Stories We Tell

June 14th, 2016

Last night, I rented out a movie from the North Grenville Library. My friend Chris recommended it. The girls were at gymnastics with my husband so I had the whole house to myself. I prepared a lovely bath and settled in to watch this documentary.

Sarah Polley, the film director, interviews her family members. They are all reminiscing about Sarah's mother. The two older sons, from her mother's first marriage, give her a less-than-flattering review about their mother. Later, we witness the pain behind the anger of each son. They were raised by their father when their mother left them to pursue a love life with another man. There is a hint that their father was not a safe person when one of the boys states: "Surely she must have realized that leaving us meant she could no longer protect us".

Sarah's sisters came from the mother's union with her second husband. He was an actor. She fell in love with the character he was playing and, therefore, was disappointed when he turned out to be less exciting than she had imagined. They married and had children together but she was thirsty for  life and exhausted this man who preferred to be left alone. He did not provide the attention and romance she so longed for. When an opportunity came up to go to Montreal to be in a play, she jumped at the chance. Her husband encouraged her to go to Montreal, desperate for some respite.

Sarah's mom met her father while acting in Montreal. They had a passionate affair and Sarah was conceived. When Sarah's mother passed away, it was her father who raised her. They were alone in the house and became very close. There were rumours that Sarah's father was not the man she loved but another man who lived in Montreal. She went about finding out who he was. When she did find her biological father, he told her about his affair with her mother. They developed their relationship and Sarah told the family about him but she did not tell her father. She feared that it would break his heart.

When a reporter discovered that Sarah's father was not her biological father, he decided to write about it and this forced Sarah to tell her father the secret about his paternity. This revelation brought them even closer. This is such an interesting documentary because it is really the story of one woman, Sarah's mother as told by different individuals who each loved her in their own way.

Each family has a story that they agree on, they fan the flames of this story because it binds them together. In private, in their own families, with their partners and children, they elaborate on this story, focusing on the elements that portray them in a certain way. They may see themselves as the peacemaker, the black sheep, the voice of truth, the one who broke the cycle, the caregiver etc.

If you could be a fly on the wall in the home of each family member, you could hear each interpretation of their family of origin. There would be a variety of alliances among family members who share common recollections. In families with multiple siblings, there is usually one person who sees one or both parents differently. This can cause conflicts and alienation within the family. All of this is heightened when a loved one dies.

In order to explore how this plays out in your own family, start by listing the names of family members in a circle from eldest to youngest (including parents), in a clockwise direction. Under each family name, write one sentence that would sum up their view of the family. If you're not sure, ask them to sum it up for you using five words or less. Then create lines between family members who have a strong alliance. One family member might have multiple alliances. Then draw jagged or pointy lines between family members who do not speak to each other, fight a lot or generally don't get along. Use a triangle to show triangulations among family members (when family members join forces against another family member).

Where are you in this system? How did your alliances and coalitions take place? What is the source of your conflict with other family members? How are these dynamics played out in other areas of your life? What is the story you tell yourself in order to make sense of it all and preserve your sense of self? This is a fascinating exercise and it forces you to accept, if only for a moment, that there may be more to other family members than what you see and, that your story is not the only one-the right one. There are many interpretations, each with a grain of truth. Happy digging!

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org