A Sex Pill for Women or Foreplay?

December 2nd, 2016

I have been rummaging through magazines to find an article I read last week. We get these free magazines and, for whatever reason, I can't seem to find this article. The topic of the article was a new pill for women. It was compared to viagra for men. Instead of promising erections, this pill attempted to increase libido in women. Apparently, lots of women don't want to have sex. However, if we consider the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, I would think it's more about having good sex.

I read the statistics regarding the effectiveness of this drug. Not only did it not work on just less than 50% of the women but it wasn't a pill you pop on the day itself, you have to take it daily. Really? You take a pill every day so that on a given day you may feel like having sex with your partner?

Women's libido is connected to their associations with sexuality. Are they anticipating satisfaction or disappointment? Are they expecting to receive or only give? Does their partner desire them? Do they feel excited by their partner? Do they enjoy an intimate relationship? Will they take their time or rush through it in order to watch their favourite show?

Why don't we check out the cause of women's lack of libido? If you never feel in the mood, there could be an underlying physical cause such as a change in hormones, vaginal dryness or fatigue. However, if you fantasize about sex with other men, chances are you just need to work on igniting the passion in your relationship. How do you do that?

1-Are you pissed off or feeling neglected? Talk about it. Get it out in the open. Once the issue is resolved, you can partake in make-up sex.

2-Do you know what turns you on? If you haven't found your sweet spots and you avoid looking at or exploring your anatomy below the belt, a tour is long overdue. Use a mirror to look at your genitals. Experiment with different touches and see what turns you on. Are you clitoral or vaginal? Get yourself some toys if you'd like. Once you know what sets you off, you can share this information with your partner.

3-Stimulate your imagination. Sometimes, people get bored with each other. Have sex in different locations, at unusual times, role-play, pretend it's your first time, dress-up, read erotic poetry to each other or tell each other what you are about to do tin order o create anticipation. If you like food, include it in your ritual.

I firmly believe that most women don't need a pill to increase their libido. They need to be seduced, desired and followed by foreplay. Taking a pill to desire an act that is not enjoyable doesn't increase libido, just frustration.


Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

The Booming Sex Toy Industry

November 8th, 2016

So there I was, standing with my basket full of groceries at the checkout, wondering what to write about today. The US election? Nah! The amazing interviews I am having with a variety of truly heroic moms? Keep it for the book. I got to my car and was driving home, the sun shining on this beautiful day. Then it hit me. I am going to write about sex toys. Gone are the days of women lying still, missionary style, waiting for their husbands to finish. I was certain that there was an article out there proving what I know to be true, women are more openly sexual than ever and are looking for ways to add spice to their life.

Bingo! I did a google search and found an article in Forbes magazine about the explosion of this industry (http://www.forbes.com/sites/janetwburns/2016/07/15/adult-expo-founders-talk-15b-sex-toy-industry-after-20-years-in-the-fray/#162991e638a1). Apparently, sex toys used to be sold to men in addition to their videos in adult novelty shops. Thanks to Sex and the City and Fifty Shades of Grey, women are more bold in expressing their desire for additional stimulation and novelty.

Some of the innovations in this field include pretty packaging that appeals to women, as well as pink and purple coloured toys, waterproof products to help with cleaning and usage at bath time, better textures so it feels like real skin and, access to a huge inventory via the internet. Using social media has helped this industry reach people they couldn't market to through traditional advertising. Technology helps women charge their equipment with a USB cable and empowers women with a stronger motor and more choices as far as the sensations they want; vibrate, pulse, tap etc.

In this article, they look toward the future and suggest that we might be able to purchase products with a memory which means it will do what you want in whatever sequence you'd like and remember these preferences for future use. There was also talk of remote control technology so you can stimulate your partner from a distance.Vin and I had a good laugh about this one, speculating the many ways we could use this to torture each other (in a positive way).

Not only is this a growing industry, "it stands as a $15 billion market segment, with projections that it will surpass $50 billion by 2020” but it also a generous industry donating millions to charities such as CalExotic's partnership "with the nonprofit organization Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC) to create Inspire. Inspire is a collection of female-centric products whose sales benefit LBBC."

I have heard of sex toy parties and when I googled this I found that there are many companies offering this service. I was never invited to any of these parties but I imagined candid conversations, bottles of wine and giggling. I am glad that I live at a time where women can be empowered to express their healthy sexuality with a partner or on their own. It's about time!

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Sexy and Seven?

June 20th, 2016

Yesterday, I took my youngest out with me to buy a Subway sandwich for tomorrow's school lunch. I try to offer something different every day of the week and she loves Subway's turkey subs. She had been swimming with her sister and friend earlier in the day so she was wearing her one piece swimsuit with capri shorts over top. As I stood at the far end of the counter, waiting for my turn to order her food, she walked over to the area closer to the cash to decide whether she would have a raisin oatmeal cookie or garden tomato flavoured Sun chips. So far, pretty typical activity, right?

Imagine my surprise when I looked over at her and spotted a table of teenagers. There were three or four teenagers sitting at the end of a group of tables closer to my daughter. Their parents were sitting at the opposite end of these tables, closer to the window, talking amongst themselves, oblivious to their sons. These boys were turning in their seats to look at my daughter, they were giggling and holding up their phones. It looked like they were filming her but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

I thought, this isn't possible. She is seven years old, why would they be filming her? However, the giggling and the looks on their faces led me to believe that they were seeing my seven year old daughter like a potential sexual object. I tried to be rational. They are with their parents, they are probably laughing at something on their computers, something they are looking at that is already filmed and they happened to look at my youngest for some other reason. I did not want to burden my daughter who perceives herself as a child, and rightfully so, by reacting to these boys, accusing them of what I felt was inappropriate behaviour. Where is my proof? I did not want to go over and talk to them because I felt very angry and I worried that if they were doing what I thought and responded with a whatever attitude I might end up doing something I would regret. I walked over to my daughter and blocked their view. She did not notice any of this. I paid for the food and left.

It has bothered me ever since. When you just get a gut feeling and you are having a strong emotional reaction, it is difficult to know how to respond. It could all be a misunderstanding but what if it isn't? How do you approach this in a calm manner?  "Excuse me, are you filming my seven year old daughter? Are you saying and thinking sexual thoughts about a seven year old? Can I see what is on your phones? Can you stay here while I call the police and have you arrested?" It was all so surreal.

I have given it a great deal of thought.

On the weekend, we went over to a friend's house for a BBQ. They have a daughter who is in my eldest daughter's class and they have a son who is a teenager. The kids were playing outside, having a great time. They were planning to have a sleepover. My youngest was excited to have a sleepover at their house and asked me when we were leaving because she wanted to feel grown up. The son's friend showed up for a sleepover as well. Suddenly, the dynamics changed. My daughters, their friend and her brother had been playing together before, jumping on the trampoline, running through the sprinklers and goofing around.

Now, they all went inside. We were outside eating. The kids were having too much fun to stop and eat just yet. Next thing I know, my daughters are coming to see me, asking me to help their friend. Her brother and his friend are taking stuff from her room, where the girls were playing, running away to hide her stuff and then wrestling with her. I asked if they were play fighting. My daughters said they weren't, they were hurting her, she was saying ouch and stop. I stood up to go in and investigate. Their friend came out and was putting on a brave face. She is 9 years old. She said: "Sorry about that, boys will be boys". I could tell she was upset despite her forced smile. I asked her if she'd like to sleep over at our house instead. I knew my girls no longer felt safe enough to stay there. They were upset by what had just happened. The girls packed her bag and we left shortly after. I did talk to the other parents about what had happened. They seemed to agree with the little girl's statement: "Oh well, boys will be boys".

Both of these experiences happened in one weekend. It makes me nervous. I have two confident, beautiful, smart, creative and sweet girls. The thought that they could be intimidated and made to feel unsafe by a few guys who just think it's funny to scare or hurt them is alarming to me. I worry about them in situations where a bunch of guys are looking at them and treating them like sexual objects. As women, we learn how to deal with this but I still wish we didn't have to. I still hope that, at some point, boys will be raised to see girls as people not just objects to be conquered. I'd love to see boys who respect girls and treat them well. These experiences have made me aware that we have not reached that point in time. I fear for my daughters. They have no idea.

I don't know what I can do as a woman without a son. This would make for such a great documentary, recording the changes in the perception of boys and girls as they move from ages 7-19 regarding the value of the opposite gender, how to interact with them and what is appropriate behaviour/language. I'm sure it would be an eye opener.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Sex is like Wine: It gets better with age

March 8th, 2016

When I was teaching a course called, Recreation for Older Adults, I spent some time going over misconceptions about older adults. Young college students believed older adults are not sexual. They are kindly old people who tell stories and bake apple pies. We discussed these misconceptions to get our facts straight and, by the end of that first class, students were looking at their elders in a whole different way.

If you have worked with older adults, chances are you learned very quickly that their sex drive is NOT dead. In my first week working in long term care, I had my bottom pinched and slapped, male residents gave me compliments and asked me if I was married, they joked about the kinds of services they wanted and, they stared at my breasts while I fed them at lunch time. The ladies on my unit would fight over any new male resident. They would buy sweets at the coffee shop for him, they wore their best outfits and, I noticed the lipstick and blush making a sudden appearance. The ladies would head over to the male resident early to chat with him before the others had a chance. It was game on!

The data supports my statement that sex gets better with age. When you are young, you are still learning the basics about how your bits work. You are experimenting which is exciting but your partner is experimenting too so there's some hits and misses. If you are like most young women, you are focused on how you look: Does this thong make my butt look big? You are also wondering if the guy you are with likes you a little or a lot, as much as you want him to like you. During sex, you may be so precoccupied with making him feel good that you forget about your own needs. In movies, you see women who cum on command. The guy pulls down her undies and he's in. She instantly moans and has a mind-blowing orgasm. Really?

As you age, you have more knowledge about your body. You know what sets you off and you can guide your partner or do it yourself. Once you've reached menopause or you've had your tubes tied or your husband has had a vasectomy, you can enjoy sex without worrying about getting pregnant. When you are in a long term relationship, you feel connected to your partner, you trust and love each other, this adds intimacy to your sexual encounters. There is a peak in libido for women in midlife which means your husband will get more than he bargained for but I don't think he'll complain. Also, it takes longer for men to get hard and they can last longer. We've all experienced sex with a young adult who is so excited to be having sex that he ejaculates right out of the gate. Bummer! Older men can give you more bang for your buck which means you are not rushing to cum before he does.

Having sex is very healthy. Your blood is flowing through your body, including your all-important brain, your muscles get a workout and your heart is pumping hard. Your vagina also stays lubricated and flexible for future use if it is getting some action on a regular basis. You feel alive, vibrant and sexy into old age while maintaining a level of intimacy with your partner (instead of becoming Ernie and Bert). So we all need to stop treating older adults like they have no sex life. Media should portray the elderly in a more realistic light and we need to be living according to our own needs, not trying to live up to some external expectation: cut your hair, wear modest clothing and sensible shoes etc.. Boring!!!

I love meeting women who are older, vibrant, healthy, active and enjoying their life. That's the way I plan to age. What about you?

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Louise Bourgeois-Art at ANY age

February 24th, 2016

When I was completing my art portfolio at the Ottawa School of Art, I received an assignment in my Art History class. Students had to pick an artist from a list of names, research this artist and present him or her to the class. I chose an obscure name, not Matisse or Picasso but Louise Bourgeois. I was surrounded by gifted artists and I was just passing through but I thought I could do a really good job at researching and presenting this artist.

I wasted no time reading up on Mrs Bourgeois and she rocked my world. I watched videos of this little old lady sculpting out of marble and metal. This tiny, frail elderly woman was fighting censors who objected to sexual imagery. She produced art to advocate for the rights of gay and lesbian individuals to marry. She also created art to support awareness and advocacy for ACT UP, an AIDS activist organization.

Louise Bourgeois was inspired to create art that examined sexuality, gender roles as well as the duality of vulnerability and control. She used her art to process early childhood trauma, mainly her awareness that her father was cheating on her ill mother with Louise's English tutor. Her father was domineering, making everyone else feel small and insignificant, including Louise. She explored her mother's vulnerability as well as her strength through projects like Femme Maison and Maman.

Femme Maison is a series of drawings, painting and sculptures of women's bodies either standing sideways or facing the viewer, sometimes the legs are straight but they can also be spread, feet touching to form a diamond. The head or sometimes the entire upper half of the body is a house instead of a head. This shows the women's preoccupation with everything domestic while being cut off from the rest of society. The sculpture I saw displayed a woman on her back, on the floor. Her head stuffed into what looks like a dog house.

Her series of spiders made of steel and marble is called Maman. They are an ode to her mother's strength and protective nature. Louise loved her mother. She watched her repair tapestries and saw this ability to fix things, like a spider working on her web, as a strength.

Her feelings about her father were also expressed through her art. Her sculpture, Fillette, is a two foot latex penis complete with head, shaft and testicles. I saw a photo of it hanging from a wire thread through the head, just dangling from the wall. During a photo shoot with Robert Mapplethorpe, she posed with her penis sculpture tucked in under her arm. The title of this phallic sculpture, Fillette, is meant to poke fun at it.

Much of Louise's work has a voyeuristic quality to it. She sculpted eyes out of metal and marble. She created installations called cells where you walked into a scenario that was meant to elicit an emotional response. There were some cells that you didn't walk into, you were just allowed to peer through an opening. In I Do. I Undo. I Redo. people were presented with three towers measuring 9 metres high, surrounded by spiral staircases. Guests were meant to climb up to the platform where they would see a jar with a figure of a mother and her child. The platforms were surrounded by huge mirrors so spectators could watch visitors interact with the art and with one another. In her Destruction of the Father installation, you witness the aftermath of a murder scene. She and a sibling have killed their father, dismembered and eaten him.

Louise was actively creating right up to her death. Her last creations were completed a week prior to her death at 98 years of age. For the last two years of her life, friend and photographer Alex Van Gelder photographed Mrs Bourgeois. In one photo she is wearing a black mask and holding a knife. In another photo she is staring at her aged face in the mirror. She was still showing her work in Museums in 2000 and 2001 in her 80s. This artist has examined many controversial subjects, creating provocative art with a variety of art mediums. She was creating and pushing buttons until her last breath in 2010. A life well lived, a great example for women everywhere, especially those who say they are too old to start creating.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Book of the Week: Girls on the Edge-Part 2

February 18th, 2016

Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.

In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.

In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.

The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Perimenopause

January 24th, 2016

Today, I'd like to explore perimenopause. I am 45 years old and I have noticed changes in my body over the last few years. My friends are in their 40s as well and they are also experiencing changes. The one that is most discussed is the inability to get away with former dietary choices. Our bodies seem to convert everything to fat and deposit it directly onto our midsection.

I grew up hearing about menopause: hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness and mood swings. Perimenopause doesn't really get as much attention and yet I believe this transitional period leading up to menopause is just as important.

In my work with women and through my own personal journey I have noticed a disconnect between women and their bodies. Our bodies change during adolescence as we go through growth spurts and develop as women leading to self-consciousness. Then we find our groove again until we become mothers. Once again, our bodies morph and we discover new lumps, stretch marks, veins, the works! Our body belongs to the baby for some time as it develops in our womb then makes its way out and starts to nurse.

Women do all sorts of things to their bodies in order to appear young and beautiful. The public perception of beauty is fabricated by the media. Add to this the staggering statistics about sexual abuse among women and you can understand how we get lost along the way.

Then comes perimenopause. Our bodies are changing once again. Our cycles are altered and unpredictable. Our hormones stir up our emotions, swinging from anger to sadness. Some women think they are losing their mind. If you happen to have a teenage daughter going through her own hormonal changes simultaneously, the household can become quite chaotic. The changes in libido and vaginal fluids can create tension with your partner as well. Night sweats can keep you up all night while hot flashes may lead to arguments about keeping the window closed or open. I am surprised there isn't more discussion about this topic.

Menopause was always described as this big, crazy change but, it would seem it is perimenopause that wreaks havoc on our system. It lasts until we begin menopause. This means we have not had a period for twelve months. At that point, our hormones stabilize and many women claim they feel more like themselves. My mother has not experienced all the drama described by experts on perimenopause. I think it's because she made many lifestyle changes prior to being menopausal.

Here are some preventive tips which may help make this transition a bit smoother:

1-Get to know your body. Keep a journal and log observations to create a baseline of information. Moods, menstrual cycle, cravings, bloating, pain etc.
2-Reduce or eliminate foods or substances that will increase your symptoms: alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, refined sugar, processed foods.
3-Find a physical activity you enjoy and stick with it: dancing (alone, as a couple in a class), going for walks after supper, swimming or aqua aerobics, cycling, joining a gym, doing yoga etc.
4-Make time for your friends. We often get busy and neglect our friendships. As your body changes, it can be helpful to talk to friends and compare what is happening in each other's lives. You know it's normal and you can provide mutual support. You can also meet with a therapist for additional support.
5-Be informed. Read about perimenopause. Know what to expect, how to prepare and, if need be, consult your doctor or naturopath to discuss options in order to help manage these changes.
6-Educate your partner about how you are feeling and what is happening to your body. Experiment if you need lubrication in order to enjoy your sex life. Communicate with loved ones about your needs or new boundaries.
7-Be patient. Your body is changing but it will eventually stabilize and you will feel like yourself again.
8-Love your body. It has been through so much. Think about what you have put your body through: sleepless nights, skipping meals or overindulging, stress levels, rigorous workouts, childbirth etc. Pledge to treat it well and recognize its awesomeness.
9-You may want to add supplements to support your body through this change: vitamin D, fish oil, a multivitamin, extra calcium (talk to your doctor or naturopath).
10-Take control of this experience. Make decisions that are right for you.

I urge you to discuss these changes with other women. It helps normalize this experience because that is exactly what it is, a normal experience.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org