Online Dating

September 16th, 2016

In the last week, I heard about three couples who met online. One of those couples has decided to tie the knot over the weekend. I started thinking about this new trend, analyzing it, as one does, to figure out why this new approach to dating has gained such popularity.

I am very social but quite shy and sometimes awkward when I am around new people. It takes a while for me to feel comfortable. I was thinking that online dating would be great for someone like myself who prefers to get to know someone in writing first. That way, you already know that you have something in common and you feel comfortable with this potential mate prior to meeting him. I should mention here that I am married and therefore speculating. I met my husband, in person, 14 years ago.

The fear of rejection can be another factor leading to online dating. When you have a blind date with someone, in person, you are putting yourself out there, hoping that there will be a mutual attraction. It can be heartbreaking if you meet at the designated place and one of the two has a less than enthusiastic response. I have heard of people making up excuses and leaving early, having a friend come and interrupt the date or, even worse, walking right by the person if they don't know what you look like. The person who gets stood up sits there hoping you are late but you never show up. That is terrible. Online, you either communicate or you don't. They have already seen your photo so if they reach out to you, obviously, they are interested in you.

Picking Mr. Wrong. Do you always pick the worst person in the room? Some people have a knack for attracting jerks. When you fill out the form online, the profiles that come up have matching wishes and interests. This initial filter and selection process ensures you are more likely to meet someone compatible. You may know that you want a stable, permanent relationship yet you attract one night stands with married men. As you fill out questionnaires online, you will be selecting the type of man who also wants a permanent relationship.

When you meet someone you are attracted to, you may become physically involved with him too soon. You haven't really talked about what either of you is looking for and whether your intentions are compatible. You see, you try, you like. Once the relationship is sexually active, especially if the sex is really good, you may spend months exploring each other and talking very little. This can lead to disappointment down the line when you realize he's a gambler, he's married, he hates kids and you have three from a previous marriage etc. When you start out online, you have already filled out the questionnaires re: children, smoking, habits, intentions etc. This gives you an advantage. You can begin with a baseline of knowledge, ask questions about whatever is important to you and head into face to face encounters aware of what this person has to offer.

The online option also works well for busy professionals. You can connect with people quickly whenever you are available. Even if you are in different time zones, you can write to each other whenever it is convenient for you, knowing your potential partner will respond within their time frame. There is excitement as each person awaits a message from the other. You can get a feel for each other through Skype or Face Time, perhaps sharing a meal together over the internet. The person slowly becomes part of your routine and you get to maintain your privacy. The difficulty with dating someone who lives far away emerges when you become serious and one of you needs to move to another city or country. Another issue could be when you want to introduce the love of your life to your children. If you have been interacting mostly online with someone and have fallen in love, it may take some time for your loved ones to become familiar with this new person.

Obviously, you need to be vigilant anytime you do something online. They could look different from their photo or be lying in their profile (age, employment, marital status). You need to do your research but, for busy professionals who don't have the time to socialize a great deal or, for shy individuals  who have a difficult time connecting with new people, this could be a great solution.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org