November 29th, 2016
I can not believe how long it has been since I last posted on this blog. The past week has flown by with a combination of snow days, PD days and sick days. Today is the second snow day of the season but my children are happily playing upstairs. So, I am frantically attempting to write something before they realize I am being productive.
Last month, I read an article in Chatelaine about a woman who was describing how awesome her life was post-divorce. We get free copies of Chatelaine for some reason and I was thumbing through it at breakfast. I was shocked by the article. I know there are many relationships where the people are far better off when it's all over. However, I was struck by the tone of the article. It sounded like divorce was trendy, a lifestyle choice. The author boasted about sleeping in on weekends when the children were at their dad's house. She explained how great it was to have time for herself to take a bath and fold laundry at her own pace. She described how the children benefitted from each parent exposing them to different activities and interests. It sounded like a new ideal, the utopia of divorced couples.
My husband is a hairstylist. He hears about approximately two divorces per week. This is an alarming rate. He comes home after hearing the horror stories of court cases, money battles, children stuck in the middle and it really bothers him that these people are suffering. I hear from women in my work as a therapist. There is no party, only grief and disillusionment. Divorce is not the easy way out. It's not clean cut, straightforward or festive.
Just over a week after reading the article, I saw the movie, Bad Moms. I was really looking forward to it. I saw the trailer and laughed out loud. When we watched the entire movie however, I was surprised to encounter the same message as the article. The main character has a dead beat husband who cheats on her. She decides to kick him out. She spends her days partying with some new friends and driving her ex-husband's sports car. She also meets Mr Right immediately and had sex with him the day before she goes to marriage counselling with her husband. By the end of the movie, her ex and her are friendly, her kids are doing great, she is with the new hottie and has new friends. She has quit her job but it's ok because she's been promoted to a better job.
I want to be clear here that I am not anti-divorce. I know women struggle with the decision for years and often stay longer than they should to protect the children. I get that there are some relationships that have been so damaged by betrayal or abuse that they can never be fixed. What I object to is the glamorization of divorce. The concept that if your life or relationship sucks, you can just dump your husband and everything will fall into place. You will feel awesome and attract a new guy and live happily ever after.
The reality is that your life will be stressful, emotional and chaotic until you are done with the legal, financial aspect of your divorce. You will not feel like jumping into a new relationship. Your children will take their anger out on you even if they can clearly see that leaving your spouse was for the best. You will have to deal with all the issues that came up in your marriage, your fear of abandonment, your inability to trust, your need to control, whatever it is for you. If you jump into another relationship right away, you will only repeat the same painful patterns. Divorce, even when it's the right decision, is a painful transition and it takes time. Any article or movie that teaches you otherwise is misleading.
If you are thinking about leaving your spouse, ask yourself these questions:
1) If I was divorced, how would my life be different? What would I do that is different from my current life? Often, we imagine ourselves leading this exciting life as if our husbands were the only thing standing in our way. Can you implement any of these activities or behaviours in your life right now? You may be surprised by the impact this has on your relationship and your personal happiness.
2) What new behaviours or patterns would you initiate in your next relationship? Can you practice these new patterns in your current relationship? If you imagine yourself being sexually active in your next relationship but you are timid and reserved in this one, try experimenting with your current partner. Can you re-ignite your passion? Try role-playing.
3) Can you see any similarity between your parents' relationship and your own or, between your relationship with one of your parents and your current relationship with your spouse? If daddy always let you down, you may have learned to be self-sufficient. This could lead to shutting your spouse out of your life. Is there room for him? What would happen if you let him and asked him for help, support or affection? Are you willing to be vulnerable?
4) When was the last time you felt connected to your partner? Can you recall what attracted you to him? When did these feelings stop? Are they still there, somewhere? You may want to participate in activities you used to enjoy as a couple in those early days. How about a road trip without the kids? My husband and I love going to Montreal for an overnight.
5) Have you communicated with your husband? Many times, the truth comes out during the divorce process. None of the frustrations or complaints were addressed during the relationship. Then, the husband hears the truth from others or reads it on a court document. It may feel risky to open up a can of worms but it could help and is way less painful than getting divorced.
If you are getting divorced, here are some tips from my clients:
1) Don't make any huge plans or drastic changes right after the separation
2) Give yourself time to grieve
3) Your children are angry and they will act out but, over time, things will calm down, don't take their words personally, they will be loving again
4) Don't talk negatively to your children about their dad. This puts them in the middle and creates tension in them as they feel forced to choose between their parents (and lie to protect their feelings)
5) Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
6) Make self-care a priority
7) Keep your children's best interest at the centre of your interactions with your ex
8) Don't jump into a new relationship to avoid the pain
9) The pain and intensity of this experience will fade over time, it is temporary
10) Focus on moving on with your life and creating something positive rather than holding on to your feelings about your ex and punishing him (draining)
I hope this post has been useful.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Friday, 15 July 2016
10-10-10 and Decision Making
July 15th, 2016
This is my last blog until August 1st. I will not be writing during my mother-in-law's visit to our home.
I have been reading about a decision making technique called 10-10-10. When you have important decisions to make in your life, you ask yourself what impact your decision will have in ten minutes from now, in ten months and in ten years.
This seems simple but, as the book describes, it forces you to examine your values. I know that for myself, life changed after having my daughters. My goals were no longer the same. Therefore, I had to identify my new values in order to make a satisfying decision. I knew that I wanted to be present for my daughters, married to my husband into old age and healthy enough to enjoy my life. Those values are what led me to leave a well-paying, toxic job to stay home with my daughters. Those values guided me when I decided to work through every single issue that arose between my husband and I.
We all have different values based on our upbringing, our experiences and our temperament therefore the same decision will not have the same outcome for two different people.
This past week, when a friend's husband suddenly passed away, I was shaken. I thought about my days spent cleaning the house instead of playing with my children. I reconsidered my food choices and lack of exercise. What if I had a heart attack too. Would it be worth it just to eat those chips or that cinnamon roll? I imagine myself growing old, fit and active in my community. I always see myself as an elderly woman, doing yoga, barefoot, on a beach. That's not going to happen if I'm stuffing my face with salty and sweet treats.
Whether your decision is about work, love, parenting, health or personal growth, the 10-10-10 formula will take your values into consideration and force you to look at the big picture. Author Suzy Welch, presents a variety of case studies and shows the reader how analyzing the short term and long term consequences of a decision allows people to gain some distance from the situation, explain the decisions to others and involve them in the decision making process.
Try it out for yourself. Think about a decision that has been weighing you down. Create a general list of your values. Then, consider the impact of your decision in ten minutes, ten months and ten years. To me, the ten years timeline is always the telling part. It's helpful to describe the ten year scenario in writing, to feel what that outcome would be like and create a collage.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This is my last blog until August 1st. I will not be writing during my mother-in-law's visit to our home.
I have been reading about a decision making technique called 10-10-10. When you have important decisions to make in your life, you ask yourself what impact your decision will have in ten minutes from now, in ten months and in ten years.
This seems simple but, as the book describes, it forces you to examine your values. I know that for myself, life changed after having my daughters. My goals were no longer the same. Therefore, I had to identify my new values in order to make a satisfying decision. I knew that I wanted to be present for my daughters, married to my husband into old age and healthy enough to enjoy my life. Those values are what led me to leave a well-paying, toxic job to stay home with my daughters. Those values guided me when I decided to work through every single issue that arose between my husband and I.
We all have different values based on our upbringing, our experiences and our temperament therefore the same decision will not have the same outcome for two different people.
This past week, when a friend's husband suddenly passed away, I was shaken. I thought about my days spent cleaning the house instead of playing with my children. I reconsidered my food choices and lack of exercise. What if I had a heart attack too. Would it be worth it just to eat those chips or that cinnamon roll? I imagine myself growing old, fit and active in my community. I always see myself as an elderly woman, doing yoga, barefoot, on a beach. That's not going to happen if I'm stuffing my face with salty and sweet treats.
Whether your decision is about work, love, parenting, health or personal growth, the 10-10-10 formula will take your values into consideration and force you to look at the big picture. Author Suzy Welch, presents a variety of case studies and shows the reader how analyzing the short term and long term consequences of a decision allows people to gain some distance from the situation, explain the decisions to others and involve them in the decision making process.
Try it out for yourself. Think about a decision that has been weighing you down. Create a general list of your values. Then, consider the impact of your decision in ten minutes, ten months and ten years. To me, the ten years timeline is always the telling part. It's helpful to describe the ten year scenario in writing, to feel what that outcome would be like and create a collage.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
10-10-10 and Decision Making
July 15th, 2016
This is my last blog until August 1st. I will not be writing during my mother-in-law's visit to our home.
I have been reading about a decision making technique called 10-10-10. When you have important decisions to make in your life, you ask yourself what impact your decision will have in ten minutes from now, in ten months and in ten years.
This seems simple but, as the book describes, it forces you to examine your values. I know that for myself, life changed after having my daughters. My goals were no longer the same. Therefore, I had to identify my new values in order to make a satisfying decision. I knew that I wanted to be present for my daughters, married to my husband into old age and healthy enough to enjoy my life. Those values are what led me to leave a well-paying, toxic job to stay home with my daughters. Those values guided me when I decided to work through every single issue that arose between my husband and I.
We all have different values based on our upbringing, our experiences and our temperament therefore the same decision will not have the same outcome for two different people.
This past week, when a friend's husband suddenly passed away, I was shaken. I thought about my days spent cleaning the house instead of playing with my children. I reconsidered my food choices and lack of exercise. What if I had a heart attack too. Would it be worth it just to eat those chips or that cinnamon roll? I imagine myself growing old, fit and active in my community. I always see myself as an elderly woman, doing yoga, barefoot, on a beach. That's not going to happen if I'm stuffing my face with salty and sweet treats.
Whether your decision is about work, love, parenting, health or personal growth, the 10-10-10 formula will take your values into consideration and force you to look at the big picture. Author Suzy Welch, presents a variety of case studies and shows the reader how analyzing the short term and long term consequences of a decision allows people to gain some distance from the situation, explain the decisions to others and involve them in the decision making process.
Try it out for yourself. Think about a decision that has been weighing you down. Create a general list of your values. Then, consider the impact of your decision in ten minutes, ten months and ten years. To me, the ten years timeline is always the telling part. It's helpful to describe the ten year scenario in writing, to feel what that outcome would be like and create a collage.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This is my last blog until August 1st. I will not be writing during my mother-in-law's visit to our home.
I have been reading about a decision making technique called 10-10-10. When you have important decisions to make in your life, you ask yourself what impact your decision will have in ten minutes from now, in ten months and in ten years.
This seems simple but, as the book describes, it forces you to examine your values. I know that for myself, life changed after having my daughters. My goals were no longer the same. Therefore, I had to identify my new values in order to make a satisfying decision. I knew that I wanted to be present for my daughters, married to my husband into old age and healthy enough to enjoy my life. Those values are what led me to leave a well-paying, toxic job to stay home with my daughters. Those values guided me when I decided to work through every single issue that arose between my husband and I.
We all have different values based on our upbringing, our experiences and our temperament therefore the same decision will not have the same outcome for two different people.
This past week, when a friend's husband suddenly passed away, I was shaken. I thought about my days spent cleaning the house instead of playing with my children. I reconsidered my food choices and lack of exercise. What if I had a heart attack too. Would it be worth it just to eat those chips or that cinnamon roll? I imagine myself growing old, fit and active in my community. I always see myself as an elderly woman, doing yoga, barefoot, on a beach. That's not going to happen if I'm stuffing my face with salty and sweet treats.
Whether your decision is about work, love, parenting, health or personal growth, the 10-10-10 formula will take your values into consideration and force you to look at the big picture. Author Suzy Welch, presents a variety of case studies and shows the reader how analyzing the short term and long term consequences of a decision allows people to gain some distance from the situation, explain the decisions to others and involve them in the decision making process.
Try it out for yourself. Think about a decision that has been weighing you down. Create a general list of your values. Then, consider the impact of your decision in ten minutes, ten months and ten years. To me, the ten years timeline is always the telling part. It's helpful to describe the ten year scenario in writing, to feel what that outcome would be like and create a collage.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 11 July 2016
Pruning-A Life Strategy
July 11th, 2016
Today, I was tending the garden. I noticed that many of the flowers on our hanging plants were drying up from the intense sunlight. I started plucking the dried out flowers to make room for new growth. There are loads of buds ready to bloom. Our flowers will look amazing by the end of the week. I was never good with flowers in the past. I gave them too much water and never pruned them. I feared that I would remove too much and kill the plant. The earth would get mouldy and no new flowers would grow because the entire plant was packed with dead flowers. My husband showed me how to prune plants and flowers the first year we lived at this home. His grandmother had taught him the art of pruning in her rose garden in England.
As I pruned today, I thought about the parallels between my gardening style and my habits. I hang on to stuff way too long. I have a lot of clothing that I wore when I was a teenager. I no longer have the body of a teenager but I am attached to the clothing. Each dress has a story, a fun memory associated with it. I hold onto books and paperwork-scraps of paper with notes, insights from experiences or books and, awesome quotes.
I was thinking about the importance of pruning in life in general. At any given time, we can pretty much fill a few boxes with items we have outgrown or simply haven't used recently. Having a cluttered home feels heavy and drains our energy.
There are people in our lives who no longer belong there. You may need to let go of a spouse, a friend, a colleague or a relative. It can be painful to end a relationship even if it's long overdue. You are inflicting pain on another person and, a break-up entails conflict which can feel scary and uncomfortable. If that person is part of a group of friends, you may also fear the backlash from other members of that group as a result of your pruning.
I often meet people who need to change careers. They have been in the same job for ten years, they used to love it but they no longer care about it, they resent it and feel run down every day when they have to go to work.
Like me, you may need to prune your closet and keep only the clothing that still represents who you are then donate the rest.
Activities can also be pruned. Look at your schedule and put an "x" on all the items in your calendar that don't need to be there. We tend to fill our schedules and we rarely have time to assess these activities later on to see if they are still meaningful to us.
Life is meant to be savoured. How much of your life do you love? I remember when owning and pruning Bonzai trees were a trend. You had to know what to cut out and what to leave in. Our lives are like that. Sometimes we need to stop and examine our lives. We can prune away the items that are weighing us down and the people who are draining our energy. By paying attention to how much time we devote to activities we no longer enjoy compared to what lights us up, we can see what needs to go. Pruning our lives, like Bonzai trees, is an art. We need to know what fills us up and what empties us and act accordingly.
If you're curious, grab a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. Write a heading for each column; Fills Me, Empties Me. Then, list all the people and activities that fit into each column. You may be surprised by how uneven your columns are or by who and what ends up where. Happy pruning!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Today, I was tending the garden. I noticed that many of the flowers on our hanging plants were drying up from the intense sunlight. I started plucking the dried out flowers to make room for new growth. There are loads of buds ready to bloom. Our flowers will look amazing by the end of the week. I was never good with flowers in the past. I gave them too much water and never pruned them. I feared that I would remove too much and kill the plant. The earth would get mouldy and no new flowers would grow because the entire plant was packed with dead flowers. My husband showed me how to prune plants and flowers the first year we lived at this home. His grandmother had taught him the art of pruning in her rose garden in England.
As I pruned today, I thought about the parallels between my gardening style and my habits. I hang on to stuff way too long. I have a lot of clothing that I wore when I was a teenager. I no longer have the body of a teenager but I am attached to the clothing. Each dress has a story, a fun memory associated with it. I hold onto books and paperwork-scraps of paper with notes, insights from experiences or books and, awesome quotes.
I was thinking about the importance of pruning in life in general. At any given time, we can pretty much fill a few boxes with items we have outgrown or simply haven't used recently. Having a cluttered home feels heavy and drains our energy.
There are people in our lives who no longer belong there. You may need to let go of a spouse, a friend, a colleague or a relative. It can be painful to end a relationship even if it's long overdue. You are inflicting pain on another person and, a break-up entails conflict which can feel scary and uncomfortable. If that person is part of a group of friends, you may also fear the backlash from other members of that group as a result of your pruning.
I often meet people who need to change careers. They have been in the same job for ten years, they used to love it but they no longer care about it, they resent it and feel run down every day when they have to go to work.
Like me, you may need to prune your closet and keep only the clothing that still represents who you are then donate the rest.
Activities can also be pruned. Look at your schedule and put an "x" on all the items in your calendar that don't need to be there. We tend to fill our schedules and we rarely have time to assess these activities later on to see if they are still meaningful to us.
Life is meant to be savoured. How much of your life do you love? I remember when owning and pruning Bonzai trees were a trend. You had to know what to cut out and what to leave in. Our lives are like that. Sometimes we need to stop and examine our lives. We can prune away the items that are weighing us down and the people who are draining our energy. By paying attention to how much time we devote to activities we no longer enjoy compared to what lights us up, we can see what needs to go. Pruning our lives, like Bonzai trees, is an art. We need to know what fills us up and what empties us and act accordingly.
If you're curious, grab a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. Write a heading for each column; Fills Me, Empties Me. Then, list all the people and activities that fit into each column. You may be surprised by how uneven your columns are or by who and what ends up where. Happy pruning!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Male Caregivers
March 6th, 2016
I learned a lot from working in long term care. One of the things I noticed was how men and women approach caregiving. I was so intrigued that I did a research paper about it and was blown away by what I discovered.
Traditionally, women have been the caregivers. We are more likely to choose careers that involve caregiving such as nursing, teaching, social worker, speech pathologist, personal support worker etc. In our households, women generally took care of the children's needs and were more likely to take a maternity leave to devote as much time as possible with our children. We take care of our spouse, maintain connections with other family members, even our in-laws and we host gatherings in our homes.
Traditionally, men, in contrast, have worked outside the home and invested more time in relationships with colleagues or business contacts. They go to work, play a round of golf, stop off at the pub for a drink on their way home etc. At least, that is the way it used to be.
According to my research, as we age, women and men want different things. Women have raised their children and are looking for opportunities to connect with the outside world. They might go back to school to get a degree or get a job where they can use their skills and feel competent. Men have reached a certain level in their career and they are turning toward the homefront, looking for ways to contribute and connect with loved ones. They may mentor one of the adult offsprings or spend more time with them.
Here is the interesting part from a long term care perspective: when an aging parent needs care, each gender has a different reaction. If a woman is experiencing empty nest syndrome, the new caregiving responsibility may be a welcome task. However, if she is still caring for her children or if her children are now grown and she was in the process of training for a new job, this turn of events may leave her feeling resentful. She thought it was her turn to pursue her own goals but now, these have to be put on hold. There were some shocking statistics that indicated that women were more likely to burnout and be abusive toward their ailing parent. They feel burdened, isolated and unsupported.
Men who are asked to help care for an aging parent are more likely to enjoy this opportunity to help out a parent and use it as a bonding experience. They are generally in a position where they can take some time off work or they are retired. The way they care for a parent is different as well. They will ensure that the maintenance of the house and finances are looked after whether they do it themselves or pay someone to do it. They tend to decide what they can do and delegate the rest to others. If they have no siblings to help out, they will pay for the help or make arrangements for the parent to move to a home.
Women take everything on and feel guilty if they delegate caregiving tasks to an agency or personal support worker. Women feel that they should be helping the parent and the parent may encourage this saying they feel uncomfortable when someone else bathes them or that no one else can clean the house to their standards or they may complain about the food that gets delivered to their home. This results in a stressed daughter or daughter-in-law.
In most families there is a primary caregiver, usually a daughter or daughter-in-law. She is the one the parents turn to whenever anything goes wrong. The primary caregiver visits more often, takes on the most responsibilities, knows what medication the parents are taking, when their next appointment is and, who they have seen and for what, in the past. When the parents' health deteriorates, family members defer to the primary caregiver. She may ask for support from siblings but they are used to her doing everything and will most likely not step in or do very little. This is where the danger of burnout begins and why there is a risk that the caregiving relationship will become abusive.
There are lots of holes in our health care system. The caregiver can get lost looking for services that will help fill the gaps in her parent's life. It can seem easier at first just to plug in all those holes on her own. However, as the gaps become wider and the needs get more complex, the caregiver is often confronted with the reality that moving the parent to a facility may be the only logical solution. That is when I met most of the caregivers, during a visit to the long term care facility. The parent would visit, convinced that this was not going to happen. The daughter or daughter-in-law would look around, feeling emotional and guilty, worrying about this important decision, wishing someone else could take over.
We often leave men out of the caregiving equation, yet, research demonstrates that caregiving is developmentally appropriate and beneficial for middle-aged to older men and, that they are skilled at caregiving in a balanced way so they are less likely to burnout. We need to pay attention to this information and apply it by including men in conversations, training and decision-making. It could lead to less women feeling alone and overwhelmed while providing men with an opportunity to use their skills to serve their family. Food for thought.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I learned a lot from working in long term care. One of the things I noticed was how men and women approach caregiving. I was so intrigued that I did a research paper about it and was blown away by what I discovered.
Traditionally, women have been the caregivers. We are more likely to choose careers that involve caregiving such as nursing, teaching, social worker, speech pathologist, personal support worker etc. In our households, women generally took care of the children's needs and were more likely to take a maternity leave to devote as much time as possible with our children. We take care of our spouse, maintain connections with other family members, even our in-laws and we host gatherings in our homes.
Traditionally, men, in contrast, have worked outside the home and invested more time in relationships with colleagues or business contacts. They go to work, play a round of golf, stop off at the pub for a drink on their way home etc. At least, that is the way it used to be.
According to my research, as we age, women and men want different things. Women have raised their children and are looking for opportunities to connect with the outside world. They might go back to school to get a degree or get a job where they can use their skills and feel competent. Men have reached a certain level in their career and they are turning toward the homefront, looking for ways to contribute and connect with loved ones. They may mentor one of the adult offsprings or spend more time with them.
Here is the interesting part from a long term care perspective: when an aging parent needs care, each gender has a different reaction. If a woman is experiencing empty nest syndrome, the new caregiving responsibility may be a welcome task. However, if she is still caring for her children or if her children are now grown and she was in the process of training for a new job, this turn of events may leave her feeling resentful. She thought it was her turn to pursue her own goals but now, these have to be put on hold. There were some shocking statistics that indicated that women were more likely to burnout and be abusive toward their ailing parent. They feel burdened, isolated and unsupported.
Men who are asked to help care for an aging parent are more likely to enjoy this opportunity to help out a parent and use it as a bonding experience. They are generally in a position where they can take some time off work or they are retired. The way they care for a parent is different as well. They will ensure that the maintenance of the house and finances are looked after whether they do it themselves or pay someone to do it. They tend to decide what they can do and delegate the rest to others. If they have no siblings to help out, they will pay for the help or make arrangements for the parent to move to a home.
Women take everything on and feel guilty if they delegate caregiving tasks to an agency or personal support worker. Women feel that they should be helping the parent and the parent may encourage this saying they feel uncomfortable when someone else bathes them or that no one else can clean the house to their standards or they may complain about the food that gets delivered to their home. This results in a stressed daughter or daughter-in-law.
In most families there is a primary caregiver, usually a daughter or daughter-in-law. She is the one the parents turn to whenever anything goes wrong. The primary caregiver visits more often, takes on the most responsibilities, knows what medication the parents are taking, when their next appointment is and, who they have seen and for what, in the past. When the parents' health deteriorates, family members defer to the primary caregiver. She may ask for support from siblings but they are used to her doing everything and will most likely not step in or do very little. This is where the danger of burnout begins and why there is a risk that the caregiving relationship will become abusive.
There are lots of holes in our health care system. The caregiver can get lost looking for services that will help fill the gaps in her parent's life. It can seem easier at first just to plug in all those holes on her own. However, as the gaps become wider and the needs get more complex, the caregiver is often confronted with the reality that moving the parent to a facility may be the only logical solution. That is when I met most of the caregivers, during a visit to the long term care facility. The parent would visit, convinced that this was not going to happen. The daughter or daughter-in-law would look around, feeling emotional and guilty, worrying about this important decision, wishing someone else could take over.
We often leave men out of the caregiving equation, yet, research demonstrates that caregiving is developmentally appropriate and beneficial for middle-aged to older men and, that they are skilled at caregiving in a balanced way so they are less likely to burnout. We need to pay attention to this information and apply it by including men in conversations, training and decision-making. It could lead to less women feeling alone and overwhelmed while providing men with an opportunity to use their skills to serve their family. Food for thought.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 12 February 2016
Interview with a 40+ Woman-MT
February 12th, 2016
So far, most of the women I have interviewed are nearing the end of their 40s.I decided to seek out a women who is right at the beginning of this process. MT is forty years old. As I interviewed her I noticed a different feel to our discussion. Initially, she talked about turning 40. The number didn't really phase her. I asked if she felt that anything had changed since she turned 40. She said: "Not really, my life is just as crazy as it has always been". What was interesting to me was the level of awareness that grew as I asked each question. She re-considered her answer later on in the interview. "Actually, I have changed. I take better care of my health, I work out and I eat healthier foods".
MT feels like she is the same person she was before, however, she does feel more confident because she has had more life experience. Asked if she would change anything about her life she said she wishes she could have had her children earlier, she feels that she had them too late in life.
MT is most proud of the woman she has become with all of her life experiences. She is proud of the mother she has become as well. She now understands what it means to be married, to be a parent and have bills to pay. MT doesn't know why women undergo major changes in their forties. She thinks maybe it represents a halfway point and we feel ready for a change, just like men going through their midlife crisis.
Right now, the most important thing for MT is happiness, her own and her family's. She wants her husband and her children to live a happy life. Health is always at the forefront as well. It is more challenging for her to find the time to do things for self-care because her children are still young. However, when she has time, she enjoys meditating, reading Tarot cards, getting out to see a movie or going out for a walk. She enjoys walking in nature especially in the Fall, she hates the cold so she doesn't get out as much in the winter. When she needs comfort, she turns to her husband, her father and a few good friends.
There were questions that MT needed more time to answer. If I get more information, I will add them to this text at a later date. By the end of the interview she confided that she feels like she is in the midst of a transition. She has been in survival mode ever since she had her children. She anticipates many big decisions coming up in the next two to three years. I forwarded the link to this blog to MT. I hope she can gather some comfort from the words of the other 40+ ladies I have interviewed. They have been through this transition and are feeling much happier and leading more balanced lives. That is what I wish for you MT. Best of luck with these very important decisions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
So far, most of the women I have interviewed are nearing the end of their 40s.I decided to seek out a women who is right at the beginning of this process. MT is forty years old. As I interviewed her I noticed a different feel to our discussion. Initially, she talked about turning 40. The number didn't really phase her. I asked if she felt that anything had changed since she turned 40. She said: "Not really, my life is just as crazy as it has always been". What was interesting to me was the level of awareness that grew as I asked each question. She re-considered her answer later on in the interview. "Actually, I have changed. I take better care of my health, I work out and I eat healthier foods".
MT feels like she is the same person she was before, however, she does feel more confident because she has had more life experience. Asked if she would change anything about her life she said she wishes she could have had her children earlier, she feels that she had them too late in life.
MT is most proud of the woman she has become with all of her life experiences. She is proud of the mother she has become as well. She now understands what it means to be married, to be a parent and have bills to pay. MT doesn't know why women undergo major changes in their forties. She thinks maybe it represents a halfway point and we feel ready for a change, just like men going through their midlife crisis.
Right now, the most important thing for MT is happiness, her own and her family's. She wants her husband and her children to live a happy life. Health is always at the forefront as well. It is more challenging for her to find the time to do things for self-care because her children are still young. However, when she has time, she enjoys meditating, reading Tarot cards, getting out to see a movie or going out for a walk. She enjoys walking in nature especially in the Fall, she hates the cold so she doesn't get out as much in the winter. When she needs comfort, she turns to her husband, her father and a few good friends.
There were questions that MT needed more time to answer. If I get more information, I will add them to this text at a later date. By the end of the interview she confided that she feels like she is in the midst of a transition. She has been in survival mode ever since she had her children. She anticipates many big decisions coming up in the next two to three years. I forwarded the link to this blog to MT. I hope she can gather some comfort from the words of the other 40+ ladies I have interviewed. They have been through this transition and are feeling much happier and leading more balanced lives. That is what I wish for you MT. Best of luck with these very important decisions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 5 February 2016
Interview with a 40+ year old woman-HS
February 5th, 2016
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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