Mothers Without Babies

October 17th, 2016

Did you know that October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day? I didn't, until my mother saw an article in the Ottawa Metro Newspaper and brought it to my attention. I read the article and learned that "2,700 mothers... deliver stillborn babies every year in Canada". That is a huge number! Why do we not know about this? Also, I learned that parents lose their maternity benefits right away when the baby dies and only have ten days off work before they are expected to return. This is insane! Can you imagine the trauma of a miscarriage or stillbirth followed by a routine day at the office? You need to grieve and have a burial or ceremony but you're back at work dealing with people's questions and, sometimes, insensitive comments.

The thought of mothers leaving the hospital empty handed hits a nerve with me. When I was born, my mother's parents did not approve of her keeping me. I was bi-racial, she wasn't married and she could not afford to raise me on her own. My grandmother had raised five children and she feared that I would become her responsibility. My grandparents told my mother she could come home but not with a baby. Therefore, immediately after birth, I was taken away to an orphanage. It would be months before my mother was able to prove to Children's Aid that she was a responsible adult able to care for her child. My mother told me how difficult it was to leave the hospital without me. She wasn't able to breastfeed, she had to take medication to dry up her milk supply. Her breasts were engorged and painful. She went back to work where she was harassed and judged. I feel for her. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry, that we would be ok.

I have counselled women who have lost a child but I've never had a client who delivered a stillborn. That is why the statistic surprised me. One more thing I learned about in the article is how fathers are excluded from the grieving process. They have also experienced a loss but they are forgotten, neglected. This is sad. If the wife is grieving and getting support from loved ones but the husband is not included in the grieving process, it could impact their relationship. He may not want to try again if she is ever ready to do so. He may resent her for not including him in the process. She may feel angry if she feels that he is not supportive, not realizing that he has withdrawn due to pain and lack of support, not because he is indifferent. There is a huge need to educate the public about this. Luckily, there is an excellent resource for families who have lost a child, http://pailnetwork.ca.

When I was a university student, I worked with a woman in her forties who had an abortion in her twenties. One day, we had our break together and she told me about her daughter. She thought about her every day. She dreamed about her at night. She described what her daughter looked like, she aged in her dreams just as she would have if she had lived. I have encountered a great deal of women who complain of chronic pain. They come and see me for art therapy and we get to see the link between an abortion or miscarriage and the pain they were talking about. Once they tell me their story and create art to gain closure, the pain subsides.

That is just one more reason to include stories of loss in my upcoming book, The Mommy Monologues. I hope to share stories that will inspire mothers in all sorts of situations to speak to people about their experience and ask for support because they know they are not alone.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org

Father's Day

June 17th, 2016

I never knew my father. As a child, on Father's Day I either created a card for my uncle Jack or my grandfather. It was normal for me, no one made a big deal out of it so it didn't bother me. When my husband and I got married, my uncle Jack walked me down the aisle. It was a special moment that I will treasure forever.

My husband did know his father. I don't think he knew him well because he was rarely home, and when he was, there was violence, tension and, nine months later, a new sibling.

When we had our first child, I saw the most amazing look on my husband's face. I had lost a lot of blood and required stitching so no one paid attention to him. He was walking around with our daughter all bundled up, showing her off. Apparently, he wasn't supposed to do that but by the time the nurses noticed he had gotten around the unit and everyone had met Molly. I have a photo of Vincent holding Molly in his arms, beaming with pride.

Fatherhood was challenging for my husband at first. He had plenty of negative role models and he desperately wanted to be a good dad. I had no idea what dads did on a daily basis. I was close to my uncle Jack, my grandfather and my Godfather but I didn't live with them so I had no clue how a father interacts with his daughter day to day.

Over time, Vincent found his own way to bond with our daughters but their relationship didn't bloom until the girls were older. Now, he is known for his silliness. He makes the girls laugh. They know they can depend on him- he does what he says and shows up when he's supposed to. He is very affectionate and always kisses their booboos. He tells them they are "clever" and that he loves them. He is also more interested in fashion than I am. He's a stylist so he knows what is in and what isn't. He buys the girls cool outfits and accessories. I am clueless when it comes to fashion. I don't know or care what's in and I don't wear accessories (or makeup for that matter).

Father's Day was never really special to me before but, now that the children and I are celebrating my husband, it has a new meaning for me. I am proud that my children will grow up knowing their father and that he is a positive influence in their lives. I was shopping for cards from my children and from myself for my husband and it struck me how different Father's Day cards are from Mother's Day cards. The messages for dads are about feeling safe, cared for and protected. The Mother's Day cards are more about being nurtured and loved. Both roles are important. We balance each other out.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there, spending time with their children, working hard, being a great role model and source of love for the next generation!

Anne Walsh
www.artsnoul.org