March 6th, 2016
I learned a lot from working in long term care. One of the things I noticed was how men and women approach caregiving. I was so intrigued that I did a research paper about it and was blown away by what I discovered.
Traditionally, women have been the caregivers. We are more likely to choose careers that involve caregiving such as nursing, teaching, social worker, speech pathologist, personal support worker etc. In our households, women generally took care of the children's needs and were more likely to take a maternity leave to devote as much time as possible with our children. We take care of our spouse, maintain connections with other family members, even our in-laws and we host gatherings in our homes.
Traditionally, men, in contrast, have worked outside the home and invested more time in relationships with colleagues or business contacts. They go to work, play a round of golf, stop off at the pub for a drink on their way home etc. At least, that is the way it used to be.
According to my research, as we age, women and men want different things. Women have raised their children and are looking for opportunities to connect with the outside world. They might go back to school to get a degree or get a job where they can use their skills and feel competent. Men have reached a certain level in their career and they are turning toward the homefront, looking for ways to contribute and connect with loved ones. They may mentor one of the adult offsprings or spend more time with them.
Here is the interesting part from a long term care perspective: when an aging parent needs care, each gender has a different reaction. If a woman is experiencing empty nest syndrome, the new caregiving responsibility may be a welcome task. However, if she is still caring for her children or if her children are now grown and she was in the process of training for a new job, this turn of events may leave her feeling resentful. She thought it was her turn to pursue her own goals but now, these have to be put on hold. There were some shocking statistics that indicated that women were more likely to burnout and be abusive toward their ailing parent. They feel burdened, isolated and unsupported.
Men who are asked to help care for an aging parent are more likely to enjoy this opportunity to help out a parent and use it as a bonding experience. They are generally in a position where they can take some time off work or they are retired. The way they care for a parent is different as well. They will ensure that the maintenance of the house and finances are looked after whether they do it themselves or pay someone to do it. They tend to decide what they can do and delegate the rest to others. If they have no siblings to help out, they will pay for the help or make arrangements for the parent to move to a home.
Women take everything on and feel guilty if they delegate caregiving tasks to an agency or personal support worker. Women feel that they should be helping the parent and the parent may encourage this saying they feel uncomfortable when someone else bathes them or that no one else can clean the house to their standards or they may complain about the food that gets delivered to their home. This results in a stressed daughter or daughter-in-law.
In most families there is a primary caregiver, usually a daughter or daughter-in-law. She is the one the parents turn to whenever anything goes wrong. The primary caregiver visits more often, takes on the most responsibilities, knows what medication the parents are taking, when their next appointment is and, who they have seen and for what, in the past. When the parents' health deteriorates, family members defer to the primary caregiver. She may ask for support from siblings but they are used to her doing everything and will most likely not step in or do very little. This is where the danger of burnout begins and why there is a risk that the caregiving relationship will become abusive.
There are lots of holes in our health care system. The caregiver can get lost looking for services that will help fill the gaps in her parent's life. It can seem easier at first just to plug in all those holes on her own. However, as the gaps become wider and the needs get more complex, the caregiver is often confronted with the reality that moving the parent to a facility may be the only logical solution. That is when I met most of the caregivers, during a visit to the long term care facility. The parent would visit, convinced that this was not going to happen. The daughter or daughter-in-law would look around, feeling emotional and guilty, worrying about this important decision, wishing someone else could take over.
We often leave men out of the caregiving equation, yet, research demonstrates that caregiving is developmentally appropriate and beneficial for middle-aged to older men and, that they are skilled at caregiving in a balanced way so they are less likely to burnout. We need to pay attention to this information and apply it by including men in conversations, training and decision-making. It could lead to less women feeling alone and overwhelmed while providing men with an opportunity to use their skills to serve their family. Food for thought.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label burnout. Show all posts
Showing posts with label burnout. Show all posts
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Sunday, 7 February 2016
Self-Care and Asking WHY
February 7th, 2016
I was feeling stuck today. I want to stick to my decision to write every day but I couldn't pick a topic. I decided to write about self-care because it is so important for women to learn to care as much about themselves as they do about others. It is also important for loved ones to see that we value ourselves. It's a reminder to your children that your life is more than just motherhood. It communicates to your partner that you expect to be treated with respect. It lets your boss know that your weekends are off-limits, that you have a life outside of working hours.
I was doing a search last week and I stumbled onto a video by a guy named Simon Sinek. He writes and speaks about leadership. His premise is that companies who don't strive, focus on what they are offering. Companies who succeed communicate why they exist. Between the "what" and the "why" is the "how". This is understanding how you achieve what you set out to do.
These two topics may not seem related but they are. Self-care is not about being selfish. Most of us emulate our earliest role models, women who served others first and put their needs last. Women who felt it was selfish to do something for ourselves. However, it is not selfish at all. If all you do is give to others, you will become depleted and resentful. At that point you won't have the energy to take care of yourself let alone your loved ones. If you had performed some self-care maintenance along the way, your tank would still be full and you would still be going strong.
Here is where the why comes into the equation. For the most part, our lives are out of balance. We act like we are computers. We try to get more done, faster with less breaks. We run around drinking more coffee to keep up the pace. Our schedules are full, the pace is quick and there is no time to waste. Our to-do list are the whats of our life. What do I have to do today? We often don't know how we will get it all done. However, we leave out the why. Just like a successful business starts with why, I feel that a balanced life involves taking a good look at our life and asking why we are doing what we are doing.
Let's begin:
Career
If you are currently employed, why do you work where you work? Be honest with yourself. Is this where you want to work or is it what others expect of you? If you are the busiest person at the office, why is that? Is it because you genuinely love your work and feel energized when you take on new projects or responsibilities? Or, is it because you don't have a life? Or, is it because you desperately want the approval of your boss and/or colleagues? If you find that you do not belong in this line of work and being there is making you sick, ask yourself what you might do instead. Why not try to get work that you love? Take a step each day in the direction of satisfying employment. Do an internet search, spruce up your resume, call a company, drop off or e-mail your resume, speak to others in the field etc...
Loved Ones
List all of the things you do with and for your loved ones. Why do you do these things? Divide them into two sections: things I enjoy and, things I do because I think I should. Keep doing what you enjoy and then examine your second list closely. Why do you do them? Are you trying to live up to an expectation? Is this something you have imposed upon yourself? Do you need to feel busy and important? See if you can delegate or divide some of the tasks you don't enjoy or value anymore. This will give you more time to do what you love.
Why Self-Care?
Now, take a piece of paper and divide it into two sections. On one side, write what happens when you don't make time for activities that energize you. On the other side, write all the activities you enjoy. Consider the cost to you and your loved ones if you don't learn to make self-care a part of your routine. Then browse through your list of activities you enjoy. Notice how much these activities cost. Chances are, they are pretty cheap. Most of the time, the women I work with just want to read a book, go for a walk in nature, have a warm bath, paint their nails, have coffee with a friend, create art or listen to music. These are not unrealistic, extravagant requests. The question then becomes "why not?". If enjoying simple acts of self-care make you a healthier person, a better partner, a happier mom and a more efficient employee, why wouldn't you indulge yourself on a regular basis?
If you want to take this one step further, create a collage of everything that makes you happy, energizes and, nourishes you. Flip through magazines or print images from an online source. Then assemble and organize these images on a big piece of craft paper (I like 18"x 24" as it's big enough to fit a variety of ideas but not so big that it is overwhelming). You can add a title, write affirmations or intentions on the paper and place it somewhere visible as a reminder to take some time for yourself.
www.artnsoul.org
I was feeling stuck today. I want to stick to my decision to write every day but I couldn't pick a topic. I decided to write about self-care because it is so important for women to learn to care as much about themselves as they do about others. It is also important for loved ones to see that we value ourselves. It's a reminder to your children that your life is more than just motherhood. It communicates to your partner that you expect to be treated with respect. It lets your boss know that your weekends are off-limits, that you have a life outside of working hours.
I was doing a search last week and I stumbled onto a video by a guy named Simon Sinek. He writes and speaks about leadership. His premise is that companies who don't strive, focus on what they are offering. Companies who succeed communicate why they exist. Between the "what" and the "why" is the "how". This is understanding how you achieve what you set out to do.
These two topics may not seem related but they are. Self-care is not about being selfish. Most of us emulate our earliest role models, women who served others first and put their needs last. Women who felt it was selfish to do something for ourselves. However, it is not selfish at all. If all you do is give to others, you will become depleted and resentful. At that point you won't have the energy to take care of yourself let alone your loved ones. If you had performed some self-care maintenance along the way, your tank would still be full and you would still be going strong.
Here is where the why comes into the equation. For the most part, our lives are out of balance. We act like we are computers. We try to get more done, faster with less breaks. We run around drinking more coffee to keep up the pace. Our schedules are full, the pace is quick and there is no time to waste. Our to-do list are the whats of our life. What do I have to do today? We often don't know how we will get it all done. However, we leave out the why. Just like a successful business starts with why, I feel that a balanced life involves taking a good look at our life and asking why we are doing what we are doing.
Let's begin:
Career
If you are currently employed, why do you work where you work? Be honest with yourself. Is this where you want to work or is it what others expect of you? If you are the busiest person at the office, why is that? Is it because you genuinely love your work and feel energized when you take on new projects or responsibilities? Or, is it because you don't have a life? Or, is it because you desperately want the approval of your boss and/or colleagues? If you find that you do not belong in this line of work and being there is making you sick, ask yourself what you might do instead. Why not try to get work that you love? Take a step each day in the direction of satisfying employment. Do an internet search, spruce up your resume, call a company, drop off or e-mail your resume, speak to others in the field etc...
Loved Ones
List all of the things you do with and for your loved ones. Why do you do these things? Divide them into two sections: things I enjoy and, things I do because I think I should. Keep doing what you enjoy and then examine your second list closely. Why do you do them? Are you trying to live up to an expectation? Is this something you have imposed upon yourself? Do you need to feel busy and important? See if you can delegate or divide some of the tasks you don't enjoy or value anymore. This will give you more time to do what you love.
Why Self-Care?
Now, take a piece of paper and divide it into two sections. On one side, write what happens when you don't make time for activities that energize you. On the other side, write all the activities you enjoy. Consider the cost to you and your loved ones if you don't learn to make self-care a part of your routine. Then browse through your list of activities you enjoy. Notice how much these activities cost. Chances are, they are pretty cheap. Most of the time, the women I work with just want to read a book, go for a walk in nature, have a warm bath, paint their nails, have coffee with a friend, create art or listen to music. These are not unrealistic, extravagant requests. The question then becomes "why not?". If enjoying simple acts of self-care make you a healthier person, a better partner, a happier mom and a more efficient employee, why wouldn't you indulge yourself on a regular basis?
If you want to take this one step further, create a collage of everything that makes you happy, energizes and, nourishes you. Flip through magazines or print images from an online source. Then assemble and organize these images on a big piece of craft paper (I like 18"x 24" as it's big enough to fit a variety of ideas but not so big that it is overwhelming). You can add a title, write affirmations or intentions on the paper and place it somewhere visible as a reminder to take some time for yourself.
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 22 January 2016
Book of the Week: Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle
January 22nd, 2016
This week's book was packed with information and, a bit hard to read at times, but so worth it. Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How To Break Free of Negativity and Drama is written by Doreen Virtue. This is a well-researched psychology book. I have read many books about PTSD and the information gets repetitive but there is new, useful information presented here and I encourage you to buy this book if you or someone you love is living with PTSD.
This book describes how our bodies and minds respond to stress then provides real tips to bring calm back into our lives. Doreen explains how people who have had trauma in their lives attract drama to them in order to stimulate stress hormones. Hyper vigilance, the tendency to be on high alert and looking for clues of danger, helps people feel safe. When they are calm, they feel vulnerable so they trigger stress hormones through drama because that feels more comfortable.
The author outlines four reactions to trauma:1-Fight (anger and aggression), 2-Flight (avoidant behaviour and fear), 3-Freeze (dissociation) and 4-Fawn (complying with others in order to stay safe). I had never heard about this fourth reaction but it makes sense if I think about the children I've worked with who come from homes with domestic violence. They become really skilled at reading their parent's facial expressions and moods and do what they can to be invisible and compliant, walking on egg shells to avoid violence.
You may have heard about the role of adrenaline in stress and PTSD, how it speeds up the central nervous system and keeps people hyper alert. Cortisol is a stress hormone that has received a lot of press due to the abundance of stressed out women with muffin tops. Cortisol stores fat reserves onto your stomach as a protective measure, in case you starve. What I had never heard of before is the role of histamines in the stress reaction.
When you eat something you are allergic to, your body releases histamines. It helps your body react to the allergen. Doreen states that we can become addicted to the foods we are allergic to, believing they are our favourite foods. What we like is the release of histamines which increases our alertness. She lists high histamine foods that people who have experienced trauma may become addicted to, these include: aged cheddar, red wine, balsamic vinegar, cured meats, soy sauce, pickles etc. I was blown away by this list. Do you know someone who loves that specific list of items? I do.
The book describes the symptoms of PTSD which Doreen suggests be re-named Post Traumatic Stress Reaction because it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I agree. The word "disorder" only serves to further stigmatize individuals who are trying to come to terms with what happened to them. She also covers topics such as Secondary Traumatic Stress (hearing about trauma from someone else or watching it on tv), Burnout Syndrome (when hard workers feel their efforts go unrecognized, become angry then stop caring) and, Complex PTSR (where the trauma was ongoing). This first section of the book can be difficult to read. If you are dealing with PTSR, I would recommend you read a bit at a time and make plans to see a trusted friend or therapist for support.
The second section of the book offers a variety of tools to reduce the stress in your life. Doreen recommends a "drama detox" which involves distancing yourself from the people in your life who create drama as well as recognizing your own drama patterns. Some of the her tips for getting calm include: listening to quiet, relaxing music, focusing on one moment at a time, buying a plant to practice caring for something, reducing your consumption of high histamine foods, connecting with nature, hanging out with your pet, stretching, getting creative, de-cluttering your home or having a warm bath.
There are strategies to avoid some of the cognitive traps like "what if" thinking or pessimism and diet tips to avoid binging. She provides alternatives to the many allergens your body is exposed to from carpet fumes, bedding, cosmetics, clothing, cleaning supplies, plastics and electromagnetic energy fields. Doreen proposes a variety of non-medicinal treatments for anxiety and depression to deter people from self-numbing with alcohol or drugs. Some of her suggestions are quite simple like chamomile tea, lavender essential oils, Saint-John's Wort, Melatonin, body work, restorative yoga and gratitude.
The last section of the book helps people who have survived trauma work through their tendency to isolate themselves and avoid human contact as a way to protect themselves in order to create healthy relationships. Individuals are urged to seek support and examine what feelings were at the root of their poor choices in the past so they can make better choices in the future. They are encouraged to nurture self-love and connect with their feelings and intuition in order to assess whether someone will be a good friend or not. The author suggests going to healthy environments to meet new people and taking their time getting to know new acquaintances before trusting them. She also recommends listening to the advice of trusted friends when they have misgivings about a new friend or love interest. Lastly, Doreen goes over some strategies to empower individuals who are trying to maintain a relationship with a dysfunctional family while preserving healthy boundaries.
I will recommend this book to many friends and clients. This is one of those books that I will keep in my library for years so I can consult it on a regular basis. I strongly recommend this book whether you are diagnosed with PTSR or are simply living a stressful life and looking for a way to become healthy and calm.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This week's book was packed with information and, a bit hard to read at times, but so worth it. Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How To Break Free of Negativity and Drama is written by Doreen Virtue. This is a well-researched psychology book. I have read many books about PTSD and the information gets repetitive but there is new, useful information presented here and I encourage you to buy this book if you or someone you love is living with PTSD.
This book describes how our bodies and minds respond to stress then provides real tips to bring calm back into our lives. Doreen explains how people who have had trauma in their lives attract drama to them in order to stimulate stress hormones. Hyper vigilance, the tendency to be on high alert and looking for clues of danger, helps people feel safe. When they are calm, they feel vulnerable so they trigger stress hormones through drama because that feels more comfortable.
The author outlines four reactions to trauma:1-Fight (anger and aggression), 2-Flight (avoidant behaviour and fear), 3-Freeze (dissociation) and 4-Fawn (complying with others in order to stay safe). I had never heard about this fourth reaction but it makes sense if I think about the children I've worked with who come from homes with domestic violence. They become really skilled at reading their parent's facial expressions and moods and do what they can to be invisible and compliant, walking on egg shells to avoid violence.
You may have heard about the role of adrenaline in stress and PTSD, how it speeds up the central nervous system and keeps people hyper alert. Cortisol is a stress hormone that has received a lot of press due to the abundance of stressed out women with muffin tops. Cortisol stores fat reserves onto your stomach as a protective measure, in case you starve. What I had never heard of before is the role of histamines in the stress reaction.
When you eat something you are allergic to, your body releases histamines. It helps your body react to the allergen. Doreen states that we can become addicted to the foods we are allergic to, believing they are our favourite foods. What we like is the release of histamines which increases our alertness. She lists high histamine foods that people who have experienced trauma may become addicted to, these include: aged cheddar, red wine, balsamic vinegar, cured meats, soy sauce, pickles etc. I was blown away by this list. Do you know someone who loves that specific list of items? I do.
The book describes the symptoms of PTSD which Doreen suggests be re-named Post Traumatic Stress Reaction because it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I agree. The word "disorder" only serves to further stigmatize individuals who are trying to come to terms with what happened to them. She also covers topics such as Secondary Traumatic Stress (hearing about trauma from someone else or watching it on tv), Burnout Syndrome (when hard workers feel their efforts go unrecognized, become angry then stop caring) and, Complex PTSR (where the trauma was ongoing). This first section of the book can be difficult to read. If you are dealing with PTSR, I would recommend you read a bit at a time and make plans to see a trusted friend or therapist for support.
The second section of the book offers a variety of tools to reduce the stress in your life. Doreen recommends a "drama detox" which involves distancing yourself from the people in your life who create drama as well as recognizing your own drama patterns. Some of the her tips for getting calm include: listening to quiet, relaxing music, focusing on one moment at a time, buying a plant to practice caring for something, reducing your consumption of high histamine foods, connecting with nature, hanging out with your pet, stretching, getting creative, de-cluttering your home or having a warm bath.
There are strategies to avoid some of the cognitive traps like "what if" thinking or pessimism and diet tips to avoid binging. She provides alternatives to the many allergens your body is exposed to from carpet fumes, bedding, cosmetics, clothing, cleaning supplies, plastics and electromagnetic energy fields. Doreen proposes a variety of non-medicinal treatments for anxiety and depression to deter people from self-numbing with alcohol or drugs. Some of her suggestions are quite simple like chamomile tea, lavender essential oils, Saint-John's Wort, Melatonin, body work, restorative yoga and gratitude.
The last section of the book helps people who have survived trauma work through their tendency to isolate themselves and avoid human contact as a way to protect themselves in order to create healthy relationships. Individuals are urged to seek support and examine what feelings were at the root of their poor choices in the past so they can make better choices in the future. They are encouraged to nurture self-love and connect with their feelings and intuition in order to assess whether someone will be a good friend or not. The author suggests going to healthy environments to meet new people and taking their time getting to know new acquaintances before trusting them. She also recommends listening to the advice of trusted friends when they have misgivings about a new friend or love interest. Lastly, Doreen goes over some strategies to empower individuals who are trying to maintain a relationship with a dysfunctional family while preserving healthy boundaries.
I will recommend this book to many friends and clients. This is one of those books that I will keep in my library for years so I can consult it on a regular basis. I strongly recommend this book whether you are diagnosed with PTSR or are simply living a stressful life and looking for a way to become healthy and calm.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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