December 27th, 2016
My husband invited his mother to join us for Christmas this year. I was worried. It is such a relaxing, peaceful, enjoyable holiday. My husband's relationship with his mother is intense. They can talk and laugh then suddenly, out of nowhere, it all takes a wrong turn, hurtful words are spoken, voices are raised. Would this change the feeling of our holiday? I thought it might be the last year that our eldest would believe in Santa and, considering the mess up with our youngest daughter's gift from Santa (still no parcel from Amazon), it might be her last year as well. I didn't want to mess it up.
I enjoy my mother-in-law. She is funny and she is even healthier than during her last visit in the summer so there are more activities we can do. She loves her cup of tea, sweets and talking about everything and anything. I feel comfortable with her. She is direct and I know what she wants, likes and hates, which makes it easy for me.
Whenever she comes for a visit, I observe first-hand how my husband and his mother interact; what annoys him (her saying racist things or recalling past events in a way that shines a more positive light on her), what hurts her (when he raises his voice, asks her to stop talking or says she is being selfish) and, what brings them closer (music, movies, the Queen). As I spent time with my mother and his, I observed how our own expectations can mess up an opportunity to create happy memories. We forget that our parents are human beings with qualities that we take for granted, judge weaknesses that come from their own upbringing and life experiences and, personality traits that make them who they are.
I am reading a book by Melissa Moore called, Whole. I was reading a chapter on forgiveness on Boxing Day. My husband was upset because of something his mother said that he felt was hurtful and inappropriate. I asked him to read that chapter. It seemed to clear the air. The chapter urges people to stop when someone has hurt or angered them and consider the intention of the person, the context in which that person was raised, how their life and belief system were shaped. If you can think of that person as another soul on a journey toward personal growth, you realize that you are also imperfect, a fellow traveller.
Christmas is a time to celebrate but it is also filled with expectations. Whatever conflicts or issues already exist seem to be intensified over the holidays. Stepping back from our expectations, we create space to let each person bring what they can, to show up "as is" and be loved. Everyone needs to belong to a group. On Christmas Day, my mother-in-law was overwhelmed when she received a full stocking (a first for her) and gifts from my mother, her son, the children and myself. She started to cry and we were all taken aback. We asked what was wrong and she just said she felt loved and it was a bit overwhelming. We all stopped what we were doing, even the kids, and gave her a hug.
That one moment transformed Christmas morning for me. I imagined what it must be like to never receive a gift or stocking at Christmas, or to not feel loved or never feel that you belong to any group. I was so moved and it made me grateful for the love in my life. Our daughters watched her in awe. They were so sweet to her, fetching her slippers, bringing a foot stool and offering her candy. I was proud of my girls. Sometimes, you need to be confronted with someone's pain in order to notice the absence of it in your own life. We are so lucky. We have each other, we love one another and only want what's best for everyone.
I am grateful for my mother-in-law. She brought an appreciation of Christmas for us. She gave our daughters an opportunity to be compassionate and helpful. My husband learned to accept her as she is, flawed but still the woman who gave him life. I am grateful for my family. They are kind and loving and I am thrilled to belong them. Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are all safe, loved and at peace!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label visit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label visit. Show all posts
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Thursday, 14 July 2016
Why Do We Clean?
July 14th, 2016
Last night, I was too exhausted to type so I didn't blog. I am feeling pretty tired again this evening but I didn't want to skip two nights in a row. Why do I crave my bed by 9pm when I have put my daughters to bed? Cleaning!
You see, my mother-in-law is coming over for two weeks. She lives in England and I have never met her. We started using Face Time to communicate so I have seen her face and we have interacted for short periods of time but a whole two weeks in the same house is a bit scary.
I remember my mother cleaning frantically whenever people came over. We would rush around, stowing piles of clothing, books, paperwork etc into closets, praying that no one would open them. We would vacuum everywhere and dust all surfaces. It was so stressful.
I don't generally keep the house spotless. I de-clutter and clean the essential areas-washrooms, kitchen and bedding. I sweep every day because our dog and cat shed, leaving tumbleweeds of fur rolling around the wooden floor. Otherwise, my home is cozy and hygienic but no one would nominate me for a good housekeeping award.
When people come over, (we have people over a lot), I check the washrooms to ensure they are clean and I give the floors a good sweep so our guests don't go home with tufts of fur attached to their socks. That's it! I figure people come over to see us, not inspect our home.
This time is different. There's something about meeting your mother-in-law that is intimidating. I don't know why that is. She seems really sweet and, from what my husband tells me, she didn't like cleaning the house either so she'll understand. So, I have been cleaning the house thoroughly. When you are exposed to the dirt in your home all the time, you stop noticing it. I had to step back and see our home with fresh eyes.
One of the biggest challenges to keeping our home clean is that my children, husband and pets are messy. There are toys, tools and fur all over the place. There is only one of me so it feels like there is no point in trying to clean the house, no matter how much progress is made, I turn around and there is more work to be done. Today, I was cleaning the patio door windows. I had cleaned the inside and stepped outside to clean the other side. I sprayed the entire window and my dog decided to come and see what I was doing. She followed my paper towel as I wiped and I watched in horror as she licked the inside of the window-the one I had just washed. I had to laugh.
I spent one month just de-cluttering-tools in the basement, receipts on my husband's dresser, toys in a giveaway bag or in our daughters' rooms. Then I created a master list and started working on one section at a time. The hood fan over the stove was the worst-greasy and sticky, yuk!
As much as I hate cleaning, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction when you can look around the room and it is spacious and neat. I enjoy organizing items so they each have a place. In the past, I have created nooks for the girls to draw as well as reading areas but, they turn any cute, organized area into a war zone. I have learned my lesson and now, every time I have to clean an area that they have cluttered, I donate most of the items away. This simplifies their environment and makes it harder for them to trash it.
As I cleaned today, I wondered what I am trying to prove. Initially, I was telling myself that I just wanted my mother-in-law to be comfortable. However, will cleaning and ironing the curtains really make a big difference? Am I trying to pretend that I am a great home maker? That would be a lie. I suck at cleaning. I am much more interested in living in our home and enjoying my family. So, I have no answer. I don't know why I am putting so much effort into cleaning our home. I do want my mother-in-law to feel welcome and comfortable. It may be as simple as that.
I have three more days to prepare. I feel pretty good. I can't wait for her to get here so we can finally just enjoy our time together and get to know each other. I will not be blogging while she is here from July 17th to July 31st, 2016. We have so many exciting activities planned for her visit. I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about after our vacation.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Last night, I was too exhausted to type so I didn't blog. I am feeling pretty tired again this evening but I didn't want to skip two nights in a row. Why do I crave my bed by 9pm when I have put my daughters to bed? Cleaning!
You see, my mother-in-law is coming over for two weeks. She lives in England and I have never met her. We started using Face Time to communicate so I have seen her face and we have interacted for short periods of time but a whole two weeks in the same house is a bit scary.
I remember my mother cleaning frantically whenever people came over. We would rush around, stowing piles of clothing, books, paperwork etc into closets, praying that no one would open them. We would vacuum everywhere and dust all surfaces. It was so stressful.
I don't generally keep the house spotless. I de-clutter and clean the essential areas-washrooms, kitchen and bedding. I sweep every day because our dog and cat shed, leaving tumbleweeds of fur rolling around the wooden floor. Otherwise, my home is cozy and hygienic but no one would nominate me for a good housekeeping award.
When people come over, (we have people over a lot), I check the washrooms to ensure they are clean and I give the floors a good sweep so our guests don't go home with tufts of fur attached to their socks. That's it! I figure people come over to see us, not inspect our home.
This time is different. There's something about meeting your mother-in-law that is intimidating. I don't know why that is. She seems really sweet and, from what my husband tells me, she didn't like cleaning the house either so she'll understand. So, I have been cleaning the house thoroughly. When you are exposed to the dirt in your home all the time, you stop noticing it. I had to step back and see our home with fresh eyes.
One of the biggest challenges to keeping our home clean is that my children, husband and pets are messy. There are toys, tools and fur all over the place. There is only one of me so it feels like there is no point in trying to clean the house, no matter how much progress is made, I turn around and there is more work to be done. Today, I was cleaning the patio door windows. I had cleaned the inside and stepped outside to clean the other side. I sprayed the entire window and my dog decided to come and see what I was doing. She followed my paper towel as I wiped and I watched in horror as she licked the inside of the window-the one I had just washed. I had to laugh.
I spent one month just de-cluttering-tools in the basement, receipts on my husband's dresser, toys in a giveaway bag or in our daughters' rooms. Then I created a master list and started working on one section at a time. The hood fan over the stove was the worst-greasy and sticky, yuk!
As much as I hate cleaning, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction when you can look around the room and it is spacious and neat. I enjoy organizing items so they each have a place. In the past, I have created nooks for the girls to draw as well as reading areas but, they turn any cute, organized area into a war zone. I have learned my lesson and now, every time I have to clean an area that they have cluttered, I donate most of the items away. This simplifies their environment and makes it harder for them to trash it.
As I cleaned today, I wondered what I am trying to prove. Initially, I was telling myself that I just wanted my mother-in-law to be comfortable. However, will cleaning and ironing the curtains really make a big difference? Am I trying to pretend that I am a great home maker? That would be a lie. I suck at cleaning. I am much more interested in living in our home and enjoying my family. So, I have no answer. I don't know why I am putting so much effort into cleaning our home. I do want my mother-in-law to feel welcome and comfortable. It may be as simple as that.
I have three more days to prepare. I feel pretty good. I can't wait for her to get here so we can finally just enjoy our time together and get to know each other. I will not be blogging while she is here from July 17th to July 31st, 2016. We have so many exciting activities planned for her visit. I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about after our vacation.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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