Concussion Consequences

October 27th, 2016

Today is a hard day. On Monday, October 17th, I enjoyed a thai massage. My masseuse was excellent and I really felt that I was doing something great for myself. However, as with every treatment I've had seen our car accident in July 2012 (massage, physic, acupuncture, cranio sacral etc), there were  consequences to this stimulation.

I haven't been able to feel the back of my head since the accident. I sometimes wake up and my skull is numb, it feels the same as when your arm falls asleep. I have also had vessels burst in my eyes on a regular basis. I visited the eye doctor and he claims my eyes are healthy. He is puzzled by this and suggested I "keep an eye on it".

When I wake up in the morning, my lower back is in pain. I have to roll over and slowly ease myself out of bed. I am in my 40s, what will I be like in my 80s? I also have a sore ovary, it hurts when it's ovulating. This has been an issue since the accident because of the pressure from the seat belt during impact.

Initially, after the crash, I was sleeping most of the day. I was dizzy and nauseous, I experienced headaches (something that had never happened before), I had a sore back and ovary. My mother came to help but I had to function as best I could, as fast as possible because my daughters were at home for the summer.

By the time I received treatment, it was September. I thought I was healing and progressing well but I had no idea how damaged I actually was. I went for a massage and experienced non-stop headaches for two weeks. I promised myself never to do that again. I booked sessions with my physiotherapist. She couldn't do any physical manipulations because my central nervous system was so out of whack. As soon as she started working on me, I would have to run to the washroom and empty my bowel. She used crania-sacral therapy for our sessions together. She added a heating pad, some electrical stimulation and acupuncture as our time together drew to a close. We weren't done healing my brain but the insurance was done paying so I stopped going.

I decided to start working out. I joined a gym, briefed my fitness trainer and we took it slow. I enjoyed the treadmill and did some basic machines to work on my legs and arms (without straining my neck) and floor exercises like lunges and stretches. I had to be careful not to overdo it as I would hit a wall of fatigue and couldn't function for the rest of the day.

I had to adjust my schedule, not driving at night which means my husband now takes the girls to gymnastics, not scheduling clients at night because I am too tired and therefore don't want to try to help people when my brain is not at its best and, drastically reducing my time with our daughters each night. They used to get quality time playing with me 1:1 as well as bath time. We have switched to showers and a story. They still get angry sometimes that I am not the same mommy. They wish we had never been in an accident. Me too.

Why am I re-hashing all of this today? A few days after my thai massage, I started to get a headache. Then I noticed I was grumpy at night, not my usual patient self. I was running out of energy more quickly. If the girls were asking for a snack or wanting me to stay with them until they fell asleep, I was grumpy about it. I wasn't being myself. Then I woke up at night but instead of my head being numb at the back, I was experiencing sensations. This sounds like a good thing but it hurts. I have this aching in the back of my head where the numbness used to be. It's very scary to discover, every time I do anything for my health, that my brain has still not healed. I feel frightened that I'll have a stroke and won't be here or healthy enough to care for my girls. I worry that my brain is turning off and I'll end up with early dementia. This may not sound rational but, on days like today when I feel just how vulnerable I am when it comes to my brain, it feels reasonable to worry.

This is a hard day because I have been out interviewing moms for the book, I have a client scheduled in later today, my daughters have a PD day tomorrow and I have a workshop and a birthday party for my youngest on Saturday. The old me would be very excited, the present me wonders if I'll have the energy for it all. Will I ever NOT feel brain damaged? I don't know. Meanwhile, the young lady who crashed into us, because she was busy texting, is out there, free, unscathed, planning her life and, on days like today, I resent that. There was never a call, a letter, any indication that she felt bad or even gave it a second thought. Today is a bad day. I will keep moving forward, loving my children for as long as I can and trying to make a difference while I have the chance.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org