October 27th, 2016
Today is a hard day. On Monday, October 17th, I enjoyed a thai massage. My masseuse was excellent and I really felt that I was doing something great for myself. However, as with every treatment I've had seen our car accident in July 2012 (massage, physic, acupuncture, cranio sacral etc), there were consequences to this stimulation.
I haven't been able to feel the back of my head since the accident. I sometimes wake up and my skull is numb, it feels the same as when your arm falls asleep. I have also had vessels burst in my eyes on a regular basis. I visited the eye doctor and he claims my eyes are healthy. He is puzzled by this and suggested I "keep an eye on it".
When I wake up in the morning, my lower back is in pain. I have to roll over and slowly ease myself out of bed. I am in my 40s, what will I be like in my 80s? I also have a sore ovary, it hurts when it's ovulating. This has been an issue since the accident because of the pressure from the seat belt during impact.
Initially, after the crash, I was sleeping most of the day. I was dizzy and nauseous, I experienced headaches (something that had never happened before), I had a sore back and ovary. My mother came to help but I had to function as best I could, as fast as possible because my daughters were at home for the summer.
By the time I received treatment, it was September. I thought I was healing and progressing well but I had no idea how damaged I actually was. I went for a massage and experienced non-stop headaches for two weeks. I promised myself never to do that again. I booked sessions with my physiotherapist. She couldn't do any physical manipulations because my central nervous system was so out of whack. As soon as she started working on me, I would have to run to the washroom and empty my bowel. She used crania-sacral therapy for our sessions together. She added a heating pad, some electrical stimulation and acupuncture as our time together drew to a close. We weren't done healing my brain but the insurance was done paying so I stopped going.
I decided to start working out. I joined a gym, briefed my fitness trainer and we took it slow. I enjoyed the treadmill and did some basic machines to work on my legs and arms (without straining my neck) and floor exercises like lunges and stretches. I had to be careful not to overdo it as I would hit a wall of fatigue and couldn't function for the rest of the day.
I had to adjust my schedule, not driving at night which means my husband now takes the girls to gymnastics, not scheduling clients at night because I am too tired and therefore don't want to try to help people when my brain is not at its best and, drastically reducing my time with our daughters each night. They used to get quality time playing with me 1:1 as well as bath time. We have switched to showers and a story. They still get angry sometimes that I am not the same mommy. They wish we had never been in an accident. Me too.
Why am I re-hashing all of this today? A few days after my thai massage, I started to get a headache. Then I noticed I was grumpy at night, not my usual patient self. I was running out of energy more quickly. If the girls were asking for a snack or wanting me to stay with them until they fell asleep, I was grumpy about it. I wasn't being myself. Then I woke up at night but instead of my head being numb at the back, I was experiencing sensations. This sounds like a good thing but it hurts. I have this aching in the back of my head where the numbness used to be. It's very scary to discover, every time I do anything for my health, that my brain has still not healed. I feel frightened that I'll have a stroke and won't be here or healthy enough to care for my girls. I worry that my brain is turning off and I'll end up with early dementia. This may not sound rational but, on days like today when I feel just how vulnerable I am when it comes to my brain, it feels reasonable to worry.
This is a hard day because I have been out interviewing moms for the book, I have a client scheduled in later today, my daughters have a PD day tomorrow and I have a workshop and a birthday party for my youngest on Saturday. The old me would be very excited, the present me wonders if I'll have the energy for it all. Will I ever NOT feel brain damaged? I don't know. Meanwhile, the young lady who crashed into us, because she was busy texting, is out there, free, unscathed, planning her life and, on days like today, I resent that. There was never a call, a letter, any indication that she felt bad or even gave it a second thought. Today is a bad day. I will keep moving forward, loving my children for as long as I can and trying to make a difference while I have the chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Thursday, 27 October 2016
Thursday, 22 September 2016
Surviving cancer
September 22nd, 2016
A few years ago, I interviewed women who had battled cancer. Each woman was diagnosed with a different cancer and they were all survivors. I decided to write about them to inspire women or men undergoing treatment. My message was, "You can beat this"!
A few months ago, I was thinking about these five strong women and it occurred to me that only two remained. I think two of them are still alive. I have lost touch with them and, honestly, I don't have the heart to look for them in case, they too, have passed.
Today, at Walmart, I ran into the husband of one of the ladies who did not survive. We talked about her, the second diagnosis (the cancer moved to a new location and spread), what the last week of her life was like and, what he was now doing with his life. We each continued our shopping after over an hour of chatting and I bumped into a man who came to the house to help me put up the pool in the Spring. His wife is currently in treatment for cancer. She has completed her radiation treatment but still has a month of chemotherapy before she can ring that bell.
They had been at the hospital earlier that day and she spoke about her treatment in a matter-of-fact tone, clearly used to the processes, explaining the machines and technicalities. This man clearly loves his wife. I pray that she survives and they live to tell the next generation all about it and inspire others.
I couldn't help but wonder, why do some people survive while others do not? You read about "cures" like oxygen therapy, an alkaline diet, the powers of turmeric and other superfoods, the power of cannabis oil is on Facebook every day but people are still dying. It is all so confusing. I read a beautiful book by Bernie Siegel, The Art of Healing, a few years ago because I am an art therapist and he offers art groups for his patients. He talks about the power of symbols in drawings and states that he can tell how patients perceive their cancer and the recommended treatment by what they draw. Drawings can also give a physician additional information about the affected organ, something patients know without it being part of their conscious wisdom.
Dr. Siegel's prescriptions are out of the ordinary. They include art and self expression, interpreting dreams, being in the present, laughing, hanging out with animals and staying positive (words, thoughts, beliefs). He believes that illness often comes from a place of trauma, where the feelings are stuck because they have never been expressed. Dr. Siegel predicts which patients will have a better survival rate on his website www.berniesiegelmd.com, here is a glimpse:
"When people have a sense of meaning in their life, express anger and emotions appropriately in defence of themselves, ask for help from family and friends, participate in their health care decisions, say no to what they choose not to do, find time to do what they enjoy and to play, use their feelings to help them to heal their lives and do not live a role but an authentic life, they will always do better than expected". He also mentions the importance of NOT interpreting their illness as a punishment from GOD.
If you are diagnosed with a cancer, get a journal and some colouring pencils then read through one of Dr. Siegel's books. His exercises are meant to get you thinking about your life and listening to your emotions. The art can help you release painful emotions. Join a group to reduce isolation and focus on what you enjoy. There is no room for negative people in your life. Live fully in the moment, as your authentic self and laugh often. Dealing with a life-threatening illness can result in feeling powerless. These are all things you can do to help heal your life.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
A few years ago, I interviewed women who had battled cancer. Each woman was diagnosed with a different cancer and they were all survivors. I decided to write about them to inspire women or men undergoing treatment. My message was, "You can beat this"!
A few months ago, I was thinking about these five strong women and it occurred to me that only two remained. I think two of them are still alive. I have lost touch with them and, honestly, I don't have the heart to look for them in case, they too, have passed.
Today, at Walmart, I ran into the husband of one of the ladies who did not survive. We talked about her, the second diagnosis (the cancer moved to a new location and spread), what the last week of her life was like and, what he was now doing with his life. We each continued our shopping after over an hour of chatting and I bumped into a man who came to the house to help me put up the pool in the Spring. His wife is currently in treatment for cancer. She has completed her radiation treatment but still has a month of chemotherapy before she can ring that bell.
They had been at the hospital earlier that day and she spoke about her treatment in a matter-of-fact tone, clearly used to the processes, explaining the machines and technicalities. This man clearly loves his wife. I pray that she survives and they live to tell the next generation all about it and inspire others.
I couldn't help but wonder, why do some people survive while others do not? You read about "cures" like oxygen therapy, an alkaline diet, the powers of turmeric and other superfoods, the power of cannabis oil is on Facebook every day but people are still dying. It is all so confusing. I read a beautiful book by Bernie Siegel, The Art of Healing, a few years ago because I am an art therapist and he offers art groups for his patients. He talks about the power of symbols in drawings and states that he can tell how patients perceive their cancer and the recommended treatment by what they draw. Drawings can also give a physician additional information about the affected organ, something patients know without it being part of their conscious wisdom.
Dr. Siegel's prescriptions are out of the ordinary. They include art and self expression, interpreting dreams, being in the present, laughing, hanging out with animals and staying positive (words, thoughts, beliefs). He believes that illness often comes from a place of trauma, where the feelings are stuck because they have never been expressed. Dr. Siegel predicts which patients will have a better survival rate on his website www.berniesiegelmd.com, here is a glimpse:
"When people have a sense of meaning in their life, express anger and emotions appropriately in defence of themselves, ask for help from family and friends, participate in their health care decisions, say no to what they choose not to do, find time to do what they enjoy and to play, use their feelings to help them to heal their lives and do not live a role but an authentic life, they will always do better than expected". He also mentions the importance of NOT interpreting their illness as a punishment from GOD.
If you are diagnosed with a cancer, get a journal and some colouring pencils then read through one of Dr. Siegel's books. His exercises are meant to get you thinking about your life and listening to your emotions. The art can help you release painful emotions. Join a group to reduce isolation and focus on what you enjoy. There is no room for negative people in your life. Live fully in the moment, as your authentic self and laugh often. Dealing with a life-threatening illness can result in feeling powerless. These are all things you can do to help heal your life.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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