Book of the Week-Girls On The Edge-Part 1

February 11th, 2016

This week's book is really freaking me out. Leonard Sax has authored two books that caught my attention. Boys Adrift is a book about the phenomenon of "lazy boys" who live in a cocoon of video games. All their needs are met and they feel no desire to go beyond their comfortable bedroom to search for anything else.

Girls On The Edge examines what is happening to our girls. As the mother of two girls, this book has me taking notes. I am really taking my time getting through this book and processing the abundance of information. That's why I write "part 1" in the title of this post. So far, I have read about the challenges faced by our daughters. Next week, I will read about the solutions to these challenges and report back for "part 2".

Dr. Sax makes an interesting point. His main message is that girls these days do not develop a sense of who they are. Usually, as you are exposed to your community which involves children of all ages, men and women, you have experiences that shape your perception of who you are. You also have some quiet time to yourself. These days with the crazy, hectic schedules: school, hockey, swimming, gymnastics, dance etc.. girls do not have a lot of unstructured down time. Also, we are less connected as families and as communities. Chances are you don't know your neighbours and you wouldn't feel safe if your daughter was walking alone in your neighbourhood. Children are in school with other kids the same age so there is little interaction with multiple age groups. Opportunities to connect as a family may be reduced as well as everyone struggles to juggle their schedule.

Girls are more likely to identify with one aspect of themselves, like being smart, thin, popular or athletic. They invest all their energy and attention into this one aspect and neglect the development of a core sense of self. Then, if they don't get into a prestigious college, or they gain weight or their friends turn on them, they are lost. They don't know who they are. They have a hole where their core should be. They try to fill the hole with alcohol but it just makes things messier. They are left with anxiety and/or depression.

The author describes four factors that put our daughters at risk. The first one is sexual identity. Our daughters are sexualized at a young age. They dress like older girls so they look older and in some cases participate in sexual behaviours before they are ready. They don't develop a sexual identity because they are sexualized before they even have the desire to be sexual. They become objectified and seek the attention of boys through acting out sexually. They don't believe they need to be in a relationship to have sex, it is seen as something casual. Therefore, they are performing sexual acts in the absence of a relationship. They even make out with other girls in front of boys for their enjoyment.

The second factor is the "cyberbubble". The trend of posting photos on Facebook and bogging about whatever is happening in their life means that many girls are developing a personae rather than a sense of self. They dress up for parties to look good in the photos. They need to stay current so they know what is hot and what is not. Their experiences become all about self-promotion. They become more of a logo than a person. What is important is to keep people interested and to get the "likes". Again, their actions have more to do with pleasing others than with self-expression or personal satisfaction.While they are honing their PR skills, they are not learning how to interact face to face with another person. Social media leaves very little time for breaks, they are always on and are expected to reply quickly. Teenagers belong to their own culture, excluding others who could balance things out for them. If teenagers are on the computer in the privacy of their room, parents could be oblivious to what is happening to their child. Cyberbullying is a real threat. Bullies have access to your daughter 24/7 and can post things that are untrue and hurtful. Lastly, there is the possibility of sexting, where your teenager sends suggestive photos of herself to a boyfriend. These photos can be shared with others and are considered child pornography. She could be charged if she gets caught.

The third factor is "obsessions". These include the cult of thinness promoted by "pro-anorexic" sites, the athlete who ignores her body's pain signals to maintain her competitive edge, the overachiever whose schedule is so full of commitments she doesn't know how to relax and have fun, the party girl who drinks to get "more personality" and, the cutter who enjoys feeling disconnected from her body, removed from the pain. Many teenagers grow up too fast and try to reclaim their childhood when they have grown up.

The fourth factor is "environmental toxins". Dr. Sax examines the link between BPA and phthalates  and the early onset of puberty. PETE, BPA and phthalates mimic female hormones in the body causing girls to develop as young as age 7. They are found in plastics, lotions and creams. Early puberty is correlated to an absence of the biological father figure in the household. His pheromones keep her puberty at bay for a few years. There are new medications, Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone Analogs that parents can use to postpone puberty in their daughter if it begins too early. Early puberty is linked to many challenges including anxiety, depression, smoking, drinking and reduced brain flexibility.

As you can see, our daughters are facing many challenges. I don't know about you but reading this book was a bit overwhelming for me. That is why I am eager to read the next half of the book where the author provides suggestions and tips to help parents navigate this obstacle course. I will be back next week with part 2. Stay tuned!

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Perimenopause

January 24th, 2016

Today, I'd like to explore perimenopause. I am 45 years old and I have noticed changes in my body over the last few years. My friends are in their 40s as well and they are also experiencing changes. The one that is most discussed is the inability to get away with former dietary choices. Our bodies seem to convert everything to fat and deposit it directly onto our midsection.

I grew up hearing about menopause: hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness and mood swings. Perimenopause doesn't really get as much attention and yet I believe this transitional period leading up to menopause is just as important.

In my work with women and through my own personal journey I have noticed a disconnect between women and their bodies. Our bodies change during adolescence as we go through growth spurts and develop as women leading to self-consciousness. Then we find our groove again until we become mothers. Once again, our bodies morph and we discover new lumps, stretch marks, veins, the works! Our body belongs to the baby for some time as it develops in our womb then makes its way out and starts to nurse.

Women do all sorts of things to their bodies in order to appear young and beautiful. The public perception of beauty is fabricated by the media. Add to this the staggering statistics about sexual abuse among women and you can understand how we get lost along the way.

Then comes perimenopause. Our bodies are changing once again. Our cycles are altered and unpredictable. Our hormones stir up our emotions, swinging from anger to sadness. Some women think they are losing their mind. If you happen to have a teenage daughter going through her own hormonal changes simultaneously, the household can become quite chaotic. The changes in libido and vaginal fluids can create tension with your partner as well. Night sweats can keep you up all night while hot flashes may lead to arguments about keeping the window closed or open. I am surprised there isn't more discussion about this topic.

Menopause was always described as this big, crazy change but, it would seem it is perimenopause that wreaks havoc on our system. It lasts until we begin menopause. This means we have not had a period for twelve months. At that point, our hormones stabilize and many women claim they feel more like themselves. My mother has not experienced all the drama described by experts on perimenopause. I think it's because she made many lifestyle changes prior to being menopausal.

Here are some preventive tips which may help make this transition a bit smoother:

1-Get to know your body. Keep a journal and log observations to create a baseline of information. Moods, menstrual cycle, cravings, bloating, pain etc.
2-Reduce or eliminate foods or substances that will increase your symptoms: alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, refined sugar, processed foods.
3-Find a physical activity you enjoy and stick with it: dancing (alone, as a couple in a class), going for walks after supper, swimming or aqua aerobics, cycling, joining a gym, doing yoga etc.
4-Make time for your friends. We often get busy and neglect our friendships. As your body changes, it can be helpful to talk to friends and compare what is happening in each other's lives. You know it's normal and you can provide mutual support. You can also meet with a therapist for additional support.
5-Be informed. Read about perimenopause. Know what to expect, how to prepare and, if need be, consult your doctor or naturopath to discuss options in order to help manage these changes.
6-Educate your partner about how you are feeling and what is happening to your body. Experiment if you need lubrication in order to enjoy your sex life. Communicate with loved ones about your needs or new boundaries.
7-Be patient. Your body is changing but it will eventually stabilize and you will feel like yourself again.
8-Love your body. It has been through so much. Think about what you have put your body through: sleepless nights, skipping meals or overindulging, stress levels, rigorous workouts, childbirth etc. Pledge to treat it well and recognize its awesomeness.
9-You may want to add supplements to support your body through this change: vitamin D, fish oil, a multivitamin, extra calcium (talk to your doctor or naturopath).
10-Take control of this experience. Make decisions that are right for you.

I urge you to discuss these changes with other women. It helps normalize this experience because that is exactly what it is, a normal experience.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org