Sexy and Seven?

June 20th, 2016

Yesterday, I took my youngest out with me to buy a Subway sandwich for tomorrow's school lunch. I try to offer something different every day of the week and she loves Subway's turkey subs. She had been swimming with her sister and friend earlier in the day so she was wearing her one piece swimsuit with capri shorts over top. As I stood at the far end of the counter, waiting for my turn to order her food, she walked over to the area closer to the cash to decide whether she would have a raisin oatmeal cookie or garden tomato flavoured Sun chips. So far, pretty typical activity, right?

Imagine my surprise when I looked over at her and spotted a table of teenagers. There were three or four teenagers sitting at the end of a group of tables closer to my daughter. Their parents were sitting at the opposite end of these tables, closer to the window, talking amongst themselves, oblivious to their sons. These boys were turning in their seats to look at my daughter, they were giggling and holding up their phones. It looked like they were filming her but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

I thought, this isn't possible. She is seven years old, why would they be filming her? However, the giggling and the looks on their faces led me to believe that they were seeing my seven year old daughter like a potential sexual object. I tried to be rational. They are with their parents, they are probably laughing at something on their computers, something they are looking at that is already filmed and they happened to look at my youngest for some other reason. I did not want to burden my daughter who perceives herself as a child, and rightfully so, by reacting to these boys, accusing them of what I felt was inappropriate behaviour. Where is my proof? I did not want to go over and talk to them because I felt very angry and I worried that if they were doing what I thought and responded with a whatever attitude I might end up doing something I would regret. I walked over to my daughter and blocked their view. She did not notice any of this. I paid for the food and left.

It has bothered me ever since. When you just get a gut feeling and you are having a strong emotional reaction, it is difficult to know how to respond. It could all be a misunderstanding but what if it isn't? How do you approach this in a calm manner?  "Excuse me, are you filming my seven year old daughter? Are you saying and thinking sexual thoughts about a seven year old? Can I see what is on your phones? Can you stay here while I call the police and have you arrested?" It was all so surreal.

I have given it a great deal of thought.

On the weekend, we went over to a friend's house for a BBQ. They have a daughter who is in my eldest daughter's class and they have a son who is a teenager. The kids were playing outside, having a great time. They were planning to have a sleepover. My youngest was excited to have a sleepover at their house and asked me when we were leaving because she wanted to feel grown up. The son's friend showed up for a sleepover as well. Suddenly, the dynamics changed. My daughters, their friend and her brother had been playing together before, jumping on the trampoline, running through the sprinklers and goofing around.

Now, they all went inside. We were outside eating. The kids were having too much fun to stop and eat just yet. Next thing I know, my daughters are coming to see me, asking me to help their friend. Her brother and his friend are taking stuff from her room, where the girls were playing, running away to hide her stuff and then wrestling with her. I asked if they were play fighting. My daughters said they weren't, they were hurting her, she was saying ouch and stop. I stood up to go in and investigate. Their friend came out and was putting on a brave face. She is 9 years old. She said: "Sorry about that, boys will be boys". I could tell she was upset despite her forced smile. I asked her if she'd like to sleep over at our house instead. I knew my girls no longer felt safe enough to stay there. They were upset by what had just happened. The girls packed her bag and we left shortly after. I did talk to the other parents about what had happened. They seemed to agree with the little girl's statement: "Oh well, boys will be boys".

Both of these experiences happened in one weekend. It makes me nervous. I have two confident, beautiful, smart, creative and sweet girls. The thought that they could be intimidated and made to feel unsafe by a few guys who just think it's funny to scare or hurt them is alarming to me. I worry about them in situations where a bunch of guys are looking at them and treating them like sexual objects. As women, we learn how to deal with this but I still wish we didn't have to. I still hope that, at some point, boys will be raised to see girls as people not just objects to be conquered. I'd love to see boys who respect girls and treat them well. These experiences have made me aware that we have not reached that point in time. I fear for my daughters. They have no idea.

I don't know what I can do as a woman without a son. This would make for such a great documentary, recording the changes in the perception of boys and girls as they move from ages 7-19 regarding the value of the opposite gender, how to interact with them and what is appropriate behaviour/language. I'm sure it would be an eye opener.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org