Motherhood-Growing Pains

January 4th, 2016

The young lady who once babysat my little ones is now a mother. I see photos of her with her newborn and I can't believe how much time has passed. I loved being pregnant, breastfeeding, walking around with my baby in a sling, humming lullabies (could never remember the words), watching my baby sleep, going out for walks with the stroller, the whole thing.

My favorite age though has to be 18 months. Everything is magical at that age and you get to introduce your little one to all sorts of experiences and watch her reaction. Sitting together, enjoying a picnic at the beach, imagining our yard as a spaceship, kissing booboos, taking our time, examining every flower or insect, I miss those days.

The thing is, while all this was happening, I wondered if I was being a good mom. I questioned my decisions: Should Molly have juice with supper or is the juice spoiling her appetite as our neighbor suggests? Am I a bad mom for bringing the girls to McDonalds once in a while? The other moms are feeding only organic, whole foods to their children. Is it weird that I haven't weaned my daughter yet if the other moms stopped nursing by six months? Why is my one year old not sleeping through the night? The ladies at play group said their baby slept through the night from the time they brought him home from the hospital.

Overall, mothering young children came easily to me and I enjoyed it. As my eldest daughter nears  age 10, however, it is becoming clear to me that I need a whole new skill set. One evening, as I was sitting with a young man at the Kemptville Youth Centre during an art therapy workshop, I heard him complain about his mother. She was a great source of frustration to him. I listened to him describe what happened when he got home from school. She was trying to connect with him, asking about his day and offering to fix him a snack. This annoyed him because he just wanted to be left alone. I explained to him that, as parents, we each have our strengths. She was a good nurturer but he needed something different from her now. We explored what he did need from his parents so he could communicate this to them. We discussed how our needs and roles shift throughout the life cycle and how they were currently experiencing a growing pain. He was changing and his parents needed his help and guidance. His mom just hadn't found a new way of expressing her love for him. If you offer something to your child and he says: "No, thank you" and you have no idea what else you can do, you are lost, hurt and a bit sad.

This is what I am learning from my own daughter. Sometimes she wants to sit in my lap, be hugged and talk about everything going on in her life. We spend quality time together and I feel like the best mom ever. At other times, she feels frustrated about things that happened at school and she needs to vent, taking it out on me. I am her safe place and she pushes my buttons, stretches the boundaries and, tests the limits. I must decide when to be compassionate and when to be stern and enforce rules. Sometimes I do alright but most of the time I fall short. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself as a mother it didn't look like this. After she's blown up and I have lost my cool, I try to deconstruct what happened and figure out where I went wrong. She's a good girl and I know she'll be fine but this new phase in our relationship has forced me to stretch outside of my comfort zone.

I think the worst part of this phase is the lack of communication among parents. When our children are young, we discuss our challenges: "Little Frankie won't sleep", "Sally had a tantrum at Walmart the other day", "I'm not sure Timmy is ready to start cereal, how old was yours when you started him on solids"? So, today, I am stating, for the record, that I do not have all the answers, that my children are amazing most of the time but have bursts of behaviors that I do not understand and, that despite my training and intentions, I do not always manage their behavior or mine effectively.

Hopefully, this post is helpful for some of you, encouraging you to talk to someone because you recognize that it is a normal growing pain and you are not alone