December 20th, 2016
My husband is now officially off for the holidays. I spent all of yesterday cleaning up various parts of the house and by the end of the day I had to go to bad at 6:30pm from the exhaustion. It feels like I have been de-cluttering and cleaning for months.
Today, as I was cleaning the refrigerator, a thought kept popping into my mind. Somewhere out there, someone is feeling discouraged and hopeless. Someone will commit suicide before the end of 2016. The statistics on suicide are staggering. It makes me sad and frightens me all at once. I am sad that so many people feel alone and helpless. I feel sad for parents who have lost their son or daughter in such a senseless way. It frightens me because I have two daughters. What if this happens to me? I can't imagine I would survive. One thing is for sure, I would never be the same. Which brings me back to the topic of this post.
If you want to kill yourself and you are reading this, please give me a moment. I know you are in pain. You can't imagine that anyone would care if you were gone. Consider this. Your thoughts are not helping you right now. You feel an urgent need, a desperation to end the pain. However, if you end it all right now, there will never be a better moment. This is as good as your life will ever get. I have met many people who once considered suicide. They are now in a much better place and so grateful that they did not go through with it. Things can only get better if you hang on long enough.
As for the people you leave behind, they will be in pain, riddled with questions, racked with guilt. They will go on with the hole that your death has left in their heart, wondering why you didn't talk to them about how you were feeling. They will be haunted by your absence. Your pain will never go away, it will just be passed on to the people who survive.
So, what can you do about your pain? Reach out to people, those you know, or just compassionate strangers. Go somewhere where you can be surrounded by people. Seek out the company of friends or just head over to a sports game or a movie and see if you can bump into people you know. Sit with your pain. Pain comes in waves. If you choose to ride the wave, know that it will end. When it does, you will have options. Killing yourself leaves no choices.
If you feel nothing but self-loathing, try treating yourself as you would a stranger who is suffering. Be kind and gentle, taking care of your needs (feeding, bathing, sleeping, hugging, calling on others for help). If you can't tell people how you feel because you fear that you will cry and "lose it", write a letter about your pain and share it with someone you trust.
Are you feeling helpless? That means you can't see your power to make your life any better. You may be right. You may not be in a place where you can make the right decisions for yourself. That is why you ask for help. If nothing else, you have the power to choose life, to live on another day and open yourself up to the possibility that life will get better, not just because you stayed alive but because you faced your pain and survived, because you reached out to a friend or stranger and they helped you, because a therapist or health worker shifted your perspective just enough to give you hope.
If you think no one will mourn you, imagine that I tell you I want to die. You don't know me. However, you will be moved by my desperation and you will want me to live because my story isn't finished, there is another chapter right around the corner. I just can't see that right now. Strangers and acquaintances will be hurt by your death. Your family is more than just parents and siblings. Think about your aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces and nephews, all the people whose lives are connected to yours. If you have children, know that your children will always blame themselves. They won't understand. Their lives will be traumatized. Get yourself some support so you can be around to watch them grow and blossom.
Whatever pain you are going through right now will pass. It is temporary. Death is permanent. If you have read this and have a plan in mind to end your life, please dial 911 and ask for help. Once the crisis has passed and you can see your life as filled with possibilities, please write to me and let me know you have faced your wave of pain and come out the other side. I will be happy to hear from you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, 20 December 2016
Thursday, 27 October 2016
Concussion Consequences
October 27th, 2016
Today is a hard day. On Monday, October 17th, I enjoyed a thai massage. My masseuse was excellent and I really felt that I was doing something great for myself. However, as with every treatment I've had seen our car accident in July 2012 (massage, physic, acupuncture, cranio sacral etc), there were consequences to this stimulation.
I haven't been able to feel the back of my head since the accident. I sometimes wake up and my skull is numb, it feels the same as when your arm falls asleep. I have also had vessels burst in my eyes on a regular basis. I visited the eye doctor and he claims my eyes are healthy. He is puzzled by this and suggested I "keep an eye on it".
When I wake up in the morning, my lower back is in pain. I have to roll over and slowly ease myself out of bed. I am in my 40s, what will I be like in my 80s? I also have a sore ovary, it hurts when it's ovulating. This has been an issue since the accident because of the pressure from the seat belt during impact.
Initially, after the crash, I was sleeping most of the day. I was dizzy and nauseous, I experienced headaches (something that had never happened before), I had a sore back and ovary. My mother came to help but I had to function as best I could, as fast as possible because my daughters were at home for the summer.
By the time I received treatment, it was September. I thought I was healing and progressing well but I had no idea how damaged I actually was. I went for a massage and experienced non-stop headaches for two weeks. I promised myself never to do that again. I booked sessions with my physiotherapist. She couldn't do any physical manipulations because my central nervous system was so out of whack. As soon as she started working on me, I would have to run to the washroom and empty my bowel. She used crania-sacral therapy for our sessions together. She added a heating pad, some electrical stimulation and acupuncture as our time together drew to a close. We weren't done healing my brain but the insurance was done paying so I stopped going.
I decided to start working out. I joined a gym, briefed my fitness trainer and we took it slow. I enjoyed the treadmill and did some basic machines to work on my legs and arms (without straining my neck) and floor exercises like lunges and stretches. I had to be careful not to overdo it as I would hit a wall of fatigue and couldn't function for the rest of the day.
I had to adjust my schedule, not driving at night which means my husband now takes the girls to gymnastics, not scheduling clients at night because I am too tired and therefore don't want to try to help people when my brain is not at its best and, drastically reducing my time with our daughters each night. They used to get quality time playing with me 1:1 as well as bath time. We have switched to showers and a story. They still get angry sometimes that I am not the same mommy. They wish we had never been in an accident. Me too.
Why am I re-hashing all of this today? A few days after my thai massage, I started to get a headache. Then I noticed I was grumpy at night, not my usual patient self. I was running out of energy more quickly. If the girls were asking for a snack or wanting me to stay with them until they fell asleep, I was grumpy about it. I wasn't being myself. Then I woke up at night but instead of my head being numb at the back, I was experiencing sensations. This sounds like a good thing but it hurts. I have this aching in the back of my head where the numbness used to be. It's very scary to discover, every time I do anything for my health, that my brain has still not healed. I feel frightened that I'll have a stroke and won't be here or healthy enough to care for my girls. I worry that my brain is turning off and I'll end up with early dementia. This may not sound rational but, on days like today when I feel just how vulnerable I am when it comes to my brain, it feels reasonable to worry.
This is a hard day because I have been out interviewing moms for the book, I have a client scheduled in later today, my daughters have a PD day tomorrow and I have a workshop and a birthday party for my youngest on Saturday. The old me would be very excited, the present me wonders if I'll have the energy for it all. Will I ever NOT feel brain damaged? I don't know. Meanwhile, the young lady who crashed into us, because she was busy texting, is out there, free, unscathed, planning her life and, on days like today, I resent that. There was never a call, a letter, any indication that she felt bad or even gave it a second thought. Today is a bad day. I will keep moving forward, loving my children for as long as I can and trying to make a difference while I have the chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Today is a hard day. On Monday, October 17th, I enjoyed a thai massage. My masseuse was excellent and I really felt that I was doing something great for myself. However, as with every treatment I've had seen our car accident in July 2012 (massage, physic, acupuncture, cranio sacral etc), there were consequences to this stimulation.
I haven't been able to feel the back of my head since the accident. I sometimes wake up and my skull is numb, it feels the same as when your arm falls asleep. I have also had vessels burst in my eyes on a regular basis. I visited the eye doctor and he claims my eyes are healthy. He is puzzled by this and suggested I "keep an eye on it".
When I wake up in the morning, my lower back is in pain. I have to roll over and slowly ease myself out of bed. I am in my 40s, what will I be like in my 80s? I also have a sore ovary, it hurts when it's ovulating. This has been an issue since the accident because of the pressure from the seat belt during impact.
Initially, after the crash, I was sleeping most of the day. I was dizzy and nauseous, I experienced headaches (something that had never happened before), I had a sore back and ovary. My mother came to help but I had to function as best I could, as fast as possible because my daughters were at home for the summer.
By the time I received treatment, it was September. I thought I was healing and progressing well but I had no idea how damaged I actually was. I went for a massage and experienced non-stop headaches for two weeks. I promised myself never to do that again. I booked sessions with my physiotherapist. She couldn't do any physical manipulations because my central nervous system was so out of whack. As soon as she started working on me, I would have to run to the washroom and empty my bowel. She used crania-sacral therapy for our sessions together. She added a heating pad, some electrical stimulation and acupuncture as our time together drew to a close. We weren't done healing my brain but the insurance was done paying so I stopped going.
I decided to start working out. I joined a gym, briefed my fitness trainer and we took it slow. I enjoyed the treadmill and did some basic machines to work on my legs and arms (without straining my neck) and floor exercises like lunges and stretches. I had to be careful not to overdo it as I would hit a wall of fatigue and couldn't function for the rest of the day.
I had to adjust my schedule, not driving at night which means my husband now takes the girls to gymnastics, not scheduling clients at night because I am too tired and therefore don't want to try to help people when my brain is not at its best and, drastically reducing my time with our daughters each night. They used to get quality time playing with me 1:1 as well as bath time. We have switched to showers and a story. They still get angry sometimes that I am not the same mommy. They wish we had never been in an accident. Me too.
Why am I re-hashing all of this today? A few days after my thai massage, I started to get a headache. Then I noticed I was grumpy at night, not my usual patient self. I was running out of energy more quickly. If the girls were asking for a snack or wanting me to stay with them until they fell asleep, I was grumpy about it. I wasn't being myself. Then I woke up at night but instead of my head being numb at the back, I was experiencing sensations. This sounds like a good thing but it hurts. I have this aching in the back of my head where the numbness used to be. It's very scary to discover, every time I do anything for my health, that my brain has still not healed. I feel frightened that I'll have a stroke and won't be here or healthy enough to care for my girls. I worry that my brain is turning off and I'll end up with early dementia. This may not sound rational but, on days like today when I feel just how vulnerable I am when it comes to my brain, it feels reasonable to worry.
This is a hard day because I have been out interviewing moms for the book, I have a client scheduled in later today, my daughters have a PD day tomorrow and I have a workshop and a birthday party for my youngest on Saturday. The old me would be very excited, the present me wonders if I'll have the energy for it all. Will I ever NOT feel brain damaged? I don't know. Meanwhile, the young lady who crashed into us, because she was busy texting, is out there, free, unscathed, planning her life and, on days like today, I resent that. There was never a call, a letter, any indication that she felt bad or even gave it a second thought. Today is a bad day. I will keep moving forward, loving my children for as long as I can and trying to make a difference while I have the chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 16 June 2016
Older and Wiser Women
June 16th, 2016
Today, I went into TLC to look into the price of renting a chair to sit in the shower, a transport wheelchair, a hand-held shower head and many other implements. We are preparing for a visit from my mother-in-law, a vibrant, fun-loving woman who has some health concerns and mobility issues. We want her to be as comfortable as possible during her stay with us.
Stepping into this shop brought me back to my days working in long term care. I was surrounded by geriatric chairs, walkers and quad canes. As I drove away, I started to reminisce about the women I encountered through my work. I spent some time managing a locked unit but before then, I was working as a mobile art therapist travelling from one unit to the next.
I learned so much from the ladies I met at that time. I noticed that their approach to life now reflected the approach they had always had to life. I also got to hear their stories and learn from their successes and mistakes. One lady told me about her husband who neglected her and stressed her out. When this lovely woman had a stroke, that same husband never came to visit her.
I saw so many women who had five children but never had any visitors. Initially, I assumed they must have been an abusive mother or, have somehow alienated their adult children. However, it is so common that I think they can't all be abusive alcoholic moms. There is something else going on here. When I ask about their children, they tell me that they live out of town or have crazy jobs and very little time to visit. It's very sad because someday she won't be there anymore and they'll want to hear her voice or see her face. It'll be too late.
I have made decisions based on what they have shared with me. Here are some things they have taught me:
1-Don't let a man treat you like dirt
2-Communication is key to a successful marriage
3-Do what you love
4-Don't care what others think or say about you
5-Friends are important, make time for them
6-Enjoy your children when they are young, it feels long but it will actually fly by and you'll miss it later
7-Say yes to life, don't sit on the sidelines because you're scared of being judged or because of your weight
8-Spend your money on experiences not on a new shirt, you'll forget about clothing but you'll remember the experience and so will everyone who was with you
9-Be yourself
10-Your health is your most important asset, don't take it for granted
So there you have it, now you know what older, wiser women wish they knew when they were younger. If you follow their advice, you too can get to a ripe old age and pass your wisdom on to the next generation.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Today, I went into TLC to look into the price of renting a chair to sit in the shower, a transport wheelchair, a hand-held shower head and many other implements. We are preparing for a visit from my mother-in-law, a vibrant, fun-loving woman who has some health concerns and mobility issues. We want her to be as comfortable as possible during her stay with us.
Stepping into this shop brought me back to my days working in long term care. I was surrounded by geriatric chairs, walkers and quad canes. As I drove away, I started to reminisce about the women I encountered through my work. I spent some time managing a locked unit but before then, I was working as a mobile art therapist travelling from one unit to the next.
I learned so much from the ladies I met at that time. I noticed that their approach to life now reflected the approach they had always had to life. I also got to hear their stories and learn from their successes and mistakes. One lady told me about her husband who neglected her and stressed her out. When this lovely woman had a stroke, that same husband never came to visit her.
I saw so many women who had five children but never had any visitors. Initially, I assumed they must have been an abusive mother or, have somehow alienated their adult children. However, it is so common that I think they can't all be abusive alcoholic moms. There is something else going on here. When I ask about their children, they tell me that they live out of town or have crazy jobs and very little time to visit. It's very sad because someday she won't be there anymore and they'll want to hear her voice or see her face. It'll be too late.
I have made decisions based on what they have shared with me. Here are some things they have taught me:
1-Don't let a man treat you like dirt
2-Communication is key to a successful marriage
3-Do what you love
4-Don't care what others think or say about you
5-Friends are important, make time for them
6-Enjoy your children when they are young, it feels long but it will actually fly by and you'll miss it later
7-Say yes to life, don't sit on the sidelines because you're scared of being judged or because of your weight
8-Spend your money on experiences not on a new shirt, you'll forget about clothing but you'll remember the experience and so will everyone who was with you
9-Be yourself
10-Your health is your most important asset, don't take it for granted
So there you have it, now you know what older, wiser women wish they knew when they were younger. If you follow their advice, you too can get to a ripe old age and pass your wisdom on to the next generation.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 1 June 2016
Steven Vincent Walsh-Biography
June 1st, 2016
As promised, here is the biography that was gathered over weeks of interviews with my husband, Vincent Walsh.
Vincent was born and raised in Mill Hill, London but his happiest times were in Edgware. He described his mother, Patricia Rosemary Walsh as feisty, funny, anxious, insecure and needy. His father, Edmund Christopher Walsh was creative, violent, mystical, angry and selfish.
Vincent is the eldest of five children. His sister Tracy is considered the most "normal" of the five. Lesley is a self-destructive alcoholic tortured by her relationship with her father. Daryl is a very funny, sweet, emotional guy who was torn into a thousand little pieces. Shelley is emotionally volatile, utterly selfish and given to horrendous mood swings.
As a child, Vincent was secretive and self-protective. "I lived in my own world, created by me. I looked for safety in my grandma's arms. I felt separated from the rest of the family on every level. I wondered what I was doing there most of the time". His favourite activities as a child were being in nature, going to the woods at his Aunt Catherine's house. He also loved getting lost in the woods behind his own home.
When I asked Vincent to share a story about his childhood, this is what he described:
"Every weekend I was released into the warm glow of my grandmother's care. Usually we would take the green line bus from outside of her flat in Edgware all the way down the Edgware road and into the centre of London. We would shop, eat, watch movies and revel in each other's company, the age between us being immaterial. Her flat was always warm and there was always delicious food to eat. Those weekends were what I lived for".
Vincent's home life while growing up was cold, violent, undisciplined and unpredictable. There was very little food and a depressing atmosphere that came from a mixture of fear and neglect. "There was constant fighting between my mother and father whenever he was around, after the fighting he would usually leave and, a little while later, she would find herself pregnant once again. Quite often I would see my mother with at least a black eye and some bruising. My mom slept late into the day even when we were young kids and I believe she was depressed at that time. We moved fairly often but it usually improved (houses and area) when we did".
"School offered me a respite from the calamities at home. I didn't like it that much. To me it seemed slow and pointless but somehow I was good at it. So good in fact that, in my second year of secondary school, two of my teachers perceived the damage that home life was inflicting on me and offered me a scholarship at a private school which I refused mostly because I felt that I stood out enough as it was already and, at a private school in London in 1969, I would have been the object of ridicule. As much for my undisciplined upbringing and my obvious working class roots. So I stayed where I was unwillingly and tolerated the mayhem until the soonest possible moment that I could escape both school and home".
During Vin's teen life, "London was evolving from decades of repression, sexually and socially and, the newfound morals of my generation were at utter odds to the ones that came before as it is with most generations and with good reason. Music, fashion and hairstyles, which were all closely intertwined at this point, was like total catnip to me. There were a few head turning acts at this time. But, none had the shock value, charisma, raw sexuality and talent of David Bowie. The added bonus was that my mother utterly hated him on sight thereby cementing my adoration and lifelong fanaticism. My personal rebellion was more in the form of doing everything and anything I could to be absolutely nothing like my family. This meant working and having a dream with a path attached to it which I follow to this day".
When it came time to choose a career, Vincent explains that: "At the end of the 60s and into the early 70s, the irresistible combined forces of the genius of Vidal Sassoon and the visceral pull of David Bowie left me unable to resist. Within them I found a nexus of freedom, creativity and rebellion that unlocked me. I became a hairstylist in 1972 and it has been the glue that held together my sometimes wobbly existence. It has provided me with food, clothing and shelter, stereophonic sound and technicolor daydreams. I owe far more to it than it ill ever owe to me. I have never been bored yet remain almost always mildly frustrated".
As a young adult, Vincent's aspirations were as follows:"I dreamed of being an astronaut first when I was 12 after staying up all night to watch Neil Armstrong land on the moon which, for me of course, was never going to happen. After I had been abducted by Bowie and Sassoon, my path became clearer and so did my dreams. I wanted to build a life on the foundation of working as much as possible and travelling every chance I got. I wanted to flee the sinking ship that was mid-70s England-crewed by my family. My first thought was South Africa but the widespread social violence of apartheid was too daunting. Then my thoughts roamed to Australia but it was simply too far away. Then, Canada...
Next, I asked Vincent about his love life. It was weird to hear him describe our relationship. "I first met my wife when she came and sat in my chair. I was deep in the weeds of feeling sorry for myself after a disorienting long-term relationship with a serial bolster and I was still licking my wounds so I resisted a very strong urge to ask her out on a date which I overcame with confidence a few months later". I listened intently as Vincent talked about our wedding day. "It had rained for almost two solid weeks leading up to the wedding day. Everything was drenched, wet and cold. The ceremony was due to be performed in the morning of Sunday, August the 15th, at a beautiful victorian farm house. As providence would have it the skies cleared the day before and the sun shone making everything absolutely perfect. This may have something to do with the French tradition of hanging a rosary on the washing line for good weather which worked like magic. It was slightly surreal in its perfection. After the short but delicate and beautiful ceremony, we socially lubricated our 55 guests with much champagne while we went off and had our pictures taken. The whole affair was sublime, gentle and perfect. So much so that we both agreed-wouldn't it be great if we could do it all again?
Our honeymoon was carefree days and nights at the Chateau Montebello where we ate and drank to our heart's content and thought about our future. Neither of us could comprehend at that moment. It remains set in stone as the bedrock four our lives. It will never be less than it was. My wife came to me in the early hours of the morning one day telling me that she had taken pregnancy test and that she was indeed pregnant. My response was a very excited: 'Show me!'.
Becoming a parent made me aware of how selfish I had been before having children and the almost overwhelming changes that would have to occur if I was going to become the parent I wanted to be. Becoming a parent emotionally brought me to my knees and I had to learn again how to stand then walk then run. I had never felt the depth of feelings that I have felt for my children and that scared the living daylights out of me. They are my world and I live for and through them. Only when I remembered what it was like to be child did I know how to become a man".
Vin's fondest memories of that time in his life: "The most powerful thing was in the first year, watching a new human being adapt and grow to the world around them, seeing a child take the first steps, eating new food and learning how to communicate were remarkable on a level I had never experienced before. It grabbed me by the heart and by the brain and didn't let go". I asked Vincent was he was most proud of regarding his parenting. "The learned ability to leave behind what had happened to me and try and give the children a chance in life that I'd never had, to hope". Asked what he would do differently..."I have to say that's a loaded question because of the experiences I have both from my childhood and early adulthood, I have plenty of scar tissue that I couldn't hide any longer but I realized that everything that happened to me led me to where I am today. So, in conclusion, I wouldn't change a thing, no regrets, only memories".
Vin describes his biggest accomplishment in life as: "Staying alive, learning, growing, facing and overcoming obstacles, being a father and a husband, learning who I was and enjoying life". His only regrets in life are: "I wanted to be an astronaut and a rock star, the rest is still up for grabs". I asked my husband if he is satisfied with his life so far. His response was: " Satisfied is not a descriptive enough term in my opinion. I am leaning more towards happy and delighted. It seems to me there is a smugness in 'satisfaction' and that is not what I am feeling".
The only thing Vincent would like to change about his current life is that he'd like to live in a warm climate "anytime now please"! I asked Vincent how he felt about aging. "The fact that my father died at 41 coloured my view before and after I reached that age. Before 41 I was terrified that the same fate would befall me. Leading away from it, every day became a gift and irreplaceable. But, in the words of someone much older and wiser than me, 'Everything I have two of, one of them hurts', that's aging.
There have been many teachers in my life. Some of them have inadvertently given me survival skills but only one cherished and nurtured me when I needed it the most and that was my paternal grandmother, Mary, whom I still miss to this day and I always will.
I have a really close friendship with a friend of mine, David, who was tortured and abused horribly by his father. It took us almost the entire course of our 50+ year relationship to come to terms with the abuse and to learn to talk about it with each other which was a great relief to both of us and cemented our relationship even further.
Another friend of mine is Lawrence. We've been friends for over 30 years. He has a 6 year old daughter which made him really shine in the past few years. He knows a lot of my shadows and he still chooses to be a friend of mine-I like that, that to me is cool. I don't seek out new friendships generally, I prefer them to happen organically whenever possible but I've recently embraced a friendship with someone who has all the hallmarks for the long haul. Welcome aboard, Daniel, Brother"!
Vincent reflected on the turning points in his life. "First one I think would have to be leaving school. It was a monotonous torture, doled out with violent military precision by former WW2 officers masquerading as teachers. The next would be leaving England for Canada on my own with not even a clue of what I was doing or where I was going. Opening up my first business and swopping out tyrannical overlord status was up next. A failed marriage to humble me and a happy one to reward me. The children were the cherry, the icing-and the cream filling all wrapped up in one".
What lessons would Vincent like to communicate to the next generation? "Don't worry so much. Problems come and problems go. Love is forever. Worry is temporary. Eat the dessert, drink the wine, jump in the ocean, one day you won't be able to do those things and you'll wish you had. Remember, memories-no regrets. I'd like to be remembered for trying and eventually succeeding to live life on my own terms. For being the best father and husband that I could possibly be and seeing the rewards in another generation".
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
As promised, here is the biography that was gathered over weeks of interviews with my husband, Vincent Walsh.
Vincent was born and raised in Mill Hill, London but his happiest times were in Edgware. He described his mother, Patricia Rosemary Walsh as feisty, funny, anxious, insecure and needy. His father, Edmund Christopher Walsh was creative, violent, mystical, angry and selfish.
Vincent is the eldest of five children. His sister Tracy is considered the most "normal" of the five. Lesley is a self-destructive alcoholic tortured by her relationship with her father. Daryl is a very funny, sweet, emotional guy who was torn into a thousand little pieces. Shelley is emotionally volatile, utterly selfish and given to horrendous mood swings.
As a child, Vincent was secretive and self-protective. "I lived in my own world, created by me. I looked for safety in my grandma's arms. I felt separated from the rest of the family on every level. I wondered what I was doing there most of the time". His favourite activities as a child were being in nature, going to the woods at his Aunt Catherine's house. He also loved getting lost in the woods behind his own home.
When I asked Vincent to share a story about his childhood, this is what he described:
"Every weekend I was released into the warm glow of my grandmother's care. Usually we would take the green line bus from outside of her flat in Edgware all the way down the Edgware road and into the centre of London. We would shop, eat, watch movies and revel in each other's company, the age between us being immaterial. Her flat was always warm and there was always delicious food to eat. Those weekends were what I lived for".
Vincent's home life while growing up was cold, violent, undisciplined and unpredictable. There was very little food and a depressing atmosphere that came from a mixture of fear and neglect. "There was constant fighting between my mother and father whenever he was around, after the fighting he would usually leave and, a little while later, she would find herself pregnant once again. Quite often I would see my mother with at least a black eye and some bruising. My mom slept late into the day even when we were young kids and I believe she was depressed at that time. We moved fairly often but it usually improved (houses and area) when we did".
"School offered me a respite from the calamities at home. I didn't like it that much. To me it seemed slow and pointless but somehow I was good at it. So good in fact that, in my second year of secondary school, two of my teachers perceived the damage that home life was inflicting on me and offered me a scholarship at a private school which I refused mostly because I felt that I stood out enough as it was already and, at a private school in London in 1969, I would have been the object of ridicule. As much for my undisciplined upbringing and my obvious working class roots. So I stayed where I was unwillingly and tolerated the mayhem until the soonest possible moment that I could escape both school and home".
During Vin's teen life, "London was evolving from decades of repression, sexually and socially and, the newfound morals of my generation were at utter odds to the ones that came before as it is with most generations and with good reason. Music, fashion and hairstyles, which were all closely intertwined at this point, was like total catnip to me. There were a few head turning acts at this time. But, none had the shock value, charisma, raw sexuality and talent of David Bowie. The added bonus was that my mother utterly hated him on sight thereby cementing my adoration and lifelong fanaticism. My personal rebellion was more in the form of doing everything and anything I could to be absolutely nothing like my family. This meant working and having a dream with a path attached to it which I follow to this day".
When it came time to choose a career, Vincent explains that: "At the end of the 60s and into the early 70s, the irresistible combined forces of the genius of Vidal Sassoon and the visceral pull of David Bowie left me unable to resist. Within them I found a nexus of freedom, creativity and rebellion that unlocked me. I became a hairstylist in 1972 and it has been the glue that held together my sometimes wobbly existence. It has provided me with food, clothing and shelter, stereophonic sound and technicolor daydreams. I owe far more to it than it ill ever owe to me. I have never been bored yet remain almost always mildly frustrated".
As a young adult, Vincent's aspirations were as follows:"I dreamed of being an astronaut first when I was 12 after staying up all night to watch Neil Armstrong land on the moon which, for me of course, was never going to happen. After I had been abducted by Bowie and Sassoon, my path became clearer and so did my dreams. I wanted to build a life on the foundation of working as much as possible and travelling every chance I got. I wanted to flee the sinking ship that was mid-70s England-crewed by my family. My first thought was South Africa but the widespread social violence of apartheid was too daunting. Then my thoughts roamed to Australia but it was simply too far away. Then, Canada...
Next, I asked Vincent about his love life. It was weird to hear him describe our relationship. "I first met my wife when she came and sat in my chair. I was deep in the weeds of feeling sorry for myself after a disorienting long-term relationship with a serial bolster and I was still licking my wounds so I resisted a very strong urge to ask her out on a date which I overcame with confidence a few months later". I listened intently as Vincent talked about our wedding day. "It had rained for almost two solid weeks leading up to the wedding day. Everything was drenched, wet and cold. The ceremony was due to be performed in the morning of Sunday, August the 15th, at a beautiful victorian farm house. As providence would have it the skies cleared the day before and the sun shone making everything absolutely perfect. This may have something to do with the French tradition of hanging a rosary on the washing line for good weather which worked like magic. It was slightly surreal in its perfection. After the short but delicate and beautiful ceremony, we socially lubricated our 55 guests with much champagne while we went off and had our pictures taken. The whole affair was sublime, gentle and perfect. So much so that we both agreed-wouldn't it be great if we could do it all again?
Our honeymoon was carefree days and nights at the Chateau Montebello where we ate and drank to our heart's content and thought about our future. Neither of us could comprehend at that moment. It remains set in stone as the bedrock four our lives. It will never be less than it was. My wife came to me in the early hours of the morning one day telling me that she had taken pregnancy test and that she was indeed pregnant. My response was a very excited: 'Show me!'.
Becoming a parent made me aware of how selfish I had been before having children and the almost overwhelming changes that would have to occur if I was going to become the parent I wanted to be. Becoming a parent emotionally brought me to my knees and I had to learn again how to stand then walk then run. I had never felt the depth of feelings that I have felt for my children and that scared the living daylights out of me. They are my world and I live for and through them. Only when I remembered what it was like to be child did I know how to become a man".
Vin's fondest memories of that time in his life: "The most powerful thing was in the first year, watching a new human being adapt and grow to the world around them, seeing a child take the first steps, eating new food and learning how to communicate were remarkable on a level I had never experienced before. It grabbed me by the heart and by the brain and didn't let go". I asked Vincent was he was most proud of regarding his parenting. "The learned ability to leave behind what had happened to me and try and give the children a chance in life that I'd never had, to hope". Asked what he would do differently..."I have to say that's a loaded question because of the experiences I have both from my childhood and early adulthood, I have plenty of scar tissue that I couldn't hide any longer but I realized that everything that happened to me led me to where I am today. So, in conclusion, I wouldn't change a thing, no regrets, only memories".
Vin describes his biggest accomplishment in life as: "Staying alive, learning, growing, facing and overcoming obstacles, being a father and a husband, learning who I was and enjoying life". His only regrets in life are: "I wanted to be an astronaut and a rock star, the rest is still up for grabs". I asked my husband if he is satisfied with his life so far. His response was: " Satisfied is not a descriptive enough term in my opinion. I am leaning more towards happy and delighted. It seems to me there is a smugness in 'satisfaction' and that is not what I am feeling".
The only thing Vincent would like to change about his current life is that he'd like to live in a warm climate "anytime now please"! I asked Vincent how he felt about aging. "The fact that my father died at 41 coloured my view before and after I reached that age. Before 41 I was terrified that the same fate would befall me. Leading away from it, every day became a gift and irreplaceable. But, in the words of someone much older and wiser than me, 'Everything I have two of, one of them hurts', that's aging.
There have been many teachers in my life. Some of them have inadvertently given me survival skills but only one cherished and nurtured me when I needed it the most and that was my paternal grandmother, Mary, whom I still miss to this day and I always will.
I have a really close friendship with a friend of mine, David, who was tortured and abused horribly by his father. It took us almost the entire course of our 50+ year relationship to come to terms with the abuse and to learn to talk about it with each other which was a great relief to both of us and cemented our relationship even further.
Another friend of mine is Lawrence. We've been friends for over 30 years. He has a 6 year old daughter which made him really shine in the past few years. He knows a lot of my shadows and he still chooses to be a friend of mine-I like that, that to me is cool. I don't seek out new friendships generally, I prefer them to happen organically whenever possible but I've recently embraced a friendship with someone who has all the hallmarks for the long haul. Welcome aboard, Daniel, Brother"!
Vincent reflected on the turning points in his life. "First one I think would have to be leaving school. It was a monotonous torture, doled out with violent military precision by former WW2 officers masquerading as teachers. The next would be leaving England for Canada on my own with not even a clue of what I was doing or where I was going. Opening up my first business and swopping out tyrannical overlord status was up next. A failed marriage to humble me and a happy one to reward me. The children were the cherry, the icing-and the cream filling all wrapped up in one".
What lessons would Vincent like to communicate to the next generation? "Don't worry so much. Problems come and problems go. Love is forever. Worry is temporary. Eat the dessert, drink the wine, jump in the ocean, one day you won't be able to do those things and you'll wish you had. Remember, memories-no regrets. I'd like to be remembered for trying and eventually succeeding to live life on my own terms. For being the best father and husband that I could possibly be and seeing the rewards in another generation".
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 1 March 2016
Iris Apfel
March 1st, 2016
For the past two weeks, the snow storms have kept me home. Unable to get out and meet exciting women to interview, I wrote about Louise Bourgeois last week and now, I'd like to present Iris Apfel. If you work in the fashion industry, then you already know her. However, I will hazard a guess that some of you have never heard of her, I hadn't, but you should.
Last night, my husband and I watched a documentary about this amazing woman. She is 94 years old and lives in New York. At first, I stared at the tv screen, stunned by this larger-than-life woman. She was wearing bright colours, furs, hats, large black-rimmed glasses and massive jewelry. She doesn't like tiny, precious jewelry. She prefers bold pieces that make a statement. Her home is a museum of sorts with wall to wall designer outfits and chunky jewelry from all over the world.
She spoke of her desire to wear jeans when she was younger. She was told that women don't wear jeans. She insisted and, eventually, the store owner sent her a pair of boys' jeans. She wore them and loved it. She accessorized and made them trendy. Throughout the documentary, you can see photographs of her travels. She has been all over the world, purchasing fabrics and jewelry. She explains how to barter with merchants, how they are disappointed if you pay without negotiating the price.
They show her in her 90s, visiting fashion sets where young models wear her combinations of clothing and accessories or, getting dolled-up for a photos shoot. She shops around for new items of clothing or to add to her collection of eclectic jewelry. Her husband, obviously dressed by her, sits and waits, occasionally weighing in on one of her purchases. He is a sweet man, talking about his love for his wife and confirming that he could never get bored with Iris as his wife.
She worked in the fashion world and as an interior designer. She and her husband owned a design company and were requested to help decorate the White House on many occasions. When The Met called her because an exhibit they had planned fell through, she put together an exhibit of her designer fashions and accessories. They promoted the exhibit through word of mouth and it was extremely well received. So much so that Iris became famous. She still receives 50 calls a day from media wanting her to attend an event, a photoshoot or, requesting an interview. I loved watching this woman, doing what she loves with her devoted husband at her side, shopping with her assistant, haggling with store merchants, dressed up in full garb.
When I grow old, I want to be active and passionate, wild, colourful and eccentric just like Iris Apfel.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
For the past two weeks, the snow storms have kept me home. Unable to get out and meet exciting women to interview, I wrote about Louise Bourgeois last week and now, I'd like to present Iris Apfel. If you work in the fashion industry, then you already know her. However, I will hazard a guess that some of you have never heard of her, I hadn't, but you should.
Last night, my husband and I watched a documentary about this amazing woman. She is 94 years old and lives in New York. At first, I stared at the tv screen, stunned by this larger-than-life woman. She was wearing bright colours, furs, hats, large black-rimmed glasses and massive jewelry. She doesn't like tiny, precious jewelry. She prefers bold pieces that make a statement. Her home is a museum of sorts with wall to wall designer outfits and chunky jewelry from all over the world.
She spoke of her desire to wear jeans when she was younger. She was told that women don't wear jeans. She insisted and, eventually, the store owner sent her a pair of boys' jeans. She wore them and loved it. She accessorized and made them trendy. Throughout the documentary, you can see photographs of her travels. She has been all over the world, purchasing fabrics and jewelry. She explains how to barter with merchants, how they are disappointed if you pay without negotiating the price.
They show her in her 90s, visiting fashion sets where young models wear her combinations of clothing and accessories or, getting dolled-up for a photos shoot. She shops around for new items of clothing or to add to her collection of eclectic jewelry. Her husband, obviously dressed by her, sits and waits, occasionally weighing in on one of her purchases. He is a sweet man, talking about his love for his wife and confirming that he could never get bored with Iris as his wife.
She worked in the fashion world and as an interior designer. She and her husband owned a design company and were requested to help decorate the White House on many occasions. When The Met called her because an exhibit they had planned fell through, she put together an exhibit of her designer fashions and accessories. They promoted the exhibit through word of mouth and it was extremely well received. So much so that Iris became famous. She still receives 50 calls a day from media wanting her to attend an event, a photoshoot or, requesting an interview. I loved watching this woman, doing what she loves with her devoted husband at her side, shopping with her assistant, haggling with store merchants, dressed up in full garb.
When I grow old, I want to be active and passionate, wild, colourful and eccentric just like Iris Apfel.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Saturday, 30 January 2016
Book of the Week: The Not So Big Life
January 30th, 2016
Sarah Susanka is an architect. She helps people design their homes to reflect their values, bring out the space's potential and, incorporate areas where her clients can participate in the activities they enjoy.
She is also the author of, The Not So Big Life, a self-help book that applies these same principles of design to help individuals create a life that reflects who they are: their passion, values and interests.
I have read this book several times and I go over my notes every year to ensure that I am on track. The premise of this book is that people's lives are too big, too fast and overwhelming. We may want a simpler life but, without a "blueprint", it can be difficult to see which changes will bring about the desired outcome. Without a clear plan, our actions only complicate our life, making it even bigger.
Some of the principles that are transferable from the world of home design are as follows:
1-As stated in the previous paragraph, we need a blueprint. Homes can feel cramped when they are divided into small rooms and hallways. An obvious solution is to take down walls and open up the space. If we "compartmentalize" our life, keeping work, family and socializing separate, life feels tight and disjointed. The key is to remove barriers and connect the various compartments of our lives so we can move fluidly from one aspect to the other. The clearer we get about our intentions and values, the easier it is to see how every activity is linked. What are your values and intentions?
2-When designing a home, Sarah asks clients to find images in magazines that inspire them. You can do the same as you design your life. Notice the people, activities and places that fill and energize you. Create a vision board, covered in images that reflect your preferences.
3-As Susan works with clients to re-design an existing home, she needs a clear idea of what isn't working for them, then she explores the underlying issues involved. When people complain about the quality of their life, they may know what they do and don't want to do. However, they often believe that change isn't possible due to a lack of time to include activities they love. This book shows them how to manage time in order to fit more of these activities into their daily life. Create a schedule of your life. What do you do throughout the day over the course of a week? Analyze where your time is going. Is there anything in there you can remove to make room for more meaningful activities?
4-Real estate agents know how detrimental it can be when a home is cluttered with too much furniture and trinkets. It makes each room look tiny. In a similar fashion, patterns and conditioned responses keep individuals in situations that cause tension, frustration and conflict. Through self-observation, people recognize that it's not the people in their life who need to change. It is their own perceptions and patterns that must be challenged. Keep a log of your interactions and reactions. If it had nothing to do with anyone else, what would it mean? What can you learn from these observations?
5-Everyone knows what their dream home looks like. Sarah's clients are encouraged to dream big and so are you. By journalling your dreams at night, you can start to gain some insight and direction in your life. Dreams reveal a great deal about your inner conflicts and the beliefs that may be holding you back. Sarah provides a good tip which is to remember that every character in your dream represents an aspect of yourself. Sarah suggests you keep a journal next to your bed so you can write what you remember when you wake up.
6-It can be difficult for architects to communicate their vision for a completed project. Clients are used to seeing the house in one way and they have become blind to the home's potential. The same is true of people who can not get beyond their current reality. They are unable to see what is possible for their life. It takes practise to visualize life as it could be. Pay attention to what you want, do not focus on what you do NOT want. Have clear intentions and follow your passions. Document synchronicity.
7-The creative process of design is all about gathering information, preparing materials, schedules and staff then engaging in the creative process without trying to control it. In real life, you need to set an intention, do your homework and surrender. Things will happen in their own way. The author warns against "rope pushing" when we try to make things happen before they are ready. Instead, we can be receptive to guidance and practice non-attachment.
8-You need to create a space for the activities you enjoy in your home. You also need to devote a time and space in your day just to "be", to meditate, to think, to enjoy your own presence and access awareness. Find a space (I use my walk-in closet), where you can be alone every day for 20+ minutes. Set a time for it and commit to showing up. Then open your journal and document observations.
9-If you have ever renovated part of your home, you know that things rarely go as planned. You can't fight it but you can "focus on what's in front of you". That is how you keep moving forward as opposed to getting stressed out, worn out and stuck. Practise seeing all obstacles as learning opportunities. What can I learn from this experience? Surrender to the process.
10-There is so much work that needs to happen to provide a structure that supports your home. It may feel that your build is not progressing when suddenly everything falls into place and you see that the end product is within reach. As you apply the principles of this book to your life, you will see tiny shifts and, eventually, you will be blown away by the quality of your life. You feel happier, balanced, aware and rested. It's a good idea to journal as you engage in this process because when you read over your notes at a later date, you will be able to see how your attitude and life changed over time.
11-When you move into a new house, you need manuals to help you learn how to work the various systems in your home. The Appendix of this book helps you create a manual to stay on track and review this process annually. Read this book, take notes, keep a journal and apply what you have learned. Every year, as you go through the questions, you will notice a shift and then, you can set new goals for yourself.
12-Clients often assume they need to move in order to live in their dream home. However, it's possible to create their dream home within their current house. People may believe they can't feel happy and fulfilled, as long as they live in their hometown or stay in the same job or remain married to their current partner. However, everything they need is within them. It's a matter of paying attention and being receptive. If you want to change the world, ask yourself if you'd like to see a parallel change in yourself. Pay attention to your stories about yourself, about others and about the world. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities. What can you do right now to move forward?
Hopefully, these notes have stirred something within you and you feel inspired to read the book. You may even want to go over each chapter with a group of friends. Either way, taking the time to learn and practise the strategies in this book will improve your life enormously. Happy reading!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sarah Susanka is an architect. She helps people design their homes to reflect their values, bring out the space's potential and, incorporate areas where her clients can participate in the activities they enjoy.
She is also the author of, The Not So Big Life, a self-help book that applies these same principles of design to help individuals create a life that reflects who they are: their passion, values and interests.
I have read this book several times and I go over my notes every year to ensure that I am on track. The premise of this book is that people's lives are too big, too fast and overwhelming. We may want a simpler life but, without a "blueprint", it can be difficult to see which changes will bring about the desired outcome. Without a clear plan, our actions only complicate our life, making it even bigger.
Some of the principles that are transferable from the world of home design are as follows:
1-As stated in the previous paragraph, we need a blueprint. Homes can feel cramped when they are divided into small rooms and hallways. An obvious solution is to take down walls and open up the space. If we "compartmentalize" our life, keeping work, family and socializing separate, life feels tight and disjointed. The key is to remove barriers and connect the various compartments of our lives so we can move fluidly from one aspect to the other. The clearer we get about our intentions and values, the easier it is to see how every activity is linked. What are your values and intentions?
2-When designing a home, Sarah asks clients to find images in magazines that inspire them. You can do the same as you design your life. Notice the people, activities and places that fill and energize you. Create a vision board, covered in images that reflect your preferences.
3-As Susan works with clients to re-design an existing home, she needs a clear idea of what isn't working for them, then she explores the underlying issues involved. When people complain about the quality of their life, they may know what they do and don't want to do. However, they often believe that change isn't possible due to a lack of time to include activities they love. This book shows them how to manage time in order to fit more of these activities into their daily life. Create a schedule of your life. What do you do throughout the day over the course of a week? Analyze where your time is going. Is there anything in there you can remove to make room for more meaningful activities?
4-Real estate agents know how detrimental it can be when a home is cluttered with too much furniture and trinkets. It makes each room look tiny. In a similar fashion, patterns and conditioned responses keep individuals in situations that cause tension, frustration and conflict. Through self-observation, people recognize that it's not the people in their life who need to change. It is their own perceptions and patterns that must be challenged. Keep a log of your interactions and reactions. If it had nothing to do with anyone else, what would it mean? What can you learn from these observations?
5-Everyone knows what their dream home looks like. Sarah's clients are encouraged to dream big and so are you. By journalling your dreams at night, you can start to gain some insight and direction in your life. Dreams reveal a great deal about your inner conflicts and the beliefs that may be holding you back. Sarah provides a good tip which is to remember that every character in your dream represents an aspect of yourself. Sarah suggests you keep a journal next to your bed so you can write what you remember when you wake up.
6-It can be difficult for architects to communicate their vision for a completed project. Clients are used to seeing the house in one way and they have become blind to the home's potential. The same is true of people who can not get beyond their current reality. They are unable to see what is possible for their life. It takes practise to visualize life as it could be. Pay attention to what you want, do not focus on what you do NOT want. Have clear intentions and follow your passions. Document synchronicity.
7-The creative process of design is all about gathering information, preparing materials, schedules and staff then engaging in the creative process without trying to control it. In real life, you need to set an intention, do your homework and surrender. Things will happen in their own way. The author warns against "rope pushing" when we try to make things happen before they are ready. Instead, we can be receptive to guidance and practice non-attachment.
8-You need to create a space for the activities you enjoy in your home. You also need to devote a time and space in your day just to "be", to meditate, to think, to enjoy your own presence and access awareness. Find a space (I use my walk-in closet), where you can be alone every day for 20+ minutes. Set a time for it and commit to showing up. Then open your journal and document observations.
9-If you have ever renovated part of your home, you know that things rarely go as planned. You can't fight it but you can "focus on what's in front of you". That is how you keep moving forward as opposed to getting stressed out, worn out and stuck. Practise seeing all obstacles as learning opportunities. What can I learn from this experience? Surrender to the process.
10-There is so much work that needs to happen to provide a structure that supports your home. It may feel that your build is not progressing when suddenly everything falls into place and you see that the end product is within reach. As you apply the principles of this book to your life, you will see tiny shifts and, eventually, you will be blown away by the quality of your life. You feel happier, balanced, aware and rested. It's a good idea to journal as you engage in this process because when you read over your notes at a later date, you will be able to see how your attitude and life changed over time.
11-When you move into a new house, you need manuals to help you learn how to work the various systems in your home. The Appendix of this book helps you create a manual to stay on track and review this process annually. Read this book, take notes, keep a journal and apply what you have learned. Every year, as you go through the questions, you will notice a shift and then, you can set new goals for yourself.
12-Clients often assume they need to move in order to live in their dream home. However, it's possible to create their dream home within their current house. People may believe they can't feel happy and fulfilled, as long as they live in their hometown or stay in the same job or remain married to their current partner. However, everything they need is within them. It's a matter of paying attention and being receptive. If you want to change the world, ask yourself if you'd like to see a parallel change in yourself. Pay attention to your stories about yourself, about others and about the world. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities. What can you do right now to move forward?
Hopefully, these notes have stirred something within you and you feel inspired to read the book. You may even want to go over each chapter with a group of friends. Either way, taking the time to learn and practise the strategies in this book will improve your life enormously. Happy reading!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)