Family Dynamics

March 14th, 2016

Who are you? I mean in your family. What is your role? Where do you fit in the puzzle of your family? Whenever I offer a team building workshop for small groups I like to explore this question. We are complex human beings. We may be controlling and bossy at work then dependent and quiet at home. Each environment brings out a different aspect of us.

The thing is, we often walk right into the same role at work and in our romantic relationship as we had in our family of origin. Were you the peacemaker at home? Are you the only one still talking to everyone at work? The one every member of the team confides in? Were you a caregiver when you were growing up, caring for an alcoholic parent? You may be determined to marry someone who doesn't drink but you end up with someone who depends on you in other ways. Are all your employers incompetent people who need your expertise to succeed, just another expression of the same pattern.

If each employee is carrying a role from his/her family of origin but is unaware of it, then each conflict at work is perceived as new and unique to that specific working relationship. What happens when you recognize a pattern, when you realize that this is just an extension of your previous role from your family of origin? It depersonalizes the conflict at work, it brings you back to the original relationship to figure out what needs to be resolved. You can make choices from a place of awareness. The intensity of the conflict vanishes. You are able to question your perception. "Are they excluding me or am I imagining that they would prefer it if I didn't join them because I felt like an outsider in my family of origin"? The ability to check the validity of your perceptions is empowering.

Have you ever noticed how the same family story can be told differently by the family members who were there? We carry our stories with us. We tell our partner, our children, our friends and colleagues our version of these stories. They become a part of our identity. They influence the way we interact with others, our expectations of them. We change, our loved ones change but we interact as if everything is the same. Isn't it funny how we become 5 years old when we bump into our kindergarten teacher. We are full grown with children of our own but we find ourselves greeting her the same way, with the same tone: "Hello Mrs Birke"!

We project these behaviors onto new people. We transfer our fear of parents onto authority figures, our desire to please to other men or women, our competitiveness from our siblings to our colleagues. Take a moment to become conscious of the impact your roles have on your current life.

1-What was your job in your family of origin? Did you make people laugh, stir up trouble, create chaos, rebel, keep the peace, compete, make yourself invisible, do all the work, try to be perfect?
2-Who were your allies in the family (people who supported you)?
3-Were you in a coalition with someone (ganging up against someone else)?
4-Were you the black sheep (different/outsider)?
5-What were the rules in your family (even if they were never spoken)?
6- What were your family's expectations of you? Were you expected to take over the family business, marry someone from your culture or religion, get rich and support your family?
7-What did your family stand for and value? (success, family, patriotism, community involvement, education, athletics)
8-How would you qualify the relationship between your parents and among your family members? (intimate, close, loving, supportive or cold, divided, chaotic, violent, numb)

Once you've answered these questions, examine your current lifestyle and relationships, at home and at work. Can you see the connections between your life and your foundation? I would be very surprised if you didn't. Once you make peace with your family of origin and heal early wounds, the troubling people in your present will lose their hold on you.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org