December 16th, 2016
Today was one of those days. You know the ones? You have an ambitious to-do list and you toss and turn all night going over what you want to accomplish, trying to figure out how to proceed. Where do I start? That was me this morning. I looked at my list, turned on the music and got busy. Among the items on my list were de-cluttering and re-organizing furniture.
My mother-in-law will be visiting for ten days over Christmas. I now have one visit under my belt therefore I know what to expect, we have met and connected in the summer so it's less stressful in that way this time. However, it's winter and Christmas therefore I need to prepare for her visit differently. Our bedroom is quite cold and I don't want her to freeze during her visit as she will be sleeping in our room. The contractors came to finish sealing up our new windows today so that is one less concern. I have been cranking up the heat at the girls' bath time to see how cozy the room can get.
Last time, the girls spent most of their time playing in my eldest daughter's room. They were excited to meet their grandma but she didn't spend a great deal of time getting to know them. Every time they sat near her, they listened to adult conversations and felt excluded. By the time she left, they did not feel that they had gotten to know her. They were sad that they hadn't bonded. I have moved our dining room table to the kitchen where it once was, when the children were little. In the old dining room, I have set up a play room. This is how the house was set up for years when the girls were little. They loved it and it was a great way to keep an eye on them while I cooked. I am hoping that they will have more opportunities to interact with their grandma if they are playing on the main floor where we are.
Christmas is a big thing in our home. We spend our time hanging out in our pyjamas. We eat, read, play, watch movies and eat again. We talk and laugh, light sparklers and pull crackers. We all love this time of the year. That is one of the reasons I am a bit nervous. I hope Christmas will be just as awesome this year. When my mother-in-law visited in the summer, my husband struggled with the gap between his expectations and the reality of his relationship with his mother. He rode a roller coaster of anxiety, anger, guilt and sadness. He and his mother bickered at times. I was taken aback by their interaction because I knew he really wanted her to be there. He spent a great deal of time leaving the house for errands and I spent more time with my mother-in-law than he did. I didn't mind it because she is easy to get along with however, my daughters felt neglected. I wasn't playing with them or talking to them as much and they resented it. Now, we are heading into this special holiday and I want to make my mother-in-law feel welcome while still making time to create memories with the girls.
Ever since the girls have arrived from school, they have been playing in their new toy room on the main floor. We ate at the dining table in the kitchen. It all feels like before, when they were little and it brings back fond memories. I feel a shift in the energy in the house. It feels good. I am thrilled with what I got done today. It was just that kind of day, I was on a roll. I am one step closer to having our home ready for a special guest. My hope for the holidays is that my husband will treat this visit as a gift, an opportunity to spend a peaceful Christmas surrounded by the women and girls who love him: his mother, my mother, our daughters and, of course, his wife.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Friday, 16 December 2016
Wednesday, 26 October 2016
Ontario Parenting Connection
October 26th, 2016
This evening, two local women are holding a meeting in Kemptville to launch Ontario Parenting Connection. The goal of this initial meeting is a needs assessment therefore all local parents are invited to attend and voice their concerns, desires and dreams for the area. Some of the needs identified by the co-founders, two busy moms with young children, are walk-in clinics to avoid congestion and long waits at the KDH emergency room, a recreation complex with an indoor pool, a splash pad, bathrooms and shaded areas at local parks as well as a more pedestrian-friendly infrastructure for our city.
I can vouch for all of these concerns as the parent of two young girls, now aged 8 and 10. After I had my second, there was nowhere to walk safely and this made it harder to shed my baby fat, get my daily dose of vitamin D from the sun and stay fit. My daughters don't ride bicycles because we live at the corner of two busy roads where people scream around the corner, often distracted by their phone.
Ever since my daughters were you, we have had to drive to Brockville or Ottawa to swim in the Winter. This requires an extra effort, some planning and, driving through various weather conditions. If there was an indoor swimming pool in Kemptville, we could go weekly, at a set time and look forward to it. However, driving to the Nepean Sportsplex makes things more complicated. When one or two of your children are at an age where they nap, it becomes almost laughable. You need to find out what time you can go for a free swim or family swim, you need to figure out how long the drive will be, where the children will nap (in the car, before you leave, when you return?), when they will eat (prepared lunches in the car, eat once we get there, eat at the house and bring a snack for later). It gets complicated.
I am blessed with two healthy daughters. However, when my youngest started grade 1, she was getting ear infections. She had never had them before and apparently they were caused by mould in her classroom, an issue that has since been resolved. I have needed to take her to the emergency room twice due to double ear infections, waiting hours to be seen by the doctor and leaving with a prescription for antibiotics. A third time, I had her checked after the school called me because another student had knocked her to the floor, banging her head on gym tiles during physical education class. They suspected a concussion but she was fine. Once again, a long wait in a germ-infested waiting room. A walk-in clinic would alleviate congestion and cut down on wait times.
My daughters and I have been to pretty much every park in the area. Other than the Riverside Park and South Mountain Park, most of the time, there is nobody there. In the warm months, the play structure gets really hot and dangerous because there is no shade. If your child needs to go to the washroom, you have to drive home, go to a store near by or have them pee in the bush. There are Port-A-Potties at Riverside Park but they smell bad and occasionally have hornet's nests in them. There is no way I am getting my daughters in there.
I would add another item to be discussed. The lack of buses or train stations in Kemptville. We have one bus, it leaves Kemptville early on weekday mornings to bring commuters to Ottawa for work. It returns to Kemptville around 6pm on weeknights. We have many one car families. One parent drives to work and the stay-at-home parent stays home without any means of getting anywhere for socializing and recreation. You may be able to walk during the Spring and Fall but it may be too hot to brave long distances in the Summer and too cold in the Winter. This means parents are stranded and isolated in their homes. Having a bus that flows through Kemptville, Oxford Mills and South Mountain, would mobilize parents with young children, allowing for greater access to local stores, to programming at the Municipal Centre and, to each other. Some of my clients are in abusive relationships. Their partner takes the phone and the car away during the day and these women are stuck, too far from any resources to attempt their escape.
I went to Ontario Early Years when my girls were young. It was an awesome resource for me as I had moved to the area while I was pregnant with my youngest. The OEY centre moved from Saunders to across the street and now to CR 43. I was lucky enough to live up the street and have access to a car. I believe that the best strategy for rural areas is to have an RV which travels to various neighbourhoods and offers programming on a set schedule to that area. Parents could walk up the street to attend programs and connect with other families who live nearby. The RV could park in Meadowglen on Monday mornings, Stonehaven on Monday afternoons, Abbott Road on Tuesday mornings, Victoria Park on Tuesday afternoons, E-Quinelle on Wednesday mornings and return to the first area for a second visit. This way, every family could walk to at least one location for support and they could still drive to other areas if they wished to do so. It just makes sense.
If you'd like to give your two cents, join Samantha Kutowy and Meghan Coupal this evening from 6:30-8:30pm at the Grenville Mutual Insurance Building in Kemptville or e-mail them at ontarioparenting@gmail.com.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This evening, two local women are holding a meeting in Kemptville to launch Ontario Parenting Connection. The goal of this initial meeting is a needs assessment therefore all local parents are invited to attend and voice their concerns, desires and dreams for the area. Some of the needs identified by the co-founders, two busy moms with young children, are walk-in clinics to avoid congestion and long waits at the KDH emergency room, a recreation complex with an indoor pool, a splash pad, bathrooms and shaded areas at local parks as well as a more pedestrian-friendly infrastructure for our city.
I can vouch for all of these concerns as the parent of two young girls, now aged 8 and 10. After I had my second, there was nowhere to walk safely and this made it harder to shed my baby fat, get my daily dose of vitamin D from the sun and stay fit. My daughters don't ride bicycles because we live at the corner of two busy roads where people scream around the corner, often distracted by their phone.
Ever since my daughters were you, we have had to drive to Brockville or Ottawa to swim in the Winter. This requires an extra effort, some planning and, driving through various weather conditions. If there was an indoor swimming pool in Kemptville, we could go weekly, at a set time and look forward to it. However, driving to the Nepean Sportsplex makes things more complicated. When one or two of your children are at an age where they nap, it becomes almost laughable. You need to find out what time you can go for a free swim or family swim, you need to figure out how long the drive will be, where the children will nap (in the car, before you leave, when you return?), when they will eat (prepared lunches in the car, eat once we get there, eat at the house and bring a snack for later). It gets complicated.
I am blessed with two healthy daughters. However, when my youngest started grade 1, she was getting ear infections. She had never had them before and apparently they were caused by mould in her classroom, an issue that has since been resolved. I have needed to take her to the emergency room twice due to double ear infections, waiting hours to be seen by the doctor and leaving with a prescription for antibiotics. A third time, I had her checked after the school called me because another student had knocked her to the floor, banging her head on gym tiles during physical education class. They suspected a concussion but she was fine. Once again, a long wait in a germ-infested waiting room. A walk-in clinic would alleviate congestion and cut down on wait times.
My daughters and I have been to pretty much every park in the area. Other than the Riverside Park and South Mountain Park, most of the time, there is nobody there. In the warm months, the play structure gets really hot and dangerous because there is no shade. If your child needs to go to the washroom, you have to drive home, go to a store near by or have them pee in the bush. There are Port-A-Potties at Riverside Park but they smell bad and occasionally have hornet's nests in them. There is no way I am getting my daughters in there.
I would add another item to be discussed. The lack of buses or train stations in Kemptville. We have one bus, it leaves Kemptville early on weekday mornings to bring commuters to Ottawa for work. It returns to Kemptville around 6pm on weeknights. We have many one car families. One parent drives to work and the stay-at-home parent stays home without any means of getting anywhere for socializing and recreation. You may be able to walk during the Spring and Fall but it may be too hot to brave long distances in the Summer and too cold in the Winter. This means parents are stranded and isolated in their homes. Having a bus that flows through Kemptville, Oxford Mills and South Mountain, would mobilize parents with young children, allowing for greater access to local stores, to programming at the Municipal Centre and, to each other. Some of my clients are in abusive relationships. Their partner takes the phone and the car away during the day and these women are stuck, too far from any resources to attempt their escape.
I went to Ontario Early Years when my girls were young. It was an awesome resource for me as I had moved to the area while I was pregnant with my youngest. The OEY centre moved from Saunders to across the street and now to CR 43. I was lucky enough to live up the street and have access to a car. I believe that the best strategy for rural areas is to have an RV which travels to various neighbourhoods and offers programming on a set schedule to that area. Parents could walk up the street to attend programs and connect with other families who live nearby. The RV could park in Meadowglen on Monday mornings, Stonehaven on Monday afternoons, Abbott Road on Tuesday mornings, Victoria Park on Tuesday afternoons, E-Quinelle on Wednesday mornings and return to the first area for a second visit. This way, every family could walk to at least one location for support and they could still drive to other areas if they wished to do so. It just makes sense.
If you'd like to give your two cents, join Samantha Kutowy and Meghan Coupal this evening from 6:30-8:30pm at the Grenville Mutual Insurance Building in Kemptville or e-mail them at ontarioparenting@gmail.com.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
In Defence of Homeopathy
October 19th, 2016
There are so many grey areas in health care, services that may work but you'll never hear about them from your health care provider. Many people are turning to naturopaths to explore other options. The problem with that is not everyone can afford to pay for their doctor's appointments or the supplements or health products that are recommended. As an art therapist, I know that many people who could benefit from my services choose to see a psychiatrist because they can't afford to pay for my services and their work insurance plan doesn't cover it.
Recently, I was trying to help my daughter. She will be 11 years old in January. Her hormones are kicking in and she is finding it difficult to settle at night. Initially, she was anxious at bedtime because she was preparing for a new school year and worried about her potential teachers, wondering if she would have any of her friends in her class. Once the semester started and she realized she liked her teachers and was surrounded by friends, I fully expected the anxiety to subside. It didn't. She asked me to sleep in her room. She started coming to my room during the night, her heart racing, wanting to join us. This doesn't work as my husband snores very loudly. My daughter was complaining about the noise, my husband was annoyed by her presence in our bed because she moves around a lot and hogs the blanket, I was tired and stuck in the middle.
Something had to be done. I feared going to our family doctor. I don't want her to be medicated at this age, before her brain has fully developed and her hormones have stabilized. When I took my youngest in for ear infections year ago, I provided lots of information, I was looking for an explanation. Why does she suddenly get ear infections. She never did before. The doctor prescribed antibiotics. My daughter would be ok for a few months then the ear infections would return. I later found out that there was mould in her classroom. She never had another ear infection again. If I had known that, we could have avoided repeatedly exposing her to antibiotics that year.
I reached out for help to alleviate my eldest daughter's anxiety. I called various professionals who failed to reply to my e-mails or voice mails. I felt quite alone and frustrated, not to mention tired. Then, I received a reply from the local naturopath. He couldn't see us for another week but, as we chatted over the phone, he said he would start with homeopathy then nutrition and supplements to see how this affected her anxiety. I was sleeping on a floppy, tiny mattress on the floor next to her bed by this time so, waiting another week felt like torture.
I visited the local health food store and asked to be directed to the homeopathic remedies. I explained that this would be for my daughter. We spent some time talking about the expression of her symptoms. This is crucial in homeopathy. Every product is designed to address a specific set of symptoms. It is thought that if someone without the symptoms took the treatment they would develop the very ailment that the medicine was trying to treat. However, if you do have those symptoms, the treatment will neutralize them. Since my daughter's anxiety happens at night, we discussed medication for people who can't sleep. However, she doesn't struggle with sleep once she is asleep. She is just too anxious to relax sufficiently to get to sleep. Therefore, the core symptom was her anxiety. We examined the source of her anxiety. She was worried that something bad would happen if she was left alone, in the dark. It was more like separation anxiety.
I chose Worry and Fear drops for kids by Orange Naturals. The first night, my daughter spit out the drops. She said they tasted like vomit. The next day, are with a container of apple juice mixed with water, we tried again. She didn't spit it out. I increased the dosage to the recommended three times/day over the weekend. By day 3, we could see a difference. She no longer clung to me at night as we prepared for bed. She was able to stay alone in her room while I tucked her sister in across the hall. She even fell asleep before I showed up to read her a story on the fourth night.
By the time, I reached this point, trying homeopathy, I had tried using a diffuser, a himalayan rock lamp, back massage, meditation, stretching, progressive relaxation, guided visualization and acupuncture. I should mention that she hated acupuncture but I do think it helped. It's just hard to go for follow-up treatments when your child is adamant that she "will never do this again".
We started the drops three weeks ago. She is much calmer at night. She comes out more often with her. She used to always want to stay home. My daughters are playing together more because my eldest has the energy to play again. She used to be too tired from not sleeping. I wanted to learn more about homeopathy. I did some research online and most of what I found discredited homeopathy as foolish and ineffective. It was described as the equivalent of a placebo. I was very disappointed by the lack of scientific data to back it up as a treatment. As I read about the founder of homeopathy and his followers, I recalled another time in my life that I had used homeopathic medicine. I didn't even realize I was doing it.
When my daughter was teething, the Advil didn't soothe her and the Orajel only made her gag. What helped every time was a product called Camilia by Boiron. I am not sure how I found this product but it helped my family out through the teething years. Its effect was instant. It was easy to administer and my daughter often enjoyed chewing on the empty container. I have recommended it to moms and even shared it with some of my husband's clients over the years. It turns out, this is also a homeopathic product.
I am sharing this with you because homeopathy has worked for my daughter, twice. If you are a parent, looking to support your child and you are reading about homeopathy, you might decide that it's hocus pocus. You may move on. I want to share my experiences with parents so they will give homeopathy a chance. Being a parent is hard. We make difficult choices every day and, most of us doubt our decisions. We fear making the wrong decision, making things worst. I am not a doctor or a naturopath and I certainly don't sell these products. All I can say is they worked for us. I hope, should you need them, that they'll work for you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
There are so many grey areas in health care, services that may work but you'll never hear about them from your health care provider. Many people are turning to naturopaths to explore other options. The problem with that is not everyone can afford to pay for their doctor's appointments or the supplements or health products that are recommended. As an art therapist, I know that many people who could benefit from my services choose to see a psychiatrist because they can't afford to pay for my services and their work insurance plan doesn't cover it.
Recently, I was trying to help my daughter. She will be 11 years old in January. Her hormones are kicking in and she is finding it difficult to settle at night. Initially, she was anxious at bedtime because she was preparing for a new school year and worried about her potential teachers, wondering if she would have any of her friends in her class. Once the semester started and she realized she liked her teachers and was surrounded by friends, I fully expected the anxiety to subside. It didn't. She asked me to sleep in her room. She started coming to my room during the night, her heart racing, wanting to join us. This doesn't work as my husband snores very loudly. My daughter was complaining about the noise, my husband was annoyed by her presence in our bed because she moves around a lot and hogs the blanket, I was tired and stuck in the middle.
Something had to be done. I feared going to our family doctor. I don't want her to be medicated at this age, before her brain has fully developed and her hormones have stabilized. When I took my youngest in for ear infections year ago, I provided lots of information, I was looking for an explanation. Why does she suddenly get ear infections. She never did before. The doctor prescribed antibiotics. My daughter would be ok for a few months then the ear infections would return. I later found out that there was mould in her classroom. She never had another ear infection again. If I had known that, we could have avoided repeatedly exposing her to antibiotics that year.
I reached out for help to alleviate my eldest daughter's anxiety. I called various professionals who failed to reply to my e-mails or voice mails. I felt quite alone and frustrated, not to mention tired. Then, I received a reply from the local naturopath. He couldn't see us for another week but, as we chatted over the phone, he said he would start with homeopathy then nutrition and supplements to see how this affected her anxiety. I was sleeping on a floppy, tiny mattress on the floor next to her bed by this time so, waiting another week felt like torture.
I visited the local health food store and asked to be directed to the homeopathic remedies. I explained that this would be for my daughter. We spent some time talking about the expression of her symptoms. This is crucial in homeopathy. Every product is designed to address a specific set of symptoms. It is thought that if someone without the symptoms took the treatment they would develop the very ailment that the medicine was trying to treat. However, if you do have those symptoms, the treatment will neutralize them. Since my daughter's anxiety happens at night, we discussed medication for people who can't sleep. However, she doesn't struggle with sleep once she is asleep. She is just too anxious to relax sufficiently to get to sleep. Therefore, the core symptom was her anxiety. We examined the source of her anxiety. She was worried that something bad would happen if she was left alone, in the dark. It was more like separation anxiety.
I chose Worry and Fear drops for kids by Orange Naturals. The first night, my daughter spit out the drops. She said they tasted like vomit. The next day, are with a container of apple juice mixed with water, we tried again. She didn't spit it out. I increased the dosage to the recommended three times/day over the weekend. By day 3, we could see a difference. She no longer clung to me at night as we prepared for bed. She was able to stay alone in her room while I tucked her sister in across the hall. She even fell asleep before I showed up to read her a story on the fourth night.
By the time, I reached this point, trying homeopathy, I had tried using a diffuser, a himalayan rock lamp, back massage, meditation, stretching, progressive relaxation, guided visualization and acupuncture. I should mention that she hated acupuncture but I do think it helped. It's just hard to go for follow-up treatments when your child is adamant that she "will never do this again".
We started the drops three weeks ago. She is much calmer at night. She comes out more often with her. She used to always want to stay home. My daughters are playing together more because my eldest has the energy to play again. She used to be too tired from not sleeping. I wanted to learn more about homeopathy. I did some research online and most of what I found discredited homeopathy as foolish and ineffective. It was described as the equivalent of a placebo. I was very disappointed by the lack of scientific data to back it up as a treatment. As I read about the founder of homeopathy and his followers, I recalled another time in my life that I had used homeopathic medicine. I didn't even realize I was doing it.
When my daughter was teething, the Advil didn't soothe her and the Orajel only made her gag. What helped every time was a product called Camilia by Boiron. I am not sure how I found this product but it helped my family out through the teething years. Its effect was instant. It was easy to administer and my daughter often enjoyed chewing on the empty container. I have recommended it to moms and even shared it with some of my husband's clients over the years. It turns out, this is also a homeopathic product.
I am sharing this with you because homeopathy has worked for my daughter, twice. If you are a parent, looking to support your child and you are reading about homeopathy, you might decide that it's hocus pocus. You may move on. I want to share my experiences with parents so they will give homeopathy a chance. Being a parent is hard. We make difficult choices every day and, most of us doubt our decisions. We fear making the wrong decision, making things worst. I am not a doctor or a naturopath and I certainly don't sell these products. All I can say is they worked for us. I hope, should you need them, that they'll work for you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 9 June 2016
The Mommy Monologues?
June 9th, 2016
Yesterday, I went to Juice 97.5FM for an interview with Diana Fisher. We were promoting the book launch for my second children's book, The Story of Poobum and Pompom. This morning, I got to listen to the interview before I drove to the grocery store. I was proud of my interview because it gave me the opportunity to share the inspiration for the book, my own experience with my eldest daughter, Molly, when my youngest, Stella, was born. My intention in writing the book was to help other parents through this transition. It was such a challenging time for us as a family.
As I drove to the store, thinking about my life seven years ago and how far we have come, a title popped into my head, The Mommy Monologues. I remember when the Vagina Monologues just hit the stage. It was so controversial, women talking about their vaginas. Each vagina story revealed a different aspect of women- their femininity, sexuality, vulnerability, creativity and power. I was struck by how women struggle these days in their roles as mothers. Times have changed, women are liberated, they have so many choices-have a child, don't have a child, get married, don't get married, take maternity leave or return to work, work from home or work outside the home (just to name a few). You would think that would empower women but there is so much variety in the way we mother as well as judgment among moms.
Women may feel guilty if they wish to return to work soon after having their child. They may feel pressured to take the year off because they can. Others may want to stay home longer but need to return to work for financial reasons. The way we parent can be very different, the level of involvement, emotional availability and sharing, discipline, values, spiritual education of children etc. We have all these options but considerably less support during those important years of adjustment to our new role.
Becoming a parent changes you and it certainly impacts your relationship with your partner. We need more support as women in our important role as mothers. We also need more diversity in our stories and portrayals of mothers-working moms, stay-at-home moms, mothers with mental illnesses, mothers struggling with addictions or suffering through physical, emotional, sexual abuse, incarcerated mothers, mothers on welfare, moms with cancer, lesbian moms, adoptive moms, surrogate moms, step-moms, moms who never got to take their babies home-man there is so much richness just waiting to be harvested!
Wouldn't it be cool to have the Mommy Monologues, a play where a wide range of mothers get to share their story, something that will speak to each mother in the audience regardless of who she is and what she is going through, an experience that would breed compassion for every type of mom, celebrate our resilience and help others understand what mothering is like when your life is in a totally different reality.
I just had the title float through my mind today, it will simmer for a while until I can find a way to birth it and share it. This is a very exciting idea and I will savour it-its newness and potential, for just a while longer.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Yesterday, I went to Juice 97.5FM for an interview with Diana Fisher. We were promoting the book launch for my second children's book, The Story of Poobum and Pompom. This morning, I got to listen to the interview before I drove to the grocery store. I was proud of my interview because it gave me the opportunity to share the inspiration for the book, my own experience with my eldest daughter, Molly, when my youngest, Stella, was born. My intention in writing the book was to help other parents through this transition. It was such a challenging time for us as a family.
As I drove to the store, thinking about my life seven years ago and how far we have come, a title popped into my head, The Mommy Monologues. I remember when the Vagina Monologues just hit the stage. It was so controversial, women talking about their vaginas. Each vagina story revealed a different aspect of women- their femininity, sexuality, vulnerability, creativity and power. I was struck by how women struggle these days in their roles as mothers. Times have changed, women are liberated, they have so many choices-have a child, don't have a child, get married, don't get married, take maternity leave or return to work, work from home or work outside the home (just to name a few). You would think that would empower women but there is so much variety in the way we mother as well as judgment among moms.
Women may feel guilty if they wish to return to work soon after having their child. They may feel pressured to take the year off because they can. Others may want to stay home longer but need to return to work for financial reasons. The way we parent can be very different, the level of involvement, emotional availability and sharing, discipline, values, spiritual education of children etc. We have all these options but considerably less support during those important years of adjustment to our new role.
Becoming a parent changes you and it certainly impacts your relationship with your partner. We need more support as women in our important role as mothers. We also need more diversity in our stories and portrayals of mothers-working moms, stay-at-home moms, mothers with mental illnesses, mothers struggling with addictions or suffering through physical, emotional, sexual abuse, incarcerated mothers, mothers on welfare, moms with cancer, lesbian moms, adoptive moms, surrogate moms, step-moms, moms who never got to take their babies home-man there is so much richness just waiting to be harvested!
Wouldn't it be cool to have the Mommy Monologues, a play where a wide range of mothers get to share their story, something that will speak to each mother in the audience regardless of who she is and what she is going through, an experience that would breed compassion for every type of mom, celebrate our resilience and help others understand what mothering is like when your life is in a totally different reality.
I just had the title float through my mind today, it will simmer for a while until I can find a way to birth it and share it. This is a very exciting idea and I will savour it-its newness and potential, for just a while longer.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 27 May 2016
Hygiene
May 27th, 2016
This morning I had the same argument with my ten year old that we have been having for months now. She stood in the shower drawing on the glass door with her index finger. I asked her if she had started washing herself yet, she hadn't. Her seven year old sister waited patiently wearing her shower cap. My eldest informed me that she would not be washing herself.
Apparently, I am the only parent who requires that her children shower every day. My eldest assures me that her friends wash once a week. I said that was disgusting. My daughter responded that it was normal and I was unreasonable. Later, I spoke to some friends with children in grade 4. They are having similar battles with their sons and daughters. Grade 4 and 5 teachers are very familiar with the stink of a classroom filled with pre-pubescent children.
It's almost as if they are not aware of their smell yet. Their hormones are kicking in, armpits are sweaty, sneakers are smelly but the pre-teen remains unconcerned. Ironically, once my daughter starts liking boys, I won't be able to get her out of the shower but, for now, it is a battle.
We compared our approaches: "You stink, go wash yourself"! Or "As your mother, it's part of my responsibilities to ensure you wash yourself" or "Don't do it because you want to, do it for your friends who will be spending time with you" or "This is your body, you need to feed it, wash it, exercise it, it's part of self-care". None of us have been successful.
I spoke to my husband about it. His suggestion was: "Let her stink, her friends will tell her she smells and she'll start washing". I can remember my mother asking to speak to me before I went out to play with my friends. I was probably ten years old. She washed my pits and rubbed deodorant on them. I clearly recall how shocked I was. I didn't notice a smell, I thought I was fine. This seemed completely unnecessary. Now I am the Mom and I can't imagine my daughter can't smell her pits or feet.
This is just one more phase of her development to navigate. Speaking to other parents is helpful, it normalizes this experience. Remembering my own pre-teen years is reassuring. I have excellent hygiene now so I know she will be fine in a few years.
Hang in there parents of pre-teens, this too shall pass.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This morning I had the same argument with my ten year old that we have been having for months now. She stood in the shower drawing on the glass door with her index finger. I asked her if she had started washing herself yet, she hadn't. Her seven year old sister waited patiently wearing her shower cap. My eldest informed me that she would not be washing herself.
Apparently, I am the only parent who requires that her children shower every day. My eldest assures me that her friends wash once a week. I said that was disgusting. My daughter responded that it was normal and I was unreasonable. Later, I spoke to some friends with children in grade 4. They are having similar battles with their sons and daughters. Grade 4 and 5 teachers are very familiar with the stink of a classroom filled with pre-pubescent children.
It's almost as if they are not aware of their smell yet. Their hormones are kicking in, armpits are sweaty, sneakers are smelly but the pre-teen remains unconcerned. Ironically, once my daughter starts liking boys, I won't be able to get her out of the shower but, for now, it is a battle.
We compared our approaches: "You stink, go wash yourself"! Or "As your mother, it's part of my responsibilities to ensure you wash yourself" or "Don't do it because you want to, do it for your friends who will be spending time with you" or "This is your body, you need to feed it, wash it, exercise it, it's part of self-care". None of us have been successful.
I spoke to my husband about it. His suggestion was: "Let her stink, her friends will tell her she smells and she'll start washing". I can remember my mother asking to speak to me before I went out to play with my friends. I was probably ten years old. She washed my pits and rubbed deodorant on them. I clearly recall how shocked I was. I didn't notice a smell, I thought I was fine. This seemed completely unnecessary. Now I am the Mom and I can't imagine my daughter can't smell her pits or feet.
This is just one more phase of her development to navigate. Speaking to other parents is helpful, it normalizes this experience. Remembering my own pre-teen years is reassuring. I have excellent hygiene now so I know she will be fine in a few years.
Hang in there parents of pre-teens, this too shall pass.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 18 March 2016
Claire Charron
March 18th, 2016
Today is a special day, my mother, Claire Charron, was born 67 years ago today. I will be visiting her with my daughters. We'll bring her back to our home and spend the weekend together. When I was young, I loved my mother because she was my mom. Eventually, I heard about the hardships she had faced when she had me and was pressured to abort me. Needless to say, she chose to keep me but her family and friends rejected her. She faced many years alone, shamed for having a dark child and for being a single mom.
She worked hard to provide a home and to fill our bellies every day. I often tease her about her culinary adventures. We ate Spam, Click, Cam, and mac n cheese without the cheese (she only used a sprinkling of cheese which made it sooo gross). Once in a while, when she was feeling rich, she would buy balony and fry it in a pan, she served it with melted, fried cheddar and a can of corn. It was a gastronomical leap forward and I would dance for joy!
Now that I am older, I love my mom because I recognize that she is a compassionate human being. She doesn't judge people. When I hung out with punk rockers with black, spiked hair and piercings, she treated them with the same respect as anyone else. I watched her working at the reception of a long term care facility. She listened to the stories of the many lonely residents who came to visit her even though she had lots of work to do with multiple deadlines. When she walked away from her desk to deliver important papers to managers, I saw her kneel next to every resident who wanted to talk to her so she could be at eye level with them. She eventually obtained a degree in palliative care and she currently volunteers at Montfort Hospital, sitting with residents who are anxious or lonely. She supports families who are grieving as well.
As a mother, I have a new respect for the challenges she must have faced when she was alone and unprepared for the responsibilities of parenthood. She worked hard and gave me what she could. We went through many experiences together. What I love about my mother is that she loves unconditionally. When I wanted to move to Montreal for my studies, she was very sad. She loved having me with her. However, she encouraged me to go for it. Whenever I make a decision, she supports me and dosent not try to give me advice. As I raise my children, I am sure she doesn't always agree with my approach but she keeps it to herself. She lets me carve out my own path, follow my gut and parent as I see fit.
In my career, she is the first to celebrate my accomplishments and, when I fail, she is there to hear me vent and pray for me. She visits our children every week, draws with them and listens to their stories. She has their art plastered all over her refrigerator. She logs their funny comments in her journal. She loves reading self-help books and is always learning something new.
Today I celebrate my mom for her simplicity, her sense of humour, her unconditional love and compassion. Hope you have a great day mom! I love you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Today is a special day, my mother, Claire Charron, was born 67 years ago today. I will be visiting her with my daughters. We'll bring her back to our home and spend the weekend together. When I was young, I loved my mother because she was my mom. Eventually, I heard about the hardships she had faced when she had me and was pressured to abort me. Needless to say, she chose to keep me but her family and friends rejected her. She faced many years alone, shamed for having a dark child and for being a single mom.
She worked hard to provide a home and to fill our bellies every day. I often tease her about her culinary adventures. We ate Spam, Click, Cam, and mac n cheese without the cheese (she only used a sprinkling of cheese which made it sooo gross). Once in a while, when she was feeling rich, she would buy balony and fry it in a pan, she served it with melted, fried cheddar and a can of corn. It was a gastronomical leap forward and I would dance for joy!
Now that I am older, I love my mom because I recognize that she is a compassionate human being. She doesn't judge people. When I hung out with punk rockers with black, spiked hair and piercings, she treated them with the same respect as anyone else. I watched her working at the reception of a long term care facility. She listened to the stories of the many lonely residents who came to visit her even though she had lots of work to do with multiple deadlines. When she walked away from her desk to deliver important papers to managers, I saw her kneel next to every resident who wanted to talk to her so she could be at eye level with them. She eventually obtained a degree in palliative care and she currently volunteers at Montfort Hospital, sitting with residents who are anxious or lonely. She supports families who are grieving as well.
As a mother, I have a new respect for the challenges she must have faced when she was alone and unprepared for the responsibilities of parenthood. She worked hard and gave me what she could. We went through many experiences together. What I love about my mother is that she loves unconditionally. When I wanted to move to Montreal for my studies, she was very sad. She loved having me with her. However, she encouraged me to go for it. Whenever I make a decision, she supports me and dosent not try to give me advice. As I raise my children, I am sure she doesn't always agree with my approach but she keeps it to herself. She lets me carve out my own path, follow my gut and parent as I see fit.
In my career, she is the first to celebrate my accomplishments and, when I fail, she is there to hear me vent and pray for me. She visits our children every week, draws with them and listens to their stories. She has their art plastered all over her refrigerator. She logs their funny comments in her journal. She loves reading self-help books and is always learning something new.
Today I celebrate my mom for her simplicity, her sense of humour, her unconditional love and compassion. Hope you have a great day mom! I love you!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 13 March 2016
Night Talks
March 13th, 2016
Every night, my girls want to talk before bed. I used to read stories to them then, we started to make up our own stories, now we have graduated to talking about life. My eldest usually initiates this: "Can we just talk, Mom?" What I find interesting is that I am around throughout the day on weekends, trying to connect with them. This can be difficult at times because they want to do different activities and they each want me to choose their activity. I have to bargain, promising to draw with my eldest then play dolls with my youngest. During the day, they seem so mature. I get a few eye rolls or they resist what I am asking them to do. "Brush my teeth? Why? I'm not going out today?" When night comes around, they want to cuddle and talk. I love it!
They talk about school. I find out who they play with at recess, those friends are sometimes different from the ones who come over for playdates. They tell me their stories about who they "broke up" with and why. They hint at some girls who are mean to them. They ask questions they may not ask during the day when we can see each other's faces.
They confess their fears and share their dreams. My eldest is trying to decide how famous she wants to be. She hates the thought of papparazzi being in her face with their cameras but she is determined to become a superstar. She once described her entire tour schedule. Apparently, her entire tour ends in Brazil. We have never been to Brazil or even talked about Brazil but she studied her map of the world and chose a variety of locations to ensure she spreads herself evenly around the globe. Both my daughters don't want to have children because they don't want their bellies to look like mine :). My eldest wants to get married, my youngest isn't interested in marriage. They both swear they will never move away. They want to stay in their room at the house for the rest of their lives.
I enjoy these conversations because I get to convey my values without preaching, just by responding to their questions and stories. Sometimes I tell them about a mistake I made when I was little and what happened as a consequence. Lately, I've been trying to introduce them to music. On Friday, as we were celebrating the start of March Break, I wanted to share Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd. They were not interested in hearing my "old, boring" music. My husband tries to tell them about David Bowie and the Beatles (more eye rolling from the girls). At least, my eldest is hooked on Michael Jackson. I was a huge fan of his when I was her age. One night, we watched a bunch of his videos, singing and dancing along as a family and she was hooked. Now she imitates him, as I used to do at her age, she has a poster of him in her room and she wishes she could have met him when he was alive.
I am happy and proud to have our night talks. Right now the girls fight to spend time with me but, one day, soon enough, they will be teenagers and they will be harder to reach. I hope our talks create a ritual that maintains the lines of communication open for when we need it the most.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Every night, my girls want to talk before bed. I used to read stories to them then, we started to make up our own stories, now we have graduated to talking about life. My eldest usually initiates this: "Can we just talk, Mom?" What I find interesting is that I am around throughout the day on weekends, trying to connect with them. This can be difficult at times because they want to do different activities and they each want me to choose their activity. I have to bargain, promising to draw with my eldest then play dolls with my youngest. During the day, they seem so mature. I get a few eye rolls or they resist what I am asking them to do. "Brush my teeth? Why? I'm not going out today?" When night comes around, they want to cuddle and talk. I love it!
They talk about school. I find out who they play with at recess, those friends are sometimes different from the ones who come over for playdates. They tell me their stories about who they "broke up" with and why. They hint at some girls who are mean to them. They ask questions they may not ask during the day when we can see each other's faces.
They confess their fears and share their dreams. My eldest is trying to decide how famous she wants to be. She hates the thought of papparazzi being in her face with their cameras but she is determined to become a superstar. She once described her entire tour schedule. Apparently, her entire tour ends in Brazil. We have never been to Brazil or even talked about Brazil but she studied her map of the world and chose a variety of locations to ensure she spreads herself evenly around the globe. Both my daughters don't want to have children because they don't want their bellies to look like mine :). My eldest wants to get married, my youngest isn't interested in marriage. They both swear they will never move away. They want to stay in their room at the house for the rest of their lives.
I enjoy these conversations because I get to convey my values without preaching, just by responding to their questions and stories. Sometimes I tell them about a mistake I made when I was little and what happened as a consequence. Lately, I've been trying to introduce them to music. On Friday, as we were celebrating the start of March Break, I wanted to share Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd. They were not interested in hearing my "old, boring" music. My husband tries to tell them about David Bowie and the Beatles (more eye rolling from the girls). At least, my eldest is hooked on Michael Jackson. I was a huge fan of his when I was her age. One night, we watched a bunch of his videos, singing and dancing along as a family and she was hooked. Now she imitates him, as I used to do at her age, she has a poster of him in her room and she wishes she could have met him when he was alive.
I am happy and proud to have our night talks. Right now the girls fight to spend time with me but, one day, soon enough, they will be teenagers and they will be harder to reach. I hope our talks create a ritual that maintains the lines of communication open for when we need it the most.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Adrenal Fatigue
February 26th, 2016
Stop for a moment and think about the people in your life: your partner, siblings, friends and colleagues. How many of them have endless energy and a zest for life? Our lives are fast-paced, hectic and packed with responsibilities. The advent of technology was meant to simplify things for us yet we try to perform as if we, ourselves, were machines.
As a mother, spouse, art therapist, and middle-aged woman, I find that I often run out of steam. As I talk to other parents, I see that I am not alone. Parenthood seems to be synonymous with exhaustion. When my daughters were younger, I would meet my "mommy friends" for coffee. We drank excessive amounts of caffeine to keep us going. We talked about our sleep deprivation, the endless, thankless chores of laundry and cooking, the pros and cons of breastfeeding, the challenge of balancing our career and parental duties, our lack of support and energy.
It never occurred to me that motherhood and exhaustion did not go hand in hand. It was so common that it didn't seem abnormal. Women are not the best at self-care. We make nutritious meals for our family and eat the leftovers while standing at the kitchen counter. We stay up late folding laundry while our loved ones sleep only to be woken up way too early by the pitter patter of little feet.
"Of course I'm drained, aren't you?" we ask.
It's the same for men working 8-10 hours each day, coming home to play with the children while their wife prepares supper, running errands and performing maintenance duties on the weekends. Caregivers looking after a loved one with special needs or a chronic illness can also relate. Ditto for the "Sandwich Generation", supporting adult children while caring for aging parents. There are so many examples of people getting worn out by spreading themselves too thin.
Obviously, getting rest and achieving better balance between work and play are ideal solutions to this issue but there are times when you need more support. I recently learned about a condition that I believe goes undetected way too often. Adrenal Fatigue is what happens when you are under stress for prolonged periods of time. Our body is equipped with an emergency system. When we are stressed, we release cortisol and choose between "fight or flight". This process is instrumental to our survival during emergency situations. However, when we constantly trigger this system in response to everyday stress, our adrenal glands become depleted. Adrenal Fatigue is characterized by fatigue that doesn't get better with sleep, becoming overly dependent on caffeine or energy drinks to keep going, retaining body fat (especially on the tummy), craving sweets or carbohydrates and, feeling overwhelmed. Sound like anyone you know?
I am not a physician or even a nurse but I am writing about this because I had never heard of adrenal fatigue. As I read the symptoms I recognized so many people. I know individuals who eat well, try to get their sleep, are working on creating more balance in their life yet they still can't stop feeling tired and overwhelmed. What if supporting their adrenal glands could help them restore their energy and feel like themselves again?
Testing for adrenal fatigue is simple enough. You can test your levels through blood or saliva tests. Treatment involves an adrenal support supplement or acupuncture. The goal of treatment is to restore the healthy function of your adrenal glands. If you think you might be experiencing adrenal fatigue, speak to your family physician or naturopathic doctor. With so much to gain, what have you got to lose?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Stop for a moment and think about the people in your life: your partner, siblings, friends and colleagues. How many of them have endless energy and a zest for life? Our lives are fast-paced, hectic and packed with responsibilities. The advent of technology was meant to simplify things for us yet we try to perform as if we, ourselves, were machines.
As a mother, spouse, art therapist, and middle-aged woman, I find that I often run out of steam. As I talk to other parents, I see that I am not alone. Parenthood seems to be synonymous with exhaustion. When my daughters were younger, I would meet my "mommy friends" for coffee. We drank excessive amounts of caffeine to keep us going. We talked about our sleep deprivation, the endless, thankless chores of laundry and cooking, the pros and cons of breastfeeding, the challenge of balancing our career and parental duties, our lack of support and energy.
It never occurred to me that motherhood and exhaustion did not go hand in hand. It was so common that it didn't seem abnormal. Women are not the best at self-care. We make nutritious meals for our family and eat the leftovers while standing at the kitchen counter. We stay up late folding laundry while our loved ones sleep only to be woken up way too early by the pitter patter of little feet.
"Of course I'm drained, aren't you?" we ask.
It's the same for men working 8-10 hours each day, coming home to play with the children while their wife prepares supper, running errands and performing maintenance duties on the weekends. Caregivers looking after a loved one with special needs or a chronic illness can also relate. Ditto for the "Sandwich Generation", supporting adult children while caring for aging parents. There are so many examples of people getting worn out by spreading themselves too thin.
Obviously, getting rest and achieving better balance between work and play are ideal solutions to this issue but there are times when you need more support. I recently learned about a condition that I believe goes undetected way too often. Adrenal Fatigue is what happens when you are under stress for prolonged periods of time. Our body is equipped with an emergency system. When we are stressed, we release cortisol and choose between "fight or flight". This process is instrumental to our survival during emergency situations. However, when we constantly trigger this system in response to everyday stress, our adrenal glands become depleted. Adrenal Fatigue is characterized by fatigue that doesn't get better with sleep, becoming overly dependent on caffeine or energy drinks to keep going, retaining body fat (especially on the tummy), craving sweets or carbohydrates and, feeling overwhelmed. Sound like anyone you know?
I am not a physician or even a nurse but I am writing about this because I had never heard of adrenal fatigue. As I read the symptoms I recognized so many people. I know individuals who eat well, try to get their sleep, are working on creating more balance in their life yet they still can't stop feeling tired and overwhelmed. What if supporting their adrenal glands could help them restore their energy and feel like themselves again?
Testing for adrenal fatigue is simple enough. You can test your levels through blood or saliva tests. Treatment involves an adrenal support supplement or acupuncture. The goal of treatment is to restore the healthy function of your adrenal glands. If you think you might be experiencing adrenal fatigue, speak to your family physician or naturopathic doctor. With so much to gain, what have you got to lose?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Book of the Week: Girls on the Edge-Part 2
February 18th, 2016
Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.
In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.
In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.
The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Girls on the Edge is truly an extraordinary book. I wrote about the first half of the book last week where the author, Leonard Sax, describes the challenges faced by today's teenage girls. In the second part of the book, we look at how parents can help their daughters develop into healthy, well-adjusted women. There are three chapters, each devoted to the development of a different aspect of girls: mind, body and spirit. I have learned so much as a parent and as a woman.
In the chapter on the development of our daughters' minds, Dr. Sax warns us that we are rushing our children to learn too much, too quickly. He refers to the classic music we play while our baby is in utero and the flash cards so children are ready for kindergarten. He makes a compelling case for postponing formal education. He suggests that we spend more time with children outdoor, learning through hands-on experiences rather than from reading about life in books. He believes that pushing children to learn in a formal setting before the age of seven is detrimental. They are not developmentally ready to sit still and listen for hours and they start to associate school and learning as a boring chore. He quotes research that demonstrates that children who are taught formally too early, learn in order to please others and are less likely to learn actively or read for fun. His tips for parents, other than postponing their schooling and exploring the real world outdoor is to buy simple toys that stimulate the imagination and force children to interact with their environment (nothing with button or a screen), think "dump trunk". When your seven year old is ready for school, you are encouraged to look for schools with lots of unstructured time, outdoor learning and physical activity that promote curiosity and creativity. The author then explains the importance of all-girls schools especially once they reach puberty because the way girls learn is different than the way boys learn. Also, girls do better academically in an all-girls environment because they are not distracted by the presence of boys. Research found that girls in all-girls schools based their self-esteem on the way they act more than on the way they look. This doesn't mean boys and girls never see each other. The schools can organize opportunities for both genders to mingle without any pressure so they learn to work together and interact. One of the most important elements of an all-girls school is to have teachers who really care about the students and make time to get to know them personally. There can even be a "tattle box" where girls can write a note to the teacher. A second box can also be available for "secret compliments" if someone wants to compliment another student. Bullying among girls is dealt with from day one. There is a discussion about rules, a contract is typed up and all students sign it. The contract is displayed in the class and if anyone breaks one of the rules, an appropriate consequence is enforced. Having caring teachers who are trained to present curriculum in a way that engages girls, helps them enjoy learning and develop their minds.
In the chapter on the development of the body, we learn about some of the factors that create a belief that boys are better at sports and keeps girls from participating in physical education and sports. Again, boys and girls are different, boys are better at "targeting moving objects in space", girls are better "at tasks that require balance". Most of the games played in school (soccer, volleyball, basketball), promote the boys' skill set, not the girls'. Another factor is that boys overestimate their skills at sports and boast about them. Girls are more realistic therefore, they believe the boys when they brag about their competence. More girls play sports but most coaches are men. This is a third factor that promotes the belief that sports are more for boys because the experts are men. Once again, the approach for girls and boys differ. Girls may not be as concerned about winning. They may prefer to learn and develop their skills. If a male coach is very competitive, doesn't play a girl because he wants to win or prefers another player because she is more competitive, chances are, the girl will stop enjoying the sport and may stop playing. Girls are also at a higher risk of injury because her muscles are not developed the same way as the boys. If the coach is unaware of this and does identical warm-ups for both genders, the girls may end up with an injury. It's best for girls to play a variety of sports so they are not always using the same muscles. Concussions don't meet the same criteria in girls as they do in boys therefore girls can have a concussion and go undiagnosed. As a parent, it's important to choose physical activities our daughters like. If she doesn't like team sports, she may prefer yoga, martial arts or kayaking. It's important to keep her active but equally crucial to ensure she is enjoying the activity. Again, having all-girls physical education is better for girls after puberty. Otherwise, they are less likely to play against boys. When they do play in a co-ed class they are less likely to show off their skills and more inclined to sit and watch.
The third chapter about spirit was my favourite. Many people from our generation have moved away from organized religion so when teen girls explore religion and spirituality, we may feel anxious or out of our depth. However, it's normal for girls to start asking questions as they reach puberty about what they believe, why they are here and, what they are doing with their life. Parents have the biggest influence in helping girls find the answers to those questions. Simultaneously, a girl's sexuality is awakening. If she doesn't find her way spiritually, she may turn to sexuality. This leads to disappointment as girls pursue the wrong guy or get too invested in early relationships giving away their control to boys. Spiritually, they need to balance their feminine and masculine energy and decide how to express these aspects of themselves. This process is important but we are busy convincing them and ourselves that there is no difference, we are all the same, so they don't get the guidance they need to find the perfect blend that is unique to them. Instead, they are exposed to media images of what is feminine and masculine which are superficial. If they turn their back on spirituality and dive into sexuality at an early age, they realize that it can not fill them up at the core. They still feel empty. They haven't learned to become a woman. The author lists so many benefits for girls who belong to a religious or spiritual group, I will not list them all but there are numerous advantages. One major bonus of these groups is that girls spend time with multiple generations of women and feel like they belong to a community. We have an important role to play in developing our daughters' spirituality. This can involve praying together, attending services, meditating or communing with nature. Developing a girl's spirit will help her get through difficult times and provide a sense of purpose for her life. Having some time to be quiet, to discuss her beliefs and yours, to be grateful and to feel connected to something greater will help her develop her spirit. Girls need a community of women of various ages to show them what it means to be a woman. They need to see these women regularly. Teenagers these days have more knowledge than they need but it's only in communities of women that they can learn the wisdom that is essential to become their own woman.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Date Night
January 31st
Just over ten years ago, Vincent and I became parents. Our youngest daughter's Godparents, the Braidecs, were at my husband's shop. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I can't remember which anniversary it was but they have been together a long time, with two happy, successful, adult children. I asked them for the secret to a long marriage. I was expecting something like communication, compassion, humour etc, the usuals. They said they always made a point of having a date, once a week. This can be challenging when the children are young but it's important.
To this day, Vincent and I have our date night every week. I truly do believe it has helped us stay connected through the tough times. When you have children, you form a triangle and, although you can all interact as a family, the focus of both parents is usually directed to the child. When you try to communicate as a couple, within the home, you can be interrupted so many times you never finish any of the topics. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication and alienation.
Also, because it's easy to get sucked into a routine where each partner has a role, unless a couple gets out of the house without children on a regular basis, when they finally end up alone together, they may no longer know how to connect. They suddenly feel like strangers and have nothing to say. Our dates allowed us to stay romantic. I would dress up every week. The girls loved watching me get changed out of my "mommy" clothes. They always suggested which dress to wear. It shows them what it's like to care for someone and want special time with them. They saw us as a united couple who went out and had fun together.
During our date nights, we could have fun, laugh about whatever had happened during the week or just enjoy each other's company the way we did before we became parents. Sometimes, when we were stressed and overwhelmed by our responsibilities, we might take each other for granted and communicate in gruff ways throughout the week. It was nice to go out and realize we were ok. Taken away from the context of "duties", our pace would resume and we could see beyond the stress of the week.
On a few occasions, we vented our frustrations in the car on the way to the restaurant. We could get everything out without worrying that the children could hear. We might stay in the car longer than anticipated but, in the end, we had cleared the air and we were able to progress. Going out regularly means you don't forget what it's like to enjoy being your spouse's partner. We have had amazing conversations in the car and at the restaurant. We are able to talk about what is happening in our life, what we have learned, what our goals are for the future etc.
Even though there were weeks that the girls begged me to stay home with them when they were younger, they now look forward to our date night because they love their babysitter, Lauren. When they were very young, our date may be the only outing I got all week. It felt good to dress up and enjoy my supper while it was still warm, to feel like a woman. We became regulars in some restaurants and developed friendships with wait staff, managers and restaurant owners. It was fun to get out, socialize and have a good laugh.
Our sense of humour has always been a big part of our relationship. Spending time together, relaxing, eating good food, chatting, joking around, holding hands, even kissing on the way to the car, all of it has helped to keep our relationship fresh and fun.
If you have young children and you need to bring some joy back in your life, follow these steps:
1-Make date night a priority.
2-Find reliable, responsible people to babysit. If you have no money to pay for a sitter, see if a friend with children will trade with you so they can go out as well. You could also eat at home after you put the kids to bed so you can talk and have a date alone.
3-You don't need to go somewhere fancy. Tim Hortons and Subway can work just as well as a fancy restaurant. The point is to have time together.
4-Don't use this time to complain, go over the honey-do list or stress out about bills. All of this can be done during the drive there if you absolutely need to discuss it. Once you get to the restaurant, switch to date mode.
5-Dress up for your date so you can feel sexy. Don't forget to notice how good your partner looks.
6-Take the opportunity to hold hands, sit close together and cuddle.
7-Don't invite others to join you unless you have other opportunities to go out together alone.
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Just over ten years ago, Vincent and I became parents. Our youngest daughter's Godparents, the Braidecs, were at my husband's shop. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I can't remember which anniversary it was but they have been together a long time, with two happy, successful, adult children. I asked them for the secret to a long marriage. I was expecting something like communication, compassion, humour etc, the usuals. They said they always made a point of having a date, once a week. This can be challenging when the children are young but it's important.
To this day, Vincent and I have our date night every week. I truly do believe it has helped us stay connected through the tough times. When you have children, you form a triangle and, although you can all interact as a family, the focus of both parents is usually directed to the child. When you try to communicate as a couple, within the home, you can be interrupted so many times you never finish any of the topics. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication and alienation.
Also, because it's easy to get sucked into a routine where each partner has a role, unless a couple gets out of the house without children on a regular basis, when they finally end up alone together, they may no longer know how to connect. They suddenly feel like strangers and have nothing to say. Our dates allowed us to stay romantic. I would dress up every week. The girls loved watching me get changed out of my "mommy" clothes. They always suggested which dress to wear. It shows them what it's like to care for someone and want special time with them. They saw us as a united couple who went out and had fun together.
During our date nights, we could have fun, laugh about whatever had happened during the week or just enjoy each other's company the way we did before we became parents. Sometimes, when we were stressed and overwhelmed by our responsibilities, we might take each other for granted and communicate in gruff ways throughout the week. It was nice to go out and realize we were ok. Taken away from the context of "duties", our pace would resume and we could see beyond the stress of the week.
On a few occasions, we vented our frustrations in the car on the way to the restaurant. We could get everything out without worrying that the children could hear. We might stay in the car longer than anticipated but, in the end, we had cleared the air and we were able to progress. Going out regularly means you don't forget what it's like to enjoy being your spouse's partner. We have had amazing conversations in the car and at the restaurant. We are able to talk about what is happening in our life, what we have learned, what our goals are for the future etc.
Even though there were weeks that the girls begged me to stay home with them when they were younger, they now look forward to our date night because they love their babysitter, Lauren. When they were very young, our date may be the only outing I got all week. It felt good to dress up and enjoy my supper while it was still warm, to feel like a woman. We became regulars in some restaurants and developed friendships with wait staff, managers and restaurant owners. It was fun to get out, socialize and have a good laugh.
Our sense of humour has always been a big part of our relationship. Spending time together, relaxing, eating good food, chatting, joking around, holding hands, even kissing on the way to the car, all of it has helped to keep our relationship fresh and fun.
If you have young children and you need to bring some joy back in your life, follow these steps:
1-Make date night a priority.
2-Find reliable, responsible people to babysit. If you have no money to pay for a sitter, see if a friend with children will trade with you so they can go out as well. You could also eat at home after you put the kids to bed so you can talk and have a date alone.
3-You don't need to go somewhere fancy. Tim Hortons and Subway can work just as well as a fancy restaurant. The point is to have time together.
4-Don't use this time to complain, go over the honey-do list or stress out about bills. All of this can be done during the drive there if you absolutely need to discuss it. Once you get to the restaurant, switch to date mode.
5-Dress up for your date so you can feel sexy. Don't forget to notice how good your partner looks.
6-Take the opportunity to hold hands, sit close together and cuddle.
7-Don't invite others to join you unless you have other opportunities to go out together alone.
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
40+ Woman-LL
January 26th, 2016
Last night, I had an inspiring conversation with a 46 year old professional woman. LL was excited to celebrate her 40th birthday. It was a positive experience for her. She is not frightened by the aging process. She welcomes it with gratitude. She feels happy to be alive. "Aging is the greatest gift ever and we must celebrate every year, wrinkles and all!"
At 46 years of age, LL is much more confident. She is less concerned with what others think. She fearlessly makes decisions because she learns from her mistakes, they become part of her journey. It's easier to move forward if you know you can't go wrong. She wouldn't change anything about her life because she wouldn't be who she is without each of those experiences.
LL divorced her husband of 20 years when she was 43 years old . She moved away with her sons, within the same neighbourhood, so her youngest could stay in the same school. She believes women suddenly make important decisions in their 40s because when they are younger they are too busy to think about their life. There is so much to do: studies, work, marriage, mothering young children etc. When their children have grown, women start asking questions: Is this it? What do I want? What would I like the next portion of my life to look like? Who would I like to spend the rest of my life with? What do I like or hate about my life right now? She believes hormones also play a role in this because she has noticed a link between anxiety and getting her period. Is it possible that not getting one's period is correlated with more confidence and bolder decisions?
LL supervises many younger women. She recognizes that they think very differently from her. Her advice to teenagers or young women is to "listen to that little voice inside, we all have it. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Stop worrying about what others think. Just accept yourself for who you are.
If you want to change something about your life, just do it". LL is a totally different person now
compared to 20 years ago. If she knew back then what she knows now, her journey would have looked very different. She has learned to love and appreciate herself. She pruned her friendships and realized she often treated her friends better than she treated herself. She would never treat her friends as poorly as she has treated herself in the past.
Her legacy is to teach young women to manage their expectations. They want everything now. They put too much pressure on themselves to have the fancy car, the big house and the impressive job title
at work. LL wishes she could help them understand that everything is temporary. It changes the way you approach life if you perceive it as temporary. Otherwise, you get married and think: This is my life or, you have young children and imagine life will always be this way.
LL has a successful career but she measures her success through her children. She is proud of her sons, aged 17 and 22. They are not perfect but they have survived many challenges and have turned out well. LL is going through a transition right now. She is shifting her focus away from her children
who were her main preoccupation for many years. She admits feeling a little guilty as she states that she wants to focus on herself, to put her oxygen mask on first, not in a selfish way but in order to
restore balance in her life. This shift impacts every aspect of her life. She has a wonderful career but she is eager to become a life coach. She believes it's important to stop and assess your life. It helps you decide where to spend your time and energy.
After her divorce, she was so scared of being alone she was physically, violently sick for weeks. Now she doesn't feel the need to be with someone in order to be happy. She'd love to share her life with someone but she no longer feels dependent on anyone else. She has been dating a new man for eight months and, even though her sons are still important to her, she is preparing for the next phase of her life.
She has an extraordinary network of friends who are very supportive of her. She also has a very active lifestyle. This keeps her heathy and energized. She enjoys biking, skiing, swimming, doing
yoga and meditation. The older she gets, the more physical activity she needs. She likes to challenge herself every year. This year, she plans to complete a triathlon.
Now that she is older and wiser, having lost several friends over the years, she recognizes the importance of not putting off to tomorrow what you can do today. When she was younger, she didn't understand why her father took her mother out for a date every Saturday to socialize with friends. She didn't understand why they had to visit her grandparents so often. Now that her father has progressed to the last stages of Alzheimer's and her mother is diagnosed with Parkinson's, she understands a lot. She hopes to eventually use her wisdom to empower other women through her coaching practice.
It has been a pleasure to interview you. Best of luck!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Last night, I had an inspiring conversation with a 46 year old professional woman. LL was excited to celebrate her 40th birthday. It was a positive experience for her. She is not frightened by the aging process. She welcomes it with gratitude. She feels happy to be alive. "Aging is the greatest gift ever and we must celebrate every year, wrinkles and all!"
At 46 years of age, LL is much more confident. She is less concerned with what others think. She fearlessly makes decisions because she learns from her mistakes, they become part of her journey. It's easier to move forward if you know you can't go wrong. She wouldn't change anything about her life because she wouldn't be who she is without each of those experiences.
LL divorced her husband of 20 years when she was 43 years old . She moved away with her sons, within the same neighbourhood, so her youngest could stay in the same school. She believes women suddenly make important decisions in their 40s because when they are younger they are too busy to think about their life. There is so much to do: studies, work, marriage, mothering young children etc. When their children have grown, women start asking questions: Is this it? What do I want? What would I like the next portion of my life to look like? Who would I like to spend the rest of my life with? What do I like or hate about my life right now? She believes hormones also play a role in this because she has noticed a link between anxiety and getting her period. Is it possible that not getting one's period is correlated with more confidence and bolder decisions?
LL supervises many younger women. She recognizes that they think very differently from her. Her advice to teenagers or young women is to "listen to that little voice inside, we all have it. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Stop worrying about what others think. Just accept yourself for who you are.
If you want to change something about your life, just do it". LL is a totally different person now
compared to 20 years ago. If she knew back then what she knows now, her journey would have looked very different. She has learned to love and appreciate herself. She pruned her friendships and realized she often treated her friends better than she treated herself. She would never treat her friends as poorly as she has treated herself in the past.
Her legacy is to teach young women to manage their expectations. They want everything now. They put too much pressure on themselves to have the fancy car, the big house and the impressive job title
at work. LL wishes she could help them understand that everything is temporary. It changes the way you approach life if you perceive it as temporary. Otherwise, you get married and think: This is my life or, you have young children and imagine life will always be this way.
LL has a successful career but she measures her success through her children. She is proud of her sons, aged 17 and 22. They are not perfect but they have survived many challenges and have turned out well. LL is going through a transition right now. She is shifting her focus away from her children
who were her main preoccupation for many years. She admits feeling a little guilty as she states that she wants to focus on herself, to put her oxygen mask on first, not in a selfish way but in order to
restore balance in her life. This shift impacts every aspect of her life. She has a wonderful career but she is eager to become a life coach. She believes it's important to stop and assess your life. It helps you decide where to spend your time and energy.
After her divorce, she was so scared of being alone she was physically, violently sick for weeks. Now she doesn't feel the need to be with someone in order to be happy. She'd love to share her life with someone but she no longer feels dependent on anyone else. She has been dating a new man for eight months and, even though her sons are still important to her, she is preparing for the next phase of her life.
She has an extraordinary network of friends who are very supportive of her. She also has a very active lifestyle. This keeps her heathy and energized. She enjoys biking, skiing, swimming, doing
yoga and meditation. The older she gets, the more physical activity she needs. She likes to challenge herself every year. This year, she plans to complete a triathlon.
Now that she is older and wiser, having lost several friends over the years, she recognizes the importance of not putting off to tomorrow what you can do today. When she was younger, she didn't understand why her father took her mother out for a date every Saturday to socialize with friends. She didn't understand why they had to visit her grandparents so often. Now that her father has progressed to the last stages of Alzheimer's and her mother is diagnosed with Parkinson's, she understands a lot. She hopes to eventually use her wisdom to empower other women through her coaching practice.
It has been a pleasure to interview you. Best of luck!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 14 January 2016
Interview with a 40+ woman-FD
I met with another fascinating woman today. FD was married at 19 years of age and had three
children by the age of 25. She was happy, living in a suburb close to everything. She earned her
own money by operating a home day care and starting a newspaper route. She soon realized
that her husband had very different expectations from hers. He believed that being at home with
the children, cooking and cleaning should make her happy. When she expressed an interest in
taking a creative writing course, her husband objected.
By the time she turned 30, FD was examining her life. She had expected to achieve more by this age and thought she would feel different. FD was fed up with feeling invisible at parties. When people asked her what she did and she replied that she was raising her three children, they moved on to someone else, assuming she had nothing to say. Her husband never beat her but she would sense the tension rising when he was getting upset and she did what she could to appease him. It was all very draining. As the new millennium rolled around, she had a pivotal conversation with a trusted friend. Her friend suggested that she pick one thing she would like to change in the future and set a date. By April 2000, FD had left her husband. This would be her third and final trip to a shelter.
Her husband had accumulated a huge debt and she inherited half of that amount as her "parting gift". She was a single mother of three, penniless and, without an education, she didn't know how she would take care of her family. An opportunity presented itself to move to Asia where she could make good money, live relatively cheap and complete her Publication Degree from Ryerson's online program. Her intention was to be away for one year but her contract was renewed and, she met an Australian man. Her children were taken care of by her mother and ex-husband. She spoke to them every other day but her husband always listened in on their conversations. She visited every four months. She moved back home, three years later, in March 2006, after a messy break up wth the Australian.
Her children needed to get to know her again. As they strengthened their relationship, FD started re-building her life. She met a man who was also re-building his life. They spent a lot of time together with their children, getting to know each other and, eventually, married late in 2007. She turned 40 shortly after her father passed away in 2008. "Turning 40 didn't really phase me", she said. Her 40s have been mostly about adjusting to married life. She learned to let go of her "single mom mentality". FD is finally in a relationship with a man she can rely on, "It's nice to be with someone who cares if you're hungry, cold or tired. You just need to let them take care of you".
FD is most proud of her relationship with her children. "We're friends which is amazing after everything we've been through". The only thing she would change is her trip to Asia. She wishes she didn't go away but, to this day, she can't imagine any other way to get out of debt as fast as she did. Her advice to young women is to "listen to the people who love you. You don't need to reply. What they say has value, take it in, value it, weigh it". At this point in her life she is "trying to focus on the moment, to sit and communicate".
She believes something causes us to look inward in our 40s and adjust our lives accordingly. As FD reviews the lives of the many generations who came before her, she notices that life changes over time but a "gold thread" stays the same. Her legacy will be to teach the next generation that "you are the only one you can depend on, you've got to make your own decisions and, it's ok to make mistakes because there are no mistakes, only learning".
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
By the time she turned 30, FD was examining her life. She had expected to achieve more by this age and thought she would feel different. FD was fed up with feeling invisible at parties. When people asked her what she did and she replied that she was raising her three children, they moved on to someone else, assuming she had nothing to say. Her husband never beat her but she would sense the tension rising when he was getting upset and she did what she could to appease him. It was all very draining. As the new millennium rolled around, she had a pivotal conversation with a trusted friend. Her friend suggested that she pick one thing she would like to change in the future and set a date. By April 2000, FD had left her husband. This would be her third and final trip to a shelter.
Her husband had accumulated a huge debt and she inherited half of that amount as her "parting gift". She was a single mother of three, penniless and, without an education, she didn't know how she would take care of her family. An opportunity presented itself to move to Asia where she could make good money, live relatively cheap and complete her Publication Degree from Ryerson's online program. Her intention was to be away for one year but her contract was renewed and, she met an Australian man. Her children were taken care of by her mother and ex-husband. She spoke to them every other day but her husband always listened in on their conversations. She visited every four months. She moved back home, three years later, in March 2006, after a messy break up wth the Australian.
Her children needed to get to know her again. As they strengthened their relationship, FD started re-building her life. She met a man who was also re-building his life. They spent a lot of time together with their children, getting to know each other and, eventually, married late in 2007. She turned 40 shortly after her father passed away in 2008. "Turning 40 didn't really phase me", she said. Her 40s have been mostly about adjusting to married life. She learned to let go of her "single mom mentality". FD is finally in a relationship with a man she can rely on, "It's nice to be with someone who cares if you're hungry, cold or tired. You just need to let them take care of you".
FD is most proud of her relationship with her children. "We're friends which is amazing after everything we've been through". The only thing she would change is her trip to Asia. She wishes she didn't go away but, to this day, she can't imagine any other way to get out of debt as fast as she did. Her advice to young women is to "listen to the people who love you. You don't need to reply. What they say has value, take it in, value it, weigh it". At this point in her life she is "trying to focus on the moment, to sit and communicate".
She believes something causes us to look inward in our 40s and adjust our lives accordingly. As FD reviews the lives of the many generations who came before her, she notices that life changes over time but a "gold thread" stays the same. Her legacy will be to teach the next generation that "you are the only one you can depend on, you've got to make your own decisions and, it's ok to make mistakes because there are no mistakes, only learning".
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 4 January 2016
Motherhood-Growing Pains
January 4th, 2016
The young lady who once babysat my little ones is now a mother. I see photos of her with her newborn and I can't believe how much time has passed. I loved being pregnant, breastfeeding, walking around with my baby in a sling, humming lullabies (could never remember the words), watching my baby sleep, going out for walks with the stroller, the whole thing.
My favorite age though has to be 18 months. Everything is magical at that age and you get to introduce your little one to all sorts of experiences and watch her reaction. Sitting together, enjoying a picnic at the beach, imagining our yard as a spaceship, kissing booboos, taking our time, examining every flower or insect, I miss those days.
The thing is, while all this was happening, I wondered if I was being a good mom. I questioned my decisions: Should Molly have juice with supper or is the juice spoiling her appetite as our neighbor suggests? Am I a bad mom for bringing the girls to McDonalds once in a while? The other moms are feeding only organic, whole foods to their children. Is it weird that I haven't weaned my daughter yet if the other moms stopped nursing by six months? Why is my one year old not sleeping through the night? The ladies at play group said their baby slept through the night from the time they brought him home from the hospital.
Overall, mothering young children came easily to me and I enjoyed it. As my eldest daughter nears age 10, however, it is becoming clear to me that I need a whole new skill set. One evening, as I was sitting with a young man at the Kemptville Youth Centre during an art therapy workshop, I heard him complain about his mother. She was a great source of frustration to him. I listened to him describe what happened when he got home from school. She was trying to connect with him, asking about his day and offering to fix him a snack. This annoyed him because he just wanted to be left alone. I explained to him that, as parents, we each have our strengths. She was a good nurturer but he needed something different from her now. We explored what he did need from his parents so he could communicate this to them. We discussed how our needs and roles shift throughout the life cycle and how they were currently experiencing a growing pain. He was changing and his parents needed his help and guidance. His mom just hadn't found a new way of expressing her love for him. If you offer something to your child and he says: "No, thank you" and you have no idea what else you can do, you are lost, hurt and a bit sad.
This is what I am learning from my own daughter. Sometimes she wants to sit in my lap, be hugged and talk about everything going on in her life. We spend quality time together and I feel like the best mom ever. At other times, she feels frustrated about things that happened at school and she needs to vent, taking it out on me. I am her safe place and she pushes my buttons, stretches the boundaries and, tests the limits. I must decide when to be compassionate and when to be stern and enforce rules. Sometimes I do alright but most of the time I fall short. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself as a mother it didn't look like this. After she's blown up and I have lost my cool, I try to deconstruct what happened and figure out where I went wrong. She's a good girl and I know she'll be fine but this new phase in our relationship has forced me to stretch outside of my comfort zone.
I think the worst part of this phase is the lack of communication among parents. When our children are young, we discuss our challenges: "Little Frankie won't sleep", "Sally had a tantrum at Walmart the other day", "I'm not sure Timmy is ready to start cereal, how old was yours when you started him on solids"? So, today, I am stating, for the record, that I do not have all the answers, that my children are amazing most of the time but have bursts of behaviors that I do not understand and, that despite my training and intentions, I do not always manage their behavior or mine effectively.
Hopefully, this post is helpful for some of you, encouraging you to talk to someone because you recognize that it is a normal growing pain and you are not alone
The young lady who once babysat my little ones is now a mother. I see photos of her with her newborn and I can't believe how much time has passed. I loved being pregnant, breastfeeding, walking around with my baby in a sling, humming lullabies (could never remember the words), watching my baby sleep, going out for walks with the stroller, the whole thing.
My favorite age though has to be 18 months. Everything is magical at that age and you get to introduce your little one to all sorts of experiences and watch her reaction. Sitting together, enjoying a picnic at the beach, imagining our yard as a spaceship, kissing booboos, taking our time, examining every flower or insect, I miss those days.
The thing is, while all this was happening, I wondered if I was being a good mom. I questioned my decisions: Should Molly have juice with supper or is the juice spoiling her appetite as our neighbor suggests? Am I a bad mom for bringing the girls to McDonalds once in a while? The other moms are feeding only organic, whole foods to their children. Is it weird that I haven't weaned my daughter yet if the other moms stopped nursing by six months? Why is my one year old not sleeping through the night? The ladies at play group said their baby slept through the night from the time they brought him home from the hospital.
Overall, mothering young children came easily to me and I enjoyed it. As my eldest daughter nears age 10, however, it is becoming clear to me that I need a whole new skill set. One evening, as I was sitting with a young man at the Kemptville Youth Centre during an art therapy workshop, I heard him complain about his mother. She was a great source of frustration to him. I listened to him describe what happened when he got home from school. She was trying to connect with him, asking about his day and offering to fix him a snack. This annoyed him because he just wanted to be left alone. I explained to him that, as parents, we each have our strengths. She was a good nurturer but he needed something different from her now. We explored what he did need from his parents so he could communicate this to them. We discussed how our needs and roles shift throughout the life cycle and how they were currently experiencing a growing pain. He was changing and his parents needed his help and guidance. His mom just hadn't found a new way of expressing her love for him. If you offer something to your child and he says: "No, thank you" and you have no idea what else you can do, you are lost, hurt and a bit sad.
This is what I am learning from my own daughter. Sometimes she wants to sit in my lap, be hugged and talk about everything going on in her life. We spend quality time together and I feel like the best mom ever. At other times, she feels frustrated about things that happened at school and she needs to vent, taking it out on me. I am her safe place and she pushes my buttons, stretches the boundaries and, tests the limits. I must decide when to be compassionate and when to be stern and enforce rules. Sometimes I do alright but most of the time I fall short. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself as a mother it didn't look like this. After she's blown up and I have lost my cool, I try to deconstruct what happened and figure out where I went wrong. She's a good girl and I know she'll be fine but this new phase in our relationship has forced me to stretch outside of my comfort zone.
I think the worst part of this phase is the lack of communication among parents. When our children are young, we discuss our challenges: "Little Frankie won't sleep", "Sally had a tantrum at Walmart the other day", "I'm not sure Timmy is ready to start cereal, how old was yours when you started him on solids"? So, today, I am stating, for the record, that I do not have all the answers, that my children are amazing most of the time but have bursts of behaviors that I do not understand and, that despite my training and intentions, I do not always manage their behavior or mine effectively.
Hopefully, this post is helpful for some of you, encouraging you to talk to someone because you recognize that it is a normal growing pain and you are not alone
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