September 7th, 2016
My husband and I were discussing the importance of strong and multiple male role models this morning. Both of our daughters have one male and one female teacher this year, a first. I am thrilled! I think we naturally have lots of female role models. Our caregivers are often women-stay-at-home moms, grandmas, aunts, cousins then, as we leave home, babysitters or daycare staff are mostly women, at school we have predominantly female teachers and, at the doctor or dentist's office, we see female receptionists, nurses and doctors.
Growing up, I didn't have a father. I was lucky that my grandfather retired when I was quite young so we spent a lot of time together, going to the park or visiting relatives. My grandfather was very quiet and polite. He always took his hat off in the presence of a lady and he had a wicked sense of humour. I also had an uncle who treated me like one of his own. He was hard working and successful. He grew up in a poor family and created his own wealth. I respected him for that. Finally, my Godfather became involved in my life as I started University. He is very intellectual and he liked to challenge me, teaching me to think for myself. He was a very spiritual man, not in a preachy way. Each of these men provided a role model. This was important because I ended up marrying a man with my Grandpa's sense of humour, my Uncle's work ethic and my Godfather's intellect.
My husband grew up without a positive male role model. He once told me the men in his family were weak. His father decided he didn't much like children once he'd had one. He was violent to his mom and neglected the children. When my husband saw his dad, he was visiting briefly, just long enough to beat his mom and get her pregnant. Then, he would disappear again. He decided from an early age to do the opposite of what his father had done. Whenever he is faced with a decision, he wonders what his father would do then he goes in the complete opposite direction. My husband had a strong female role mother, his grandmother. She taught him how it feels to be loved. He owes his confidence and success to her. She was a hard worker and he endeavoured to be just like her. That is how he came to be the successful entrepreneur that he is today. However, when he became my husband and, just over a year later, a father, he was lost. How does a husband behave on a daily basis? What do fathers do with their children? We have worked through this together. I wasn't much help because I didn't live with a man during my childhood. We made up our own routines and he developed his own way of fathering through trial and error.
I am happy that my daughters will have two more role models in their lives. Both male teachers have excellent reputations and are quite popular among students. They also have a third male teacher who has taught gym over the past two years but he only sees them for an hour, three times per week. Still, he is yet another example of what a man can be like. Our conversation this morning was about the impact of these teachers on the young boys at that school. There are so many boys growing up without a decent male role model. The father has left or was never around, the parents are divorced and the father gets little to no time them. These boys are surrounded by women at home, daycare and school. How can we expect them to grow into strong, confident young men if they have no guidance? I can just imagine how powerful an excellent male teacher can be to these young men.
Here's to all the teachers, male and female who become powerful templates for our children. Thank you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Monday, 20 June 2016
Sexy and Seven?
June 20th, 2016
Yesterday, I took my youngest out with me to buy a Subway sandwich for tomorrow's school lunch. I try to offer something different every day of the week and she loves Subway's turkey subs. She had been swimming with her sister and friend earlier in the day so she was wearing her one piece swimsuit with capri shorts over top. As I stood at the far end of the counter, waiting for my turn to order her food, she walked over to the area closer to the cash to decide whether she would have a raisin oatmeal cookie or garden tomato flavoured Sun chips. So far, pretty typical activity, right?
Imagine my surprise when I looked over at her and spotted a table of teenagers. There were three or four teenagers sitting at the end of a group of tables closer to my daughter. Their parents were sitting at the opposite end of these tables, closer to the window, talking amongst themselves, oblivious to their sons. These boys were turning in their seats to look at my daughter, they were giggling and holding up their phones. It looked like they were filming her but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
I thought, this isn't possible. She is seven years old, why would they be filming her? However, the giggling and the looks on their faces led me to believe that they were seeing my seven year old daughter like a potential sexual object. I tried to be rational. They are with their parents, they are probably laughing at something on their computers, something they are looking at that is already filmed and they happened to look at my youngest for some other reason. I did not want to burden my daughter who perceives herself as a child, and rightfully so, by reacting to these boys, accusing them of what I felt was inappropriate behaviour. Where is my proof? I did not want to go over and talk to them because I felt very angry and I worried that if they were doing what I thought and responded with a whatever attitude I might end up doing something I would regret. I walked over to my daughter and blocked their view. She did not notice any of this. I paid for the food and left.
It has bothered me ever since. When you just get a gut feeling and you are having a strong emotional reaction, it is difficult to know how to respond. It could all be a misunderstanding but what if it isn't? How do you approach this in a calm manner? "Excuse me, are you filming my seven year old daughter? Are you saying and thinking sexual thoughts about a seven year old? Can I see what is on your phones? Can you stay here while I call the police and have you arrested?" It was all so surreal.
I have given it a great deal of thought.
On the weekend, we went over to a friend's house for a BBQ. They have a daughter who is in my eldest daughter's class and they have a son who is a teenager. The kids were playing outside, having a great time. They were planning to have a sleepover. My youngest was excited to have a sleepover at their house and asked me when we were leaving because she wanted to feel grown up. The son's friend showed up for a sleepover as well. Suddenly, the dynamics changed. My daughters, their friend and her brother had been playing together before, jumping on the trampoline, running through the sprinklers and goofing around.
Now, they all went inside. We were outside eating. The kids were having too much fun to stop and eat just yet. Next thing I know, my daughters are coming to see me, asking me to help their friend. Her brother and his friend are taking stuff from her room, where the girls were playing, running away to hide her stuff and then wrestling with her. I asked if they were play fighting. My daughters said they weren't, they were hurting her, she was saying ouch and stop. I stood up to go in and investigate. Their friend came out and was putting on a brave face. She is 9 years old. She said: "Sorry about that, boys will be boys". I could tell she was upset despite her forced smile. I asked her if she'd like to sleep over at our house instead. I knew my girls no longer felt safe enough to stay there. They were upset by what had just happened. The girls packed her bag and we left shortly after. I did talk to the other parents about what had happened. They seemed to agree with the little girl's statement: "Oh well, boys will be boys".
Both of these experiences happened in one weekend. It makes me nervous. I have two confident, beautiful, smart, creative and sweet girls. The thought that they could be intimidated and made to feel unsafe by a few guys who just think it's funny to scare or hurt them is alarming to me. I worry about them in situations where a bunch of guys are looking at them and treating them like sexual objects. As women, we learn how to deal with this but I still wish we didn't have to. I still hope that, at some point, boys will be raised to see girls as people not just objects to be conquered. I'd love to see boys who respect girls and treat them well. These experiences have made me aware that we have not reached that point in time. I fear for my daughters. They have no idea.
I don't know what I can do as a woman without a son. This would make for such a great documentary, recording the changes in the perception of boys and girls as they move from ages 7-19 regarding the value of the opposite gender, how to interact with them and what is appropriate behaviour/language. I'm sure it would be an eye opener.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Yesterday, I took my youngest out with me to buy a Subway sandwich for tomorrow's school lunch. I try to offer something different every day of the week and she loves Subway's turkey subs. She had been swimming with her sister and friend earlier in the day so she was wearing her one piece swimsuit with capri shorts over top. As I stood at the far end of the counter, waiting for my turn to order her food, she walked over to the area closer to the cash to decide whether she would have a raisin oatmeal cookie or garden tomato flavoured Sun chips. So far, pretty typical activity, right?
Imagine my surprise when I looked over at her and spotted a table of teenagers. There were three or four teenagers sitting at the end of a group of tables closer to my daughter. Their parents were sitting at the opposite end of these tables, closer to the window, talking amongst themselves, oblivious to their sons. These boys were turning in their seats to look at my daughter, they were giggling and holding up their phones. It looked like they were filming her but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
I thought, this isn't possible. She is seven years old, why would they be filming her? However, the giggling and the looks on their faces led me to believe that they were seeing my seven year old daughter like a potential sexual object. I tried to be rational. They are with their parents, they are probably laughing at something on their computers, something they are looking at that is already filmed and they happened to look at my youngest for some other reason. I did not want to burden my daughter who perceives herself as a child, and rightfully so, by reacting to these boys, accusing them of what I felt was inappropriate behaviour. Where is my proof? I did not want to go over and talk to them because I felt very angry and I worried that if they were doing what I thought and responded with a whatever attitude I might end up doing something I would regret. I walked over to my daughter and blocked their view. She did not notice any of this. I paid for the food and left.
It has bothered me ever since. When you just get a gut feeling and you are having a strong emotional reaction, it is difficult to know how to respond. It could all be a misunderstanding but what if it isn't? How do you approach this in a calm manner? "Excuse me, are you filming my seven year old daughter? Are you saying and thinking sexual thoughts about a seven year old? Can I see what is on your phones? Can you stay here while I call the police and have you arrested?" It was all so surreal.
I have given it a great deal of thought.
On the weekend, we went over to a friend's house for a BBQ. They have a daughter who is in my eldest daughter's class and they have a son who is a teenager. The kids were playing outside, having a great time. They were planning to have a sleepover. My youngest was excited to have a sleepover at their house and asked me when we were leaving because she wanted to feel grown up. The son's friend showed up for a sleepover as well. Suddenly, the dynamics changed. My daughters, their friend and her brother had been playing together before, jumping on the trampoline, running through the sprinklers and goofing around.
Now, they all went inside. We were outside eating. The kids were having too much fun to stop and eat just yet. Next thing I know, my daughters are coming to see me, asking me to help their friend. Her brother and his friend are taking stuff from her room, where the girls were playing, running away to hide her stuff and then wrestling with her. I asked if they were play fighting. My daughters said they weren't, they were hurting her, she was saying ouch and stop. I stood up to go in and investigate. Their friend came out and was putting on a brave face. She is 9 years old. She said: "Sorry about that, boys will be boys". I could tell she was upset despite her forced smile. I asked her if she'd like to sleep over at our house instead. I knew my girls no longer felt safe enough to stay there. They were upset by what had just happened. The girls packed her bag and we left shortly after. I did talk to the other parents about what had happened. They seemed to agree with the little girl's statement: "Oh well, boys will be boys".
Both of these experiences happened in one weekend. It makes me nervous. I have two confident, beautiful, smart, creative and sweet girls. The thought that they could be intimidated and made to feel unsafe by a few guys who just think it's funny to scare or hurt them is alarming to me. I worry about them in situations where a bunch of guys are looking at them and treating them like sexual objects. As women, we learn how to deal with this but I still wish we didn't have to. I still hope that, at some point, boys will be raised to see girls as people not just objects to be conquered. I'd love to see boys who respect girls and treat them well. These experiences have made me aware that we have not reached that point in time. I fear for my daughters. They have no idea.
I don't know what I can do as a woman without a son. This would make for such a great documentary, recording the changes in the perception of boys and girls as they move from ages 7-19 regarding the value of the opposite gender, how to interact with them and what is appropriate behaviour/language. I'm sure it would be an eye opener.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Book of the Week: Girls on the Edge-Part 2
February 18th, 2016
Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.
In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.
In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.
The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.
In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.
In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.
The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Book of the Week-Girls On The Edge-Part 1
February 11th, 2016
This week's book is really freaking me out. Leonard Sax has authored two books that caught my attention. Boys Adrift is a book about the phenomenon of "lazy boys" who live in a cocoon of video games. All their needs are met and they feel no desire to go beyond their comfortable bedroom to search for anything else.
Girls On The Edge examines what is happening to our girls. As the mother of two girls, this book has me taking notes. I am really taking my time getting through this book and processing the abundance of information. That's why I write "part 1" in the title of this post. So far, I have read about the challenges faced by our daughters. Next week, I will read about the solutions to these challenges and report back for "part 2".
Dr. Sax makes an interesting point. His main message is that girls these days do not develop a sense of who they are. Usually, as you are exposed to your community which involves children of all ages, men and women, you have experiences that shape your perception of who you are. You also have some quiet time to yourself. These days with the crazy, hectic schedules: school, hockey, swimming, gymnastics, dance etc.. girls do not have a lot of unstructured down time. Also, we are less connected as families and as communities. Chances are you don't know your neighbours and you wouldn't feel safe if your daughter was walking alone in your neighbourhood. Children are in school with other kids the same age so there is little interaction with multiple age groups. Opportunities to connect as a family may be reduced as well as everyone struggles to juggle their schedule.
Girls are more likely to identify with one aspect of themselves, like being smart, thin, popular or athletic. They invest all their energy and attention into this one aspect and neglect the development of a core sense of self. Then, if they don't get into a prestigious college, or they gain weight or their friends turn on them, they are lost. They don't know who they are. They have a hole where their core should be. They try to fill the hole with alcohol but it just makes things messier. They are left with anxiety and/or depression.
The author describes four factors that put our daughters at risk. The first one is sexual identity. Our daughters are sexualized at a young age. They dress like older girls so they look older and in some cases participate in sexual behaviours before they are ready. They don't develop a sexual identity because they are sexualized before they even have the desire to be sexual. They become objectified and seek the attention of boys through acting out sexually. They don't believe they need to be in a relationship to have sex, it is seen as something casual. Therefore, they are performing sexual acts in the absence of a relationship. They even make out with other girls in front of boys for their enjoyment.
The second factor is the "cyberbubble". The trend of posting photos on Facebook and bogging about whatever is happening in their life means that many girls are developing a personae rather than a sense of self. They dress up for parties to look good in the photos. They need to stay current so they know what is hot and what is not. Their experiences become all about self-promotion. They become more of a logo than a person. What is important is to keep people interested and to get the "likes". Again, their actions have more to do with pleasing others than with self-expression or personal satisfaction.While they are honing their PR skills, they are not learning how to interact face to face with another person. Social media leaves very little time for breaks, they are always on and are expected to reply quickly. Teenagers belong to their own culture, excluding others who could balance things out for them. If teenagers are on the computer in the privacy of their room, parents could be oblivious to what is happening to their child. Cyberbullying is a real threat. Bullies have access to your daughter 24/7 and can post things that are untrue and hurtful. Lastly, there is the possibility of sexting, where your teenager sends suggestive photos of herself to a boyfriend. These photos can be shared with others and are considered child pornography. She could be charged if she gets caught.
The third factor is "obsessions". These include the cult of thinness promoted by "pro-anorexic" sites, the athlete who ignores her body's pain signals to maintain her competitive edge, the overachiever whose schedule is so full of commitments she doesn't know how to relax and have fun, the party girl who drinks to get "more personality" and, the cutter who enjoys feeling disconnected from her body, removed from the pain. Many teenagers grow up too fast and try to reclaim their childhood when they have grown up.
The fourth factor is "environmental toxins". Dr. Sax examines the link between BPA and phthalates and the early onset of puberty. PETE, BPA and phthalates mimic female hormones in the body causing girls to develop as young as age 7. They are found in plastics, lotions and creams. Early puberty is correlated to an absence of the biological father figure in the household. His pheromones keep her puberty at bay for a few years. There are new medications, Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone Analogs that parents can use to postpone puberty in their daughter if it begins too early. Early puberty is linked to many challenges including anxiety, depression, smoking, drinking and reduced brain flexibility.
As you can see, our daughters are facing many challenges. I don't know about you but reading this book was a bit overwhelming for me. That is why I am eager to read the next half of the book where the author provides suggestions and tips to help parents navigate this obstacle course. I will be back next week with part 2. Stay tuned!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This week's book is really freaking me out. Leonard Sax has authored two books that caught my attention. Boys Adrift is a book about the phenomenon of "lazy boys" who live in a cocoon of video games. All their needs are met and they feel no desire to go beyond their comfortable bedroom to search for anything else.
Girls On The Edge examines what is happening to our girls. As the mother of two girls, this book has me taking notes. I am really taking my time getting through this book and processing the abundance of information. That's why I write "part 1" in the title of this post. So far, I have read about the challenges faced by our daughters. Next week, I will read about the solutions to these challenges and report back for "part 2".
Dr. Sax makes an interesting point. His main message is that girls these days do not develop a sense of who they are. Usually, as you are exposed to your community which involves children of all ages, men and women, you have experiences that shape your perception of who you are. You also have some quiet time to yourself. These days with the crazy, hectic schedules: school, hockey, swimming, gymnastics, dance etc.. girls do not have a lot of unstructured down time. Also, we are less connected as families and as communities. Chances are you don't know your neighbours and you wouldn't feel safe if your daughter was walking alone in your neighbourhood. Children are in school with other kids the same age so there is little interaction with multiple age groups. Opportunities to connect as a family may be reduced as well as everyone struggles to juggle their schedule.
Girls are more likely to identify with one aspect of themselves, like being smart, thin, popular or athletic. They invest all their energy and attention into this one aspect and neglect the development of a core sense of self. Then, if they don't get into a prestigious college, or they gain weight or their friends turn on them, they are lost. They don't know who they are. They have a hole where their core should be. They try to fill the hole with alcohol but it just makes things messier. They are left with anxiety and/or depression.
The author describes four factors that put our daughters at risk. The first one is sexual identity. Our daughters are sexualized at a young age. They dress like older girls so they look older and in some cases participate in sexual behaviours before they are ready. They don't develop a sexual identity because they are sexualized before they even have the desire to be sexual. They become objectified and seek the attention of boys through acting out sexually. They don't believe they need to be in a relationship to have sex, it is seen as something casual. Therefore, they are performing sexual acts in the absence of a relationship. They even make out with other girls in front of boys for their enjoyment.
The second factor is the "cyberbubble". The trend of posting photos on Facebook and bogging about whatever is happening in their life means that many girls are developing a personae rather than a sense of self. They dress up for parties to look good in the photos. They need to stay current so they know what is hot and what is not. Their experiences become all about self-promotion. They become more of a logo than a person. What is important is to keep people interested and to get the "likes". Again, their actions have more to do with pleasing others than with self-expression or personal satisfaction.While they are honing their PR skills, they are not learning how to interact face to face with another person. Social media leaves very little time for breaks, they are always on and are expected to reply quickly. Teenagers belong to their own culture, excluding others who could balance things out for them. If teenagers are on the computer in the privacy of their room, parents could be oblivious to what is happening to their child. Cyberbullying is a real threat. Bullies have access to your daughter 24/7 and can post things that are untrue and hurtful. Lastly, there is the possibility of sexting, where your teenager sends suggestive photos of herself to a boyfriend. These photos can be shared with others and are considered child pornography. She could be charged if she gets caught.
The third factor is "obsessions". These include the cult of thinness promoted by "pro-anorexic" sites, the athlete who ignores her body's pain signals to maintain her competitive edge, the overachiever whose schedule is so full of commitments she doesn't know how to relax and have fun, the party girl who drinks to get "more personality" and, the cutter who enjoys feeling disconnected from her body, removed from the pain. Many teenagers grow up too fast and try to reclaim their childhood when they have grown up.
The fourth factor is "environmental toxins". Dr. Sax examines the link between BPA and phthalates and the early onset of puberty. PETE, BPA and phthalates mimic female hormones in the body causing girls to develop as young as age 7. They are found in plastics, lotions and creams. Early puberty is correlated to an absence of the biological father figure in the household. His pheromones keep her puberty at bay for a few years. There are new medications, Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone Analogs that parents can use to postpone puberty in their daughter if it begins too early. Early puberty is linked to many challenges including anxiety, depression, smoking, drinking and reduced brain flexibility.
As you can see, our daughters are facing many challenges. I don't know about you but reading this book was a bit overwhelming for me. That is why I am eager to read the next half of the book where the author provides suggestions and tips to help parents navigate this obstacle course. I will be back next week with part 2. Stay tuned!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Saturday, 16 January 2016
Rites of Passage
January 16th, 2016
When I was a professor at Algonquin College, among my course load, were Life Cycles and Life Cycles II. I loved teaching those courses about the various ages and stages of life. It struck me that there are few, if any, rites of passages to mark the transitions of our life cycle.
As my eldest daughter starts to mature, I anticipate the moment she will tell me that she has started her period. I want to convey positive messages about this milestone and celebrate it with her. I am shocked by the lack of rituals to welcome young girls into womanhood. I was very lucky that getting my period was acknowledged as a big deal in my family. As a matter of fact, when I heard all the fuss about my older cousin getting her period, I tried to "fake" my own period. I overheard telephone conversations boasting that my cousin was "une grande fille" (a big girl). I wanted this attention for myself. Early the next morning, I grabbed a pair of undies, smeared jam in the crotch and brought them over to my mother saying that I was also a "big girl". She was still in bed, groggy and, as she rolled over and saw what I was holding in my hands, she informed me that she knew the difference between raspberry jam and menstrual blood. She urged me to get back to sleep. Darn it! I'd have to wait for the real thing.
We have baby showers, birthday parties, graduations, bridal showers, wedding ceremonies, celebrations when we land that permanent job or get promoted, retirement parties and funerals. What happens to all the other transitions?
For now, due to time constraints, I'd like to focus on creating a rite of passage for my daughter. If we were Jewish, she'd have a Bat Mitzvah but we're not so I need to make something up. My fantasy includes creating a committee of women I respect who gather on a given date to prepare a celebration for my daughter. My goals are to welcome her into womanhood, to acknowledge her as a unique and special person, to share lessons we have learned, to provide positive role models for her, to convey values to her as well as a sense of importance through roles and responsibilities.
My daughters used to watch My Little Pony. I liked the concept of the Cutesy-gnette where ponies received their "cutie mark" which reflected their special talent. I was also inspired when I heard about the elaborate preparations the women undergo prior to getting married in India. I thought I could mix both of these ideas into one celebration. Here is what I have come up with so far:
Step 1-Choose the wise women carefully to ensure a variety of role models
Step 2-Invite a few of her friends to participate in, and witness, the ceremony (assuming parents are ok with it and provide consent)
Step 3-Prepare a special garment for her to wear on this occasion
Step 4-Sit in a circle with white candles
Step 5-Each person says something positive about her and lights a candle
Step 6-We recognize her talent(s) and decide on a design to represent her unique skills
Step 7-The design is painted in the palms of her hands with Henna
Step 8-As we share a pot luck meal, each wise woman imparts a pearl of wisdom gained from experience
Step 9-The Wise Women answer questions about life and womanhood
Step 10-A contract is read, discussed and signed, outlining her new roles and responsibilities
Step 11-We bless her with a group smudging
Step 12-The ceremony is documented in a scrapbook and she receives a journal and pen as a self-care tool
That's all I have so far. I hope to provide guidance, a sense of connection and purpose through this ceremony.
Have any of you created these kinds of rituals? If anyone out there has ideas, I am open to suggestions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
artnsoul@ripnet.com
When I was a professor at Algonquin College, among my course load, were Life Cycles and Life Cycles II. I loved teaching those courses about the various ages and stages of life. It struck me that there are few, if any, rites of passages to mark the transitions of our life cycle.
As my eldest daughter starts to mature, I anticipate the moment she will tell me that she has started her period. I want to convey positive messages about this milestone and celebrate it with her. I am shocked by the lack of rituals to welcome young girls into womanhood. I was very lucky that getting my period was acknowledged as a big deal in my family. As a matter of fact, when I heard all the fuss about my older cousin getting her period, I tried to "fake" my own period. I overheard telephone conversations boasting that my cousin was "une grande fille" (a big girl). I wanted this attention for myself. Early the next morning, I grabbed a pair of undies, smeared jam in the crotch and brought them over to my mother saying that I was also a "big girl". She was still in bed, groggy and, as she rolled over and saw what I was holding in my hands, she informed me that she knew the difference between raspberry jam and menstrual blood. She urged me to get back to sleep. Darn it! I'd have to wait for the real thing.
We have baby showers, birthday parties, graduations, bridal showers, wedding ceremonies, celebrations when we land that permanent job or get promoted, retirement parties and funerals. What happens to all the other transitions?
For now, due to time constraints, I'd like to focus on creating a rite of passage for my daughter. If we were Jewish, she'd have a Bat Mitzvah but we're not so I need to make something up. My fantasy includes creating a committee of women I respect who gather on a given date to prepare a celebration for my daughter. My goals are to welcome her into womanhood, to acknowledge her as a unique and special person, to share lessons we have learned, to provide positive role models for her, to convey values to her as well as a sense of importance through roles and responsibilities.
My daughters used to watch My Little Pony. I liked the concept of the Cutesy-gnette where ponies received their "cutie mark" which reflected their special talent. I was also inspired when I heard about the elaborate preparations the women undergo prior to getting married in India. I thought I could mix both of these ideas into one celebration. Here is what I have come up with so far:
Step 1-Choose the wise women carefully to ensure a variety of role models
Step 2-Invite a few of her friends to participate in, and witness, the ceremony (assuming parents are ok with it and provide consent)
Step 3-Prepare a special garment for her to wear on this occasion
Step 4-Sit in a circle with white candles
Step 5-Each person says something positive about her and lights a candle
Step 6-We recognize her talent(s) and decide on a design to represent her unique skills
Step 7-The design is painted in the palms of her hands with Henna
Step 8-As we share a pot luck meal, each wise woman imparts a pearl of wisdom gained from experience
Step 9-The Wise Women answer questions about life and womanhood
Step 10-A contract is read, discussed and signed, outlining her new roles and responsibilities
Step 11-We bless her with a group smudging
Step 12-The ceremony is documented in a scrapbook and she receives a journal and pen as a self-care tool
That's all I have so far. I hope to provide guidance, a sense of connection and purpose through this ceremony.
Have any of you created these kinds of rituals? If anyone out there has ideas, I am open to suggestions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
artnsoul@ripnet.com
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