December 15th, 2016
I was working as my husband's assistant yesterday. Once again, I enjoyed it. The day goes by so quickly, you meet interesting people, you hear about their stories and watch them get an impressive makeover. I think there should be a series about a hairstylist and his family featuring all the regular clients. There would be no end to the material this could cover.
I have been very frustrated lately by the lack of babysitters in our area. As a couple with young children, you need to get out and have an adult conversation on a regular basis. You also want to interact in a romantic way, dressing up, having some bubbly and flirting like you used to. Being a parent is rewarding but you need support and I do not feel that there are adequate supports out there. In some cultures, the mothers have large families and their sisters, mothers, aunts form a huge support system. When you only have one parent or no siblings and you don't live in a culture that promotes the support of parents, it's easy to forget that you exist outside of this role. It can be challenging to stay connected and sexually active with your spouse.
In the absence of support from a family system, modern couples are forced to depend on strangers to watch over their little ones while they get out for some adult time. We were so lucky to have the same babysitter for years. She lived up the road, we knew her mother and she was great with our children. Our daughters loved her and always looked forward to her visits. Her mother was an elementary school teacher. She would often send some craft materials for our children to explore with her daughter. In short, those years were blissful.
Then, she grew up, got a real job and we set off on our search for a new sitter. The girls were heartbroken but when they met a friend of their old babysitter, they were hooked. She was very outgoing and affectionate and the girls were so excited. However, she decided that she could only babysit once a month due to her other job and school and her tutor. We try to get out for supper every week. She recommended her friend. We met with her, the girls saw her long, beautiful hair and were hopeful. They love doing each other's hair and nails. She came over to babysit once or twice but she wasn't available on a few occasions and didn't let me know. She also cancelled at the last minute and asked me to drive her 30 minutes away to a party on another night. This all happened in a six week period. As much as the girls loved her, we needed someone more reliable.
I learned that there was a local network of babysitters on Facebook. I signed up and e-mailed a bunch of them. Some had moved away or were just available in the summer months, most were not willing to come on a weekly basis. Teens whose parents are divorced are often only available when they are with one of their parents, the one who lives in our neighbourhood. We seem to be stuck between two age groups. The older sitters have their own cars but they are busy with part-time jobs or social engagements therefore they are more interested in occasional sitting. The younger sitters will grow with our girls. They are more available but it takes forever to meet them because they have to figure out a time that one of their parents can come with them to check you out. If they don't live close by, you may have a 25 minute drive after each date night. We are waiting to meet with a 14 year old potential babysitter and her mother. Will she be the one? I hope so, we are exhausted and the poor girls have been disappointed over and over again.
As I looked at the Babysitter Facebook page, I noticed just how many families have requested help for one day a week or one segment of each weekday. I said to my husband, if I didn't have my own children, I would just create a calendar with the information from all these families and make a business of it. You could make a killing, there are so many families in need. We only need to go out for two-three hours every Saturday night and we pay well. It shouldn't be that difficult to find someone. We have two well-behaved, adorable girls who are so easy to watch. I can't imagine how hard it must be for parents with younger children or a child with special needs.
If you are a teenager or the parent of a teenager, there is a need for decent babysitters. Couples like us are looking for you, to be part of our village, to make us stronger as a couple and a family thanks to a more balanced life which includes down time and romance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label teenagers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teenagers. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 December 2016
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Resilience in Teenagers-A New Tool
October 12th, 2016
I had a very energizing day in Brockville, meeting professionals who were gathered to learn a new tool. The Sources of Strength training is meant to prepare us to lead teenagers to make a difference in their schools and communities. We have all heard about the rising risk of suicide and the need to foster resilience in our children. This training empowers young people to develop resilience through focusing on the skills and resources available to them rather than on daunting, scary statistics .
The skillful leaders shared the Sources of Strength wheel with us. There are eight categories and the goal is to have students identify all the activities, places and people who are there to support them in times of need. The training is about much more than just this wheel but I would like to focus on this wheel for the purpose of this blog because it is a tool that all of us can use to feel more connected, supported and grateful. It's a also a great way to set goals for our personal development. Once we've assessed the areas that require improvement, we can get to work adding people or activities to our social network.
The first slice in the pie is mental health. You need to be clear for yourself how you would define mental health. What does this mean to you? Is it the absence of illness or constant growth and improvement? It's good to stop and ask the hard questions. How is my mental health? How well am I coping with life right now? Do I need assistance? What kind of help would be most beneficial and how can I access it? Sometimes, we deny our vulnerabilities until we are in crisis.
The second section is family support. Is your home a safe place for you? Do you feel loved and supported by your family members? You may need to have a conversation about boundaries or lessen your contact with certain relatives. If your home is not a safe place, where else can you get your sense of belonging, support and love?
The third part of the wheel is positive friends. Sometimes we focus on the amount of friends we have in our life but it's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. Are you surrounded by loving, positive people? Do you know people who care about you and would be there for you if you needed them? If not, how can you grow and nurture your social network. There are times in life when fitting in more people is a challenge. However, those are often when we need people the most. Think about your schedule and determine if there are groups you could join, individuals you'd like to reach out to or places you can go to connect with like-minded individuals.
Mentors make up the fourth section. We all need role models, people who have made it out of a situation or phase of life who can help us navigate our own journey. As a teenager, you can approach a teacher, local business owner, coach or neighbour. As adults, we can turn to others in our profession or people who excel in areas of life that we have identified as areas for improvement. We are all here to learn from each other and people in general will be happy to be a mentor.
Healthy activities are my favourite part of the pie. You don't need anyone else to participate in this. You pick activities you enjoy that can help alleviate stress, make you healthier, happier, more connected, that can contribute to your growth and development, bring new people in your life and improve quality of life. For me, these include reading, journalling, creating art, writing books, travelling, going to yoga or Zumba classes and going out for coffee at the local coffee shop. What about you? What activities energize you? What do you love to do?
Generosity is another one of the sections. It is a bit more vague but I can see how giving our time and energy to a good cause would improve our life. When you volunteer or help someone else, you feel fortunate, useful and connected to your community. Using your skills to help people in your community is really rewarding. What are your skills? Who could benefit from these skills? How can you put your skills to good use in your community?
Spirituality is another favourite. There were lots of school Chaplains at today's meeting. We are all here for a reason. If we are just living day by day without any thought about where we fit into the grand scheme of things, we can get quite bored. What does spirituality look like for you? How do you express your spirituality? This is a broad section. You may go to Church, belong to a group, meditate or simply volunteer at a hospice. Whatever helps you connect to and feed your soul would be considered spiritual.
Medical access is a tricky one. It is a valid section because this tool was developed in the U.S. where access to medical services is limited. It may not seem applicable here in Canada but I know from working with families where a loved one is battling cancer or raising a special needs child that there are huge gaps in our system as well. Information is power. The more information you gather about this section, the better equipped you will be to advocate for yourself and your family.
I was thrilled to be a part of this training. As you can see, people of all ages can apply this wheel to their life, to uncover strengths and celebrate resources in our communities.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I had a very energizing day in Brockville, meeting professionals who were gathered to learn a new tool. The Sources of Strength training is meant to prepare us to lead teenagers to make a difference in their schools and communities. We have all heard about the rising risk of suicide and the need to foster resilience in our children. This training empowers young people to develop resilience through focusing on the skills and resources available to them rather than on daunting, scary statistics .
The skillful leaders shared the Sources of Strength wheel with us. There are eight categories and the goal is to have students identify all the activities, places and people who are there to support them in times of need. The training is about much more than just this wheel but I would like to focus on this wheel for the purpose of this blog because it is a tool that all of us can use to feel more connected, supported and grateful. It's a also a great way to set goals for our personal development. Once we've assessed the areas that require improvement, we can get to work adding people or activities to our social network.
The first slice in the pie is mental health. You need to be clear for yourself how you would define mental health. What does this mean to you? Is it the absence of illness or constant growth and improvement? It's good to stop and ask the hard questions. How is my mental health? How well am I coping with life right now? Do I need assistance? What kind of help would be most beneficial and how can I access it? Sometimes, we deny our vulnerabilities until we are in crisis.
The second section is family support. Is your home a safe place for you? Do you feel loved and supported by your family members? You may need to have a conversation about boundaries or lessen your contact with certain relatives. If your home is not a safe place, where else can you get your sense of belonging, support and love?
The third part of the wheel is positive friends. Sometimes we focus on the amount of friends we have in our life but it's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. Are you surrounded by loving, positive people? Do you know people who care about you and would be there for you if you needed them? If not, how can you grow and nurture your social network. There are times in life when fitting in more people is a challenge. However, those are often when we need people the most. Think about your schedule and determine if there are groups you could join, individuals you'd like to reach out to or places you can go to connect with like-minded individuals.
Mentors make up the fourth section. We all need role models, people who have made it out of a situation or phase of life who can help us navigate our own journey. As a teenager, you can approach a teacher, local business owner, coach or neighbour. As adults, we can turn to others in our profession or people who excel in areas of life that we have identified as areas for improvement. We are all here to learn from each other and people in general will be happy to be a mentor.
Healthy activities are my favourite part of the pie. You don't need anyone else to participate in this. You pick activities you enjoy that can help alleviate stress, make you healthier, happier, more connected, that can contribute to your growth and development, bring new people in your life and improve quality of life. For me, these include reading, journalling, creating art, writing books, travelling, going to yoga or Zumba classes and going out for coffee at the local coffee shop. What about you? What activities energize you? What do you love to do?
Generosity is another one of the sections. It is a bit more vague but I can see how giving our time and energy to a good cause would improve our life. When you volunteer or help someone else, you feel fortunate, useful and connected to your community. Using your skills to help people in your community is really rewarding. What are your skills? Who could benefit from these skills? How can you put your skills to good use in your community?
Spirituality is another favourite. There were lots of school Chaplains at today's meeting. We are all here for a reason. If we are just living day by day without any thought about where we fit into the grand scheme of things, we can get quite bored. What does spirituality look like for you? How do you express your spirituality? This is a broad section. You may go to Church, belong to a group, meditate or simply volunteer at a hospice. Whatever helps you connect to and feed your soul would be considered spiritual.
Medical access is a tricky one. It is a valid section because this tool was developed in the U.S. where access to medical services is limited. It may not seem applicable here in Canada but I know from working with families where a loved one is battling cancer or raising a special needs child that there are huge gaps in our system as well. Information is power. The more information you gather about this section, the better equipped you will be to advocate for yourself and your family.
I was thrilled to be a part of this training. As you can see, people of all ages can apply this wheel to their life, to uncover strengths and celebrate resources in our communities.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 21 September 2016
Transgender Models
September 21st, 2016
A few days ago, I was having lunch with my husband in our favourite vietnamese restaurant. There is a huge television on the wall and usually, images of delicious food plays in the background as we eat. This week, they chose a different television channel. I believe the program that was playing was, The View. I don't normally watch television while I dine with my hubby but something caught my attention. This beautiful dark-skinned woman said something like: "They were asking for models, 6'2 and up, no one said I couldn't have a penis".
There were maybe three tables of clients in the restaurant. We were all paying attention at this point. The View was interviewing models from a transgender modelling agency. I thought this must be a new and innovative business but I looked it up when I got home and there were at least four agencies focused solely on transgender models.
I know transgender issues have been in the news due to controversy regarding the use of public restrooms, however, I have encountered transgendered individuals as a teenager working in a Healthy Sexuality theatre program and, as an art therapist through my group work in high schools as well as in private practice. The individuals I met and worked with were kind, regular people who were extremely compassionate due to the judgment of others directed at them.
As a teenager, all you want is to fit in and be part of a group. You hunger for acceptance and you strive to express yourself authentically. If there's one thing teens hate it's bullshit (pardon my language). They can sniff a fake from a mile away. They really want to figure out who they are, express this to their surroundings and be accepted.
Transgendered individuals may feel trapped in the wrong body. They feel like a girl even though they have a male anatomy and are raised as a boy. They can also feel like a boy even though they are anatomically a girl. This creates inner conflict as they attempt to be authentic. When they try to explain to parents, siblings and friends that they feel like someone of the opposite gender, these loved ones have no previous experience to draw on and they don't know how to respond. In some families, the response is rejection and pressure to stay as they are, the gender that feels wrong to them.
Other transgendered individuals don't want to be identified as a gender. They don't fit into either box, trying to be categorized is painful and frustrating for them. They don't want to be referred to as male or female. They may want to be called, Them, instead of her or him. When we are doing art about this, I find it helpful to have my clients paint their essence, who they are inside. Poetry is also a great tool to give a voice to this inner self.
I was happy to see that some modelling agencies are embracing the beauty of all people. We are most beautiful when we are being true to ourselves. A few models who were being interviewed mentioned feeling safer in their work as models while working for these agencies. They don't need to explain anything, the companies employing them already know they are transgender. This is a great way to embrace their individuality and provide role models for a wider range of teenagers. Just as we now have plus size models, black models, asian models as well as skinny, white models to reflect the diversity and beauty in our community, we can now show transgender individuals that they are represented and valued.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
A few days ago, I was having lunch with my husband in our favourite vietnamese restaurant. There is a huge television on the wall and usually, images of delicious food plays in the background as we eat. This week, they chose a different television channel. I believe the program that was playing was, The View. I don't normally watch television while I dine with my hubby but something caught my attention. This beautiful dark-skinned woman said something like: "They were asking for models, 6'2 and up, no one said I couldn't have a penis".
There were maybe three tables of clients in the restaurant. We were all paying attention at this point. The View was interviewing models from a transgender modelling agency. I thought this must be a new and innovative business but I looked it up when I got home and there were at least four agencies focused solely on transgender models.
I know transgender issues have been in the news due to controversy regarding the use of public restrooms, however, I have encountered transgendered individuals as a teenager working in a Healthy Sexuality theatre program and, as an art therapist through my group work in high schools as well as in private practice. The individuals I met and worked with were kind, regular people who were extremely compassionate due to the judgment of others directed at them.
As a teenager, all you want is to fit in and be part of a group. You hunger for acceptance and you strive to express yourself authentically. If there's one thing teens hate it's bullshit (pardon my language). They can sniff a fake from a mile away. They really want to figure out who they are, express this to their surroundings and be accepted.
Transgendered individuals may feel trapped in the wrong body. They feel like a girl even though they have a male anatomy and are raised as a boy. They can also feel like a boy even though they are anatomically a girl. This creates inner conflict as they attempt to be authentic. When they try to explain to parents, siblings and friends that they feel like someone of the opposite gender, these loved ones have no previous experience to draw on and they don't know how to respond. In some families, the response is rejection and pressure to stay as they are, the gender that feels wrong to them.
Other transgendered individuals don't want to be identified as a gender. They don't fit into either box, trying to be categorized is painful and frustrating for them. They don't want to be referred to as male or female. They may want to be called, Them, instead of her or him. When we are doing art about this, I find it helpful to have my clients paint their essence, who they are inside. Poetry is also a great tool to give a voice to this inner self.
I was happy to see that some modelling agencies are embracing the beauty of all people. We are most beautiful when we are being true to ourselves. A few models who were being interviewed mentioned feeling safer in their work as models while working for these agencies. They don't need to explain anything, the companies employing them already know they are transgender. This is a great way to embrace their individuality and provide role models for a wider range of teenagers. Just as we now have plus size models, black models, asian models as well as skinny, white models to reflect the diversity and beauty in our community, we can now show transgender individuals that they are represented and valued.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 9 September 2016
My Speech for Teens
September 9th, 2016
For years, this was a busy time of the year for me, not just because my own children were starting school but because I was a College professor and I was also launching a semester with a brand new group of students. I loved teaching the psychology and leadership classes. I endeavoured to create opportunities for these young adults to formulate their opinions and defend them when others opposed them. There was a mix of students from rural communities, foreign students, some from rich backgrounds, others from poor neighbourhoods. What a fabulous opportunity to open their eyes to diversity.
I now offer stress management workshops in high schools and youth centres. We talk about the pressures of social media to NOT do something stupid because these days, your mistakes are well documented and still on the internet years later. When someone texts you, you feel that you must respond immediately. There is no room for contemplation or delayed reaction. You can't be too busy to bother with your text, Facebook or Messenger. Your iPhone is on you at all times so it is assumed that you know the instant that someone has pinged you and if you don't reply, you must be ignoring that person. Many conflicts stem from unrealistic expectations and miscommunications. I hear so much about the multiple pressures affecting today's teens. They have access to too much information, they have too many choices, they have no time as the responsibilities of school, family, friends and work are compounded. There is no down time. They are always on and accessible even if they don't want to be.
One of the common mistakes according to grade 11 students is the pressure to pick a career. They are expected to orchestrate electives and field placements in grade 12 to reflect their future vocation. Many of them have no clue what they want to do after high school. They are not sure who they are, what they like and, what is available. We all know about careers like becoming a doctor, lawyer, veterinarian, teacher, astronaut, police officer etc but this is not an exclusive list. There are so many options that you don't hear about until you are out of school, living your life. I think a huge responsibility we have as parents is to be open and receptive to our children's talents and interests so we can empower them to gain experience in activities they enjoy. This provides a sense of identity, mastery and belonging to our children. It also exposes them to a potential area of employment for the future. Once you find a few activities you truly enjoy, this leads you to other related activities. You decide what you did or didn't like about a certain activity and sometimes you discover something similar that you like even more. This incremental approach is a much smoother and less stressful process than simply demanding that students choose among the limited options they are aware of at that moment.
When I worked as a College professor, I desperately wanted to change our curriculum so that students spent a minimum amount of time in class taking notes. My vision was to do a thorough intake interview with students to uncover their goals, aspirations, strengths, interests etc. Then contact partners of our program to organize a field placement for the entire semester. Each placement site would be chosen specifically to suit the career goals of our students. We would have course notes online every week. The students would be tested on site to ensure they had mastered these skills. Having to put new skills into practise would demonstrate their ability to function in a real work environment. There are plenty of students who can describe the procedural steps required to complete a task but when they are at their placement site, they are not able to demonstrate this skill. Feedback from placement supervisors would help students improve and gain awareness regarding their particular strengths and areas of improvement. Right now, we force everyone to take the same courses and that results in low retention. The good workers are hired by placement sites, affecting their attendance and overall success in the program. Learning online and through carefully selected placements is the way of the future.
If you are a student, feeling the pressure, confused about where to go, what to do and how to get there, here is my advice to you:
This is your life. Forget the opinions and expectations of others. If you try to do what someone else wants, chances are you won't succeed and they will be disappointed in you. Figure out who you are with these questions:
Do you like being outdoors or indoors?
Do you enjoy having a routine and repeating tasks every day?
Are you a social person who likes to be around people or do you prefer animals, paperwork, art, computers?
Are you good at working with your hands?
Do you thrive in a high stress environment?
Are you adventurous?
Do you like to travel? If so, what kinds of destinations are of interest to you?
Do you have a special talent, something that comes easily to you?
Are you a loner or do you find meaning in working with a team?
What is your ideal dress code, (at home in your pjs, in your swim suit on a beach, in snow pants on a ski slope, jeans and a t-shirt or business suit)?
What kind of people do you enjoy spending time with on a daily basis (snooty, party animals, humanitarians), intellectuals, down-to-earth people?
Do you want to make a difference or just enjoy yourself?
Are you compassionate and intuitive?
Are you creative?
Do you prefer leading or following?
Are you organized and methodical?
Do you know someone who already has your ideal job? Can you contact this person to find out how they got the job and what steps you need to take to get there?
What is more important to you, money or meaning?
Is there a cause that is important to you (environment, addiction, mental health, child development, at-risk youth. advocacy for older adults)?
The more you get to know yourself, the easier it will be for you to find opportunities that match your skill-set. Get involved in your community, take classes, volunteer, join groups, read the local paper. These help you meet people who may lead to opportunities, insights or referrals in the future. By volunteering, you learn skills, you gain experience on the workforce, confidence in yourself and you develop a work ethic. This gives you an advantage over other people your age.
It's ok to not know what you want to do. As long as you are out there gaining experience you will start to discover what you like. If you are a good worker, there will be opportunities coming your way. Take advantage of them because they propel you forwards and result in an impressive resume. At some point down the line, you will find your niche. You will feel satisfied and become quite competent. This may be your life long career or you may eventually change directions and end up somewhere else. It doesn't matter. If you wait to know exactly what you want, you may never get started and you could be pursuing a path that turns out to be a disappointment. Follow your passion, work hard and don't be afraid to take risks. There will always be people to tell you what you should or can't do. They are expressing their opinions. Look at their life, are they fulfilled and happy? If not, it's best to just go with your gut and keep moving. Good luck to you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
For years, this was a busy time of the year for me, not just because my own children were starting school but because I was a College professor and I was also launching a semester with a brand new group of students. I loved teaching the psychology and leadership classes. I endeavoured to create opportunities for these young adults to formulate their opinions and defend them when others opposed them. There was a mix of students from rural communities, foreign students, some from rich backgrounds, others from poor neighbourhoods. What a fabulous opportunity to open their eyes to diversity.
I now offer stress management workshops in high schools and youth centres. We talk about the pressures of social media to NOT do something stupid because these days, your mistakes are well documented and still on the internet years later. When someone texts you, you feel that you must respond immediately. There is no room for contemplation or delayed reaction. You can't be too busy to bother with your text, Facebook or Messenger. Your iPhone is on you at all times so it is assumed that you know the instant that someone has pinged you and if you don't reply, you must be ignoring that person. Many conflicts stem from unrealistic expectations and miscommunications. I hear so much about the multiple pressures affecting today's teens. They have access to too much information, they have too many choices, they have no time as the responsibilities of school, family, friends and work are compounded. There is no down time. They are always on and accessible even if they don't want to be.
One of the common mistakes according to grade 11 students is the pressure to pick a career. They are expected to orchestrate electives and field placements in grade 12 to reflect their future vocation. Many of them have no clue what they want to do after high school. They are not sure who they are, what they like and, what is available. We all know about careers like becoming a doctor, lawyer, veterinarian, teacher, astronaut, police officer etc but this is not an exclusive list. There are so many options that you don't hear about until you are out of school, living your life. I think a huge responsibility we have as parents is to be open and receptive to our children's talents and interests so we can empower them to gain experience in activities they enjoy. This provides a sense of identity, mastery and belonging to our children. It also exposes them to a potential area of employment for the future. Once you find a few activities you truly enjoy, this leads you to other related activities. You decide what you did or didn't like about a certain activity and sometimes you discover something similar that you like even more. This incremental approach is a much smoother and less stressful process than simply demanding that students choose among the limited options they are aware of at that moment.
When I worked as a College professor, I desperately wanted to change our curriculum so that students spent a minimum amount of time in class taking notes. My vision was to do a thorough intake interview with students to uncover their goals, aspirations, strengths, interests etc. Then contact partners of our program to organize a field placement for the entire semester. Each placement site would be chosen specifically to suit the career goals of our students. We would have course notes online every week. The students would be tested on site to ensure they had mastered these skills. Having to put new skills into practise would demonstrate their ability to function in a real work environment. There are plenty of students who can describe the procedural steps required to complete a task but when they are at their placement site, they are not able to demonstrate this skill. Feedback from placement supervisors would help students improve and gain awareness regarding their particular strengths and areas of improvement. Right now, we force everyone to take the same courses and that results in low retention. The good workers are hired by placement sites, affecting their attendance and overall success in the program. Learning online and through carefully selected placements is the way of the future.
If you are a student, feeling the pressure, confused about where to go, what to do and how to get there, here is my advice to you:
This is your life. Forget the opinions and expectations of others. If you try to do what someone else wants, chances are you won't succeed and they will be disappointed in you. Figure out who you are with these questions:
Do you like being outdoors or indoors?
Do you enjoy having a routine and repeating tasks every day?
Are you a social person who likes to be around people or do you prefer animals, paperwork, art, computers?
Are you good at working with your hands?
Do you thrive in a high stress environment?
Are you adventurous?
Do you like to travel? If so, what kinds of destinations are of interest to you?
Do you have a special talent, something that comes easily to you?
Are you a loner or do you find meaning in working with a team?
What is your ideal dress code, (at home in your pjs, in your swim suit on a beach, in snow pants on a ski slope, jeans and a t-shirt or business suit)?
What kind of people do you enjoy spending time with on a daily basis (snooty, party animals, humanitarians), intellectuals, down-to-earth people?
Do you want to make a difference or just enjoy yourself?
Are you compassionate and intuitive?
Are you creative?
Do you prefer leading or following?
Are you organized and methodical?
Do you know someone who already has your ideal job? Can you contact this person to find out how they got the job and what steps you need to take to get there?
What is more important to you, money or meaning?
Is there a cause that is important to you (environment, addiction, mental health, child development, at-risk youth. advocacy for older adults)?
The more you get to know yourself, the easier it will be for you to find opportunities that match your skill-set. Get involved in your community, take classes, volunteer, join groups, read the local paper. These help you meet people who may lead to opportunities, insights or referrals in the future. By volunteering, you learn skills, you gain experience on the workforce, confidence in yourself and you develop a work ethic. This gives you an advantage over other people your age.
It's ok to not know what you want to do. As long as you are out there gaining experience you will start to discover what you like. If you are a good worker, there will be opportunities coming your way. Take advantage of them because they propel you forwards and result in an impressive resume. At some point down the line, you will find your niche. You will feel satisfied and become quite competent. This may be your life long career or you may eventually change directions and end up somewhere else. It doesn't matter. If you wait to know exactly what you want, you may never get started and you could be pursuing a path that turns out to be a disappointment. Follow your passion, work hard and don't be afraid to take risks. There will always be people to tell you what you should or can't do. They are expressing their opinions. Look at their life, are they fulfilled and happy? If not, it's best to just go with your gut and keep moving. Good luck to you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 5 September 2016
Back to School Jitters
September 5th, 2016
My daughters are partying today. They know that, as of tomorrow morning, their lives will change. Every day, we have the talk about homeschooling. "Why can't you just homeschool us?" they ask. Of course, in their minds, homeschooling would be just like summer holidays-the beach, trampoline, pets dolls, play dates, ice cream, parks, swimming and biking. When I explain that homeschooling means they would be studying the same topics as in school minus their friends, they get more contemplative and quiet.
This is a stressful time of the year for many parents and their children. Some children love school and count down the days. However, for many children, the anxiety of not knowing who will be in their class or who their home room teacher will be leads to worrying and sleepless nights.
I know that, as I type this, loads of parents are preparing to bring their 4 year olds to school for the first time. There will be nerves, tears, maybe guilt and that sinking feeling of emptiness once the child is officially in school.
As a former College Professor, I have seen the same anxiety play out with parents who are driving their young adult children to dorms out of town. They are super organized and very busy unpacking and walking around campus with their son or daughter to get them acquainted with the cafeteria, computer room, classrooms and financial aid office. Then, the dreaded moment arrives, the departure. The tension that has been pent up and hidden for the most part bursts opens like a dam. If you see a middle-aged couple sitting at a Tim's, cradling their cups, looking out the window with that far away gaze, you can bet they have just dropped off their college student.
Parents of teens have their own anxieties. Their teens will undoubtedly know many of the students in their grade but this is a new building. There is the knowledge that these teens are heading into a time of their life where parents are less able to shield and protect them. They will have many important choices to make and their future can be altered depending on those choices. Will they hang out with the "good" crowd of kids or the trouble makers? Will they spend their spare time studying or working on assignments or grabbing some lunch with friends and skipping a few classes? When they are out with their friends, will they be offered smokes, alcohol or drugs? Will they accept or decline the offers? When will they have sex? Will they bother to use contraceptives?
When I was starting my first year in University, a friend of my mom gave me great advice. She said: "Everyone is nervous, they are all feeling the same as you so reach out to them and they will be grateful to have someone to talk to". My first class was an elective German class. I looked around. No one was talking. I turned to the person next to me and started a conversation. The students around us were all listening to our conversation and I made eye contact to include as many as I could. I am a super shy person but her advice gave me the confidence to initiate conversations because I felt like I was helping put others at ease. I forgot about my own fears and anxieties. Thanks Beth!
So, whether your child is returning to elementary school, high school, College or University, there are things you can do to help him/her adjust and, to keep yourself from having a cardiac arrest.
Young child starting Junior Kindergarten:
If your child has not been in daycare, going to play groups is a great way to acquaint them with some of the elements of school such as carpet time, putting shoes and coats away in a cubby, eating out of a lunch kit etc. For children who have never been apart from parents, you may want to try out short programs like gymnastics, art classes, swimming or some kind of experience where they must transfer their trust and attachment to another adult. This teaches them that they can be safe and happy away from you. You can practise writing their name, learning their address and phone number and reciting the alphabet so these notions are familiar to them. Show them all their school supplies. Do they know how to open everything? This helps them feel independent. Can they put on and remove their velcro sneakers on their own? Are they able to take off their coat? It's a good idea to visit the classroom prior to the first day of school, meet the teacher and get acquainted with the layout-where to put shoes, location of desk, place on carpet etc. Talking about what to expect is also beneficial. On the first morning of school, providing a filling breakfast, speaking positively about starting school and having a clean cut off point are all helpful. I waited too long with my youngest. I was standing outside the school yard and when the time came to go into class, my daughter ran to the fence and tried to climb it. The teacher had to pull her off the fence and carry her off. It hurt so bad, I cried all morning. It would have been easier if I went with her to meet the teacher then kissed her, wished her a good first day of school and walked to my car. I just couldn't do it.
Teenagers:
Depending on your relationship with your teen and their personality, you could go out somewhere special and talk about their feelings re: their transition to high school. Visiting the school ahead of time is also a good idea as they know where to go on the first day when the halls are crowded. Meeting the teachers, if possible, is an excellent start. Having a great dialogue with your teen means he or she will be able to discuss issues with you as they come up. Planning to meet up with friends and walk to school together can go a long way toward reducing anxiety about being alone or self-conscious. Welcoming their friends into your home will increase your connection to your teen's friends. You will hear your teen speak freely about fears. It also gives you an opportunity to troubleshoot with them as a group. Being available to talk about the first day after school in a casual way-going for a walk or drive or, while preparing a meal, allows your teen to talk without having to look at you directly. My best conversations with teens in my theatre program was often as we were walking to class not when they sat across from me at the office.
Young Adults:
If your child is off to College or University, you want to make sure you have provided some basic every day living skills. They can cook a few meals, they know how to do their own laundry, they have a budget and know how to manage it, they are acquainted with the buses that can take them to important locations and have a meal plan. Again, visiting the campus, meeting faculty and touring facilities ahead of time makes everything more familiar once your son or daughter moves to the new city. You'll want to explore the city together and find places your child can go-library, coffeehouse, grocery store, bank, movie theatre etc. Letting your son or daughter know that you are just a phone call away and that you love them no matter what will empower them to make good choices while they are away. Troubleshooting is also beneficial. What if they go to a party with someone and that person has too much to drink? If they can't call you because you are out of town, what could they do to get home safely? The more organized they are prior to the first day and the more life skills you have given them, the easier the adjustment.
What about the parents after the child is in school? Empty nesters often feel depressed, lost, sad and confused once the children are in school. Plan something fun for that first day. Go and see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a good book and plan to start it in a warm bath. If you are a stay-at-home parent and your days feel empty without your children, consider volunteering somewhere or working part-time or start a new hobby.
Whatever the circumstances, you are not alone. Talk to people about your feelings and you will hear their stories as well. You may even make a good friend. Good luck to all the parents tomorrow.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
My daughters are partying today. They know that, as of tomorrow morning, their lives will change. Every day, we have the talk about homeschooling. "Why can't you just homeschool us?" they ask. Of course, in their minds, homeschooling would be just like summer holidays-the beach, trampoline, pets dolls, play dates, ice cream, parks, swimming and biking. When I explain that homeschooling means they would be studying the same topics as in school minus their friends, they get more contemplative and quiet.
This is a stressful time of the year for many parents and their children. Some children love school and count down the days. However, for many children, the anxiety of not knowing who will be in their class or who their home room teacher will be leads to worrying and sleepless nights.
I know that, as I type this, loads of parents are preparing to bring their 4 year olds to school for the first time. There will be nerves, tears, maybe guilt and that sinking feeling of emptiness once the child is officially in school.
As a former College Professor, I have seen the same anxiety play out with parents who are driving their young adult children to dorms out of town. They are super organized and very busy unpacking and walking around campus with their son or daughter to get them acquainted with the cafeteria, computer room, classrooms and financial aid office. Then, the dreaded moment arrives, the departure. The tension that has been pent up and hidden for the most part bursts opens like a dam. If you see a middle-aged couple sitting at a Tim's, cradling their cups, looking out the window with that far away gaze, you can bet they have just dropped off their college student.
Parents of teens have their own anxieties. Their teens will undoubtedly know many of the students in their grade but this is a new building. There is the knowledge that these teens are heading into a time of their life where parents are less able to shield and protect them. They will have many important choices to make and their future can be altered depending on those choices. Will they hang out with the "good" crowd of kids or the trouble makers? Will they spend their spare time studying or working on assignments or grabbing some lunch with friends and skipping a few classes? When they are out with their friends, will they be offered smokes, alcohol or drugs? Will they accept or decline the offers? When will they have sex? Will they bother to use contraceptives?
When I was starting my first year in University, a friend of my mom gave me great advice. She said: "Everyone is nervous, they are all feeling the same as you so reach out to them and they will be grateful to have someone to talk to". My first class was an elective German class. I looked around. No one was talking. I turned to the person next to me and started a conversation. The students around us were all listening to our conversation and I made eye contact to include as many as I could. I am a super shy person but her advice gave me the confidence to initiate conversations because I felt like I was helping put others at ease. I forgot about my own fears and anxieties. Thanks Beth!
So, whether your child is returning to elementary school, high school, College or University, there are things you can do to help him/her adjust and, to keep yourself from having a cardiac arrest.
Young child starting Junior Kindergarten:
If your child has not been in daycare, going to play groups is a great way to acquaint them with some of the elements of school such as carpet time, putting shoes and coats away in a cubby, eating out of a lunch kit etc. For children who have never been apart from parents, you may want to try out short programs like gymnastics, art classes, swimming or some kind of experience where they must transfer their trust and attachment to another adult. This teaches them that they can be safe and happy away from you. You can practise writing their name, learning their address and phone number and reciting the alphabet so these notions are familiar to them. Show them all their school supplies. Do they know how to open everything? This helps them feel independent. Can they put on and remove their velcro sneakers on their own? Are they able to take off their coat? It's a good idea to visit the classroom prior to the first day of school, meet the teacher and get acquainted with the layout-where to put shoes, location of desk, place on carpet etc. Talking about what to expect is also beneficial. On the first morning of school, providing a filling breakfast, speaking positively about starting school and having a clean cut off point are all helpful. I waited too long with my youngest. I was standing outside the school yard and when the time came to go into class, my daughter ran to the fence and tried to climb it. The teacher had to pull her off the fence and carry her off. It hurt so bad, I cried all morning. It would have been easier if I went with her to meet the teacher then kissed her, wished her a good first day of school and walked to my car. I just couldn't do it.
Teenagers:
Depending on your relationship with your teen and their personality, you could go out somewhere special and talk about their feelings re: their transition to high school. Visiting the school ahead of time is also a good idea as they know where to go on the first day when the halls are crowded. Meeting the teachers, if possible, is an excellent start. Having a great dialogue with your teen means he or she will be able to discuss issues with you as they come up. Planning to meet up with friends and walk to school together can go a long way toward reducing anxiety about being alone or self-conscious. Welcoming their friends into your home will increase your connection to your teen's friends. You will hear your teen speak freely about fears. It also gives you an opportunity to troubleshoot with them as a group. Being available to talk about the first day after school in a casual way-going for a walk or drive or, while preparing a meal, allows your teen to talk without having to look at you directly. My best conversations with teens in my theatre program was often as we were walking to class not when they sat across from me at the office.
Young Adults:
If your child is off to College or University, you want to make sure you have provided some basic every day living skills. They can cook a few meals, they know how to do their own laundry, they have a budget and know how to manage it, they are acquainted with the buses that can take them to important locations and have a meal plan. Again, visiting the campus, meeting faculty and touring facilities ahead of time makes everything more familiar once your son or daughter moves to the new city. You'll want to explore the city together and find places your child can go-library, coffeehouse, grocery store, bank, movie theatre etc. Letting your son or daughter know that you are just a phone call away and that you love them no matter what will empower them to make good choices while they are away. Troubleshooting is also beneficial. What if they go to a party with someone and that person has too much to drink? If they can't call you because you are out of town, what could they do to get home safely? The more organized they are prior to the first day and the more life skills you have given them, the easier the adjustment.
What about the parents after the child is in school? Empty nesters often feel depressed, lost, sad and confused once the children are in school. Plan something fun for that first day. Go and see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a good book and plan to start it in a warm bath. If you are a stay-at-home parent and your days feel empty without your children, consider volunteering somewhere or working part-time or start a new hobby.
Whatever the circumstances, you are not alone. Talk to people about your feelings and you will hear their stories as well. You may even make a good friend. Good luck to all the parents tomorrow.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 20 June 2016
Sexy and Seven?
June 20th, 2016
Yesterday, I took my youngest out with me to buy a Subway sandwich for tomorrow's school lunch. I try to offer something different every day of the week and she loves Subway's turkey subs. She had been swimming with her sister and friend earlier in the day so she was wearing her one piece swimsuit with capri shorts over top. As I stood at the far end of the counter, waiting for my turn to order her food, she walked over to the area closer to the cash to decide whether she would have a raisin oatmeal cookie or garden tomato flavoured Sun chips. So far, pretty typical activity, right?
Imagine my surprise when I looked over at her and spotted a table of teenagers. There were three or four teenagers sitting at the end of a group of tables closer to my daughter. Their parents were sitting at the opposite end of these tables, closer to the window, talking amongst themselves, oblivious to their sons. These boys were turning in their seats to look at my daughter, they were giggling and holding up their phones. It looked like they were filming her but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
I thought, this isn't possible. She is seven years old, why would they be filming her? However, the giggling and the looks on their faces led me to believe that they were seeing my seven year old daughter like a potential sexual object. I tried to be rational. They are with their parents, they are probably laughing at something on their computers, something they are looking at that is already filmed and they happened to look at my youngest for some other reason. I did not want to burden my daughter who perceives herself as a child, and rightfully so, by reacting to these boys, accusing them of what I felt was inappropriate behaviour. Where is my proof? I did not want to go over and talk to them because I felt very angry and I worried that if they were doing what I thought and responded with a whatever attitude I might end up doing something I would regret. I walked over to my daughter and blocked their view. She did not notice any of this. I paid for the food and left.
It has bothered me ever since. When you just get a gut feeling and you are having a strong emotional reaction, it is difficult to know how to respond. It could all be a misunderstanding but what if it isn't? How do you approach this in a calm manner? "Excuse me, are you filming my seven year old daughter? Are you saying and thinking sexual thoughts about a seven year old? Can I see what is on your phones? Can you stay here while I call the police and have you arrested?" It was all so surreal.
I have given it a great deal of thought.
On the weekend, we went over to a friend's house for a BBQ. They have a daughter who is in my eldest daughter's class and they have a son who is a teenager. The kids were playing outside, having a great time. They were planning to have a sleepover. My youngest was excited to have a sleepover at their house and asked me when we were leaving because she wanted to feel grown up. The son's friend showed up for a sleepover as well. Suddenly, the dynamics changed. My daughters, their friend and her brother had been playing together before, jumping on the trampoline, running through the sprinklers and goofing around.
Now, they all went inside. We were outside eating. The kids were having too much fun to stop and eat just yet. Next thing I know, my daughters are coming to see me, asking me to help their friend. Her brother and his friend are taking stuff from her room, where the girls were playing, running away to hide her stuff and then wrestling with her. I asked if they were play fighting. My daughters said they weren't, they were hurting her, she was saying ouch and stop. I stood up to go in and investigate. Their friend came out and was putting on a brave face. She is 9 years old. She said: "Sorry about that, boys will be boys". I could tell she was upset despite her forced smile. I asked her if she'd like to sleep over at our house instead. I knew my girls no longer felt safe enough to stay there. They were upset by what had just happened. The girls packed her bag and we left shortly after. I did talk to the other parents about what had happened. They seemed to agree with the little girl's statement: "Oh well, boys will be boys".
Both of these experiences happened in one weekend. It makes me nervous. I have two confident, beautiful, smart, creative and sweet girls. The thought that they could be intimidated and made to feel unsafe by a few guys who just think it's funny to scare or hurt them is alarming to me. I worry about them in situations where a bunch of guys are looking at them and treating them like sexual objects. As women, we learn how to deal with this but I still wish we didn't have to. I still hope that, at some point, boys will be raised to see girls as people not just objects to be conquered. I'd love to see boys who respect girls and treat them well. These experiences have made me aware that we have not reached that point in time. I fear for my daughters. They have no idea.
I don't know what I can do as a woman without a son. This would make for such a great documentary, recording the changes in the perception of boys and girls as they move from ages 7-19 regarding the value of the opposite gender, how to interact with them and what is appropriate behaviour/language. I'm sure it would be an eye opener.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Yesterday, I took my youngest out with me to buy a Subway sandwich for tomorrow's school lunch. I try to offer something different every day of the week and she loves Subway's turkey subs. She had been swimming with her sister and friend earlier in the day so she was wearing her one piece swimsuit with capri shorts over top. As I stood at the far end of the counter, waiting for my turn to order her food, she walked over to the area closer to the cash to decide whether she would have a raisin oatmeal cookie or garden tomato flavoured Sun chips. So far, pretty typical activity, right?
Imagine my surprise when I looked over at her and spotted a table of teenagers. There were three or four teenagers sitting at the end of a group of tables closer to my daughter. Their parents were sitting at the opposite end of these tables, closer to the window, talking amongst themselves, oblivious to their sons. These boys were turning in their seats to look at my daughter, they were giggling and holding up their phones. It looked like they were filming her but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
I thought, this isn't possible. She is seven years old, why would they be filming her? However, the giggling and the looks on their faces led me to believe that they were seeing my seven year old daughter like a potential sexual object. I tried to be rational. They are with their parents, they are probably laughing at something on their computers, something they are looking at that is already filmed and they happened to look at my youngest for some other reason. I did not want to burden my daughter who perceives herself as a child, and rightfully so, by reacting to these boys, accusing them of what I felt was inappropriate behaviour. Where is my proof? I did not want to go over and talk to them because I felt very angry and I worried that if they were doing what I thought and responded with a whatever attitude I might end up doing something I would regret. I walked over to my daughter and blocked their view. She did not notice any of this. I paid for the food and left.
It has bothered me ever since. When you just get a gut feeling and you are having a strong emotional reaction, it is difficult to know how to respond. It could all be a misunderstanding but what if it isn't? How do you approach this in a calm manner? "Excuse me, are you filming my seven year old daughter? Are you saying and thinking sexual thoughts about a seven year old? Can I see what is on your phones? Can you stay here while I call the police and have you arrested?" It was all so surreal.
I have given it a great deal of thought.
On the weekend, we went over to a friend's house for a BBQ. They have a daughter who is in my eldest daughter's class and they have a son who is a teenager. The kids were playing outside, having a great time. They were planning to have a sleepover. My youngest was excited to have a sleepover at their house and asked me when we were leaving because she wanted to feel grown up. The son's friend showed up for a sleepover as well. Suddenly, the dynamics changed. My daughters, their friend and her brother had been playing together before, jumping on the trampoline, running through the sprinklers and goofing around.
Now, they all went inside. We were outside eating. The kids were having too much fun to stop and eat just yet. Next thing I know, my daughters are coming to see me, asking me to help their friend. Her brother and his friend are taking stuff from her room, where the girls were playing, running away to hide her stuff and then wrestling with her. I asked if they were play fighting. My daughters said they weren't, they were hurting her, she was saying ouch and stop. I stood up to go in and investigate. Their friend came out and was putting on a brave face. She is 9 years old. She said: "Sorry about that, boys will be boys". I could tell she was upset despite her forced smile. I asked her if she'd like to sleep over at our house instead. I knew my girls no longer felt safe enough to stay there. They were upset by what had just happened. The girls packed her bag and we left shortly after. I did talk to the other parents about what had happened. They seemed to agree with the little girl's statement: "Oh well, boys will be boys".
Both of these experiences happened in one weekend. It makes me nervous. I have two confident, beautiful, smart, creative and sweet girls. The thought that they could be intimidated and made to feel unsafe by a few guys who just think it's funny to scare or hurt them is alarming to me. I worry about them in situations where a bunch of guys are looking at them and treating them like sexual objects. As women, we learn how to deal with this but I still wish we didn't have to. I still hope that, at some point, boys will be raised to see girls as people not just objects to be conquered. I'd love to see boys who respect girls and treat them well. These experiences have made me aware that we have not reached that point in time. I fear for my daughters. They have no idea.
I don't know what I can do as a woman without a son. This would make for such a great documentary, recording the changes in the perception of boys and girls as they move from ages 7-19 regarding the value of the opposite gender, how to interact with them and what is appropriate behaviour/language. I'm sure it would be an eye opener.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 27 May 2016
Hygiene
May 27th, 2016
This morning I had the same argument with my ten year old that we have been having for months now. She stood in the shower drawing on the glass door with her index finger. I asked her if she had started washing herself yet, she hadn't. Her seven year old sister waited patiently wearing her shower cap. My eldest informed me that she would not be washing herself.
Apparently, I am the only parent who requires that her children shower every day. My eldest assures me that her friends wash once a week. I said that was disgusting. My daughter responded that it was normal and I was unreasonable. Later, I spoke to some friends with children in grade 4. They are having similar battles with their sons and daughters. Grade 4 and 5 teachers are very familiar with the stink of a classroom filled with pre-pubescent children.
It's almost as if they are not aware of their smell yet. Their hormones are kicking in, armpits are sweaty, sneakers are smelly but the pre-teen remains unconcerned. Ironically, once my daughter starts liking boys, I won't be able to get her out of the shower but, for now, it is a battle.
We compared our approaches: "You stink, go wash yourself"! Or "As your mother, it's part of my responsibilities to ensure you wash yourself" or "Don't do it because you want to, do it for your friends who will be spending time with you" or "This is your body, you need to feed it, wash it, exercise it, it's part of self-care". None of us have been successful.
I spoke to my husband about it. His suggestion was: "Let her stink, her friends will tell her she smells and she'll start washing". I can remember my mother asking to speak to me before I went out to play with my friends. I was probably ten years old. She washed my pits and rubbed deodorant on them. I clearly recall how shocked I was. I didn't notice a smell, I thought I was fine. This seemed completely unnecessary. Now I am the Mom and I can't imagine my daughter can't smell her pits or feet.
This is just one more phase of her development to navigate. Speaking to other parents is helpful, it normalizes this experience. Remembering my own pre-teen years is reassuring. I have excellent hygiene now so I know she will be fine in a few years.
Hang in there parents of pre-teens, this too shall pass.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This morning I had the same argument with my ten year old that we have been having for months now. She stood in the shower drawing on the glass door with her index finger. I asked her if she had started washing herself yet, she hadn't. Her seven year old sister waited patiently wearing her shower cap. My eldest informed me that she would not be washing herself.
Apparently, I am the only parent who requires that her children shower every day. My eldest assures me that her friends wash once a week. I said that was disgusting. My daughter responded that it was normal and I was unreasonable. Later, I spoke to some friends with children in grade 4. They are having similar battles with their sons and daughters. Grade 4 and 5 teachers are very familiar with the stink of a classroom filled with pre-pubescent children.
It's almost as if they are not aware of their smell yet. Their hormones are kicking in, armpits are sweaty, sneakers are smelly but the pre-teen remains unconcerned. Ironically, once my daughter starts liking boys, I won't be able to get her out of the shower but, for now, it is a battle.
We compared our approaches: "You stink, go wash yourself"! Or "As your mother, it's part of my responsibilities to ensure you wash yourself" or "Don't do it because you want to, do it for your friends who will be spending time with you" or "This is your body, you need to feed it, wash it, exercise it, it's part of self-care". None of us have been successful.
I spoke to my husband about it. His suggestion was: "Let her stink, her friends will tell her she smells and she'll start washing". I can remember my mother asking to speak to me before I went out to play with my friends. I was probably ten years old. She washed my pits and rubbed deodorant on them. I clearly recall how shocked I was. I didn't notice a smell, I thought I was fine. This seemed completely unnecessary. Now I am the Mom and I can't imagine my daughter can't smell her pits or feet.
This is just one more phase of her development to navigate. Speaking to other parents is helpful, it normalizes this experience. Remembering my own pre-teen years is reassuring. I have excellent hygiene now so I know she will be fine in a few years.
Hang in there parents of pre-teens, this too shall pass.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 13 March 2016
Night Talks
March 13th, 2016
Every night, my girls want to talk before bed. I used to read stories to them then, we started to make up our own stories, now we have graduated to talking about life. My eldest usually initiates this: "Can we just talk, Mom?" What I find interesting is that I am around throughout the day on weekends, trying to connect with them. This can be difficult at times because they want to do different activities and they each want me to choose their activity. I have to bargain, promising to draw with my eldest then play dolls with my youngest. During the day, they seem so mature. I get a few eye rolls or they resist what I am asking them to do. "Brush my teeth? Why? I'm not going out today?" When night comes around, they want to cuddle and talk. I love it!
They talk about school. I find out who they play with at recess, those friends are sometimes different from the ones who come over for playdates. They tell me their stories about who they "broke up" with and why. They hint at some girls who are mean to them. They ask questions they may not ask during the day when we can see each other's faces.
They confess their fears and share their dreams. My eldest is trying to decide how famous she wants to be. She hates the thought of papparazzi being in her face with their cameras but she is determined to become a superstar. She once described her entire tour schedule. Apparently, her entire tour ends in Brazil. We have never been to Brazil or even talked about Brazil but she studied her map of the world and chose a variety of locations to ensure she spreads herself evenly around the globe. Both my daughters don't want to have children because they don't want their bellies to look like mine :). My eldest wants to get married, my youngest isn't interested in marriage. They both swear they will never move away. They want to stay in their room at the house for the rest of their lives.
I enjoy these conversations because I get to convey my values without preaching, just by responding to their questions and stories. Sometimes I tell them about a mistake I made when I was little and what happened as a consequence. Lately, I've been trying to introduce them to music. On Friday, as we were celebrating the start of March Break, I wanted to share Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd. They were not interested in hearing my "old, boring" music. My husband tries to tell them about David Bowie and the Beatles (more eye rolling from the girls). At least, my eldest is hooked on Michael Jackson. I was a huge fan of his when I was her age. One night, we watched a bunch of his videos, singing and dancing along as a family and she was hooked. Now she imitates him, as I used to do at her age, she has a poster of him in her room and she wishes she could have met him when he was alive.
I am happy and proud to have our night talks. Right now the girls fight to spend time with me but, one day, soon enough, they will be teenagers and they will be harder to reach. I hope our talks create a ritual that maintains the lines of communication open for when we need it the most.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Every night, my girls want to talk before bed. I used to read stories to them then, we started to make up our own stories, now we have graduated to talking about life. My eldest usually initiates this: "Can we just talk, Mom?" What I find interesting is that I am around throughout the day on weekends, trying to connect with them. This can be difficult at times because they want to do different activities and they each want me to choose their activity. I have to bargain, promising to draw with my eldest then play dolls with my youngest. During the day, they seem so mature. I get a few eye rolls or they resist what I am asking them to do. "Brush my teeth? Why? I'm not going out today?" When night comes around, they want to cuddle and talk. I love it!
They talk about school. I find out who they play with at recess, those friends are sometimes different from the ones who come over for playdates. They tell me their stories about who they "broke up" with and why. They hint at some girls who are mean to them. They ask questions they may not ask during the day when we can see each other's faces.
They confess their fears and share their dreams. My eldest is trying to decide how famous she wants to be. She hates the thought of papparazzi being in her face with their cameras but she is determined to become a superstar. She once described her entire tour schedule. Apparently, her entire tour ends in Brazil. We have never been to Brazil or even talked about Brazil but she studied her map of the world and chose a variety of locations to ensure she spreads herself evenly around the globe. Both my daughters don't want to have children because they don't want their bellies to look like mine :). My eldest wants to get married, my youngest isn't interested in marriage. They both swear they will never move away. They want to stay in their room at the house for the rest of their lives.
I enjoy these conversations because I get to convey my values without preaching, just by responding to their questions and stories. Sometimes I tell them about a mistake I made when I was little and what happened as a consequence. Lately, I've been trying to introduce them to music. On Friday, as we were celebrating the start of March Break, I wanted to share Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd. They were not interested in hearing my "old, boring" music. My husband tries to tell them about David Bowie and the Beatles (more eye rolling from the girls). At least, my eldest is hooked on Michael Jackson. I was a huge fan of his when I was her age. One night, we watched a bunch of his videos, singing and dancing along as a family and she was hooked. Now she imitates him, as I used to do at her age, she has a poster of him in her room and she wishes she could have met him when he was alive.
I am happy and proud to have our night talks. Right now the girls fight to spend time with me but, one day, soon enough, they will be teenagers and they will be harder to reach. I hope our talks create a ritual that maintains the lines of communication open for when we need it the most.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Why Teens Benefit from Art Therapy
March 7th, 2016
I had the opportunity to offer a stress management art therapy workshop to a group of high school students. I thoroughly enjoyed it and so did the students.
When I started my business, Art & Soul, I was marketing myself to women in midlife. I felt that I could help them because I was also a woman in midlife so I could relate and understand what they were going through. I did get clients in this demographic but many of them asked me to see their children or teenagers.
I ended up with a larger than expected teenage clientèle. Here is what I have noticed about teenagers doing art therapy.
1-Teenagers don't necessarily want to look at an adult while they talk. Have you ever noticed that your teenager talks to you the most when you are driving? Does your teen prefer texting you than talking to you face-to-face even though you are under the same roof? It can feel awkward to talk to an adult while they are looking at you. Eye contact in general can feel intrusive. Art therapy works because the teenage client can get to work painting, drawing or sculpting as we talk.
2-Teenagers are very creative and, it is part of their development to explore ideas, thoughts, beliefs. They are forming their sense of self and naturally turn to creative pursuits to explore different personas, ideas, beliefs and behaviors. The art is a perfect tool for this. Rather than dread the moment when they must meet with an adult and talk about problems, they can look forward to an opportunity to represent issues in a 3D, visual way, externalising and manipulating it.
3-Teenagers don't necessarily trust adults. When teenagers have been beaten or physically/emotionally abused, they may feel very vulnerable during a conversation with their therapist. They have a set amount of time and they are expected to sit down and tell this stranger what they are experiencing. The art provides an option to express information in a progressive way as trust levels grow. The therapist becomes a witness of this creative process, not an interrogator (which is how teen clients have said they feel during verbal therapy).
4-The element of choice is important to everyone, especially teenagers. My teen clients may have chosen to see me, often it is the parent who is sending them. In art therapy, they have many choices which helps them feel empowered. They choose whether to talk or create or do both at the same time. They choose which art material to use and how to apply it. They can add messages in writing on their work to provide additional information to the therapist or parent, something they wouldn't be able to say in person.
Teenagers have told me that they like having a quiet space where they can come and work at their own pace. They are very bright and enjoy observing the progression of their work when we do an art review. They notice the patterns in their work and find journaling helpful in making connections to these patterns. They are in control and feel more and more confident in their creative process. The art miroirs back to them and they gain a strong, grounded sense of who they are and what they are about. Creative exploration should be a valued part of the curriculum in high schools. Once a safe class environment is created, students could learn more compassion for one another as they each work through their issues in a creative way.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I had the opportunity to offer a stress management art therapy workshop to a group of high school students. I thoroughly enjoyed it and so did the students.
When I started my business, Art & Soul, I was marketing myself to women in midlife. I felt that I could help them because I was also a woman in midlife so I could relate and understand what they were going through. I did get clients in this demographic but many of them asked me to see their children or teenagers.
I ended up with a larger than expected teenage clientèle. Here is what I have noticed about teenagers doing art therapy.
1-Teenagers don't necessarily want to look at an adult while they talk. Have you ever noticed that your teenager talks to you the most when you are driving? Does your teen prefer texting you than talking to you face-to-face even though you are under the same roof? It can feel awkward to talk to an adult while they are looking at you. Eye contact in general can feel intrusive. Art therapy works because the teenage client can get to work painting, drawing or sculpting as we talk.
2-Teenagers are very creative and, it is part of their development to explore ideas, thoughts, beliefs. They are forming their sense of self and naturally turn to creative pursuits to explore different personas, ideas, beliefs and behaviors. The art is a perfect tool for this. Rather than dread the moment when they must meet with an adult and talk about problems, they can look forward to an opportunity to represent issues in a 3D, visual way, externalising and manipulating it.
3-Teenagers don't necessarily trust adults. When teenagers have been beaten or physically/emotionally abused, they may feel very vulnerable during a conversation with their therapist. They have a set amount of time and they are expected to sit down and tell this stranger what they are experiencing. The art provides an option to express information in a progressive way as trust levels grow. The therapist becomes a witness of this creative process, not an interrogator (which is how teen clients have said they feel during verbal therapy).
4-The element of choice is important to everyone, especially teenagers. My teen clients may have chosen to see me, often it is the parent who is sending them. In art therapy, they have many choices which helps them feel empowered. They choose whether to talk or create or do both at the same time. They choose which art material to use and how to apply it. They can add messages in writing on their work to provide additional information to the therapist or parent, something they wouldn't be able to say in person.
Teenagers have told me that they like having a quiet space where they can come and work at their own pace. They are very bright and enjoy observing the progression of their work when we do an art review. They notice the patterns in their work and find journaling helpful in making connections to these patterns. They are in control and feel more and more confident in their creative process. The art miroirs back to them and they gain a strong, grounded sense of who they are and what they are about. Creative exploration should be a valued part of the curriculum in high schools. Once a safe class environment is created, students could learn more compassion for one another as they each work through their issues in a creative way.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
To be or not to be Gay
March 4th, 2016
I will always remember the day I heard that the man of my dreams was gay. I was 17 years old and madly in lust for someone I had just met. He was a friend of my friends and I met him through them. I asked my friends if he was seeing anyone. They confirmed that he was single. I got all dolled up for the next party. On the bus, as we were getting closer to the party, I was asking questions about my guy. My friends answered my questions but something was wrong. After each answer they would exchange looks and giggle. When they told me not to get my hopes up I got angry. I asked them to explain their behavior: did they think I wasn't good enough for him? They realised they were hurting my feelings and decided to put me out of my misery. They told me: Anne, he's gay.
I had never met a gay person before and was totally ignorant about the whole thing. They had bursted my bubble. At the party, the gay guy was making out with a girl which confused me. Apparently, when he's drunk, he is not as gay? Over the years, we became really close friends. I stopped trying to make him straight and he became my hairstylist, make-up artist and fashion consultant. I was like a live mannequin for him. Oddly enough, he was the first person who made me feel beautiful.
I met many of his boyfriends over the years. We travelled to Montreal together to shop and sit in coffee houses meeting new people. I had always been shy but he was so social that I was able to relax and enjoy meeting new people. My teen years were among the best years of my life-a time of exploration through our theater group, of discovering my beauty and femininity through my gay best friend and, opportunities to meet new people.
My awareness and understanding of what it means to be gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender grew as I met and became friends with an ever-expanding circle of friends. These relationships made me a more open, relaxed, compassionate person. I met young adults who were being denied as a member of their family because of who they were. I met two individuals who were in the process of changing their sexual identity. The people I met during those years were so authentic, accepting and open. We had meaningful discussions and I thoroughly enjoyed this period of my life.
I recently offered a stress management workshop for teens and I saw the same struggle playing out. It brought it all back for me. Their conflict over pretending to be someone they are not in order to fit in or be who they are and risk rejection. I send love to anyone going through this process of self-discovery. It's not easy but you are beautiful and worthy of love. I hope someone will read these words and feel accepted and loved. Just be yourself, your true friends will stand by you and your life will be much happier because you are being authentic.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I will always remember the day I heard that the man of my dreams was gay. I was 17 years old and madly in lust for someone I had just met. He was a friend of my friends and I met him through them. I asked my friends if he was seeing anyone. They confirmed that he was single. I got all dolled up for the next party. On the bus, as we were getting closer to the party, I was asking questions about my guy. My friends answered my questions but something was wrong. After each answer they would exchange looks and giggle. When they told me not to get my hopes up I got angry. I asked them to explain their behavior: did they think I wasn't good enough for him? They realised they were hurting my feelings and decided to put me out of my misery. They told me: Anne, he's gay.
I had never met a gay person before and was totally ignorant about the whole thing. They had bursted my bubble. At the party, the gay guy was making out with a girl which confused me. Apparently, when he's drunk, he is not as gay? Over the years, we became really close friends. I stopped trying to make him straight and he became my hairstylist, make-up artist and fashion consultant. I was like a live mannequin for him. Oddly enough, he was the first person who made me feel beautiful.
I met many of his boyfriends over the years. We travelled to Montreal together to shop and sit in coffee houses meeting new people. I had always been shy but he was so social that I was able to relax and enjoy meeting new people. My teen years were among the best years of my life-a time of exploration through our theater group, of discovering my beauty and femininity through my gay best friend and, opportunities to meet new people.
My awareness and understanding of what it means to be gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender grew as I met and became friends with an ever-expanding circle of friends. These relationships made me a more open, relaxed, compassionate person. I met young adults who were being denied as a member of their family because of who they were. I met two individuals who were in the process of changing their sexual identity. The people I met during those years were so authentic, accepting and open. We had meaningful discussions and I thoroughly enjoyed this period of my life.
I recently offered a stress management workshop for teens and I saw the same struggle playing out. It brought it all back for me. Their conflict over pretending to be someone they are not in order to fit in or be who they are and risk rejection. I send love to anyone going through this process of self-discovery. It's not easy but you are beautiful and worthy of love. I hope someone will read these words and feel accepted and loved. Just be yourself, your true friends will stand by you and your life will be much happier because you are being authentic.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Teen Poverty
February 22nd, 2016
On Monday evening, I went to a meeting at The Branch Restaurant in Kemptville. The meeting was organized by the Share the Love campaign officer, Heather Sansom. I was invited to speak about the art project I facilitated at Oxford on Rideau Public School. A gentleman from Youth Centres of Canada provided sobering statistics about poverty and the results of rural poverty on our community. Robin Heald from the Kemptville Youth Centre spoke at length about the situations she encounters through her work, youth who need shelter and have nowhere to go. She described the lack of resources in our area, like shelters and, explained the difference between agencies that offer referrals and agencies that conduct referral management. The Kemptville Youth Centre can refer clients to resources in adjoining communities like the Ottawa Shelter or the Prescott Shelter which is currently conducting a pilot project. Referring means she can give clients a phone number and a telephone, the rest is up to them. Once the teenagers leave her centre, she has no idea where they ended up.
We discussed the impact of poverty on community health: inadequate food or cold homes so children get sick. We examined the correlation to dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, obesity (by eating cheap, processed food) and relocation. Youth will choose to go to the Ottawa shelter, given a choice because there are more accessible resources there and transportation. Once they get there, there is no follow-up so they may end up on the streets which can lead to drug use or prostitution. Robin would rather have referral management services. This means you actively connect youth to resources, you contact those resources for them and coordinate them accessing the services. You then follow-up for a set amount of time to ensure they are gaining the skills or contact necessary to their success. They may need job skills or assistance with housing. Once teenagers leave our area, chances are they will not return to our area.
We met Mario, the manager of the new ReStore in Kemptville who just moved to Kemptville from PEI. The Restore raises funds for Habitat for Humanity by accepting donations of used construction materials and selling them to the public, home builders etc. The money helps to pay for their next building project. Habitat for Humanity chooses a family in need and works in partnership with them to build a home. They have a mortgage but is in interest-free and adjusted according to their income. The home is theirs and they can choose to sell it once they have lived there for a year. Mario reported the many benefits for families who become homeowners. Children have a space of their own, a home they can be proud of, they have sense of ownership and learn to take care of their home, they can have people over for playdates.
Having the ReStore is good news. However, the lack of resources for teens means many local youth fall through the cracks. Robin lead a brainstorm of potential solutions. Initially, the discussion was focused on how we can gather data re: how many local teens are actually homeless, couch surfing or stuck in abusive situations. There were many suggestions including having an intranet database that social service agencies could use to enter information about teenagers who were using their services, using the youth's initials to ensure confidentiality while avoiding counting the same person twice. Others talked about policies and procedures that exist elsewhere. We could contact them and ask for their service map to learn from their experience. One success story came from Medicine Hat where homelessness became a priority and was drastically reduced. The Prescott Shelter Pilot Project is likely to expand to our area. For now, Robin encourages everyone to contact their MP and MPP and demand that the issue of teen homelessness be addressed. This is a crucial time as our Municipality is discussing policies that will affect affordable housing in Leeds-Grenville.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
On Monday evening, I went to a meeting at The Branch Restaurant in Kemptville. The meeting was organized by the Share the Love campaign officer, Heather Sansom. I was invited to speak about the art project I facilitated at Oxford on Rideau Public School. A gentleman from Youth Centres of Canada provided sobering statistics about poverty and the results of rural poverty on our community. Robin Heald from the Kemptville Youth Centre spoke at length about the situations she encounters through her work, youth who need shelter and have nowhere to go. She described the lack of resources in our area, like shelters and, explained the difference between agencies that offer referrals and agencies that conduct referral management. The Kemptville Youth Centre can refer clients to resources in adjoining communities like the Ottawa Shelter or the Prescott Shelter which is currently conducting a pilot project. Referring means she can give clients a phone number and a telephone, the rest is up to them. Once the teenagers leave her centre, she has no idea where they ended up.
We discussed the impact of poverty on community health: inadequate food or cold homes so children get sick. We examined the correlation to dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, obesity (by eating cheap, processed food) and relocation. Youth will choose to go to the Ottawa shelter, given a choice because there are more accessible resources there and transportation. Once they get there, there is no follow-up so they may end up on the streets which can lead to drug use or prostitution. Robin would rather have referral management services. This means you actively connect youth to resources, you contact those resources for them and coordinate them accessing the services. You then follow-up for a set amount of time to ensure they are gaining the skills or contact necessary to their success. They may need job skills or assistance with housing. Once teenagers leave our area, chances are they will not return to our area.
We met Mario, the manager of the new ReStore in Kemptville who just moved to Kemptville from PEI. The Restore raises funds for Habitat for Humanity by accepting donations of used construction materials and selling them to the public, home builders etc. The money helps to pay for their next building project. Habitat for Humanity chooses a family in need and works in partnership with them to build a home. They have a mortgage but is in interest-free and adjusted according to their income. The home is theirs and they can choose to sell it once they have lived there for a year. Mario reported the many benefits for families who become homeowners. Children have a space of their own, a home they can be proud of, they have sense of ownership and learn to take care of their home, they can have people over for playdates.
Having the ReStore is good news. However, the lack of resources for teens means many local youth fall through the cracks. Robin lead a brainstorm of potential solutions. Initially, the discussion was focused on how we can gather data re: how many local teens are actually homeless, couch surfing or stuck in abusive situations. There were many suggestions including having an intranet database that social service agencies could use to enter information about teenagers who were using their services, using the youth's initials to ensure confidentiality while avoiding counting the same person twice. Others talked about policies and procedures that exist elsewhere. We could contact them and ask for their service map to learn from their experience. One success story came from Medicine Hat where homelessness became a priority and was drastically reduced. The Prescott Shelter Pilot Project is likely to expand to our area. For now, Robin encourages everyone to contact their MP and MPP and demand that the issue of teen homelessness be addressed. This is a crucial time as our Municipality is discussing policies that will affect affordable housing in Leeds-Grenville.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Book of the Week: Girls on the Edge-Part 2
February 18th, 2016
Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.
In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.
In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.
The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.
In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.
In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.
The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Book of the Week-Girls On The Edge-Part 1
February 11th, 2016
This week's book is really freaking me out. Leonard Sax has authored two books that caught my attention. Boys Adrift is a book about the phenomenon of "lazy boys" who live in a cocoon of video games. All their needs are met and they feel no desire to go beyond their comfortable bedroom to search for anything else.
Girls On The Edge examines what is happening to our girls. As the mother of two girls, this book has me taking notes. I am really taking my time getting through this book and processing the abundance of information. That's why I write "part 1" in the title of this post. So far, I have read about the challenges faced by our daughters. Next week, I will read about the solutions to these challenges and report back for "part 2".
Dr. Sax makes an interesting point. His main message is that girls these days do not develop a sense of who they are. Usually, as you are exposed to your community which involves children of all ages, men and women, you have experiences that shape your perception of who you are. You also have some quiet time to yourself. These days with the crazy, hectic schedules: school, hockey, swimming, gymnastics, dance etc.. girls do not have a lot of unstructured down time. Also, we are less connected as families and as communities. Chances are you don't know your neighbours and you wouldn't feel safe if your daughter was walking alone in your neighbourhood. Children are in school with other kids the same age so there is little interaction with multiple age groups. Opportunities to connect as a family may be reduced as well as everyone struggles to juggle their schedule.
Girls are more likely to identify with one aspect of themselves, like being smart, thin, popular or athletic. They invest all their energy and attention into this one aspect and neglect the development of a core sense of self. Then, if they don't get into a prestigious college, or they gain weight or their friends turn on them, they are lost. They don't know who they are. They have a hole where their core should be. They try to fill the hole with alcohol but it just makes things messier. They are left with anxiety and/or depression.
The author describes four factors that put our daughters at risk. The first one is sexual identity. Our daughters are sexualized at a young age. They dress like older girls so they look older and in some cases participate in sexual behaviours before they are ready. They don't develop a sexual identity because they are sexualized before they even have the desire to be sexual. They become objectified and seek the attention of boys through acting out sexually. They don't believe they need to be in a relationship to have sex, it is seen as something casual. Therefore, they are performing sexual acts in the absence of a relationship. They even make out with other girls in front of boys for their enjoyment.
The second factor is the "cyberbubble". The trend of posting photos on Facebook and bogging about whatever is happening in their life means that many girls are developing a personae rather than a sense of self. They dress up for parties to look good in the photos. They need to stay current so they know what is hot and what is not. Their experiences become all about self-promotion. They become more of a logo than a person. What is important is to keep people interested and to get the "likes". Again, their actions have more to do with pleasing others than with self-expression or personal satisfaction.While they are honing their PR skills, they are not learning how to interact face to face with another person. Social media leaves very little time for breaks, they are always on and are expected to reply quickly. Teenagers belong to their own culture, excluding others who could balance things out for them. If teenagers are on the computer in the privacy of their room, parents could be oblivious to what is happening to their child. Cyberbullying is a real threat. Bullies have access to your daughter 24/7 and can post things that are untrue and hurtful. Lastly, there is the possibility of sexting, where your teenager sends suggestive photos of herself to a boyfriend. These photos can be shared with others and are considered child pornography. She could be charged if she gets caught.
The third factor is "obsessions". These include the cult of thinness promoted by "pro-anorexic" sites, the athlete who ignores her body's pain signals to maintain her competitive edge, the overachiever whose schedule is so full of commitments she doesn't know how to relax and have fun, the party girl who drinks to get "more personality" and, the cutter who enjoys feeling disconnected from her body, removed from the pain. Many teenagers grow up too fast and try to reclaim their childhood when they have grown up.
The fourth factor is "environmental toxins". Dr. Sax examines the link between BPA and phthalates and the early onset of puberty. PETE, BPA and phthalates mimic female hormones in the body causing girls to develop as young as age 7. They are found in plastics, lotions and creams. Early puberty is correlated to an absence of the biological father figure in the household. His pheromones keep her puberty at bay for a few years. There are new medications, Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone Analogs that parents can use to postpone puberty in their daughter if it begins too early. Early puberty is linked to many challenges including anxiety, depression, smoking, drinking and reduced brain flexibility.
As you can see, our daughters are facing many challenges. I don't know about you but reading this book was a bit overwhelming for me. That is why I am eager to read the next half of the book where the author provides suggestions and tips to help parents navigate this obstacle course. I will be back next week with part 2. Stay tuned!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This week's book is really freaking me out. Leonard Sax has authored two books that caught my attention. Boys Adrift is a book about the phenomenon of "lazy boys" who live in a cocoon of video games. All their needs are met and they feel no desire to go beyond their comfortable bedroom to search for anything else.
Girls On The Edge examines what is happening to our girls. As the mother of two girls, this book has me taking notes. I am really taking my time getting through this book and processing the abundance of information. That's why I write "part 1" in the title of this post. So far, I have read about the challenges faced by our daughters. Next week, I will read about the solutions to these challenges and report back for "part 2".
Dr. Sax makes an interesting point. His main message is that girls these days do not develop a sense of who they are. Usually, as you are exposed to your community which involves children of all ages, men and women, you have experiences that shape your perception of who you are. You also have some quiet time to yourself. These days with the crazy, hectic schedules: school, hockey, swimming, gymnastics, dance etc.. girls do not have a lot of unstructured down time. Also, we are less connected as families and as communities. Chances are you don't know your neighbours and you wouldn't feel safe if your daughter was walking alone in your neighbourhood. Children are in school with other kids the same age so there is little interaction with multiple age groups. Opportunities to connect as a family may be reduced as well as everyone struggles to juggle their schedule.
Girls are more likely to identify with one aspect of themselves, like being smart, thin, popular or athletic. They invest all their energy and attention into this one aspect and neglect the development of a core sense of self. Then, if they don't get into a prestigious college, or they gain weight or their friends turn on them, they are lost. They don't know who they are. They have a hole where their core should be. They try to fill the hole with alcohol but it just makes things messier. They are left with anxiety and/or depression.
The author describes four factors that put our daughters at risk. The first one is sexual identity. Our daughters are sexualized at a young age. They dress like older girls so they look older and in some cases participate in sexual behaviours before they are ready. They don't develop a sexual identity because they are sexualized before they even have the desire to be sexual. They become objectified and seek the attention of boys through acting out sexually. They don't believe they need to be in a relationship to have sex, it is seen as something casual. Therefore, they are performing sexual acts in the absence of a relationship. They even make out with other girls in front of boys for their enjoyment.
The second factor is the "cyberbubble". The trend of posting photos on Facebook and bogging about whatever is happening in their life means that many girls are developing a personae rather than a sense of self. They dress up for parties to look good in the photos. They need to stay current so they know what is hot and what is not. Their experiences become all about self-promotion. They become more of a logo than a person. What is important is to keep people interested and to get the "likes". Again, their actions have more to do with pleasing others than with self-expression or personal satisfaction.While they are honing their PR skills, they are not learning how to interact face to face with another person. Social media leaves very little time for breaks, they are always on and are expected to reply quickly. Teenagers belong to their own culture, excluding others who could balance things out for them. If teenagers are on the computer in the privacy of their room, parents could be oblivious to what is happening to their child. Cyberbullying is a real threat. Bullies have access to your daughter 24/7 and can post things that are untrue and hurtful. Lastly, there is the possibility of sexting, where your teenager sends suggestive photos of herself to a boyfriend. These photos can be shared with others and are considered child pornography. She could be charged if she gets caught.
The third factor is "obsessions". These include the cult of thinness promoted by "pro-anorexic" sites, the athlete who ignores her body's pain signals to maintain her competitive edge, the overachiever whose schedule is so full of commitments she doesn't know how to relax and have fun, the party girl who drinks to get "more personality" and, the cutter who enjoys feeling disconnected from her body, removed from the pain. Many teenagers grow up too fast and try to reclaim their childhood when they have grown up.
The fourth factor is "environmental toxins". Dr. Sax examines the link between BPA and phthalates and the early onset of puberty. PETE, BPA and phthalates mimic female hormones in the body causing girls to develop as young as age 7. They are found in plastics, lotions and creams. Early puberty is correlated to an absence of the biological father figure in the household. His pheromones keep her puberty at bay for a few years. There are new medications, Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone Analogs that parents can use to postpone puberty in their daughter if it begins too early. Early puberty is linked to many challenges including anxiety, depression, smoking, drinking and reduced brain flexibility.
As you can see, our daughters are facing many challenges. I don't know about you but reading this book was a bit overwhelming for me. That is why I am eager to read the next half of the book where the author provides suggestions and tips to help parents navigate this obstacle course. I will be back next week with part 2. Stay tuned!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 4 January 2016
Motherhood-Growing Pains
January 4th, 2016
The young lady who once babysat my little ones is now a mother. I see photos of her with her newborn and I can't believe how much time has passed. I loved being pregnant, breastfeeding, walking around with my baby in a sling, humming lullabies (could never remember the words), watching my baby sleep, going out for walks with the stroller, the whole thing.
My favorite age though has to be 18 months. Everything is magical at that age and you get to introduce your little one to all sorts of experiences and watch her reaction. Sitting together, enjoying a picnic at the beach, imagining our yard as a spaceship, kissing booboos, taking our time, examining every flower or insect, I miss those days.
The thing is, while all this was happening, I wondered if I was being a good mom. I questioned my decisions: Should Molly have juice with supper or is the juice spoiling her appetite as our neighbor suggests? Am I a bad mom for bringing the girls to McDonalds once in a while? The other moms are feeding only organic, whole foods to their children. Is it weird that I haven't weaned my daughter yet if the other moms stopped nursing by six months? Why is my one year old not sleeping through the night? The ladies at play group said their baby slept through the night from the time they brought him home from the hospital.
Overall, mothering young children came easily to me and I enjoyed it. As my eldest daughter nears age 10, however, it is becoming clear to me that I need a whole new skill set. One evening, as I was sitting with a young man at the Kemptville Youth Centre during an art therapy workshop, I heard him complain about his mother. She was a great source of frustration to him. I listened to him describe what happened when he got home from school. She was trying to connect with him, asking about his day and offering to fix him a snack. This annoyed him because he just wanted to be left alone. I explained to him that, as parents, we each have our strengths. She was a good nurturer but he needed something different from her now. We explored what he did need from his parents so he could communicate this to them. We discussed how our needs and roles shift throughout the life cycle and how they were currently experiencing a growing pain. He was changing and his parents needed his help and guidance. His mom just hadn't found a new way of expressing her love for him. If you offer something to your child and he says: "No, thank you" and you have no idea what else you can do, you are lost, hurt and a bit sad.
This is what I am learning from my own daughter. Sometimes she wants to sit in my lap, be hugged and talk about everything going on in her life. We spend quality time together and I feel like the best mom ever. At other times, she feels frustrated about things that happened at school and she needs to vent, taking it out on me. I am her safe place and she pushes my buttons, stretches the boundaries and, tests the limits. I must decide when to be compassionate and when to be stern and enforce rules. Sometimes I do alright but most of the time I fall short. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself as a mother it didn't look like this. After she's blown up and I have lost my cool, I try to deconstruct what happened and figure out where I went wrong. She's a good girl and I know she'll be fine but this new phase in our relationship has forced me to stretch outside of my comfort zone.
I think the worst part of this phase is the lack of communication among parents. When our children are young, we discuss our challenges: "Little Frankie won't sleep", "Sally had a tantrum at Walmart the other day", "I'm not sure Timmy is ready to start cereal, how old was yours when you started him on solids"? So, today, I am stating, for the record, that I do not have all the answers, that my children are amazing most of the time but have bursts of behaviors that I do not understand and, that despite my training and intentions, I do not always manage their behavior or mine effectively.
Hopefully, this post is helpful for some of you, encouraging you to talk to someone because you recognize that it is a normal growing pain and you are not alone
The young lady who once babysat my little ones is now a mother. I see photos of her with her newborn and I can't believe how much time has passed. I loved being pregnant, breastfeeding, walking around with my baby in a sling, humming lullabies (could never remember the words), watching my baby sleep, going out for walks with the stroller, the whole thing.
My favorite age though has to be 18 months. Everything is magical at that age and you get to introduce your little one to all sorts of experiences and watch her reaction. Sitting together, enjoying a picnic at the beach, imagining our yard as a spaceship, kissing booboos, taking our time, examining every flower or insect, I miss those days.
The thing is, while all this was happening, I wondered if I was being a good mom. I questioned my decisions: Should Molly have juice with supper or is the juice spoiling her appetite as our neighbor suggests? Am I a bad mom for bringing the girls to McDonalds once in a while? The other moms are feeding only organic, whole foods to their children. Is it weird that I haven't weaned my daughter yet if the other moms stopped nursing by six months? Why is my one year old not sleeping through the night? The ladies at play group said their baby slept through the night from the time they brought him home from the hospital.
Overall, mothering young children came easily to me and I enjoyed it. As my eldest daughter nears age 10, however, it is becoming clear to me that I need a whole new skill set. One evening, as I was sitting with a young man at the Kemptville Youth Centre during an art therapy workshop, I heard him complain about his mother. She was a great source of frustration to him. I listened to him describe what happened when he got home from school. She was trying to connect with him, asking about his day and offering to fix him a snack. This annoyed him because he just wanted to be left alone. I explained to him that, as parents, we each have our strengths. She was a good nurturer but he needed something different from her now. We explored what he did need from his parents so he could communicate this to them. We discussed how our needs and roles shift throughout the life cycle and how they were currently experiencing a growing pain. He was changing and his parents needed his help and guidance. His mom just hadn't found a new way of expressing her love for him. If you offer something to your child and he says: "No, thank you" and you have no idea what else you can do, you are lost, hurt and a bit sad.
This is what I am learning from my own daughter. Sometimes she wants to sit in my lap, be hugged and talk about everything going on in her life. We spend quality time together and I feel like the best mom ever. At other times, she feels frustrated about things that happened at school and she needs to vent, taking it out on me. I am her safe place and she pushes my buttons, stretches the boundaries and, tests the limits. I must decide when to be compassionate and when to be stern and enforce rules. Sometimes I do alright but most of the time I fall short. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself as a mother it didn't look like this. After she's blown up and I have lost my cool, I try to deconstruct what happened and figure out where I went wrong. She's a good girl and I know she'll be fine but this new phase in our relationship has forced me to stretch outside of my comfort zone.
I think the worst part of this phase is the lack of communication among parents. When our children are young, we discuss our challenges: "Little Frankie won't sleep", "Sally had a tantrum at Walmart the other day", "I'm not sure Timmy is ready to start cereal, how old was yours when you started him on solids"? So, today, I am stating, for the record, that I do not have all the answers, that my children are amazing most of the time but have bursts of behaviors that I do not understand and, that despite my training and intentions, I do not always manage their behavior or mine effectively.
Hopefully, this post is helpful for some of you, encouraging you to talk to someone because you recognize that it is a normal growing pain and you are not alone
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