Male Caregivers

March 6th, 2016

I learned a lot from working in long term care. One of the things I noticed was how men and women approach caregiving. I was so intrigued that I did a research paper about it and was blown away by what I discovered.

Traditionally, women have been the caregivers. We are more likely to choose careers that involve caregiving such as nursing, teaching, social worker, speech pathologist, personal support worker etc. In our households, women generally took care of the children's needs and were more likely to take a maternity leave to devote as much time as possible with our children. We take care of our spouse, maintain connections with other family members, even our in-laws and we host gatherings in our homes.

Traditionally, men, in contrast, have worked outside the home and invested more time in relationships with colleagues or business contacts. They go to work, play a round of golf, stop off at the pub for a drink on their way home etc. At least, that is the way it used to be.

According to my research, as we age, women and men want different things. Women have raised their children and are looking for opportunities to connect with the outside world. They might go back to school to get a degree or get a job where they can use their skills and feel competent. Men have reached a certain level in their career and they are turning toward the homefront, looking for ways to contribute and connect with loved ones. They may mentor one of the adult offsprings or spend more time with them.

Here is the interesting part from a long term care perspective: when an aging parent needs care, each gender has a different reaction. If a woman is experiencing empty nest syndrome, the new caregiving responsibility may be a welcome task. However, if she is still caring for her children or if her children are now grown and she was in the process of training for a new job, this turn of events may leave her feeling resentful. She thought it was her turn to pursue her own goals but now, these have to be put on hold. There were some shocking statistics that indicated that women were more likely to burnout and be abusive toward their ailing parent. They feel burdened, isolated and unsupported.

Men who are asked to help care for an aging parent are more likely to enjoy this opportunity to help out a parent and use it as a bonding experience. They are generally in a position where they can take some time off work or they are retired. The way they care for a parent is different as well. They will ensure that the maintenance of the house and finances are looked after whether they do it themselves or pay someone to do it. They tend to decide what they can do and delegate the rest to others. If they have no siblings to help out, they will pay for the help or make arrangements for the parent to move to a home.

Women take everything on and feel guilty if they delegate caregiving tasks to an agency or personal support worker. Women feel that they should be helping the parent and the parent may encourage this saying they feel uncomfortable when someone else bathes them or that no one else can clean the house to their standards or they may complain about the food that gets delivered to their home. This results in a stressed daughter or daughter-in-law.

In most families there is a primary caregiver, usually a daughter or daughter-in-law. She is the one the parents turn to whenever anything goes wrong. The primary caregiver visits more often, takes on the most responsibilities, knows what medication the parents are taking, when their next appointment is and, who they have seen and for what, in the past. When the parents' health deteriorates, family members defer to the primary caregiver. She may ask for support from siblings but they are used to her doing everything and will most likely not step in or do very little. This is where the danger of burnout begins and why there is a risk that the caregiving relationship will become abusive.

There are lots of holes in our health care system. The caregiver can get lost looking for services that will help fill the gaps in her parent's life. It can seem easier at first just to plug in all those holes on her own. However, as the gaps become wider and the needs get more complex, the caregiver is often confronted with the reality that moving the parent to a facility may be the only logical solution. That is when I met most of the caregivers, during a visit to the long term care facility. The parent would visit, convinced that this was not going to happen. The daughter or daughter-in-law would look around, feeling emotional and guilty, worrying about this important decision, wishing someone else could take over.

We often leave men out of the caregiving equation, yet, research demonstrates that caregiving is developmentally appropriate and beneficial for middle-aged to older men and, that they are skilled at caregiving in a balanced way so they are less likely to burnout. We need to pay attention to this information and apply it by including men in conversations, training and decision-making. It could lead to less women feeling alone and overwhelmed while providing men with an opportunity to use their skills to serve their family. Food for thought.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org