. Women who came in to talk about their painful issues could repeat their stories, without emotion, word for word. They had seen many therapists before and they knew their story like the back of their hand. Listening to the stories may have helped temporarily as I expressed compassion and responded to what they were saying, they were being heard. However, I expected more from therapy. Art therapy uses creative expression as well as verbal communication. The client is active from the very start. Clients choose the art materials, what to draw or paint, how much talking they want to engage in and, whether they want to talk as they create or only talk or only create or create then talk.
The art contains emotions. When working with my Survivors of Sexual Abuse group, I may start with a clay activity. I ask the participants to create a container, a receptacle to hold the overwhelming fears, emotions and memories for them. The art can be a mirror, showing me how a person responds to situations or how clients perceive themselves. An example of this would be the gentleman who'd suffered a stroke and struggled to create a portrait of a beautiful woman. He couldn't get her features right, they were not symmetrical and looked stretched. This clearly reflected his own frustrations about his face, he had lost control over one side of his body, the same side that was "not looking right" in the portrait. Lots of women criticize their work. As they paint or draw or sculpt, their inner monologue is externalized. "This looks dumb, I suck at this, a child could have done better". This allows me to question them about this monologue, to wonder where this voice came from and how much more fun this would be without the interruptions and judgements of this voice, It is the same voice that is interfering in other aspects of their lives.
Creative expression is very intimate and emotional. It cuts through the story to the core. The story about how many men have mistreated them turns into an image of a child crouching in the corner. Who is this child? The client recognizes herself as a child, hiding from her abusive father. There is a direct emotional connection, emotions are released. We get curious about what that child needs. Safety. We explore all the possible ways the client can provide safety for her inner child. There is a lot of guilt associated with the various ways this child has been neglected by her adult self, placed in dangerous situations, repeating the trauma. The client signs a contract, vowing to keep herself safe and eliminate people and behaviours that put her at risk. This is powerful work.
Creativity can also empower clients by serving as a tool for communication. When a couple comes in because they are ready to throw in the towel and I ask them to draw the problem, as they see it and, write down five adjectives to describe what they want for their relationship, they are both working together. They can "see" each other's point of view. They become aware of ways they have each hurt the other. They are surprised to see they want the same things: more time together, laughing, sex and less fighting. It's way easier to move forward when everyone is literally "on the same page".
Creative expression is cathartic. A young boy, diagnosed with ADHD, who is overwhelmed by his mother's anxiety, his father's anger and his brother's physical disabilities can pound the clay until it becomes soft and, relieved and relaxed, sculpt it into something beautiful. A 65 year old woman suffering from chronic pain can fill a body outline with various colours and textures and come face to face with the abortion she had 40 years ago. She cries and writes a letter to her unborn child and burns the outline, releasing her trauma. She leaves feeling lighter and "looser" in her body.
Creativity can help a group bond in a short amount of time. I see this in my groups. There is mutual support and compassion as they share how each person deals with the same issue. Feeling compassion for someone else with the same challenges engenders compassion for yourself as well. The art is also a safe place to plant the seeds of dreams for the future. Occasionally, I'll ask groups to create a collage of their ideal life in five years from now. They cut out images from magazines, write colourful words all around the images or affirmations. I then ask them to think of a song that represents the feeling state of this image. There is much giggling as they come up with quirky or sexy songs. The song helps them tap into this feeling state in the future, reminding them that they are on a path and they have already selected a destination.
Art therapy is the interaction between a compassionate professional, a brave, willing client and art materials. The materials have their own energy and appeal to different people. My role is to offer a safe place for people to connect with their own wisdom through non-verbal, creative expression. Their wisdom and intuition will lead them in the right direction. I get to witness their courage, their beauty and, ultimately, their healing.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I've received a few e-mails asking me to define art therapy. I wrote about residents with dementia yesterday and people were asking what this work is all about. Art therapy is a professional counselling service, using various forms of creativity to help people heal through self-expression, insight and self-awareness, self-exploration, intuition, experimentation and the externalization of painful life experiences for which there are no words.
I initially trained as a verbal therapist at Ottawa University. I was fascinated by the way people process experiences and develop coping strategies. You can listen to someone's story and pinpoint the moment when they adopted behaviours that now define them. There is a reason for everything we do. The problem is we are not always aware of the things we do that get in our own way. Our friends and family who can observe us objectively have more insight into our behaviours and patterns. However, in order to protect us from this harsh truth, they often do not point them out to us. We keep repeating the same patterns with different people, frustrated and confused. We go to see a verbal therapist and try to sort it all out.
As a verbal therapist, I witnessed how often clients would walk in, tell me a myriad of stories which I would dutifully write down and respond to my questions as we progressed, putting together the various pieces of the puzzle. I felt quite satisfied with our work and my supervisor was pleased. By the third session, I would see the same pattern repeating itself. I would think, "We've already talked about this. She had that breakthrough last week. I thought she wasn't going to do that anymore". I talked to my supervisor who didn't share my concern. I realized I could not do this for a living. I need to see progress, not temporary progress but permanent change.
I read about art therapy and was immediately smitten with the connection it creates in people. Women who came in to talk about their painful issues could repeat their stories, without emotion, word for word. They had seen many therapists before and they knew their story like the back of their hand. Listening to the stories may have helped temporarily as I expressed compassion and responded to what they were saying, they were being heard. However, I expected more from therapy. Art therapy uses creative expression as well as verbal communication. The client is active from the very start. Clients choose the art materials, what to draw or paint, how much talking they want to engage in and, whether they want to talk as they create or only talk or only create or create then talk.
The art contains emotions. When working with my Survivors of Sexual Abuse group, I may start with a clay activity. I ask the participants to create a container, a receptacle to hold the overwhelming fears, emotions and memories for them. The art can be a mirror, showing me how a person responds to situations or how clients perceive themselves. An example of this would be the gentleman who'd suffered a stroke and struggled to create a portrait of a beautiful woman. He couldn't get her features right, they were not symmetrical and looked stretched. This clearly reflected his own frustrations about his face, he had lost control over one side of his body, the same side that was "not looking right" in the portrait. Lots of women criticize their work. As they paint or draw or sculpt, their inner monologue is externalized. "This looks dumb, I suck at this, a child could have done better". This allows me to question them about this monologue, to wonder where this voice came from and how much more fun this would be without the interruptions and judgements of this voice, It is the same voice that is interfering in other aspects of their lives.
Creative expression is very intimate and emotional. It cuts through the story to the core. The story about how many men have mistreated them turns into an image of a child crouching in the corner. Who is this child? The client recognizes herself as a child, hiding from her abusive father. There is a direct emotional connection, emotions are released. We get curious about what that child needs. Safety. We explore all the possible ways the client can provide safety for her inner child. There is a lot of guilt associated with the various ways this child has been neglected by her adult self, placed in dangerous situations, repeating the trauma. The client signs a contract, vowing to keep herself safe and eliminate people and behaviours that put her at risk. This is powerful work.
Creativity can also empower clients by serving as a tool for communication. When a couple comes in because they are ready to throw in the towel and I ask them to draw the problem, as they see it and, write down five adjectives to describe what they want for their relationship, they are both working together. They can "see" each other's point of view. They become aware of ways they have each hurt the other. They are surprised to see they want the same things: more time together, laughing, sex and less fighting. It's way easier to move forward when everyone is literally "on the same page".
Creative expression is cathartic. A young boy, diagnosed with ADHD, who is overwhelmed by his mother's anxiety, his father's anger and his brother's physical disabilities can pound the clay until it becomes soft and, relieved and relaxed, sculpt it into something beautiful. A 65 year old woman suffering from chronic pain can fill a body outline with various colours and textures and come face to face with the abortion she had 40 years ago. She cries and writes a letter to her unborn child and burns the outline, releasing her trauma. She leaves feeling lighter and "looser" in her body.
Creativity can help a group bond in a short amount of time. I see this in my groups. There is mutual support and compassion as they share how each person deals with the same issue. Feeling compassion for someone else with the same challenges engenders compassion for yourself as well. The art is also a safe place to plant the seeds of dreams for the future. Occasionally, I'll ask groups to create a collage of their ideal life in five years from now. They cut out images from magazines, write colourful words all around the images or affirmations. I then ask them to think of a song that represents the feeling state of this image. There is much giggling as they come up with quirky or sexy songs. The song helps them tap into this feeling state in the future, reminding them that they are on a path and they have already selected a destination.
Art therapy is the interaction between a compassionate professional, a brave, willing client and art materials. The materials have their own energy and appeal to different people. My role is to offer a safe place for people to connect with their own wisdom through non-verbal, creative expression. Their wisdom and intuition will lead them in the right direction. I get to witness their courage, their beauty and, ultimately, their healing.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 11 January 2016
Mental Health-Dementia
January 11th, 2016
I was driving around today, wondering what to write about. An idea popped into my mind. My last field placement, as I completed the two-year graduate art therapy program, was on a locked dementia unit. I had worked with children, I enjoyed leading group sessions at Women's College Hospital with outpatients and I thought I would bring art therapy to older adults.
I spent time in two different long term care facilities. In one facility, I travelled with an art cart from the floor for active older adults, to the "low mobility" unit, doing art in their rooms. I also offered a few group sessions on the dementia unit's activity room. In the second facility, I mostly spent time going to resident's rooms on the dementia unit.
I wish someone had filmed my first month with patients diagnosed with dementia. I really wanted to connect with them, enrich their lives, bring some joy to the unit itself. However, I knew nothing about working with this population and they frightened me. I quickly learned never to lean over in front of a seemingly frail, confused man. Some instincts are alive and well and my back end was grabbed more times than I can count. Ditto for leaning forward while feeding a resident in a geriatric chair. The residents were all seated in a main area and some were non-verbal, others were too confused and couldn't tell me their name. I would introduce myself and ask their name. No response. I would look at the name on the door closest to where they were sitting. "Are you Mrs Boucher?" They would nod. The nurse who happened to walk by would inform me that Mrs Boucher was at bingo, this was Mrs Finnigan. The resident would respond with indifference, "What she said". I had to learn their names so I could document who I had visited. I made a note next to each name to recognize them next time as well as some warnings such as, bites, spits, yells, grabs etc. so I could keep myself safe.
I doubted my sanity for thinking I could do art therapy with this population. I am ashamed to admit that I pre-judged them. The first thing that caught my attention was the reaction of residents when I came to work. I had only been there a week or so when I walked onto the unit and headed for the nurse's station. I heard people getting up from the glider chairs and walkers being clinked together and wheels gliding on the carpet. The residents who normally sat in the main entrance, bored, an empty look in their eyes were walking over to me. They were asking me: "What are we doing today?" or "Were you looking for me?". Even the non-verbal lady came over, smiling and rubbed my back, waiting. I was moved by this response because it proved that they have an emotional memory. They may not remember my name, most of them called me "Hey, girl" but they recognized my face and remembered that they liked me, or at least, liked what they did with me. The residents have a very different response to staff who show up to bathe them. They hate baths.
I loved working with this population, once I learned how to communicate with them. They lose their inhibitions so you are less likely to hear them say: "Oh no, I'm not an artist". They have a great sense of humour and are very spontaneous. They love to be with other people and many of them crave colour. They love to party, to dance, sing and create. I took photos of them enjoying their life and posted them at the door to the dining room. That way, they had something to look at while they waited to get into the dining room and their loved ones could see these photos as well. They don't remember the fun they had but when they see themselves, they are excited, "Hey that's me" they'll say and laugh.
I engaged families to help us connect with their loved one. They shared loved stories about their parents for Valentine's Day. I posted each story next to the resident's door along with a photograph of them as a younger adult. This served as a reminder to anyone who entered the room that this person wasn't always this way. They were each individuals with a story, worthy of dignity. For non-verbal residents in geriatric chairs, creating placemats of photos with subtitles for their table-top provided a glimpse for staff into the resident's life, values, traditions. Instead of walking past them, they might stop and read the information and comment on what a lovely family they have. It also helped the residents feel less isolated because they could see photos of their loved ones.
I discovered a creative streak in one of the residents I visited weekly. She became non-verbal and I wondered if she was still interested in participating in our sessions. I used collage with her. She had been telling me about her life, she had suffered a great deal. As her language skills diminished, I brought magazines and clipped out images she could choose. I would then place them on piece of paper and ask her to move them to where she wanted them. Once they were all organized, I would glue them and she would paint colours around them, giving them a background. One day, she picked out a deer. She wrote: "Poor Dear" and filled the background with blue. The paint was dripping, it looked like tears. It was absolutely appropriate considering all she had been through. I know there was meaning to her art, it wasn't just a coincidence.
When I was hired to continue my work on this unit, I quickly became an advocate for my 40 residents. I was determined to take them to the art gallery for art workshops. I had volunteers and the art gallery was willing to work with my group but the facility would not let us use the bus. They feared that someone would get lost, residents might fall and injure themselves and they wouldn't remember it anyways. I was so angry. I contacted a local funeral parlour and they agreed to take 8 residents in their limousine. We signed a contract and the residents were able to take a sculpting class, a painting class, a drawing class and a photography class. Once we had attended these workshops, my contract with that company ended. I had made my point, they deserved to get out and enjoy life too.
If your loved one has been diagnosed with dementia, the best thing you can do is spend time with them, talk to them even if they don't respond, list all the things they once loved and plan something fun each time you see them: watch an old movie, listen to music, go for a walk, plant some herbs, eat a yummy treat, hold hands, share photographs, read poetry or a book they might like to your loved one, bring grandchildren and pets, carry on traditions, don't exclude them. What they taught me is no matter what they are saying or doing, they see you, they hear you and all they want is for you to hear and see them and, of course, love them.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I was driving around today, wondering what to write about. An idea popped into my mind. My last field placement, as I completed the two-year graduate art therapy program, was on a locked dementia unit. I had worked with children, I enjoyed leading group sessions at Women's College Hospital with outpatients and I thought I would bring art therapy to older adults.
I spent time in two different long term care facilities. In one facility, I travelled with an art cart from the floor for active older adults, to the "low mobility" unit, doing art in their rooms. I also offered a few group sessions on the dementia unit's activity room. In the second facility, I mostly spent time going to resident's rooms on the dementia unit.
I wish someone had filmed my first month with patients diagnosed with dementia. I really wanted to connect with them, enrich their lives, bring some joy to the unit itself. However, I knew nothing about working with this population and they frightened me. I quickly learned never to lean over in front of a seemingly frail, confused man. Some instincts are alive and well and my back end was grabbed more times than I can count. Ditto for leaning forward while feeding a resident in a geriatric chair. The residents were all seated in a main area and some were non-verbal, others were too confused and couldn't tell me their name. I would introduce myself and ask their name. No response. I would look at the name on the door closest to where they were sitting. "Are you Mrs Boucher?" They would nod. The nurse who happened to walk by would inform me that Mrs Boucher was at bingo, this was Mrs Finnigan. The resident would respond with indifference, "What she said". I had to learn their names so I could document who I had visited. I made a note next to each name to recognize them next time as well as some warnings such as, bites, spits, yells, grabs etc. so I could keep myself safe.
I doubted my sanity for thinking I could do art therapy with this population. I am ashamed to admit that I pre-judged them. The first thing that caught my attention was the reaction of residents when I came to work. I had only been there a week or so when I walked onto the unit and headed for the nurse's station. I heard people getting up from the glider chairs and walkers being clinked together and wheels gliding on the carpet. The residents who normally sat in the main entrance, bored, an empty look in their eyes were walking over to me. They were asking me: "What are we doing today?" or "Were you looking for me?". Even the non-verbal lady came over, smiling and rubbed my back, waiting. I was moved by this response because it proved that they have an emotional memory. They may not remember my name, most of them called me "Hey, girl" but they recognized my face and remembered that they liked me, or at least, liked what they did with me. The residents have a very different response to staff who show up to bathe them. They hate baths.
I loved working with this population, once I learned how to communicate with them. They lose their inhibitions so you are less likely to hear them say: "Oh no, I'm not an artist". They have a great sense of humour and are very spontaneous. They love to be with other people and many of them crave colour. They love to party, to dance, sing and create. I took photos of them enjoying their life and posted them at the door to the dining room. That way, they had something to look at while they waited to get into the dining room and their loved ones could see these photos as well. They don't remember the fun they had but when they see themselves, they are excited, "Hey that's me" they'll say and laugh.
I engaged families to help us connect with their loved one. They shared loved stories about their parents for Valentine's Day. I posted each story next to the resident's door along with a photograph of them as a younger adult. This served as a reminder to anyone who entered the room that this person wasn't always this way. They were each individuals with a story, worthy of dignity. For non-verbal residents in geriatric chairs, creating placemats of photos with subtitles for their table-top provided a glimpse for staff into the resident's life, values, traditions. Instead of walking past them, they might stop and read the information and comment on what a lovely family they have. It also helped the residents feel less isolated because they could see photos of their loved ones.
I discovered a creative streak in one of the residents I visited weekly. She became non-verbal and I wondered if she was still interested in participating in our sessions. I used collage with her. She had been telling me about her life, she had suffered a great deal. As her language skills diminished, I brought magazines and clipped out images she could choose. I would then place them on piece of paper and ask her to move them to where she wanted them. Once they were all organized, I would glue them and she would paint colours around them, giving them a background. One day, she picked out a deer. She wrote: "Poor Dear" and filled the background with blue. The paint was dripping, it looked like tears. It was absolutely appropriate considering all she had been through. I know there was meaning to her art, it wasn't just a coincidence.
When I was hired to continue my work on this unit, I quickly became an advocate for my 40 residents. I was determined to take them to the art gallery for art workshops. I had volunteers and the art gallery was willing to work with my group but the facility would not let us use the bus. They feared that someone would get lost, residents might fall and injure themselves and they wouldn't remember it anyways. I was so angry. I contacted a local funeral parlour and they agreed to take 8 residents in their limousine. We signed a contract and the residents were able to take a sculpting class, a painting class, a drawing class and a photography class. Once we had attended these workshops, my contract with that company ended. I had made my point, they deserved to get out and enjoy life too.
If your loved one has been diagnosed with dementia, the best thing you can do is spend time with them, talk to them even if they don't respond, list all the things they once loved and plan something fun each time you see them: watch an old movie, listen to music, go for a walk, plant some herbs, eat a yummy treat, hold hands, share photographs, read poetry or a book they might like to your loved one, bring grandchildren and pets, carry on traditions, don't exclude them. What they taught me is no matter what they are saying or doing, they see you, they hear you and all they want is for you to hear and see them and, of course, love them.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 5 January 2016
Mental Health-PTSD
January 5th, 2016
When I was a psychology major at Ottawa University, I recall one teacher mentioning PTSD. It was not covered in depth nor was it described in detail. What stayed with me was the image of a WW1 or WW2 veteran who hears a shotgun and is transported through hallucinations to the battlefield. It scared me and I was grateful that I would never work with that clientele.
Fast forward to my work as an art therapist. I seem to attract clients who have survived trauma. That is because people who have experienced trauma, especially if they were children at the time, have no words to speak about their experience. Unless a therapist is trauma-informed, which I am, they may encourage the client to relive the trauma by describing it in detail, re-traumatizing them.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder doesn't just affect veterans. Anyone who is exposed to a traumatic incident, whether it happens to them or they witness it happening to someone they love, is at risk. This includes the military, victims and witnesses of domestic violence, people who survived natural disasters, individuals who have been in an accident, who were diagnosed with a terminal illness, lived in unsafe conditions, were mugged, raped or had their house vandalized, just to name a few. They usually perceive that their life or safety is in danger and feel powerless to influence the outcome of their situation.
People diagnosed with ptsd relive the traumatic experience through recurring thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. They may avoid people or situations associated with their experience. This has an impact on their daily life, on their level of social involvement with family and friends as well as on their ability to work.
Another symptom is withdrawal or numbing. In order to protect themselves, they have become cut off from their body and emotions. This inability to feel connected to others causes conflict with family, friends and co-workers. If they pressure their loved one to participate in activities or confront them on their apathy, demanding a response or an explanation, chances are the only emotion that will result is anger. It is very common for alcohol or drugs to be used to further numb away the pain and, perhaps, avoid the nightmares that are depriving them of sleep.
A third symptom is hyper vigilance which means the person exists on a day-to-day basis in a state of emergency. This means they are anxious, startle easily, overreact to situations, feel the need to rush and have a hard time relaxing. When they are overwhelmed, they have a tendency to lash out at their loved ones. They then feel terrible, withdraw, perhaps drink and sink into a depressive state. It is a vicious cycle.
I furthered my training three years ago to become a trauma-infirmed art therapist. I have since worked with people diagnosed with ptsd, supported spouses of individuals diagnosed with ptsd and have facilitated workshops to help couples and entire families communicate about this diagnosis.
This is what I see:
I will describe the man as having ptsd in this example because that is the majority of the cases I have worked with so far. A man and woman are in love. Something happens that creates a traumatic response in the man. The woman has not lived through this experience but she does her best to be supportive. The man feels different, he is frightened. He drinks. The woman tries to connect. Her man acts like she is not there. He watches violent programs on tv for days at a time. He may read his paper at breakfast, watch tv while they dine in a restaurant, turn down invitations to go out with friends or visit with family. He loses his patience with the children. They are too loud, too demanding, too hyper. He says hurtful words. The woman confronts him. He releases a disproportionate amount of rage at her, his words are hurtful. He is cold and the woman wonders what the future holds for them. He doesn't seem interested in her sexually. She is
hurt and feels isolated. She starts to feel angry and wonders if they will survive as a couple.
If you recognize your relationship, here are some tips:
1-Read as much as you can about this diagnosis, information is power.
2-Join a support group and encourage him to do the same, you can learn from others.
3-Have a safety plan. If he is angry and needs space to calm down, write down a list of people you can call and places you can go.
4-Work together to identify triggers so you are both aware of them.
5-Take very good care of yourself so you don't burn out.
6-Present community resources to your partner and offer to take him there, timing is essential here.
7-Communicate with your partner when it is safe to do so, remind him that you are on the same side and he is not alone.
8-Explore all treatment options, you never know what will work best for your loved one.
I hope these tips are helpful to you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul@ripnet.com
When I was a psychology major at Ottawa University, I recall one teacher mentioning PTSD. It was not covered in depth nor was it described in detail. What stayed with me was the image of a WW1 or WW2 veteran who hears a shotgun and is transported through hallucinations to the battlefield. It scared me and I was grateful that I would never work with that clientele.
Fast forward to my work as an art therapist. I seem to attract clients who have survived trauma. That is because people who have experienced trauma, especially if they were children at the time, have no words to speak about their experience. Unless a therapist is trauma-informed, which I am, they may encourage the client to relive the trauma by describing it in detail, re-traumatizing them.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder doesn't just affect veterans. Anyone who is exposed to a traumatic incident, whether it happens to them or they witness it happening to someone they love, is at risk. This includes the military, victims and witnesses of domestic violence, people who survived natural disasters, individuals who have been in an accident, who were diagnosed with a terminal illness, lived in unsafe conditions, were mugged, raped or had their house vandalized, just to name a few. They usually perceive that their life or safety is in danger and feel powerless to influence the outcome of their situation.
People diagnosed with ptsd relive the traumatic experience through recurring thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. They may avoid people or situations associated with their experience. This has an impact on their daily life, on their level of social involvement with family and friends as well as on their ability to work.
Another symptom is withdrawal or numbing. In order to protect themselves, they have become cut off from their body and emotions. This inability to feel connected to others causes conflict with family, friends and co-workers. If they pressure their loved one to participate in activities or confront them on their apathy, demanding a response or an explanation, chances are the only emotion that will result is anger. It is very common for alcohol or drugs to be used to further numb away the pain and, perhaps, avoid the nightmares that are depriving them of sleep.
A third symptom is hyper vigilance which means the person exists on a day-to-day basis in a state of emergency. This means they are anxious, startle easily, overreact to situations, feel the need to rush and have a hard time relaxing. When they are overwhelmed, they have a tendency to lash out at their loved ones. They then feel terrible, withdraw, perhaps drink and sink into a depressive state. It is a vicious cycle.
I furthered my training three years ago to become a trauma-infirmed art therapist. I have since worked with people diagnosed with ptsd, supported spouses of individuals diagnosed with ptsd and have facilitated workshops to help couples and entire families communicate about this diagnosis.
This is what I see:
I will describe the man as having ptsd in this example because that is the majority of the cases I have worked with so far. A man and woman are in love. Something happens that creates a traumatic response in the man. The woman has not lived through this experience but she does her best to be supportive. The man feels different, he is frightened. He drinks. The woman tries to connect. Her man acts like she is not there. He watches violent programs on tv for days at a time. He may read his paper at breakfast, watch tv while they dine in a restaurant, turn down invitations to go out with friends or visit with family. He loses his patience with the children. They are too loud, too demanding, too hyper. He says hurtful words. The woman confronts him. He releases a disproportionate amount of rage at her, his words are hurtful. He is cold and the woman wonders what the future holds for them. He doesn't seem interested in her sexually. She is
hurt and feels isolated. She starts to feel angry and wonders if they will survive as a couple.
If you recognize your relationship, here are some tips:
1-Read as much as you can about this diagnosis, information is power.
2-Join a support group and encourage him to do the same, you can learn from others.
3-Have a safety plan. If he is angry and needs space to calm down, write down a list of people you can call and places you can go.
4-Work together to identify triggers so you are both aware of them.
5-Take very good care of yourself so you don't burn out.
6-Present community resources to your partner and offer to take him there, timing is essential here.
7-Communicate with your partner when it is safe to do so, remind him that you are on the same side and he is not alone.
8-Explore all treatment options, you never know what will work best for your loved one.
I hope these tips are helpful to you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul@ripnet.com
Sunday, 3 January 2016
Creative Journaling
January 3rd, 2016
Writing is so therapeutic. You don't need to be an artist to get creative. I write in my journal every day, it is my preferred method of self-care. I get my journals from The Dollar Store, cheap as chips. Every day, I start with the date and time then write whatever comes to mind. I add a list of ten things I am grateful for and why before I close my journal and start my day. Don't know how to get started? Here are some tips:
1-Get a cheap journal from the dollare store and, if you can afford it, buy yourself a special pen.
2-Find your best time of the day. Some of us get up and our minds are buzzing with creative ideas. For others, the best time is at night once everyone else is in bed. Go with your preference.
3-Pick a spot. Is there a cozy chair, a private walk-in closet or a particularly sunny room where you can sit and write undisturbed?
4- Set up a ritual. Just like remembering to take your meds (if you do, in fact, take meds), it is easier to stay with your writing if you have a specific ritual. I read while I'm on my treadmill, I pick out my clothing, grab my journal and head for the shower room. I lock the door and sit on a shaggy carpet next to the tub we never use. That is where I journal. I get in the shower and the ideas play around in my head, leading to insight, as I wash.
5-Don't worry about content, length, quality, grammar. This is for your eyes only. Just start and see where it takes you.
6-If you are struggling with what to write about, draw a circle, divide it into sections like slices of a pie. List the different categories of your life, one topic per slice. Examples might be health, family, career, friends, personal growth, spirituality etc... Write a goal for each section. What would be your ideal for that category? Then, each day, you can write about one of the categories, describing what you or your life would be like if you achieved your goal and what steps you can take to get there.
You can also write about your feelings. If you are happy, writing can help you savor this moment and return to read about it when life gets more challenging. If you are sad, expressing how you feel and why can help you gain insight into other factors that are contributing to your mood that may have otherwise gone unnoticed. If you are angry, venting can help you calm down and formulate your thoughts in order to communicate more effectively with loved ones.
Gratitude is another trendy topic. I recently saw a post on Facebook where someone created a mandala by writing everything s/he was grateful for in a circular fashion, like a spiral. It was uplifting and beautiful.
If you have observed a disturbing pattern in your behavior, create a comic strip in your journal. Trace out eight squares. Think about the pattern in a step by step fashion. What is happening before the pattern is triggered? How do you behave when you are triggered? What are the consequences of this behavior? How do you respond to these consequences? You can draw or describe each step in the squares. Once the pattern is visually displayed, think about what would happen if you moved the steps around or if you reacted in an opposite way or removed a step altogether. This exercise sounds simple but it can be enlightening.
If you are more visual, you can create a visual journal. Draw in your journal, create a collage with words or images cut out of magazines or newspapers. I recommend glue sticks rather than white glue because a glue stick won't make the pages wet, sticky and lumpy and, it dries faster. You can also incorporate pieces of fabric in your art. One technique I learned at an art therapy conference uses colorful, patterned napkins. Let's say there is a scene of a table in a beautiful garden. You cut out the image you like and place it in your journal. You then brush some diluted white glue over the image to fasten it to the page. You will need to keep your journal open until it's dry but you can create some really impressive scenes this way.
I hope this post has inspired you to try journaling. Happy writing!
Anne
Writing is so therapeutic. You don't need to be an artist to get creative. I write in my journal every day, it is my preferred method of self-care. I get my journals from The Dollar Store, cheap as chips. Every day, I start with the date and time then write whatever comes to mind. I add a list of ten things I am grateful for and why before I close my journal and start my day. Don't know how to get started? Here are some tips:
1-Get a cheap journal from the dollare store and, if you can afford it, buy yourself a special pen.
2-Find your best time of the day. Some of us get up and our minds are buzzing with creative ideas. For others, the best time is at night once everyone else is in bed. Go with your preference.
3-Pick a spot. Is there a cozy chair, a private walk-in closet or a particularly sunny room where you can sit and write undisturbed?
4- Set up a ritual. Just like remembering to take your meds (if you do, in fact, take meds), it is easier to stay with your writing if you have a specific ritual. I read while I'm on my treadmill, I pick out my clothing, grab my journal and head for the shower room. I lock the door and sit on a shaggy carpet next to the tub we never use. That is where I journal. I get in the shower and the ideas play around in my head, leading to insight, as I wash.
5-Don't worry about content, length, quality, grammar. This is for your eyes only. Just start and see where it takes you.
6-If you are struggling with what to write about, draw a circle, divide it into sections like slices of a pie. List the different categories of your life, one topic per slice. Examples might be health, family, career, friends, personal growth, spirituality etc... Write a goal for each section. What would be your ideal for that category? Then, each day, you can write about one of the categories, describing what you or your life would be like if you achieved your goal and what steps you can take to get there.
You can also write about your feelings. If you are happy, writing can help you savor this moment and return to read about it when life gets more challenging. If you are sad, expressing how you feel and why can help you gain insight into other factors that are contributing to your mood that may have otherwise gone unnoticed. If you are angry, venting can help you calm down and formulate your thoughts in order to communicate more effectively with loved ones.
Gratitude is another trendy topic. I recently saw a post on Facebook where someone created a mandala by writing everything s/he was grateful for in a circular fashion, like a spiral. It was uplifting and beautiful.
If you have observed a disturbing pattern in your behavior, create a comic strip in your journal. Trace out eight squares. Think about the pattern in a step by step fashion. What is happening before the pattern is triggered? How do you behave when you are triggered? What are the consequences of this behavior? How do you respond to these consequences? You can draw or describe each step in the squares. Once the pattern is visually displayed, think about what would happen if you moved the steps around or if you reacted in an opposite way or removed a step altogether. This exercise sounds simple but it can be enlightening.
If you are more visual, you can create a visual journal. Draw in your journal, create a collage with words or images cut out of magazines or newspapers. I recommend glue sticks rather than white glue because a glue stick won't make the pages wet, sticky and lumpy and, it dries faster. You can also incorporate pieces of fabric in your art. One technique I learned at an art therapy conference uses colorful, patterned napkins. Let's say there is a scene of a table in a beautiful garden. You cut out the image you like and place it in your journal. You then brush some diluted white glue over the image to fasten it to the page. You will need to keep your journal open until it's dry but you can create some really impressive scenes this way.
I hope this post has inspired you to try journaling. Happy writing!
Anne
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)