Unhealthy Relationships

March 16th, 2016

Today, I'd like to talk about unhealthy relationships. We hear certain key words: domestic violence or abusive relationship. We imagine a woman being beaten by her drunken husband. She is afraid but she stays with him and we judge her. Why doesn't she leave? Judgment takes away our fear. It protects us from the reality that it could be any one of us. By asking why "they" stay, we create a wall between "them" and "us".

The fact is many women are in unhealthy relationships. Some know their relationship is unhealthy and they seek help or create a plan to leave. However, many women hide this wisdom from themselves and everyone else. An unhealthy relationship is any relationship that makes you feel poorly about yourself, that creates separation between you and your support system and instills fear about your safety or the well-being of your children.

You are attracted to a man. He is really into you. He wants to be with you all the time. When you are apart, he texts you or calls you. If you don't respond right away, he is disappointed. If you are unable to meet with him because you have plans with friends or family, he makes you feel guilty. He had something special planned. He may tell you that he is uncomfortable around your friends or your family. You spend more time with him and try to squeeze your friends and family in when you are not with him because you know he doesn't feel comfortable around them. He just wants to be alone with you. You turn down invitations until no one bothers to call you. Your loved ones don't like him but they just don't "get" him the way you do. You love him and he is carry about you.

Once you are hooked on him and isolated from your friends and family, your boyfriend gets more demanding, more moody. He has a tremper. When you disagree with him or won't do what he wants, he gets angry. You find yourself doing things you don't want to appease him. This could include having sex. You also keep information from him to protect yourself from his outburst like the fact that you met with a friend for coffee. He doesn't like that friend and wouldn't approve of you seeing her. Drinking makes his anger worst but he shows no sign of abstaining from alcohol. You may realize that you are in danger. Who do you turn to? You have alienated your friends and family. They were right but you are not ready to admit to this just yet. There are times when he is just so sweet. You have a great time. These peaks are just enough to keep you involved. You tell yourself it's not so bad. This may escalate to physical violence or it may never come to that.

There are things you do that he notices and he shares his observations with you, for your own good. The way you hold your cup of coffee or the sound of your voice, the way you dance, the clothes you wear, little details that make you who you are. He points out what you should work on and make you feel ashamed. This may be worst when he is around his friends. He may correct you in front of them or comment one something that he knows makes you feel vulnerable. All of this attention on you, keeps you from noticing things about him. They create doubt in your concept of yourself. You forget what it was like to feel confident in who you were and to expect love from those around you. This is his super power. After a while you don't even notice the unhealthy behaviors. You are used to hiding and pretending, avoiding his outbursts when you can, making excuses for him along the way.

If someone you love is in this kind of relationship, the best thing you can do is be loving and supportive of them. If you get angry and try to convince her that he is no good, she will hide his behaviors from you and shut you out. If you behave in loving ways toward her she will start to notice the drastic difference between the way she feels when she is around you and when she is with him. She will remember that she has a choice, that it can be better, that she was someone and had a life before this person. She will choose someone who loves her too. It won't happen all at once, it will sink in over time. Don't judge, don't preach or give advice. Just keep loving her. It is your super power.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org