December 13th, 2016
Last week, I wrote about how shopping for loved ones puts me in the Christmas spirit. There was a snow day yesterday and we had a great time snuggling together, sipping soup and enjoying our day.
Today, I want to explore the flip side of this experience. There are many people who dread this season. Do you know someone who has lost a loved one? The first everything is very challenging. This season is full of traditions, routines and memories. When someone has passed on, it can change everything. Who will host Christmas dinner? Who will be invited? Who gets the decorations? It is normal to not want to decorate or celebrate without your loved one. It can be helpful to include them in the new traditions (e.g. leave a chair at the table for the loved one, have a photo displayed on the mantle, a new Christmas decoration for the tree or partaking in an activity that that person always enjoyed as a way of bringing them into the celebrations).
There are people for whom family reunions are painful. They may not feel emotionally or physically safe. What if your memories of Christmas with family include alcoholism, verbal and physical violence or sexual abuse? How can Christmas ever feel like a festive holiday season with such negative associations? Luckily, many individuals go on to have their own families and begin new traditions.
What about all the lonely people who feel excluded from the good cheer and gatherings? This can include newly divorced, recently immigrated, homeless, recovering addicts and alcoholics as well as a host of older adults in long term care facilities (just to name a few). When everything is closed for the holidays and you have no loved ones to celebrate with, this holiday season can feel quite lonely and depressing.
When I worked as a college professor, there were students excited to head home for the holiday, looking forward to good food and warm hugs. However, some students stayed behind. They spent the holidays on campus, in residence.
Hospitals and long term care facilities are the saddest places over the holidays. I remember carolling with staff and seeing residents cry or go in their bedrooms and close the door. It was just too sad. Again, a few would go home for the weekend with family but many were left behind. Some families dropped off gifts at the main desk but never went to visit their parent.
So, what can you do if you are alone or sad among a crowd of people during the holidays?
1-Write out the story that you are telling yourself about being alone over Christmas.
2-What are the beliefs supporting this story?
3-What would you tell someone else who was going through this experience?
4-How can you support yourself through this time?
5-Who could be your allies? Do you know anyone else who will be alone over the holidays or who is going through a similar situation? Collect like-minded people and make plans with them.
6-Create a list of what gives you pleasure and see how many of these activities you can fit into your holiday.
7-Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, 13 December 2016
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Divorce-Happily Ever After
November 29th, 2016
I can not believe how long it has been since I last posted on this blog. The past week has flown by with a combination of snow days, PD days and sick days. Today is the second snow day of the season but my children are happily playing upstairs. So, I am frantically attempting to write something before they realize I am being productive.
Last month, I read an article in Chatelaine about a woman who was describing how awesome her life was post-divorce. We get free copies of Chatelaine for some reason and I was thumbing through it at breakfast. I was shocked by the article. I know there are many relationships where the people are far better off when it's all over. However, I was struck by the tone of the article. It sounded like divorce was trendy, a lifestyle choice. The author boasted about sleeping in on weekends when the children were at their dad's house. She explained how great it was to have time for herself to take a bath and fold laundry at her own pace. She described how the children benefitted from each parent exposing them to different activities and interests. It sounded like a new ideal, the utopia of divorced couples.
My husband is a hairstylist. He hears about approximately two divorces per week. This is an alarming rate. He comes home after hearing the horror stories of court cases, money battles, children stuck in the middle and it really bothers him that these people are suffering. I hear from women in my work as a therapist. There is no party, only grief and disillusionment. Divorce is not the easy way out. It's not clean cut, straightforward or festive.
Just over a week after reading the article, I saw the movie, Bad Moms. I was really looking forward to it. I saw the trailer and laughed out loud. When we watched the entire movie however, I was surprised to encounter the same message as the article. The main character has a dead beat husband who cheats on her. She decides to kick him out. She spends her days partying with some new friends and driving her ex-husband's sports car. She also meets Mr Right immediately and had sex with him the day before she goes to marriage counselling with her husband. By the end of the movie, her ex and her are friendly, her kids are doing great, she is with the new hottie and has new friends. She has quit her job but it's ok because she's been promoted to a better job.
I want to be clear here that I am not anti-divorce. I know women struggle with the decision for years and often stay longer than they should to protect the children. I get that there are some relationships that have been so damaged by betrayal or abuse that they can never be fixed. What I object to is the glamorization of divorce. The concept that if your life or relationship sucks, you can just dump your husband and everything will fall into place. You will feel awesome and attract a new guy and live happily ever after.
The reality is that your life will be stressful, emotional and chaotic until you are done with the legal, financial aspect of your divorce. You will not feel like jumping into a new relationship. Your children will take their anger out on you even if they can clearly see that leaving your spouse was for the best. You will have to deal with all the issues that came up in your marriage, your fear of abandonment, your inability to trust, your need to control, whatever it is for you. If you jump into another relationship right away, you will only repeat the same painful patterns. Divorce, even when it's the right decision, is a painful transition and it takes time. Any article or movie that teaches you otherwise is misleading.
If you are thinking about leaving your spouse, ask yourself these questions:
1) If I was divorced, how would my life be different? What would I do that is different from my current life? Often, we imagine ourselves leading this exciting life as if our husbands were the only thing standing in our way. Can you implement any of these activities or behaviours in your life right now? You may be surprised by the impact this has on your relationship and your personal happiness.
2) What new behaviours or patterns would you initiate in your next relationship? Can you practice these new patterns in your current relationship? If you imagine yourself being sexually active in your next relationship but you are timid and reserved in this one, try experimenting with your current partner. Can you re-ignite your passion? Try role-playing.
3) Can you see any similarity between your parents' relationship and your own or, between your relationship with one of your parents and your current relationship with your spouse? If daddy always let you down, you may have learned to be self-sufficient. This could lead to shutting your spouse out of your life. Is there room for him? What would happen if you let him and asked him for help, support or affection? Are you willing to be vulnerable?
4) When was the last time you felt connected to your partner? Can you recall what attracted you to him? When did these feelings stop? Are they still there, somewhere? You may want to participate in activities you used to enjoy as a couple in those early days. How about a road trip without the kids? My husband and I love going to Montreal for an overnight.
5) Have you communicated with your husband? Many times, the truth comes out during the divorce process. None of the frustrations or complaints were addressed during the relationship. Then, the husband hears the truth from others or reads it on a court document. It may feel risky to open up a can of worms but it could help and is way less painful than getting divorced.
If you are getting divorced, here are some tips from my clients:
1) Don't make any huge plans or drastic changes right after the separation
2) Give yourself time to grieve
3) Your children are angry and they will act out but, over time, things will calm down, don't take their words personally, they will be loving again
4) Don't talk negatively to your children about their dad. This puts them in the middle and creates tension in them as they feel forced to choose between their parents (and lie to protect their feelings)
5) Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
6) Make self-care a priority
7) Keep your children's best interest at the centre of your interactions with your ex
8) Don't jump into a new relationship to avoid the pain
9) The pain and intensity of this experience will fade over time, it is temporary
10) Focus on moving on with your life and creating something positive rather than holding on to your feelings about your ex and punishing him (draining)
I hope this post has been useful.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I can not believe how long it has been since I last posted on this blog. The past week has flown by with a combination of snow days, PD days and sick days. Today is the second snow day of the season but my children are happily playing upstairs. So, I am frantically attempting to write something before they realize I am being productive.
Last month, I read an article in Chatelaine about a woman who was describing how awesome her life was post-divorce. We get free copies of Chatelaine for some reason and I was thumbing through it at breakfast. I was shocked by the article. I know there are many relationships where the people are far better off when it's all over. However, I was struck by the tone of the article. It sounded like divorce was trendy, a lifestyle choice. The author boasted about sleeping in on weekends when the children were at their dad's house. She explained how great it was to have time for herself to take a bath and fold laundry at her own pace. She described how the children benefitted from each parent exposing them to different activities and interests. It sounded like a new ideal, the utopia of divorced couples.
My husband is a hairstylist. He hears about approximately two divorces per week. This is an alarming rate. He comes home after hearing the horror stories of court cases, money battles, children stuck in the middle and it really bothers him that these people are suffering. I hear from women in my work as a therapist. There is no party, only grief and disillusionment. Divorce is not the easy way out. It's not clean cut, straightforward or festive.
Just over a week after reading the article, I saw the movie, Bad Moms. I was really looking forward to it. I saw the trailer and laughed out loud. When we watched the entire movie however, I was surprised to encounter the same message as the article. The main character has a dead beat husband who cheats on her. She decides to kick him out. She spends her days partying with some new friends and driving her ex-husband's sports car. She also meets Mr Right immediately and had sex with him the day before she goes to marriage counselling with her husband. By the end of the movie, her ex and her are friendly, her kids are doing great, she is with the new hottie and has new friends. She has quit her job but it's ok because she's been promoted to a better job.
I want to be clear here that I am not anti-divorce. I know women struggle with the decision for years and often stay longer than they should to protect the children. I get that there are some relationships that have been so damaged by betrayal or abuse that they can never be fixed. What I object to is the glamorization of divorce. The concept that if your life or relationship sucks, you can just dump your husband and everything will fall into place. You will feel awesome and attract a new guy and live happily ever after.
The reality is that your life will be stressful, emotional and chaotic until you are done with the legal, financial aspect of your divorce. You will not feel like jumping into a new relationship. Your children will take their anger out on you even if they can clearly see that leaving your spouse was for the best. You will have to deal with all the issues that came up in your marriage, your fear of abandonment, your inability to trust, your need to control, whatever it is for you. If you jump into another relationship right away, you will only repeat the same painful patterns. Divorce, even when it's the right decision, is a painful transition and it takes time. Any article or movie that teaches you otherwise is misleading.
If you are thinking about leaving your spouse, ask yourself these questions:
1) If I was divorced, how would my life be different? What would I do that is different from my current life? Often, we imagine ourselves leading this exciting life as if our husbands were the only thing standing in our way. Can you implement any of these activities or behaviours in your life right now? You may be surprised by the impact this has on your relationship and your personal happiness.
2) What new behaviours or patterns would you initiate in your next relationship? Can you practice these new patterns in your current relationship? If you imagine yourself being sexually active in your next relationship but you are timid and reserved in this one, try experimenting with your current partner. Can you re-ignite your passion? Try role-playing.
3) Can you see any similarity between your parents' relationship and your own or, between your relationship with one of your parents and your current relationship with your spouse? If daddy always let you down, you may have learned to be self-sufficient. This could lead to shutting your spouse out of your life. Is there room for him? What would happen if you let him and asked him for help, support or affection? Are you willing to be vulnerable?
4) When was the last time you felt connected to your partner? Can you recall what attracted you to him? When did these feelings stop? Are they still there, somewhere? You may want to participate in activities you used to enjoy as a couple in those early days. How about a road trip without the kids? My husband and I love going to Montreal for an overnight.
5) Have you communicated with your husband? Many times, the truth comes out during the divorce process. None of the frustrations or complaints were addressed during the relationship. Then, the husband hears the truth from others or reads it on a court document. It may feel risky to open up a can of worms but it could help and is way less painful than getting divorced.
If you are getting divorced, here are some tips from my clients:
1) Don't make any huge plans or drastic changes right after the separation
2) Give yourself time to grieve
3) Your children are angry and they will act out but, over time, things will calm down, don't take their words personally, they will be loving again
4) Don't talk negatively to your children about their dad. This puts them in the middle and creates tension in them as they feel forced to choose between their parents (and lie to protect their feelings)
5) Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
6) Make self-care a priority
7) Keep your children's best interest at the centre of your interactions with your ex
8) Don't jump into a new relationship to avoid the pain
9) The pain and intensity of this experience will fade over time, it is temporary
10) Focus on moving on with your life and creating something positive rather than holding on to your feelings about your ex and punishing him (draining)
I hope this post has been useful.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 17 October 2016
Mothers Without Babies
October 17th, 2016
Did you know that October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day? I didn't, until my mother saw an article in the Ottawa Metro Newspaper and brought it to my attention. I read the article and learned that "2,700 mothers... deliver stillborn babies every year in Canada". That is a huge number! Why do we not know about this? Also, I learned that parents lose their maternity benefits right away when the baby dies and only have ten days off work before they are expected to return. This is insane! Can you imagine the trauma of a miscarriage or stillbirth followed by a routine day at the office? You need to grieve and have a burial or ceremony but you're back at work dealing with people's questions and, sometimes, insensitive comments.
The thought of mothers leaving the hospital empty handed hits a nerve with me. When I was born, my mother's parents did not approve of her keeping me. I was bi-racial, she wasn't married and she could not afford to raise me on her own. My grandmother had raised five children and she feared that I would become her responsibility. My grandparents told my mother she could come home but not with a baby. Therefore, immediately after birth, I was taken away to an orphanage. It would be months before my mother was able to prove to Children's Aid that she was a responsible adult able to care for her child. My mother told me how difficult it was to leave the hospital without me. She wasn't able to breastfeed, she had to take medication to dry up her milk supply. Her breasts were engorged and painful. She went back to work where she was harassed and judged. I feel for her. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry, that we would be ok.
I have counselled women who have lost a child but I've never had a client who delivered a stillborn. That is why the statistic surprised me. One more thing I learned about in the article is how fathers are excluded from the grieving process. They have also experienced a loss but they are forgotten, neglected. This is sad. If the wife is grieving and getting support from loved ones but the husband is not included in the grieving process, it could impact their relationship. He may not want to try again if she is ever ready to do so. He may resent her for not including him in the process. She may feel angry if she feels that he is not supportive, not realizing that he has withdrawn due to pain and lack of support, not because he is indifferent. There is a huge need to educate the public about this. Luckily, there is an excellent resource for families who have lost a child, http://pailnetwork.ca.
When I was a university student, I worked with a woman in her forties who had an abortion in her twenties. One day, we had our break together and she told me about her daughter. She thought about her every day. She dreamed about her at night. She described what her daughter looked like, she aged in her dreams just as she would have if she had lived. I have encountered a great deal of women who complain of chronic pain. They come and see me for art therapy and we get to see the link between an abortion or miscarriage and the pain they were talking about. Once they tell me their story and create art to gain closure, the pain subsides.
That is just one more reason to include stories of loss in my upcoming book, The Mommy Monologues. I hope to share stories that will inspire mothers in all sorts of situations to speak to people about their experience and ask for support because they know they are not alone.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Did you know that October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day? I didn't, until my mother saw an article in the Ottawa Metro Newspaper and brought it to my attention. I read the article and learned that "2,700 mothers... deliver stillborn babies every year in Canada". That is a huge number! Why do we not know about this? Also, I learned that parents lose their maternity benefits right away when the baby dies and only have ten days off work before they are expected to return. This is insane! Can you imagine the trauma of a miscarriage or stillbirth followed by a routine day at the office? You need to grieve and have a burial or ceremony but you're back at work dealing with people's questions and, sometimes, insensitive comments.
The thought of mothers leaving the hospital empty handed hits a nerve with me. When I was born, my mother's parents did not approve of her keeping me. I was bi-racial, she wasn't married and she could not afford to raise me on her own. My grandmother had raised five children and she feared that I would become her responsibility. My grandparents told my mother she could come home but not with a baby. Therefore, immediately after birth, I was taken away to an orphanage. It would be months before my mother was able to prove to Children's Aid that she was a responsible adult able to care for her child. My mother told me how difficult it was to leave the hospital without me. She wasn't able to breastfeed, she had to take medication to dry up her milk supply. Her breasts were engorged and painful. She went back to work where she was harassed and judged. I feel for her. I wish I could go back in time and tell her not to worry, that we would be ok.
I have counselled women who have lost a child but I've never had a client who delivered a stillborn. That is why the statistic surprised me. One more thing I learned about in the article is how fathers are excluded from the grieving process. They have also experienced a loss but they are forgotten, neglected. This is sad. If the wife is grieving and getting support from loved ones but the husband is not included in the grieving process, it could impact their relationship. He may not want to try again if she is ever ready to do so. He may resent her for not including him in the process. She may feel angry if she feels that he is not supportive, not realizing that he has withdrawn due to pain and lack of support, not because he is indifferent. There is a huge need to educate the public about this. Luckily, there is an excellent resource for families who have lost a child, http://pailnetwork.ca.
When I was a university student, I worked with a woman in her forties who had an abortion in her twenties. One day, we had our break together and she told me about her daughter. She thought about her every day. She dreamed about her at night. She described what her daughter looked like, she aged in her dreams just as she would have if she had lived. I have encountered a great deal of women who complain of chronic pain. They come and see me for art therapy and we get to see the link between an abortion or miscarriage and the pain they were talking about. Once they tell me their story and create art to gain closure, the pain subsides.
That is just one more reason to include stories of loss in my upcoming book, The Mommy Monologues. I hope to share stories that will inspire mothers in all sorts of situations to speak to people about their experience and ask for support because they know they are not alone.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 5 September 2016
Back to School Jitters
September 5th, 2016
My daughters are partying today. They know that, as of tomorrow morning, their lives will change. Every day, we have the talk about homeschooling. "Why can't you just homeschool us?" they ask. Of course, in their minds, homeschooling would be just like summer holidays-the beach, trampoline, pets dolls, play dates, ice cream, parks, swimming and biking. When I explain that homeschooling means they would be studying the same topics as in school minus their friends, they get more contemplative and quiet.
This is a stressful time of the year for many parents and their children. Some children love school and count down the days. However, for many children, the anxiety of not knowing who will be in their class or who their home room teacher will be leads to worrying and sleepless nights.
I know that, as I type this, loads of parents are preparing to bring their 4 year olds to school for the first time. There will be nerves, tears, maybe guilt and that sinking feeling of emptiness once the child is officially in school.
As a former College Professor, I have seen the same anxiety play out with parents who are driving their young adult children to dorms out of town. They are super organized and very busy unpacking and walking around campus with their son or daughter to get them acquainted with the cafeteria, computer room, classrooms and financial aid office. Then, the dreaded moment arrives, the departure. The tension that has been pent up and hidden for the most part bursts opens like a dam. If you see a middle-aged couple sitting at a Tim's, cradling their cups, looking out the window with that far away gaze, you can bet they have just dropped off their college student.
Parents of teens have their own anxieties. Their teens will undoubtedly know many of the students in their grade but this is a new building. There is the knowledge that these teens are heading into a time of their life where parents are less able to shield and protect them. They will have many important choices to make and their future can be altered depending on those choices. Will they hang out with the "good" crowd of kids or the trouble makers? Will they spend their spare time studying or working on assignments or grabbing some lunch with friends and skipping a few classes? When they are out with their friends, will they be offered smokes, alcohol or drugs? Will they accept or decline the offers? When will they have sex? Will they bother to use contraceptives?
When I was starting my first year in University, a friend of my mom gave me great advice. She said: "Everyone is nervous, they are all feeling the same as you so reach out to them and they will be grateful to have someone to talk to". My first class was an elective German class. I looked around. No one was talking. I turned to the person next to me and started a conversation. The students around us were all listening to our conversation and I made eye contact to include as many as I could. I am a super shy person but her advice gave me the confidence to initiate conversations because I felt like I was helping put others at ease. I forgot about my own fears and anxieties. Thanks Beth!
So, whether your child is returning to elementary school, high school, College or University, there are things you can do to help him/her adjust and, to keep yourself from having a cardiac arrest.
Young child starting Junior Kindergarten:
If your child has not been in daycare, going to play groups is a great way to acquaint them with some of the elements of school such as carpet time, putting shoes and coats away in a cubby, eating out of a lunch kit etc. For children who have never been apart from parents, you may want to try out short programs like gymnastics, art classes, swimming or some kind of experience where they must transfer their trust and attachment to another adult. This teaches them that they can be safe and happy away from you. You can practise writing their name, learning their address and phone number and reciting the alphabet so these notions are familiar to them. Show them all their school supplies. Do they know how to open everything? This helps them feel independent. Can they put on and remove their velcro sneakers on their own? Are they able to take off their coat? It's a good idea to visit the classroom prior to the first day of school, meet the teacher and get acquainted with the layout-where to put shoes, location of desk, place on carpet etc. Talking about what to expect is also beneficial. On the first morning of school, providing a filling breakfast, speaking positively about starting school and having a clean cut off point are all helpful. I waited too long with my youngest. I was standing outside the school yard and when the time came to go into class, my daughter ran to the fence and tried to climb it. The teacher had to pull her off the fence and carry her off. It hurt so bad, I cried all morning. It would have been easier if I went with her to meet the teacher then kissed her, wished her a good first day of school and walked to my car. I just couldn't do it.
Teenagers:
Depending on your relationship with your teen and their personality, you could go out somewhere special and talk about their feelings re: their transition to high school. Visiting the school ahead of time is also a good idea as they know where to go on the first day when the halls are crowded. Meeting the teachers, if possible, is an excellent start. Having a great dialogue with your teen means he or she will be able to discuss issues with you as they come up. Planning to meet up with friends and walk to school together can go a long way toward reducing anxiety about being alone or self-conscious. Welcoming their friends into your home will increase your connection to your teen's friends. You will hear your teen speak freely about fears. It also gives you an opportunity to troubleshoot with them as a group. Being available to talk about the first day after school in a casual way-going for a walk or drive or, while preparing a meal, allows your teen to talk without having to look at you directly. My best conversations with teens in my theatre program was often as we were walking to class not when they sat across from me at the office.
Young Adults:
If your child is off to College or University, you want to make sure you have provided some basic every day living skills. They can cook a few meals, they know how to do their own laundry, they have a budget and know how to manage it, they are acquainted with the buses that can take them to important locations and have a meal plan. Again, visiting the campus, meeting faculty and touring facilities ahead of time makes everything more familiar once your son or daughter moves to the new city. You'll want to explore the city together and find places your child can go-library, coffeehouse, grocery store, bank, movie theatre etc. Letting your son or daughter know that you are just a phone call away and that you love them no matter what will empower them to make good choices while they are away. Troubleshooting is also beneficial. What if they go to a party with someone and that person has too much to drink? If they can't call you because you are out of town, what could they do to get home safely? The more organized they are prior to the first day and the more life skills you have given them, the easier the adjustment.
What about the parents after the child is in school? Empty nesters often feel depressed, lost, sad and confused once the children are in school. Plan something fun for that first day. Go and see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a good book and plan to start it in a warm bath. If you are a stay-at-home parent and your days feel empty without your children, consider volunteering somewhere or working part-time or start a new hobby.
Whatever the circumstances, you are not alone. Talk to people about your feelings and you will hear their stories as well. You may even make a good friend. Good luck to all the parents tomorrow.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
My daughters are partying today. They know that, as of tomorrow morning, their lives will change. Every day, we have the talk about homeschooling. "Why can't you just homeschool us?" they ask. Of course, in their minds, homeschooling would be just like summer holidays-the beach, trampoline, pets dolls, play dates, ice cream, parks, swimming and biking. When I explain that homeschooling means they would be studying the same topics as in school minus their friends, they get more contemplative and quiet.
This is a stressful time of the year for many parents and their children. Some children love school and count down the days. However, for many children, the anxiety of not knowing who will be in their class or who their home room teacher will be leads to worrying and sleepless nights.
I know that, as I type this, loads of parents are preparing to bring their 4 year olds to school for the first time. There will be nerves, tears, maybe guilt and that sinking feeling of emptiness once the child is officially in school.
As a former College Professor, I have seen the same anxiety play out with parents who are driving their young adult children to dorms out of town. They are super organized and very busy unpacking and walking around campus with their son or daughter to get them acquainted with the cafeteria, computer room, classrooms and financial aid office. Then, the dreaded moment arrives, the departure. The tension that has been pent up and hidden for the most part bursts opens like a dam. If you see a middle-aged couple sitting at a Tim's, cradling their cups, looking out the window with that far away gaze, you can bet they have just dropped off their college student.
Parents of teens have their own anxieties. Their teens will undoubtedly know many of the students in their grade but this is a new building. There is the knowledge that these teens are heading into a time of their life where parents are less able to shield and protect them. They will have many important choices to make and their future can be altered depending on those choices. Will they hang out with the "good" crowd of kids or the trouble makers? Will they spend their spare time studying or working on assignments or grabbing some lunch with friends and skipping a few classes? When they are out with their friends, will they be offered smokes, alcohol or drugs? Will they accept or decline the offers? When will they have sex? Will they bother to use contraceptives?
When I was starting my first year in University, a friend of my mom gave me great advice. She said: "Everyone is nervous, they are all feeling the same as you so reach out to them and they will be grateful to have someone to talk to". My first class was an elective German class. I looked around. No one was talking. I turned to the person next to me and started a conversation. The students around us were all listening to our conversation and I made eye contact to include as many as I could. I am a super shy person but her advice gave me the confidence to initiate conversations because I felt like I was helping put others at ease. I forgot about my own fears and anxieties. Thanks Beth!
So, whether your child is returning to elementary school, high school, College or University, there are things you can do to help him/her adjust and, to keep yourself from having a cardiac arrest.
Young child starting Junior Kindergarten:
If your child has not been in daycare, going to play groups is a great way to acquaint them with some of the elements of school such as carpet time, putting shoes and coats away in a cubby, eating out of a lunch kit etc. For children who have never been apart from parents, you may want to try out short programs like gymnastics, art classes, swimming or some kind of experience where they must transfer their trust and attachment to another adult. This teaches them that they can be safe and happy away from you. You can practise writing their name, learning their address and phone number and reciting the alphabet so these notions are familiar to them. Show them all their school supplies. Do they know how to open everything? This helps them feel independent. Can they put on and remove their velcro sneakers on their own? Are they able to take off their coat? It's a good idea to visit the classroom prior to the first day of school, meet the teacher and get acquainted with the layout-where to put shoes, location of desk, place on carpet etc. Talking about what to expect is also beneficial. On the first morning of school, providing a filling breakfast, speaking positively about starting school and having a clean cut off point are all helpful. I waited too long with my youngest. I was standing outside the school yard and when the time came to go into class, my daughter ran to the fence and tried to climb it. The teacher had to pull her off the fence and carry her off. It hurt so bad, I cried all morning. It would have been easier if I went with her to meet the teacher then kissed her, wished her a good first day of school and walked to my car. I just couldn't do it.
Teenagers:
Depending on your relationship with your teen and their personality, you could go out somewhere special and talk about their feelings re: their transition to high school. Visiting the school ahead of time is also a good idea as they know where to go on the first day when the halls are crowded. Meeting the teachers, if possible, is an excellent start. Having a great dialogue with your teen means he or she will be able to discuss issues with you as they come up. Planning to meet up with friends and walk to school together can go a long way toward reducing anxiety about being alone or self-conscious. Welcoming their friends into your home will increase your connection to your teen's friends. You will hear your teen speak freely about fears. It also gives you an opportunity to troubleshoot with them as a group. Being available to talk about the first day after school in a casual way-going for a walk or drive or, while preparing a meal, allows your teen to talk without having to look at you directly. My best conversations with teens in my theatre program was often as we were walking to class not when they sat across from me at the office.
Young Adults:
If your child is off to College or University, you want to make sure you have provided some basic every day living skills. They can cook a few meals, they know how to do their own laundry, they have a budget and know how to manage it, they are acquainted with the buses that can take them to important locations and have a meal plan. Again, visiting the campus, meeting faculty and touring facilities ahead of time makes everything more familiar once your son or daughter moves to the new city. You'll want to explore the city together and find places your child can go-library, coffeehouse, grocery store, bank, movie theatre etc. Letting your son or daughter know that you are just a phone call away and that you love them no matter what will empower them to make good choices while they are away. Troubleshooting is also beneficial. What if they go to a party with someone and that person has too much to drink? If they can't call you because you are out of town, what could they do to get home safely? The more organized they are prior to the first day and the more life skills you have given them, the easier the adjustment.
What about the parents after the child is in school? Empty nesters often feel depressed, lost, sad and confused once the children are in school. Plan something fun for that first day. Go and see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a good book and plan to start it in a warm bath. If you are a stay-at-home parent and your days feel empty without your children, consider volunteering somewhere or working part-time or start a new hobby.
Whatever the circumstances, you are not alone. Talk to people about your feelings and you will hear their stories as well. You may even make a good friend. Good luck to all the parents tomorrow.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 12 July 2016
Mortality
July 12th, 2016
I didn't have to wonder what to write about tonight. Two years ago today, my husband and I were in a car crash. We went out for a date and had a great time. On our way back, mere blocks from our home, a teenager, texting while driving hit our car from behind. I hit the back of my head so hard, my sunglasses flew off. I found them weeks later in the wreckage. I went for massage therapy then physiotherapy and biofeedback. I am much better now but I still have reminders of the accident when I can't find the word I am looking for, when I am exhausted at the end of the day, when my head or neck hurt or I feel dizzy. However, I feel grateful to be alive.
Today, two years later, my husband and I received some terrible news. A friend of ours has lost her husband. Our babysitter and her sister have lost their dad. He died from a heart attack at work. We found out from one of his co-workers who just happened to be my husband's friend. He was only 52 years old, he wasn't ill, there was no warning, he went to work and didn't return. We were all shocked, wondering, hoping it was a case of mistaken identity. It wasn't.
My husband and his friend went out for drinks as they do every two weeks. They talked about their lives, reviewed their decisions and assessed their priorities. It was a sobering evening to say the least.
I was at home with our daughters. They were very sad to hear that their favourite babysitter's father had died. They couldn't believe it was true. They thought about their own father who was out for the evening. The possibility that he wouldn't come home felt excruciating and frightening. As I spent time with them, I felt so grateful to be alive, to have the opportunity to create memories with them.
Throughout the evening, I did my own soul searching. If I died today, what would be left undone, what would I regret? The biggest loss would be not being around to raise my daughters. I love them so much and I want to be here for them every step of the way. I started to mentally create a bucket list. What do I absolutely want to do before I die?
Here is what I've come up with so far:
1-Raise two confident, compassionate, kind and generous girls
2-Travel through Canada, the USA, Australia and Europe
3-Learn to live sustainably-grow my own food, use solar energy, have an eco-friendly home
4-Take care of my mother financially so she can enjoy her golden years
5-Become a published author
6-Give at least one Ted Talk
7-Master at least one art form
8-Grow into a fit older lady
9-Find a way to ensure every child in my town has food and warm clothing in the winter
10-Empower women to support their families
When someone dies, it is a wake-up call. Are we wasting time or do we use each day to create something good? Have we set goals? Are we progressing toward them? Does our life truly reflect our values? Take a moment to create your bucket list. What would you like to accomplish in this lifetime? Stop putting it off. Start now.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I didn't have to wonder what to write about tonight. Two years ago today, my husband and I were in a car crash. We went out for a date and had a great time. On our way back, mere blocks from our home, a teenager, texting while driving hit our car from behind. I hit the back of my head so hard, my sunglasses flew off. I found them weeks later in the wreckage. I went for massage therapy then physiotherapy and biofeedback. I am much better now but I still have reminders of the accident when I can't find the word I am looking for, when I am exhausted at the end of the day, when my head or neck hurt or I feel dizzy. However, I feel grateful to be alive.
Today, two years later, my husband and I received some terrible news. A friend of ours has lost her husband. Our babysitter and her sister have lost their dad. He died from a heart attack at work. We found out from one of his co-workers who just happened to be my husband's friend. He was only 52 years old, he wasn't ill, there was no warning, he went to work and didn't return. We were all shocked, wondering, hoping it was a case of mistaken identity. It wasn't.
My husband and his friend went out for drinks as they do every two weeks. They talked about their lives, reviewed their decisions and assessed their priorities. It was a sobering evening to say the least.
I was at home with our daughters. They were very sad to hear that their favourite babysitter's father had died. They couldn't believe it was true. They thought about their own father who was out for the evening. The possibility that he wouldn't come home felt excruciating and frightening. As I spent time with them, I felt so grateful to be alive, to have the opportunity to create memories with them.
Throughout the evening, I did my own soul searching. If I died today, what would be left undone, what would I regret? The biggest loss would be not being around to raise my daughters. I love them so much and I want to be here for them every step of the way. I started to mentally create a bucket list. What do I absolutely want to do before I die?
Here is what I've come up with so far:
1-Raise two confident, compassionate, kind and generous girls
2-Travel through Canada, the USA, Australia and Europe
3-Learn to live sustainably-grow my own food, use solar energy, have an eco-friendly home
4-Take care of my mother financially so she can enjoy her golden years
5-Become a published author
6-Give at least one Ted Talk
7-Master at least one art form
8-Grow into a fit older lady
9-Find a way to ensure every child in my town has food and warm clothing in the winter
10-Empower women to support their families
When someone dies, it is a wake-up call. Are we wasting time or do we use each day to create something good? Have we set goals? Are we progressing toward them? Does our life truly reflect our values? Take a moment to create your bucket list. What would you like to accomplish in this lifetime? Stop putting it off. Start now.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 27 June 2016
Jean Sebastien Charron
June 27th, 2016
On Saturday, I took my eldest daughter, Molly, to her dentist appointment. My mother was at home with my youngest so it was nice for us to have some time alone. As the dental hygienist was preparing the station for Molly's appointment, I noticed a tattoo on the back of her neck. It said 11:11. I asked her about the meaning of her tattoo. She said her grandma used to tell her to make a wish each time she saw 11:11 on the clock. Her grandma was very superstitious and after she passed away, the dental hygienist had that tattooed on the back of her neck.
I told her the story I have written about in a previous blog:
After my 17 year old cousin, Jean Sebastien, passed away, I saw 10:10 on clocks everywhere I went. I also heard the same songs we were listening to during our visit at his parents' house after his death-Hotel California and Stairway to Heaven. We had listened to a cd of Jean Sebastien trying to master these songs on the guitar and singing along. I asked my Godparents, his parents, if 10:10 had any significance. I was thinking maybe October 10th was an important date. They said it wasn't. From the moment I asked that question, I started to see 11:11 everywhere I went. I realized it wasn't the number itself, just the repetition. It became a symbol for me that I was not alone.
Whenever I had something important planned like my wedding, a surgery to have cysts removed from my ovaries or a court case (after we moved into this house and the lady who bought our old property sued our real estate agent and us because she wanted our furniture) it was always scheduled at 11 on the 11th. I didn't plan this. It just happened that way.
A week ago, I was sitting outside with my family eating a delicious BBQ supper on the deck. After supper, my youngest daughter, Stella, was eating dessert. The others had gone in but I sat next to her. She looked over to the right side of the yard, passed me. She smiled and waved. I asked her who she was waving at. She said: "An angel". I asked her if the angel had waved at her. She replied: "No, the angels don't have bodies. They are like moons. They glow and they're blurry." I sat there, silent, taking in this information. Stella added: "I see them all the time" in a no big deal tone of voice.
After Molly's dentist appointment, I came home and told my mother about the 11:11 tattoo. She told me that day, June 25th, was the 25th anniversary of the accident that took my cousin's life. All the hairs stood up on my body. Was that his way of saying hello and reminding me of this anniversary?
Jean Sebastien was 17 years old, riding his bicycle over to a friend's house when an older man who had already lost his licence for impaired driving hit him. He was hit so hard that his shoe was later retrieved from a nearby tree. His body had been flung from the bike. The drunk man didn't even stick around. He may have not even noticed he had killed someone. My Godparents never got to speak to their son again. He was brain dead after the impact. They sat by his bed at the hospital, holding his hands. His organs were harvested and he was taken off life support. A family and an entire community had lost a soul.
I was never close to my cousin before this point. He lived five hours away and he always visited his mom's side of the family when they came to town so I didn't get to know him. As my entire family went to see my Godparents, I learned that Jean Sebastien planned to be a lawyer. He was involved in his community. He was a member of a local theatre group. He sat on a St-Jean Baptiste float just a day before the accident. I discovered that he had a great sense of humour and that he was learning to play guitar. He had several girlfriends and they all grieved together. He was popular. Lots of youth joined us for the ceremony. All I can remember from his funeral was that the priest kept getting his name wrong-really annoying.
After his death, my Godparents offered to help me pay for my studies. I was in university and relying on OSAP to help me cover student loans. Initially, I wondered if this was a goo idea. I was grateful for their offer but I didn't know them very well. I felt guilty that I would get the money they had set aside for their deceased son. We were staying in their home during our visit. That night, we slept in my cousin's bedroom. I was trying to complete some homework in an adjacent office space and the lights in the room kept flickering. The computer wouldn't work properly. I strongly felt a presence next to me and I was sitting in the dark. The only light came from my computer. I freaked out and told my mother about it. As we spoke, the night light in the bedroom flickered.
My life changed that day. I was able to graduate with a BA in Psychology four years later. My grades improved because I knew I could actually do this. I went on to get more degrees. Most of all, I felt like we were doing it together. I would see 10:10 or 11:11 on days when I had an important assignment, exam or presentation. I would hear Hotel California or Stairway to Heaven everywhere I went. I actually had a conversation with Jean Sebastien as I slept on the bus going to Montreal for my studies one day. In my dream, he was sitting next to me on the bus and we had a long conversation. I don't remember the content, just that he was there and we were enjoying each other's company. To this day, I mess up computers. Whenever I try to do anything with technology my energy or our combined energy makes the system go haywire. Every time I am alone, driving the convertible, enjoying the sensation of the wind whipping through my hair and music blasting from the speakers, I feel him sitting next to me, enjoying every minute of it.
I am so grateful to my Godparents who believed in me and invested in me at the most challenging time in their lives. Without them, I would have graduated with debt. I would never have pursued anything beyond my BA. Now, thanks to my education and the hard work that comes from believing that anything is possible, I have broken he cycle of poverty. I live comfortably with my family. My daughters have never been hungry or frightened that we couldn't afford our bills. They have warm coats, boots, hats and mitts in the winter and I get to work from home so I can enjoy our summers together.
I am learning to invest my money in order to generate more wealth for my later years and, to contribute to my community. My Godparents' generosity has inspired me to help others any time I can. I would not be the person I am today if I had not been supported by them.
Thank you Jean Charron!
Thank you Pierrette Rozon!
Thank you Jean Sebastien Charron!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
On Saturday, I took my eldest daughter, Molly, to her dentist appointment. My mother was at home with my youngest so it was nice for us to have some time alone. As the dental hygienist was preparing the station for Molly's appointment, I noticed a tattoo on the back of her neck. It said 11:11. I asked her about the meaning of her tattoo. She said her grandma used to tell her to make a wish each time she saw 11:11 on the clock. Her grandma was very superstitious and after she passed away, the dental hygienist had that tattooed on the back of her neck.
I told her the story I have written about in a previous blog:
After my 17 year old cousin, Jean Sebastien, passed away, I saw 10:10 on clocks everywhere I went. I also heard the same songs we were listening to during our visit at his parents' house after his death-Hotel California and Stairway to Heaven. We had listened to a cd of Jean Sebastien trying to master these songs on the guitar and singing along. I asked my Godparents, his parents, if 10:10 had any significance. I was thinking maybe October 10th was an important date. They said it wasn't. From the moment I asked that question, I started to see 11:11 everywhere I went. I realized it wasn't the number itself, just the repetition. It became a symbol for me that I was not alone.
Whenever I had something important planned like my wedding, a surgery to have cysts removed from my ovaries or a court case (after we moved into this house and the lady who bought our old property sued our real estate agent and us because she wanted our furniture) it was always scheduled at 11 on the 11th. I didn't plan this. It just happened that way.
A week ago, I was sitting outside with my family eating a delicious BBQ supper on the deck. After supper, my youngest daughter, Stella, was eating dessert. The others had gone in but I sat next to her. She looked over to the right side of the yard, passed me. She smiled and waved. I asked her who she was waving at. She said: "An angel". I asked her if the angel had waved at her. She replied: "No, the angels don't have bodies. They are like moons. They glow and they're blurry." I sat there, silent, taking in this information. Stella added: "I see them all the time" in a no big deal tone of voice.
After Molly's dentist appointment, I came home and told my mother about the 11:11 tattoo. She told me that day, June 25th, was the 25th anniversary of the accident that took my cousin's life. All the hairs stood up on my body. Was that his way of saying hello and reminding me of this anniversary?
Jean Sebastien was 17 years old, riding his bicycle over to a friend's house when an older man who had already lost his licence for impaired driving hit him. He was hit so hard that his shoe was later retrieved from a nearby tree. His body had been flung from the bike. The drunk man didn't even stick around. He may have not even noticed he had killed someone. My Godparents never got to speak to their son again. He was brain dead after the impact. They sat by his bed at the hospital, holding his hands. His organs were harvested and he was taken off life support. A family and an entire community had lost a soul.
I was never close to my cousin before this point. He lived five hours away and he always visited his mom's side of the family when they came to town so I didn't get to know him. As my entire family went to see my Godparents, I learned that Jean Sebastien planned to be a lawyer. He was involved in his community. He was a member of a local theatre group. He sat on a St-Jean Baptiste float just a day before the accident. I discovered that he had a great sense of humour and that he was learning to play guitar. He had several girlfriends and they all grieved together. He was popular. Lots of youth joined us for the ceremony. All I can remember from his funeral was that the priest kept getting his name wrong-really annoying.
After his death, my Godparents offered to help me pay for my studies. I was in university and relying on OSAP to help me cover student loans. Initially, I wondered if this was a goo idea. I was grateful for their offer but I didn't know them very well. I felt guilty that I would get the money they had set aside for their deceased son. We were staying in their home during our visit. That night, we slept in my cousin's bedroom. I was trying to complete some homework in an adjacent office space and the lights in the room kept flickering. The computer wouldn't work properly. I strongly felt a presence next to me and I was sitting in the dark. The only light came from my computer. I freaked out and told my mother about it. As we spoke, the night light in the bedroom flickered.
My life changed that day. I was able to graduate with a BA in Psychology four years later. My grades improved because I knew I could actually do this. I went on to get more degrees. Most of all, I felt like we were doing it together. I would see 10:10 or 11:11 on days when I had an important assignment, exam or presentation. I would hear Hotel California or Stairway to Heaven everywhere I went. I actually had a conversation with Jean Sebastien as I slept on the bus going to Montreal for my studies one day. In my dream, he was sitting next to me on the bus and we had a long conversation. I don't remember the content, just that he was there and we were enjoying each other's company. To this day, I mess up computers. Whenever I try to do anything with technology my energy or our combined energy makes the system go haywire. Every time I am alone, driving the convertible, enjoying the sensation of the wind whipping through my hair and music blasting from the speakers, I feel him sitting next to me, enjoying every minute of it.
I am so grateful to my Godparents who believed in me and invested in me at the most challenging time in their lives. Without them, I would have graduated with debt. I would never have pursued anything beyond my BA. Now, thanks to my education and the hard work that comes from believing that anything is possible, I have broken he cycle of poverty. I live comfortably with my family. My daughters have never been hungry or frightened that we couldn't afford our bills. They have warm coats, boots, hats and mitts in the winter and I get to work from home so I can enjoy our summers together.
I am learning to invest my money in order to generate more wealth for my later years and, to contribute to my community. My Godparents' generosity has inspired me to help others any time I can. I would not be the person I am today if I had not been supported by them.
Thank you Jean Charron!
Thank you Pierrette Rozon!
Thank you Jean Sebastien Charron!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 5 February 2016
Interview with a 40+ year old woman-HS
February 5th, 2016
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Grief, at any Age
January 20th, 2016
Last Friday, I visited my youngest daughter's class to offer a "Have You Hugged Your Alien?" workshop. There were two classes combined into one which meant 38 grade 2 students having a blast! I love doing these workshops however, I have noticed a pattern. Every time I go to a school and offer a workshop, whether it be about creativity, self-care, stress management or healthy emotional expression, children start telling me about the pets, grand-parents and parents who have passed away. They share stories about their loved ones, how they died and what people said or did after the death.
At this last workshop, a little girl said her dad had passed away. In response to a comment about that being very sad, the little girl explained: "Well, it's been two years". Her tone was very dismissive. Does she think she should be "over it" by now? That is very sad. The thing about children is they don't always understand what has happened to their loved one. They may expect to see them again. Their family is grieving as well so they may not be able to take the time to explain everything to them. We also try to protect the children so we may keep them in the dark, exclude them from funeral services and conversations. When children express grief, we may try to make them feel better. Only time will do that. We can't take away their grief, only be present and honest. We may hide our own grief from them because we "don't want them to see us upset". This further confuses them because they feel all these emotions and the adults around them are going about their business as usual.
It's not just children who are not allowed to grieve. I witnessed this first-hand when a close relative had a miscarriage, just how awkward it can be to grieve while everyone encourages you to move on. She had just had a miscarriage. The baby was quite advanced. She was upset, obviously. It was another relative's birthday. We all went out for supper to celebrate. As we sat at the restaurant, everyone was happy, giddy etc. acting as if nothing had happened. I looked over at her, in shock. She had this empty look in her eyes. I asked her if she'd like to come outside with me. We sat on a curb and I gave her a tiny compass on a chain. I told her I think about her all the time and, if she felt lost and alone, all she had to do was look at this compass and know that I was out there, waiting for her to call. We sat together quietly and she was ready to go back inside. She seemed a bit lighter and she was excited to share her compass with the group. They were not receptive. She was dampening the mood. How dare she, on this person's birthday? Once again, I sat there in disbelief. We looked at each other and she put on her necklace.
Another example of our negation of people's right to grieve is the move to a long term care facility. I have seen it many times. A family arrives with their elder. They empty the boxes and set up photo frames and decorative comforters, maybe hang some art. They try to create a festive atmosphere but they are stressed and worried. The tension builds in them throughout the day as the moment to leave approaches. The older adult is also stressed and worried. They join the other residents for lunch or supper and, just like the first day of school, they try to find a friendly face. They are suddenly alone. They look around their room. This is their new home. There are a few tokens from their full life but the room feels bare. They have held their emotions in to save their children from their own feelings of sadness and guilt. They know this was a difficult decision for them. They no longer live in their home, in their neighbourhood with all their stuff, accumulated over the years. They generally move in without their spouse who died a few years ago.
The staff welcome this new resident, oblivious to who this person is, what they have been through in their long life and what fills them with joy. Everyone is getting acquainted. The resident learns to eat whatever is served, three times a day, at the time it is available, they are bathed weekly, sometimes by the same person and gender, other times it's someone new, they may not have a car to get out, run errands or catch a movie. They wonder what has happened to their stuff. Who got the fine china?
As an art therapist or activity professional, you do your best to read their social history, taken from the social worker, to find other residents who might enjoy being friends with them, to organize a welcome party, to plan activities that might be enjoyable to them and to spend some time with the new resident and help them adjust to their new surroundings. They have gone through so many losses and now they have all the time in the world to feel the impact of each loss. We try to keep them busy, make them laugh and, convince them that this facility is "the best of its kind". However, just like children who have lost a parent and women who have miscarried, all they need is someone to be present, be honest and acknowledge that this is very challenging.
Grief is natural, it's painful and it takes time. We don't need to stop it, fix it or say something particularly deep. We just need to accept it, breathe into it, give it time and space then, show compassion for ourselves as we ride the wave of grief.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Last Friday, I visited my youngest daughter's class to offer a "Have You Hugged Your Alien?" workshop. There were two classes combined into one which meant 38 grade 2 students having a blast! I love doing these workshops however, I have noticed a pattern. Every time I go to a school and offer a workshop, whether it be about creativity, self-care, stress management or healthy emotional expression, children start telling me about the pets, grand-parents and parents who have passed away. They share stories about their loved ones, how they died and what people said or did after the death.
At this last workshop, a little girl said her dad had passed away. In response to a comment about that being very sad, the little girl explained: "Well, it's been two years". Her tone was very dismissive. Does she think she should be "over it" by now? That is very sad. The thing about children is they don't always understand what has happened to their loved one. They may expect to see them again. Their family is grieving as well so they may not be able to take the time to explain everything to them. We also try to protect the children so we may keep them in the dark, exclude them from funeral services and conversations. When children express grief, we may try to make them feel better. Only time will do that. We can't take away their grief, only be present and honest. We may hide our own grief from them because we "don't want them to see us upset". This further confuses them because they feel all these emotions and the adults around them are going about their business as usual.
It's not just children who are not allowed to grieve. I witnessed this first-hand when a close relative had a miscarriage, just how awkward it can be to grieve while everyone encourages you to move on. She had just had a miscarriage. The baby was quite advanced. She was upset, obviously. It was another relative's birthday. We all went out for supper to celebrate. As we sat at the restaurant, everyone was happy, giddy etc. acting as if nothing had happened. I looked over at her, in shock. She had this empty look in her eyes. I asked her if she'd like to come outside with me. We sat on a curb and I gave her a tiny compass on a chain. I told her I think about her all the time and, if she felt lost and alone, all she had to do was look at this compass and know that I was out there, waiting for her to call. We sat together quietly and she was ready to go back inside. She seemed a bit lighter and she was excited to share her compass with the group. They were not receptive. She was dampening the mood. How dare she, on this person's birthday? Once again, I sat there in disbelief. We looked at each other and she put on her necklace.
Another example of our negation of people's right to grieve is the move to a long term care facility. I have seen it many times. A family arrives with their elder. They empty the boxes and set up photo frames and decorative comforters, maybe hang some art. They try to create a festive atmosphere but they are stressed and worried. The tension builds in them throughout the day as the moment to leave approaches. The older adult is also stressed and worried. They join the other residents for lunch or supper and, just like the first day of school, they try to find a friendly face. They are suddenly alone. They look around their room. This is their new home. There are a few tokens from their full life but the room feels bare. They have held their emotions in to save their children from their own feelings of sadness and guilt. They know this was a difficult decision for them. They no longer live in their home, in their neighbourhood with all their stuff, accumulated over the years. They generally move in without their spouse who died a few years ago.
The staff welcome this new resident, oblivious to who this person is, what they have been through in their long life and what fills them with joy. Everyone is getting acquainted. The resident learns to eat whatever is served, three times a day, at the time it is available, they are bathed weekly, sometimes by the same person and gender, other times it's someone new, they may not have a car to get out, run errands or catch a movie. They wonder what has happened to their stuff. Who got the fine china?
As an art therapist or activity professional, you do your best to read their social history, taken from the social worker, to find other residents who might enjoy being friends with them, to organize a welcome party, to plan activities that might be enjoyable to them and to spend some time with the new resident and help them adjust to their new surroundings. They have gone through so many losses and now they have all the time in the world to feel the impact of each loss. We try to keep them busy, make them laugh and, convince them that this facility is "the best of its kind". However, just like children who have lost a parent and women who have miscarried, all they need is someone to be present, be honest and acknowledge that this is very challenging.
Grief is natural, it's painful and it takes time. We don't need to stop it, fix it or say something particularly deep. We just need to accept it, breathe into it, give it time and space then, show compassion for ourselves as we ride the wave of grief.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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