Love in Long Term Care

February 14th, 2016

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

We associate Valentine's Day with romance, couples who are madly in love. We have all these ideas about what that love looks like: a romantic dinner, flowers, hot new lingerie and wild sex, holding hands, kissing, hugging, snuggling in front of a roaring fireplace, drinking champagne...roll the footage. I'd like to share some stories of real love I witnessed in long term care.

The nursing staff and personal support workers love their residents. They know them intimately and care for them every day. Despite a lot of media attention on staff who are abusive to residents, the majority of the staff I knew were caring individuals who went beyond the call of duty to ensure their residents were comfortable and happy. I have watched big, beefy men hold the hand of a frail elderly lady while feeding her at lunch time. She eats really slowly and has to stop often because she gets tired or chokes on her food. I see him rub her back, take his time and chat with her as he would with his own mom.

What about the nurse who is walking around the lounge of the locked unit? She is administering meds. Most of these residents are non-verbal. They look bored and withdrawn. She plays music and waltzes with the residents and she makes her way across the room. They are happy to see this nurse and their faces light up as she dances with them or teases them.

The maintenance worker who stops working and sits next to a lonely elderly man. He is anxious and rubs his hands together. He says he feels useless and has nothing to do. The maintenance worker says he needs company. The elderly man walks with him as he cleans, they talk about hockey, travelling, children, music. I hear them laughing down the hall. Once a week, this employee stays late to play cards in this resident's room.

The ladies at reception who take a moment to hear all about a resident's worries about her family. One resident needs new underwear but her son, who uses her money to support his drinking habit, won't pay for them. The ladies each pitch in and put money into her account so she can order new underwear from a catalogue.

The recreation staff who celebrate every birthday, help residents feel included and provide fun activities every day so residents have something to look forward to when they get out of bed every day. They bring a sweater so the resident won't be cold, they hold onto the walker as they stroll down the hall so the resident won't walk too fast and fall down, they involve family members so they visit more often and they organize activities that are meaningful to their residents.

I have watched elderly couples who have been through so much together. Theirs is a tender love: a peck on the cheek, holding hands, leaving their dessert for the partner who loves sweets, buttoning their partner's sweater because his arthritic fingers make it difficult, pushing the wheelchair to the dining room or to various activities. If the spouse doesn't live at the facility, seeing them come for a visit, bringing a treat, wearing their favorite sweater, helping them eat, taking them out for the day, all done with love and gentleness.

One year, I asked family members to share love stories about their loved ones. The response was immediate. I received stories expressing love for their parents who had loved and cared for them. Some stories were about how the parents met and fell in love. Other stories were about the daughter or sons deep love and respect for his/her parents. There were stories about a resident's love of art or nature, a passion for cooking, airplanes or fashion. The families really came through and each story was framed and hung next to the resident's room. It is beautiful to watch grown men and women be so loving and nurturing with their frail elderly parent. Whether they are feeding them, clothing them for an outing, pulling up a chair or helping them up, it is a beautiful sight.

There was a gentleman who was engaged to a beautiful young woman. She had a stroke and complications. She was admitted into long term care where she would live for the remainder of her life. She wasn't able to speak, she drooled and had to be fed. Her fiancé came to see her every day after work. He often brought her flowers or some kind of treat. They sat in the lounge together, holding hands.

People fear long term care facilities. They see them as cold institutional places but all of these stories happened there. It is where I witnessed love every day of the week.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org