One More Seat at the Dinner Table

December 27th, 2016

My husband invited his mother to join us for Christmas this year. I was worried. It is such a relaxing, peaceful, enjoyable holiday. My husband's relationship with his mother is intense. They can talk and laugh then suddenly, out of nowhere, it all takes a wrong turn, hurtful words are spoken, voices are raised. Would this change the feeling of our holiday? I thought it might be the last year that our eldest would believe in Santa and, considering the mess up with our youngest daughter's gift from Santa (still no parcel from Amazon), it might be her last year as well. I didn't want to mess it up.

I enjoy my mother-in-law. She is funny and she is even healthier than during her last visit in the summer so there are more activities we can do. She loves her cup of tea, sweets and talking about everything and anything. I feel comfortable with her. She is direct and I know what she wants, likes and hates, which makes it easy for me.

Whenever she comes for a visit, I observe first-hand how my husband and his mother interact; what annoys him (her saying racist things or recalling past events in a way that shines a more positive light on her), what hurts her (when he raises his voice, asks her to stop talking or says she is being selfish) and, what brings them closer (music, movies, the Queen). As I spent time with my mother and his, I observed how our own expectations can mess up an opportunity to create happy memories. We forget that our parents are human beings with qualities that we take for granted, judge weaknesses that come from their own upbringing and life experiences and, personality traits that make them who they are.

I am reading a book by Melissa Moore called, Whole. I was reading a chapter on forgiveness on Boxing Day. My husband was upset because of something his mother said that he felt was hurtful and inappropriate. I asked him to read that chapter. It seemed to clear the air. The chapter urges people to stop when someone has hurt or angered them and consider the intention of the person, the context in which that person was raised, how their life and belief system were shaped. If you can think of that person as another soul on a journey toward personal growth, you realize that you are also imperfect, a fellow traveller.

Christmas is a time to celebrate but it is also filled with expectations. Whatever conflicts or issues already exist seem to be intensified over the holidays. Stepping back from our expectations, we create space to let each person bring what they can, to show up "as is" and be loved. Everyone needs to belong to a group. On Christmas Day, my mother-in-law was overwhelmed when she received a full stocking (a first for her) and gifts from my mother, her son, the children and myself. She started to cry and we were all taken aback. We asked what was wrong and she just said she felt loved and it was a bit overwhelming. We all stopped what we were doing, even the kids, and gave her a hug.

That one moment transformed Christmas morning for me. I imagined what it must be like to never receive a gift or stocking at Christmas, or to not feel loved or never feel that you belong to any group. I was so moved and it made me grateful for the love in my life. Our daughters watched her in awe. They were so sweet to her, fetching her slippers, bringing a foot stool and offering her candy. I was proud of my girls. Sometimes, you need to be confronted with someone's pain in order to notice the absence of it in your own life. We are so lucky. We have each other, we love one another and only want what's best for everyone.

I am grateful for my mother-in-law. She brought an appreciation of Christmas for us. She gave our daughters an opportunity to be compassionate and helpful. My husband learned to accept her as she is, flawed but still the woman who gave him life. I am grateful for my family. They are kind and loving and I am thrilled to belong them.  Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are all safe, loved and at peace!

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Christmas Spirit

December 9th, 2016

Christmas is fast approaching, there are clues everywhere from the music blasted over the shopping mall speakers, the parcels piled up a the post office, the grumpy, rushed people pushing through the crowds, two-fisting their bags of gifts (which they can't afford) and the decorations on the homes and store fronts.

Before I had children, I hated the commercial garbage that came with this holiday. Seeing the Christmas decorations next to the Halloween costumes in October or being bombarded with gift ideas at each commercial break in early November, it all seemed in such poor taste.

I always had a good time at Christmas. When I was younger, my mother and I would head over to my aunt and uncle's house for Christmas Eve where we would celebrate my uncle's birthday until midnight. Then, we would dole out Christmas gifts after midnight. We would eat and have dessert all over again in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Then we would sleep until it was time to go to my grandparents' home for Christmas. We would see all the cousins and their growing families. I didn't see many of them the rest of the year but we would catch up at my grandparents' home. My mother and I never had much money and my aunt, uncle and cousins would always buy us gifts even though they knew we couldn't buy them anything. It felt so good the first year I was able to surprise everyone with a gift. I was working full-time and able to splurge. It was the best!

When I married and had children of my own, we started new traditions. We stay in our pyjamas and lounge around the house, all cozy. The girls play with their new toys, my mother, husband and I linger over coffee and read from our new books. It is mellower but oh so cozy. I still call my aunt and uncle, they live in Aylmer and I in Kemptville so we generally don't see each other but it wouldn't be Christmas without talking to them. My cousins are at their house so I talk to them too.

We decorated the tree as a family last weekend. I enjoyed it, the girls are still young enough to be excited about Santa and the pretty tree. Each year I wonder if this is our last "magical" Christmas. It's not the same when they stop believing. I know the holidays are not about gifts and spending money but, I always get into the spirit when I start shopping. I am just so excited when I find the perfect gift, something my loved ones will love but would never buy for themselves.

Today was the best. I have already bought a gift for each of my daughters. Santa's gifts are on the way. My mother wasn't able to find anything in her many excursions out to the stores. She gets confused by the names of various dolls from multiple kids' shows. I told her I would get something on her behalf today. I drove out into the sunlight , my favourite music blaring and, found some perfect gifts. The girls will love them and my mom will be happy to have caused so much joy. Then, I visited a store and purchased some awesome gifts for my husband. I just know his face will light up when he sees them (no pressure or anything).

I am not a materialistic person and we only buy the girls a few gifts each. I think it's my inner child that is making up for lost time. Growing up, I would have these awesome ideas what to buy for people. I paid attention to what they liked and knew that my gift ideas would make them so happy. I just couldn't buy those things; for my mom, for aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and boyfriends. It feels so good to be able to buy something special for my loved ones now. It truly puts me in the Christmas spirit, not the commercial aspect of it but the spirit of giving, of thinking of others and creating special moments.

We have the cozy home, the fireplaces, the food, the people we love and the fun traditions. The gifts are just the cherry on top. Merry Christmas everyone!

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org