Mothers Without Babies

October 17th, 2016

Did you know that October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day? I didn't, until my mother saw an article in the Ottawa Metro Newspaper and brought it to my attention. I read the article and learned that "2,700 mothers... deliver stillborn babies every year in Canada". That is a huge number! Why do we not know about this? Also, I learned that parents lose their maternity benefits right away when the baby dies and only have ten days off work before they are expected to return. This is insane! Can you imagine the trauma of a miscarriage or stillbirth followed by a routine day at the office? You need to grieve and have a burial or ceremony but you're back at work dealing with people's questions and, sometimes, insensitive comments.

The thought of mothers leaving the hospital empty handed hits a nerve with me. When I was born, my mother's parents did not approve of her keeping me. I was bi-racial, she wasn't married and she could not afford to raise me on her own. My grandmother had raised five children and she feared that I would become her responsibility. My grandparents told my mother she could come home but not with a baby. Therefore, immediately after birth, I was taken away to an orphanage. It would be months before my mother was able to prove to Children's Aid that she was a responsible adult able to care for her child. My mother told me how difficult it was to leave the hospital without me. She wasn't able to breastfeed, she had to take medication to dry up her milk supply. Her breasts were engorged and painful. She went back to work where she was harassed and judged. I feel for her. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry, that we would be ok.

I have counselled women who have lost a child but I've never had a client who delivered a stillborn. That is why the statistic surprised me. One more thing I learned about in the article is how fathers are excluded from the grieving process. They have also experienced a loss but they are forgotten, neglected. This is sad. If the wife is grieving and getting support from loved ones but the husband is not included in the grieving process, it could impact their relationship. He may not want to try again if she is ever ready to do so. He may resent her for not including him in the process. She may feel angry if she feels that he is not supportive, not realizing that he has withdrawn due to pain and lack of support, not because he is indifferent. There is a huge need to educate the public about this. Luckily, there is an excellent resource for families who have lost a child, http://pailnetwork.ca.

When I was a university student, I worked with a woman in her forties who had an abortion in her twenties. One day, we had our break together and she told me about her daughter. She thought about her every day. She dreamed about her at night. She described what her daughter looked like, she aged in her dreams just as she would have if she had lived. I have encountered a great deal of women who complain of chronic pain. They come and see me for art therapy and we get to see the link between an abortion or miscarriage and the pain they were talking about. Once they tell me their story and create art to gain closure, the pain subsides.

That is just one more reason to include stories of loss in my upcoming book, The Mommy Monologues. I hope to share stories that will inspire mothers in all sorts of situations to speak to people about their experience and ask for support because they know they are not alone.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org