March 19th, 2016
Hello everyone, this will be my last post until April 4th. My family and I are leaving for Florida tomorrow and I will be enjoying our time away together without technology. I am sure I will feel inspired to write about new topics when we return.
Right now, everyone is asleep and we are all packed. I am reading over my to-do list and I am satisfied with my progress. I feel excited about our trip. My husband's clients will be house sitting and pet sitting for us. That makes all the difference for me.
In the past, we had neighbors check on the cat, scoop his litter, fill his food bowl and give him some love every day but no one lived in our home. When we got our dog, this was no longer an option. We tried two different kennels. The people were nice but our dog is more of a human-lover, not so much a dog-lover. The last year that she was in a kennel, when we returned, the owner gave us a photo of our dog as a souvenir of her stay. Our dog was being sniffed by dogs on either side, her ears were back and her tail was curled down between her legs. It broke my heart. She looked so unhappy.
Last year, a friend of ours stayed with our pets. It was a completely different experience. Our dog was able to stay in her environment where everything is familiar and comfortable. She received great care by this loving woman who absolutely adores dogs and bakes her own treats. We could check in with her by e-mail throughout the holiday. She even sent footage of our pets when the girls were missing them. We returned to a happy, slightly slimmer from the extra exercise dog and a satisfied, calm cat. Our home had been carde for and there were fresh flowers on the table.
Our friend has her own dog now so she couldn't be here this year. Luckily, my husband has many clients and we have more pet lovers coming to spoil our animals and keep our home cozy while we are away.
As silly as it may seem, I feel more excited about our trip knowing that our pets will be happy. It's hard to go away and relax when you are worried about your dog, wondering if she is stressed. That is no longer an issue. It's also a relief to know that, when the children inevitably start missing the pets, we can share photos e-mailed to my husband's phone (which he will be taking with him).
Thank you pet sitters everyone for offering love to our pets, important members of our family, and for providing peace of mind for the family members who love them.
See you on April 4th!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Saturday, 19 March 2016
Friday, 18 March 2016
Claire Charron
March 18th, 2016
Today is a special day, my mother, Claire Charron, was born 67 years ago today. I will be visiting her with my daughters. We'll bring her back to our home and spend the weekend together. When I was young, I loved my mother because she was my mom. Eventually, I heard about the hardships she had faced when she had me and was pressured to abort me. Needless to say, she chose to keep me but her family and friends rejected her. She faced many years alone, shamed for having a dark child and for being a single mom.
She worked hard to provide a home and to fill our bellies every day. I often tease her about her culinary adventures. We ate Spam, Click, Cam, and mac n cheese without the cheese (she only used a sprinkling of cheese which made it sooo gross). Once in a while, when she was feeling rich, she would buy balony and fry it in a pan, she served it with melted, fried cheddar and a can of corn. It was a gastronomical leap forward and I would dance for joy!
Now that I am older, I love my mom because I recognize that she is a compassionate human being. She doesn't judge people. When I hung out with punk rockers with black, spiked hair and piercings, she treated them with the same respect as anyone else. I watched her working at the reception of a long term care facility. She listened to the stories of the many lonely residents who came to visit her even though she had lots of work to do with multiple deadlines. When she walked away from her desk to deliver important papers to managers, I saw her kneel next to every resident who wanted to talk to her so she could be at eye level with them. She eventually obtained a degree in palliative care and she currently volunteers at Montfort Hospital, sitting with residents who are anxious or lonely. She supports families who are grieving as well.
As a mother, I have a new respect for the challenges she must have faced when she was alone and unprepared for the responsibilities of parenthood. She worked hard and gave me what she could. We went through many experiences together. What I love about my mother is that she loves unconditionally. When I wanted to move to Montreal for my studies, she was very sad. She loved having me with her. However, she encouraged me to go for it. Whenever I make a decision, she supports me and dosent not try to give me advice. As I raise my children, I am sure she doesn't always agree with my approach but she keeps it to herself. She lets me carve out my own path, follow my gut and parent as I see fit.
In my career, she is the first to celebrate my accomplishments and, when I fail, she is there to hear me vent and pray for me. She visits our children every week, draws with them and listens to their stories. She has their art plastered all over her refrigerator. She logs their funny comments in her journal. She loves reading self-help books and is always learning something new.
Today I celebrate my mom for her simplicity, her sense of humour, her unconditional love and compassion. Hope you have a great day mom! I love you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Today is a special day, my mother, Claire Charron, was born 67 years ago today. I will be visiting her with my daughters. We'll bring her back to our home and spend the weekend together. When I was young, I loved my mother because she was my mom. Eventually, I heard about the hardships she had faced when she had me and was pressured to abort me. Needless to say, she chose to keep me but her family and friends rejected her. She faced many years alone, shamed for having a dark child and for being a single mom.
She worked hard to provide a home and to fill our bellies every day. I often tease her about her culinary adventures. We ate Spam, Click, Cam, and mac n cheese without the cheese (she only used a sprinkling of cheese which made it sooo gross). Once in a while, when she was feeling rich, she would buy balony and fry it in a pan, she served it with melted, fried cheddar and a can of corn. It was a gastronomical leap forward and I would dance for joy!
Now that I am older, I love my mom because I recognize that she is a compassionate human being. She doesn't judge people. When I hung out with punk rockers with black, spiked hair and piercings, she treated them with the same respect as anyone else. I watched her working at the reception of a long term care facility. She listened to the stories of the many lonely residents who came to visit her even though she had lots of work to do with multiple deadlines. When she walked away from her desk to deliver important papers to managers, I saw her kneel next to every resident who wanted to talk to her so she could be at eye level with them. She eventually obtained a degree in palliative care and she currently volunteers at Montfort Hospital, sitting with residents who are anxious or lonely. She supports families who are grieving as well.
As a mother, I have a new respect for the challenges she must have faced when she was alone and unprepared for the responsibilities of parenthood. She worked hard and gave me what she could. We went through many experiences together. What I love about my mother is that she loves unconditionally. When I wanted to move to Montreal for my studies, she was very sad. She loved having me with her. However, she encouraged me to go for it. Whenever I make a decision, she supports me and dosent not try to give me advice. As I raise my children, I am sure she doesn't always agree with my approach but she keeps it to herself. She lets me carve out my own path, follow my gut and parent as I see fit.
In my career, she is the first to celebrate my accomplishments and, when I fail, she is there to hear me vent and pray for me. She visits our children every week, draws with them and listens to their stories. She has their art plastered all over her refrigerator. She logs their funny comments in her journal. She loves reading self-help books and is always learning something new.
Today I celebrate my mom for her simplicity, her sense of humour, her unconditional love and compassion. Hope you have a great day mom! I love you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 17 March 2016
Clean Water
March 17th, 2016
I just watched a fascinating documentary about Dean Kamen's latest invention, the Slingshot. Dean is an inventor who works very hard at creating technology that helps people achieve greater quality of life. Among his healthcare inventions are a wheelchair that moves vertically so someone can move up and change a lightbulb or reach a high cupboard. He also has a wheelchair that climbs stairs. You can see him working on prosthetics and he has invented a system that allows people to use dialysis machines in their own home. For more information about this work, check out dekaresearch.com.
Dean is an interesting individual. He lives in a home with secret passageways and a steam engine in the centre of his foyer, he opens a glass wall and leaves his home via his personal helicopter. He is eccentric and passionate. He has chosen not to become a father because he is so committed to his work that he doesn't feel he could really give enough energy to raising a child. He helps children every day through his inventions and contributions.
One of those contributions is a science centre he donated to his community. He noticed children wearing sports jerseys and he asked them if they could name an engineer or inventor. None of them could. He decided to make sciences cool. He launched First, an opportunity for children to create robots and compete against other robots like an athletic event. Students are excited to work with engineers and conceptualize their robot then compete. They gain valuable employability skills and develop a passion for sciences. This was the ultimate goal, to teach math, science, technology and engineering in an exciting way. You can go to www.firstinspires.org to learn about this program.
We all recognize the importance of clean water. We rely on water to stay hydrated and clean, to cook and do laundry. In countries where clean water is not accessible, disease spreads quickly. Dean and his team developed a vapor compression distiller. It has the ability to purify water regardless of the quality of water that goes into the machine. Dean was able to demonstrate the machine's efficacy but he needed help distribution the machine to countries where clean water was not available. He asked medical partners, the WHO, the government and many other organizations whom he thought would jump at the chance to distribute these machines. They were all cheering for him but they wouldn't get involved.
He got a break when the Coca-Cola company agreed to partner with him. He started with 15 machines in schools in Ghana in 2011. The machines worked well but they were heavy and difficult to set up. Also, they realized they would need to educate users who were transferring the clean water to contaminated vessels. This pilot project led to funding for 50 machines to be tested in Central America and Africa. They needed to make the machines lighter and smaller, they re-named it the Alpha model. They learned that each location has its own challenges but they started the Alpha model distribution in 2013.
Dean has a vision. His wish is that we start investing in "weapons of mass construction". If people have access to clean water and they recognize that these machines come from the US, perhaps they can reach a place of peace. I am very excited to see what happens next as each trial leads to more access to this invention.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I just watched a fascinating documentary about Dean Kamen's latest invention, the Slingshot. Dean is an inventor who works very hard at creating technology that helps people achieve greater quality of life. Among his healthcare inventions are a wheelchair that moves vertically so someone can move up and change a lightbulb or reach a high cupboard. He also has a wheelchair that climbs stairs. You can see him working on prosthetics and he has invented a system that allows people to use dialysis machines in their own home. For more information about this work, check out dekaresearch.com.
Dean is an interesting individual. He lives in a home with secret passageways and a steam engine in the centre of his foyer, he opens a glass wall and leaves his home via his personal helicopter. He is eccentric and passionate. He has chosen not to become a father because he is so committed to his work that he doesn't feel he could really give enough energy to raising a child. He helps children every day through his inventions and contributions.
One of those contributions is a science centre he donated to his community. He noticed children wearing sports jerseys and he asked them if they could name an engineer or inventor. None of them could. He decided to make sciences cool. He launched First, an opportunity for children to create robots and compete against other robots like an athletic event. Students are excited to work with engineers and conceptualize their robot then compete. They gain valuable employability skills and develop a passion for sciences. This was the ultimate goal, to teach math, science, technology and engineering in an exciting way. You can go to www.firstinspires.org to learn about this program.
We all recognize the importance of clean water. We rely on water to stay hydrated and clean, to cook and do laundry. In countries where clean water is not accessible, disease spreads quickly. Dean and his team developed a vapor compression distiller. It has the ability to purify water regardless of the quality of water that goes into the machine. Dean was able to demonstrate the machine's efficacy but he needed help distribution the machine to countries where clean water was not available. He asked medical partners, the WHO, the government and many other organizations whom he thought would jump at the chance to distribute these machines. They were all cheering for him but they wouldn't get involved.
He got a break when the Coca-Cola company agreed to partner with him. He started with 15 machines in schools in Ghana in 2011. The machines worked well but they were heavy and difficult to set up. Also, they realized they would need to educate users who were transferring the clean water to contaminated vessels. This pilot project led to funding for 50 machines to be tested in Central America and Africa. They needed to make the machines lighter and smaller, they re-named it the Alpha model. They learned that each location has its own challenges but they started the Alpha model distribution in 2013.
Dean has a vision. His wish is that we start investing in "weapons of mass construction". If people have access to clean water and they recognize that these machines come from the US, perhaps they can reach a place of peace. I am very excited to see what happens next as each trial leads to more access to this invention.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Unhealthy Relationships
March 16th, 2016
Today, I'd like to talk about unhealthy relationships. We hear certain key words: domestic violence or abusive relationship. We imagine a woman being beaten by her drunken husband. She is afraid but she stays with him and we judge her. Why doesn't she leave? Judgment takes away our fear. It protects us from the reality that it could be any one of us. By asking why "they" stay, we create a wall between "them" and "us".
The fact is many women are in unhealthy relationships. Some know their relationship is unhealthy and they seek help or create a plan to leave. However, many women hide this wisdom from themselves and everyone else. An unhealthy relationship is any relationship that makes you feel poorly about yourself, that creates separation between you and your support system and instills fear about your safety or the well-being of your children.
You are attracted to a man. He is really into you. He wants to be with you all the time. When you are apart, he texts you or calls you. If you don't respond right away, he is disappointed. If you are unable to meet with him because you have plans with friends or family, he makes you feel guilty. He had something special planned. He may tell you that he is uncomfortable around your friends or your family. You spend more time with him and try to squeeze your friends and family in when you are not with him because you know he doesn't feel comfortable around them. He just wants to be alone with you. You turn down invitations until no one bothers to call you. Your loved ones don't like him but they just don't "get" him the way you do. You love him and he is carry about you.
Once you are hooked on him and isolated from your friends and family, your boyfriend gets more demanding, more moody. He has a tremper. When you disagree with him or won't do what he wants, he gets angry. You find yourself doing things you don't want to appease him. This could include having sex. You also keep information from him to protect yourself from his outburst like the fact that you met with a friend for coffee. He doesn't like that friend and wouldn't approve of you seeing her. Drinking makes his anger worst but he shows no sign of abstaining from alcohol. You may realize that you are in danger. Who do you turn to? You have alienated your friends and family. They were right but you are not ready to admit to this just yet. There are times when he is just so sweet. You have a great time. These peaks are just enough to keep you involved. You tell yourself it's not so bad. This may escalate to physical violence or it may never come to that.
There are things you do that he notices and he shares his observations with you, for your own good. The way you hold your cup of coffee or the sound of your voice, the way you dance, the clothes you wear, little details that make you who you are. He points out what you should work on and make you feel ashamed. This may be worst when he is around his friends. He may correct you in front of them or comment one something that he knows makes you feel vulnerable. All of this attention on you, keeps you from noticing things about him. They create doubt in your concept of yourself. You forget what it was like to feel confident in who you were and to expect love from those around you. This is his super power. After a while you don't even notice the unhealthy behaviors. You are used to hiding and pretending, avoiding his outbursts when you can, making excuses for him along the way.
If someone you love is in this kind of relationship, the best thing you can do is be loving and supportive of them. If you get angry and try to convince her that he is no good, she will hide his behaviors from you and shut you out. If you behave in loving ways toward her she will start to notice the drastic difference between the way she feels when she is around you and when she is with him. She will remember that she has a choice, that it can be better, that she was someone and had a life before this person. She will choose someone who loves her too. It won't happen all at once, it will sink in over time. Don't judge, don't preach or give advice. Just keep loving her. It is your super power.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Today, I'd like to talk about unhealthy relationships. We hear certain key words: domestic violence or abusive relationship. We imagine a woman being beaten by her drunken husband. She is afraid but she stays with him and we judge her. Why doesn't she leave? Judgment takes away our fear. It protects us from the reality that it could be any one of us. By asking why "they" stay, we create a wall between "them" and "us".
The fact is many women are in unhealthy relationships. Some know their relationship is unhealthy and they seek help or create a plan to leave. However, many women hide this wisdom from themselves and everyone else. An unhealthy relationship is any relationship that makes you feel poorly about yourself, that creates separation between you and your support system and instills fear about your safety or the well-being of your children.
You are attracted to a man. He is really into you. He wants to be with you all the time. When you are apart, he texts you or calls you. If you don't respond right away, he is disappointed. If you are unable to meet with him because you have plans with friends or family, he makes you feel guilty. He had something special planned. He may tell you that he is uncomfortable around your friends or your family. You spend more time with him and try to squeeze your friends and family in when you are not with him because you know he doesn't feel comfortable around them. He just wants to be alone with you. You turn down invitations until no one bothers to call you. Your loved ones don't like him but they just don't "get" him the way you do. You love him and he is carry about you.
Once you are hooked on him and isolated from your friends and family, your boyfriend gets more demanding, more moody. He has a tremper. When you disagree with him or won't do what he wants, he gets angry. You find yourself doing things you don't want to appease him. This could include having sex. You also keep information from him to protect yourself from his outburst like the fact that you met with a friend for coffee. He doesn't like that friend and wouldn't approve of you seeing her. Drinking makes his anger worst but he shows no sign of abstaining from alcohol. You may realize that you are in danger. Who do you turn to? You have alienated your friends and family. They were right but you are not ready to admit to this just yet. There are times when he is just so sweet. You have a great time. These peaks are just enough to keep you involved. You tell yourself it's not so bad. This may escalate to physical violence or it may never come to that.
There are things you do that he notices and he shares his observations with you, for your own good. The way you hold your cup of coffee or the sound of your voice, the way you dance, the clothes you wear, little details that make you who you are. He points out what you should work on and make you feel ashamed. This may be worst when he is around his friends. He may correct you in front of them or comment one something that he knows makes you feel vulnerable. All of this attention on you, keeps you from noticing things about him. They create doubt in your concept of yourself. You forget what it was like to feel confident in who you were and to expect love from those around you. This is his super power. After a while you don't even notice the unhealthy behaviors. You are used to hiding and pretending, avoiding his outbursts when you can, making excuses for him along the way.
If someone you love is in this kind of relationship, the best thing you can do is be loving and supportive of them. If you get angry and try to convince her that he is no good, she will hide his behaviors from you and shut you out. If you behave in loving ways toward her she will start to notice the drastic difference between the way she feels when she is around you and when she is with him. She will remember that she has a choice, that it can be better, that she was someone and had a life before this person. She will choose someone who loves her too. It won't happen all at once, it will sink in over time. Don't judge, don't preach or give advice. Just keep loving her. It is your super power.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 16 March 2016
Know your heart
March 15th, 2016
Do you know a woman who has suffered a stroke or heart attack? I don't. I do know many women who have battled breast cancer. I guess that's why it comes as a shocker to learn that heart disease is the number one killer among women. For many of us, heart attacks are what happen to older men. Most of the research has used men and the results reflect this. You have an expectation of what heart attacks look like, based on this gender-biased research: sudden chest pain and difficulty breathing. The thing is, for women, a heart attack can feel more like indigestion, a pain in the back or arm, discomfort in the jaw, flu-like symptoms or fatigue. For some women, there are no symptoms other than the persistent fatigue. They consult their doctor and discover they have had a heart attack.
I only know half my family history so it's a little unsettling for me to not know if this runs in that part of my family, especially since I once read that african-americans were more at risk of cardio-vasculaire disease than caucasians. I do not smoke, I am not diabetic and my blood pressure is low but I am not consistently physically active, my cholesterol levels are high and I have gained weight, mostly in my midsection.
So, what can I do to reduce my risk? Exercise and eat healthy food. The goal is not a short-term diet but sustainable, healthy food habits. I can work on reducing my stress levels and floss my teeth. Letting plaque accumulate in your gums contributes to the presence of plaque in your blood stream. I can also make time for friends. Feeling loved and supported reduces stress levels, so does playing with the dog or having fun with my kids.
Another unfortunate factor that contributes to the death of women due to heart disease is that we ignore the symptoms, we deny that we are having a heart attack because we don't have time to deal with it, it's just not a good time. Check out the video by Elizabeth Banks on www.goredforwomen.org. I could relate to Elizabeth as she plays a mom with children and work responsibilities who is trying to get everything done, multi-tasking and gulping coffee. When symptoms occur, she ignores them and just pushes through. Her son and husband notice something is wrong but she denies it. It's a great way to raise awareness about the need to take care of ourselves, not just our loved ones.
There's more information about the symptoms of stroke out there. I have witnessed a lady having a TIA (transient ischemic attack) when I worked in long term care. When you are having a stroke, you may notice half of your body losing its muscle tone, your face looks like it's drooping, your arm goes loose and you are unable to pull it back up, your leg loses the ability to stand so you fall, your vision could become blurry, you may be unable to speak or what you say makes no sense. It is really important to call 911 immediately if someone has these symptoms. The TIA is a smaller scale episode that is often a precursor to strokes. Residents who had TIAs were more likely to recover quickly and not have long term impairments. The same habits that increase your risk of heart disease also increase your risk of stroke.
I don't know about you but I am motivated to eat right, exercise, drink water and manage my stress. How about you?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Do you know a woman who has suffered a stroke or heart attack? I don't. I do know many women who have battled breast cancer. I guess that's why it comes as a shocker to learn that heart disease is the number one killer among women. For many of us, heart attacks are what happen to older men. Most of the research has used men and the results reflect this. You have an expectation of what heart attacks look like, based on this gender-biased research: sudden chest pain and difficulty breathing. The thing is, for women, a heart attack can feel more like indigestion, a pain in the back or arm, discomfort in the jaw, flu-like symptoms or fatigue. For some women, there are no symptoms other than the persistent fatigue. They consult their doctor and discover they have had a heart attack.
I only know half my family history so it's a little unsettling for me to not know if this runs in that part of my family, especially since I once read that african-americans were more at risk of cardio-vasculaire disease than caucasians. I do not smoke, I am not diabetic and my blood pressure is low but I am not consistently physically active, my cholesterol levels are high and I have gained weight, mostly in my midsection.
So, what can I do to reduce my risk? Exercise and eat healthy food. The goal is not a short-term diet but sustainable, healthy food habits. I can work on reducing my stress levels and floss my teeth. Letting plaque accumulate in your gums contributes to the presence of plaque in your blood stream. I can also make time for friends. Feeling loved and supported reduces stress levels, so does playing with the dog or having fun with my kids.
Another unfortunate factor that contributes to the death of women due to heart disease is that we ignore the symptoms, we deny that we are having a heart attack because we don't have time to deal with it, it's just not a good time. Check out the video by Elizabeth Banks on www.goredforwomen.org. I could relate to Elizabeth as she plays a mom with children and work responsibilities who is trying to get everything done, multi-tasking and gulping coffee. When symptoms occur, she ignores them and just pushes through. Her son and husband notice something is wrong but she denies it. It's a great way to raise awareness about the need to take care of ourselves, not just our loved ones.
There's more information about the symptoms of stroke out there. I have witnessed a lady having a TIA (transient ischemic attack) when I worked in long term care. When you are having a stroke, you may notice half of your body losing its muscle tone, your face looks like it's drooping, your arm goes loose and you are unable to pull it back up, your leg loses the ability to stand so you fall, your vision could become blurry, you may be unable to speak or what you say makes no sense. It is really important to call 911 immediately if someone has these symptoms. The TIA is a smaller scale episode that is often a precursor to strokes. Residents who had TIAs were more likely to recover quickly and not have long term impairments. The same habits that increase your risk of heart disease also increase your risk of stroke.
I don't know about you but I am motivated to eat right, exercise, drink water and manage my stress. How about you?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 14 March 2016
Family Dynamics
March 14th, 2016
Who are you? I mean in your family. What is your role? Where do you fit in the puzzle of your family? Whenever I offer a team building workshop for small groups I like to explore this question. We are complex human beings. We may be controlling and bossy at work then dependent and quiet at home. Each environment brings out a different aspect of us.
The thing is, we often walk right into the same role at work and in our romantic relationship as we had in our family of origin. Were you the peacemaker at home? Are you the only one still talking to everyone at work? The one every member of the team confides in? Were you a caregiver when you were growing up, caring for an alcoholic parent? You may be determined to marry someone who doesn't drink but you end up with someone who depends on you in other ways. Are all your employers incompetent people who need your expertise to succeed, just another expression of the same pattern.
If each employee is carrying a role from his/her family of origin but is unaware of it, then each conflict at work is perceived as new and unique to that specific working relationship. What happens when you recognize a pattern, when you realize that this is just an extension of your previous role from your family of origin? It depersonalizes the conflict at work, it brings you back to the original relationship to figure out what needs to be resolved. You can make choices from a place of awareness. The intensity of the conflict vanishes. You are able to question your perception. "Are they excluding me or am I imagining that they would prefer it if I didn't join them because I felt like an outsider in my family of origin"? The ability to check the validity of your perceptions is empowering.
Have you ever noticed how the same family story can be told differently by the family members who were there? We carry our stories with us. We tell our partner, our children, our friends and colleagues our version of these stories. They become a part of our identity. They influence the way we interact with others, our expectations of them. We change, our loved ones change but we interact as if everything is the same. Isn't it funny how we become 5 years old when we bump into our kindergarten teacher. We are full grown with children of our own but we find ourselves greeting her the same way, with the same tone: "Hello Mrs Birke"!
We project these behaviors onto new people. We transfer our fear of parents onto authority figures, our desire to please to other men or women, our competitiveness from our siblings to our colleagues. Take a moment to become conscious of the impact your roles have on your current life.
1-What was your job in your family of origin? Did you make people laugh, stir up trouble, create chaos, rebel, keep the peace, compete, make yourself invisible, do all the work, try to be perfect?
2-Who were your allies in the family (people who supported you)?
3-Were you in a coalition with someone (ganging up against someone else)?
4-Were you the black sheep (different/outsider)?
5-What were the rules in your family (even if they were never spoken)?
6- What were your family's expectations of you? Were you expected to take over the family business, marry someone from your culture or religion, get rich and support your family?
7-What did your family stand for and value? (success, family, patriotism, community involvement, education, athletics)
8-How would you qualify the relationship between your parents and among your family members? (intimate, close, loving, supportive or cold, divided, chaotic, violent, numb)
Once you've answered these questions, examine your current lifestyle and relationships, at home and at work. Can you see the connections between your life and your foundation? I would be very surprised if you didn't. Once you make peace with your family of origin and heal early wounds, the troubling people in your present will lose their hold on you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Who are you? I mean in your family. What is your role? Where do you fit in the puzzle of your family? Whenever I offer a team building workshop for small groups I like to explore this question. We are complex human beings. We may be controlling and bossy at work then dependent and quiet at home. Each environment brings out a different aspect of us.
The thing is, we often walk right into the same role at work and in our romantic relationship as we had in our family of origin. Were you the peacemaker at home? Are you the only one still talking to everyone at work? The one every member of the team confides in? Were you a caregiver when you were growing up, caring for an alcoholic parent? You may be determined to marry someone who doesn't drink but you end up with someone who depends on you in other ways. Are all your employers incompetent people who need your expertise to succeed, just another expression of the same pattern.
If each employee is carrying a role from his/her family of origin but is unaware of it, then each conflict at work is perceived as new and unique to that specific working relationship. What happens when you recognize a pattern, when you realize that this is just an extension of your previous role from your family of origin? It depersonalizes the conflict at work, it brings you back to the original relationship to figure out what needs to be resolved. You can make choices from a place of awareness. The intensity of the conflict vanishes. You are able to question your perception. "Are they excluding me or am I imagining that they would prefer it if I didn't join them because I felt like an outsider in my family of origin"? The ability to check the validity of your perceptions is empowering.
Have you ever noticed how the same family story can be told differently by the family members who were there? We carry our stories with us. We tell our partner, our children, our friends and colleagues our version of these stories. They become a part of our identity. They influence the way we interact with others, our expectations of them. We change, our loved ones change but we interact as if everything is the same. Isn't it funny how we become 5 years old when we bump into our kindergarten teacher. We are full grown with children of our own but we find ourselves greeting her the same way, with the same tone: "Hello Mrs Birke"!
We project these behaviors onto new people. We transfer our fear of parents onto authority figures, our desire to please to other men or women, our competitiveness from our siblings to our colleagues. Take a moment to become conscious of the impact your roles have on your current life.
1-What was your job in your family of origin? Did you make people laugh, stir up trouble, create chaos, rebel, keep the peace, compete, make yourself invisible, do all the work, try to be perfect?
2-Who were your allies in the family (people who supported you)?
3-Were you in a coalition with someone (ganging up against someone else)?
4-Were you the black sheep (different/outsider)?
5-What were the rules in your family (even if they were never spoken)?
6- What were your family's expectations of you? Were you expected to take over the family business, marry someone from your culture or religion, get rich and support your family?
7-What did your family stand for and value? (success, family, patriotism, community involvement, education, athletics)
8-How would you qualify the relationship between your parents and among your family members? (intimate, close, loving, supportive or cold, divided, chaotic, violent, numb)
Once you've answered these questions, examine your current lifestyle and relationships, at home and at work. Can you see the connections between your life and your foundation? I would be very surprised if you didn't. Once you make peace with your family of origin and heal early wounds, the troubling people in your present will lose their hold on you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 13 March 2016
Night Talks
March 13th, 2016
Every night, my girls want to talk before bed. I used to read stories to them then, we started to make up our own stories, now we have graduated to talking about life. My eldest usually initiates this: "Can we just talk, Mom?" What I find interesting is that I am around throughout the day on weekends, trying to connect with them. This can be difficult at times because they want to do different activities and they each want me to choose their activity. I have to bargain, promising to draw with my eldest then play dolls with my youngest. During the day, they seem so mature. I get a few eye rolls or they resist what I am asking them to do. "Brush my teeth? Why? I'm not going out today?" When night comes around, they want to cuddle and talk. I love it!
They talk about school. I find out who they play with at recess, those friends are sometimes different from the ones who come over for playdates. They tell me their stories about who they "broke up" with and why. They hint at some girls who are mean to them. They ask questions they may not ask during the day when we can see each other's faces.
They confess their fears and share their dreams. My eldest is trying to decide how famous she wants to be. She hates the thought of papparazzi being in her face with their cameras but she is determined to become a superstar. She once described her entire tour schedule. Apparently, her entire tour ends in Brazil. We have never been to Brazil or even talked about Brazil but she studied her map of the world and chose a variety of locations to ensure she spreads herself evenly around the globe. Both my daughters don't want to have children because they don't want their bellies to look like mine :). My eldest wants to get married, my youngest isn't interested in marriage. They both swear they will never move away. They want to stay in their room at the house for the rest of their lives.
I enjoy these conversations because I get to convey my values without preaching, just by responding to their questions and stories. Sometimes I tell them about a mistake I made when I was little and what happened as a consequence. Lately, I've been trying to introduce them to music. On Friday, as we were celebrating the start of March Break, I wanted to share Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd. They were not interested in hearing my "old, boring" music. My husband tries to tell them about David Bowie and the Beatles (more eye rolling from the girls). At least, my eldest is hooked on Michael Jackson. I was a huge fan of his when I was her age. One night, we watched a bunch of his videos, singing and dancing along as a family and she was hooked. Now she imitates him, as I used to do at her age, she has a poster of him in her room and she wishes she could have met him when he was alive.
I am happy and proud to have our night talks. Right now the girls fight to spend time with me but, one day, soon enough, they will be teenagers and they will be harder to reach. I hope our talks create a ritual that maintains the lines of communication open for when we need it the most.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Every night, my girls want to talk before bed. I used to read stories to them then, we started to make up our own stories, now we have graduated to talking about life. My eldest usually initiates this: "Can we just talk, Mom?" What I find interesting is that I am around throughout the day on weekends, trying to connect with them. This can be difficult at times because they want to do different activities and they each want me to choose their activity. I have to bargain, promising to draw with my eldest then play dolls with my youngest. During the day, they seem so mature. I get a few eye rolls or they resist what I am asking them to do. "Brush my teeth? Why? I'm not going out today?" When night comes around, they want to cuddle and talk. I love it!
They talk about school. I find out who they play with at recess, those friends are sometimes different from the ones who come over for playdates. They tell me their stories about who they "broke up" with and why. They hint at some girls who are mean to them. They ask questions they may not ask during the day when we can see each other's faces.
They confess their fears and share their dreams. My eldest is trying to decide how famous she wants to be. She hates the thought of papparazzi being in her face with their cameras but she is determined to become a superstar. She once described her entire tour schedule. Apparently, her entire tour ends in Brazil. We have never been to Brazil or even talked about Brazil but she studied her map of the world and chose a variety of locations to ensure she spreads herself evenly around the globe. Both my daughters don't want to have children because they don't want their bellies to look like mine :). My eldest wants to get married, my youngest isn't interested in marriage. They both swear they will never move away. They want to stay in their room at the house for the rest of their lives.
I enjoy these conversations because I get to convey my values without preaching, just by responding to their questions and stories. Sometimes I tell them about a mistake I made when I was little and what happened as a consequence. Lately, I've been trying to introduce them to music. On Friday, as we were celebrating the start of March Break, I wanted to share Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd. They were not interested in hearing my "old, boring" music. My husband tries to tell them about David Bowie and the Beatles (more eye rolling from the girls). At least, my eldest is hooked on Michael Jackson. I was a huge fan of his when I was her age. One night, we watched a bunch of his videos, singing and dancing along as a family and she was hooked. Now she imitates him, as I used to do at her age, she has a poster of him in her room and she wishes she could have met him when he was alive.
I am happy and proud to have our night talks. Right now the girls fight to spend time with me but, one day, soon enough, they will be teenagers and they will be harder to reach. I hope our talks create a ritual that maintains the lines of communication open for when we need it the most.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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