November 29th, 2016
I can not believe how long it has been since I last posted on this blog. The past week has flown by with a combination of snow days, PD days and sick days. Today is the second snow day of the season but my children are happily playing upstairs. So, I am frantically attempting to write something before they realize I am being productive.
Last month, I read an article in Chatelaine about a woman who was describing how awesome her life was post-divorce. We get free copies of Chatelaine for some reason and I was thumbing through it at breakfast. I was shocked by the article. I know there are many relationships where the people are far better off when it's all over. However, I was struck by the tone of the article. It sounded like divorce was trendy, a lifestyle choice. The author boasted about sleeping in on weekends when the children were at their dad's house. She explained how great it was to have time for herself to take a bath and fold laundry at her own pace. She described how the children benefitted from each parent exposing them to different activities and interests. It sounded like a new ideal, the utopia of divorced couples.
My husband is a hairstylist. He hears about approximately two divorces per week. This is an alarming rate. He comes home after hearing the horror stories of court cases, money battles, children stuck in the middle and it really bothers him that these people are suffering. I hear from women in my work as a therapist. There is no party, only grief and disillusionment. Divorce is not the easy way out. It's not clean cut, straightforward or festive.
Just over a week after reading the article, I saw the movie, Bad Moms. I was really looking forward to it. I saw the trailer and laughed out loud. When we watched the entire movie however, I was surprised to encounter the same message as the article. The main character has a dead beat husband who cheats on her. She decides to kick him out. She spends her days partying with some new friends and driving her ex-husband's sports car. She also meets Mr Right immediately and had sex with him the day before she goes to marriage counselling with her husband. By the end of the movie, her ex and her are friendly, her kids are doing great, she is with the new hottie and has new friends. She has quit her job but it's ok because she's been promoted to a better job.
I want to be clear here that I am not anti-divorce. I know women struggle with the decision for years and often stay longer than they should to protect the children. I get that there are some relationships that have been so damaged by betrayal or abuse that they can never be fixed. What I object to is the glamorization of divorce. The concept that if your life or relationship sucks, you can just dump your husband and everything will fall into place. You will feel awesome and attract a new guy and live happily ever after.
The reality is that your life will be stressful, emotional and chaotic until you are done with the legal, financial aspect of your divorce. You will not feel like jumping into a new relationship. Your children will take their anger out on you even if they can clearly see that leaving your spouse was for the best. You will have to deal with all the issues that came up in your marriage, your fear of abandonment, your inability to trust, your need to control, whatever it is for you. If you jump into another relationship right away, you will only repeat the same painful patterns. Divorce, even when it's the right decision, is a painful transition and it takes time. Any article or movie that teaches you otherwise is misleading.
If you are thinking about leaving your spouse, ask yourself these questions:
1) If I was divorced, how would my life be different? What would I do that is different from my current life? Often, we imagine ourselves leading this exciting life as if our husbands were the only thing standing in our way. Can you implement any of these activities or behaviours in your life right now? You may be surprised by the impact this has on your relationship and your personal happiness.
2) What new behaviours or patterns would you initiate in your next relationship? Can you practice these new patterns in your current relationship? If you imagine yourself being sexually active in your next relationship but you are timid and reserved in this one, try experimenting with your current partner. Can you re-ignite your passion? Try role-playing.
3) Can you see any similarity between your parents' relationship and your own or, between your relationship with one of your parents and your current relationship with your spouse? If daddy always let you down, you may have learned to be self-sufficient. This could lead to shutting your spouse out of your life. Is there room for him? What would happen if you let him and asked him for help, support or affection? Are you willing to be vulnerable?
4) When was the last time you felt connected to your partner? Can you recall what attracted you to him? When did these feelings stop? Are they still there, somewhere? You may want to participate in activities you used to enjoy as a couple in those early days. How about a road trip without the kids? My husband and I love going to Montreal for an overnight.
5) Have you communicated with your husband? Many times, the truth comes out during the divorce process. None of the frustrations or complaints were addressed during the relationship. Then, the husband hears the truth from others or reads it on a court document. It may feel risky to open up a can of worms but it could help and is way less painful than getting divorced.
If you are getting divorced, here are some tips from my clients:
1) Don't make any huge plans or drastic changes right after the separation
2) Give yourself time to grieve
3) Your children are angry and they will act out but, over time, things will calm down, don't take their words personally, they will be loving again
4) Don't talk negatively to your children about their dad. This puts them in the middle and creates tension in them as they feel forced to choose between their parents (and lie to protect their feelings)
5) Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
6) Make self-care a priority
7) Keep your children's best interest at the centre of your interactions with your ex
8) Don't jump into a new relationship to avoid the pain
9) The pain and intensity of this experience will fade over time, it is temporary
10) Focus on moving on with your life and creating something positive rather than holding on to your feelings about your ex and punishing him (draining)
I hope this post has been useful.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Friday, 4 November 2016
The mother of all stories; local author seeks moms willing to contribute to book
November 4th, 2016
Jennifer Westendorp from The Kemptville Advance, wrote this article about my book in order to get more moms to step forward and share their stories. Thank you Jennifer! If you know any mother who would like to share her story, please send her my way.
http://www.insideottawavalley.com/community-story/6945860-the-mother-of-all-stories-local-author-seeks-moms-willing-to-contribute-to-book/
The mother of all stories; local author seeks moms willing to contribute to book
Every mother has a story to tell; of love, heartbreak, exclusion, judgement, friendship, frustration, pure joy, insomnia or guilt. Mothers have been through it all.
Local author and art therapist Anne Walsh has set out on a mission to gather these stories and compile them into a book all mothers can relate to.
And she wants your help.
“I am writing a book called Mommy Monologues, which is basically a book about motherhood,” explained Walsh.
Working as an art therapist has shown here that often mothers feel alone.
“Mommy’s have monologues running through their heads; I didn’t make it to an activity at my child’s school, I wasn’t there for them, I didn’t get this done, my child doesn’t have their boots on like everyone else, they left without mittens.”
Motherhood has become a competitive sport, said Walsh.
“Where there is competition, there is no vulnerability, so people don’t see you need support. Meanwhile, people are struggling and nobody knows.”
The goal of the book is to break through the barrier of taboo; to show struggling doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.
“I want to show the variety of mommy monologues,” said Walsh. “To show moms they are not alone.”
When you think about motherhood, you see images of the ‘soccer mom’ or ‘working mom,’ she explained.
“There are so many more varieties out there; moms who adopted, moms who are gay, moms with addiction issues, moms with mental health issues or who have kids with mental health issues. There are all these different types of moms out there with no community. All they see are moms who are able-bodied and not struggling, so they feel isolated.”
“What I want to do is interview all these moms,” she continued. “I am looking for moms from all walks of life. I want to hear it all. My goal is for every mother to be able to pick up this book and be able to find her story.”
Walsh, who has interviewed 10 moms so far, hopes to include stories from about 100.
“I’ve talked to many moms about this and a lot of them say ‘oh, you wouldn’t want my story in your book.’ They don’t feel like they are good enough to be included. I want to honour all stories by putting them in the book. No story is insignificant.”
If you are interested in sharing your story with Walsh, email her directly at artnsoul@ripnet.com or send her a message on Facebook. People who participate do not have to use their real name in the book.
Jennifer Westendorp is the reporter for the Kemptville Advance. She studied journalism-print at Algonquin College. Her interests include reading, writing and being outdoors.
Jennifer Westendorp from The Kemptville Advance, wrote this article about my book in order to get more moms to step forward and share their stories. Thank you Jennifer! If you know any mother who would like to share her story, please send her my way.
http://www.insideottawavalley.com/community-story/6945860-the-mother-of-all-stories-local-author-seeks-moms-willing-to-contribute-to-book/
The mother of all stories; local author seeks moms willing to contribute to book
Every mother has a story to tell; of love, heartbreak, exclusion, judgement, friendship, frustration, pure joy, insomnia or guilt. Mothers have been through it all.
Local author and art therapist Anne Walsh has set out on a mission to gather these stories and compile them into a book all mothers can relate to.
And she wants your help.
“I am writing a book called Mommy Monologues, which is basically a book about motherhood,” explained Walsh.
Working as an art therapist has shown here that often mothers feel alone.
“Mommy’s have monologues running through their heads; I didn’t make it to an activity at my child’s school, I wasn’t there for them, I didn’t get this done, my child doesn’t have their boots on like everyone else, they left without mittens.”
Motherhood has become a competitive sport, said Walsh.
“Where there is competition, there is no vulnerability, so people don’t see you need support. Meanwhile, people are struggling and nobody knows.”
The goal of the book is to break through the barrier of taboo; to show struggling doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.
“I want to show the variety of mommy monologues,” said Walsh. “To show moms they are not alone.”
When you think about motherhood, you see images of the ‘soccer mom’ or ‘working mom,’ she explained.
“There are so many more varieties out there; moms who adopted, moms who are gay, moms with addiction issues, moms with mental health issues or who have kids with mental health issues. There are all these different types of moms out there with no community. All they see are moms who are able-bodied and not struggling, so they feel isolated.”
“What I want to do is interview all these moms,” she continued. “I am looking for moms from all walks of life. I want to hear it all. My goal is for every mother to be able to pick up this book and be able to find her story.”
Walsh, who has interviewed 10 moms so far, hopes to include stories from about 100.
“I’ve talked to many moms about this and a lot of them say ‘oh, you wouldn’t want my story in your book.’ They don’t feel like they are good enough to be included. I want to honour all stories by putting them in the book. No story is insignificant.”
If you are interested in sharing your story with Walsh, email her directly at artnsoul@ripnet.com or send her a message on Facebook. People who participate do not have to use their real name in the book.
Jennifer Westendorp is the reporter for the Kemptville Advance. She studied journalism-print at Algonquin College. Her interests include reading, writing and being outdoors.
Monday, 24 October 2016
Queen Mimi, the Homeless Lady, Documentary
Oct. 24th, 2016
Saturday night, my husband and I decided to watch a movie. We were trying out a new babysitter and were back from supper a bit early. We scanned Netflix, searching for something upbeat and meaningful. We both stopped to consider a documentary about a homeless woman living in Santa Monica, California. That is what we chose to watch.
At first, we see Mimi who has no teeth but is always smiling. She is hunched over, dishevelled and sending kisses to the camera. You can tell she is a character. Vin and I were both reminded of my Grandmother. She was short and spunky like Mimi and, a tad bit flirtatious.
Mimi lives in a laundromat. She was homeless for a long time but, one wet and cold night, she was allowed to stay in the laundromat for shelter and she never left. She slept on a plastic chair at night and helped clients at the laundromat during the day. She even had her own paying clients. She became a celebrity in Santa Monica. Clients looked forward to chatting with Mimi. She liked to go to the bars at night and, since she had her own key to the laundromat, she could party and let herself in at night or in the wee hours of the morning.
The first part of this documentary is all about her being cheeky. We hear from friends and clients who think she's amazing. We learn that the person filming this documentary is a guy who works at a coffee shop across the street. However, as the movie progresses, we realize that nobody really knows much about her. She doesn't share much information about her past. She is a mystery to her coworkers, friends and many admirers.
A few celebrities like Zack Galifianakis (The Hangover) and Renee Zellweger (Bridget Jones Diary) took her out and included her at red carpet events. She had many friends and seemed content. However, the more people talked about her and how much she meant to them, the more you wondered, Why is she still living in a laundromat, sleeping on a plastic chair?
The documentary interviews people who have invited her to stay for a while. You hear about her drinking and her late nights. Some co-workers say Mimi hates homeless people and won't let them into the laundromat, where she once stayed to keep her warm. We witness her getting angry at a client because he moved her basket, it contained her client's order. She definitely has strong opinions.
We then delve into her background, how she ended up on the street and who she left behind. Mimi was married for 29 years. Her husband cheated and she left him. She lost the house and lived in her van until it was taken away from her because she couldn't afford to pay for her licence to be renewed. She ate leftovers thrown into the bin behind local restaurants, she slept in bushes or doorways, she made shoes and blankets out of newspaper. Mimi explains that she had been out of work for years because her husband insisted that she stop working when they got married. She hadn't worked in nearly 30 years and that made it difficult for her to gain employment.
Just when you think you've heard it all, you find out she has two daughters. Your mind is swimming with questions. Where are they? How old would they be? Does Mimi have grandchildren? Do they know she's homeless? How did they get separated? Why didn't they help? It turns out, one of her daughters has passed away. She was looking for her and never found her. The other daughter is found by a friend during the filming of this documentary. They start building a relationship. Mimi meets her grand daughters. Mimi's daughter tells viewers that they were a united family, churchgoers and she didn't know where her mother went. They did look for her. They hoped to be reunited one day. Now, this dream has come true for the one daughter.
Another dream comes true as well. Zack Galifianakis rents an apartment for Mimi just across from the Laundromat. She finally has a bed to sleep in and a home of her own. At the end of the documentary, we see Mimi with Yaniv Rokah, the young man who works at the coffee shop across from the laundromat. He is escorting her to a movie theatre for the premiere of the documentary he has created about her life. Her daughter and granddaughters are there as well. Mimi gets a standing ovation.
I thoroughly enjoyed watching Queen Mimi. This documentary has many layers, like Mimi herself. She is slowly revealed-Bride, Mother, Sunday School teacher, divorced woman, homeless lady, laundromat resident and employee, celebrity and, inspiration.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Saturday night, my husband and I decided to watch a movie. We were trying out a new babysitter and were back from supper a bit early. We scanned Netflix, searching for something upbeat and meaningful. We both stopped to consider a documentary about a homeless woman living in Santa Monica, California. That is what we chose to watch.
At first, we see Mimi who has no teeth but is always smiling. She is hunched over, dishevelled and sending kisses to the camera. You can tell she is a character. Vin and I were both reminded of my Grandmother. She was short and spunky like Mimi and, a tad bit flirtatious.
Mimi lives in a laundromat. She was homeless for a long time but, one wet and cold night, she was allowed to stay in the laundromat for shelter and she never left. She slept on a plastic chair at night and helped clients at the laundromat during the day. She even had her own paying clients. She became a celebrity in Santa Monica. Clients looked forward to chatting with Mimi. She liked to go to the bars at night and, since she had her own key to the laundromat, she could party and let herself in at night or in the wee hours of the morning.
The first part of this documentary is all about her being cheeky. We hear from friends and clients who think she's amazing. We learn that the person filming this documentary is a guy who works at a coffee shop across the street. However, as the movie progresses, we realize that nobody really knows much about her. She doesn't share much information about her past. She is a mystery to her coworkers, friends and many admirers.
A few celebrities like Zack Galifianakis (The Hangover) and Renee Zellweger (Bridget Jones Diary) took her out and included her at red carpet events. She had many friends and seemed content. However, the more people talked about her and how much she meant to them, the more you wondered, Why is she still living in a laundromat, sleeping on a plastic chair?
The documentary interviews people who have invited her to stay for a while. You hear about her drinking and her late nights. Some co-workers say Mimi hates homeless people and won't let them into the laundromat, where she once stayed to keep her warm. We witness her getting angry at a client because he moved her basket, it contained her client's order. She definitely has strong opinions.
We then delve into her background, how she ended up on the street and who she left behind. Mimi was married for 29 years. Her husband cheated and she left him. She lost the house and lived in her van until it was taken away from her because she couldn't afford to pay for her licence to be renewed. She ate leftovers thrown into the bin behind local restaurants, she slept in bushes or doorways, she made shoes and blankets out of newspaper. Mimi explains that she had been out of work for years because her husband insisted that she stop working when they got married. She hadn't worked in nearly 30 years and that made it difficult for her to gain employment.
Just when you think you've heard it all, you find out she has two daughters. Your mind is swimming with questions. Where are they? How old would they be? Does Mimi have grandchildren? Do they know she's homeless? How did they get separated? Why didn't they help? It turns out, one of her daughters has passed away. She was looking for her and never found her. The other daughter is found by a friend during the filming of this documentary. They start building a relationship. Mimi meets her grand daughters. Mimi's daughter tells viewers that they were a united family, churchgoers and she didn't know where her mother went. They did look for her. They hoped to be reunited one day. Now, this dream has come true for the one daughter.
Another dream comes true as well. Zack Galifianakis rents an apartment for Mimi just across from the Laundromat. She finally has a bed to sleep in and a home of her own. At the end of the documentary, we see Mimi with Yaniv Rokah, the young man who works at the coffee shop across from the laundromat. He is escorting her to a movie theatre for the premiere of the documentary he has created about her life. Her daughter and granddaughters are there as well. Mimi gets a standing ovation.
I thoroughly enjoyed watching Queen Mimi. This documentary has many layers, like Mimi herself. She is slowly revealed-Bride, Mother, Sunday School teacher, divorced woman, homeless lady, laundromat resident and employee, celebrity and, inspiration.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Monday, 3 October 2016
Book of the Week-Love Warrior
October 3rd, 2016
My mother and I met at Bayshore last Thursday. She told me she was done reading this book so I could have it. I was in the middle of another book but she said there was no rush, "Just take the book and read it when you have time". I was intrigued by this book. I started reading it that very afternoon.
What a roller coaster ride! I couldn't put it down. It is a memoir, the real story of Glennon who has a perfect childhood and finds herself disconnecting from her body at the age of ten. She numbs herself with food and develops an eating disorder. She numbs herself with alcohol and later drugs. She also has sex without any connection to her body or the people who are using it.
No one is able to reach her and help her until she gets pregnant. This is a turning point for her. She never loved herself enough to take care of herself but she can stop drinking and drugging in order to ensure a healthy pregnancy. Her boyfriend marries her. They have a few decent years in the cocoon of their family. Then, they grow apart as they each pull away from the other. When she finds out that her husband has betrayed her, Glennon must decide whether she will ever trust him again and if she even wants to try.
As Glennon and her husband work on their relationship, we learn a great deal about what it means to be authentic, to be real with one another. Glenn takes us along on her exploration of who she is and her discovery of what it means to be someone's intimate partner. She learns to love and accept herself and shed her masks. She connects with her body and discovers intimacy.
This is a truly brave, raw, honest look at her relationship with her Self, her Source, her children and her husband. It is inspiring because what she learns is something we can all apply to our lives and relationships. Here is what I have learned from Glennon:
1-Breathe and pay attention to the still voice inside you
2-You are loved and perfect as you are, nothing you can do will make you more loveable or less loveable
3-When you enter a relationship, both of you are loved and perfect, you can help each other grow by communicating honestly with each other and being present to one another
4-You need to identify your needs, respect them, take care of yourself and, ask your partner for what you need from him/her
5-You can be real and leave your representative (fake self behind)
6-You are a soul, a mind and a body, embrace all three aspects of yourself
7-When something happens to someone, the best thing you can do is acknowledge their pain and offer to be present (not fix or compare to someone else's story)
8-Be prepared to fully live this life, this means you will experience pain at times but you are a Warrior and you will survive it
9-Teach your children that they are loved and perfect as they are, show them how to express love in the world
10-We all suffer, don't pretend with others, be real and they can be real with you, no need to be lonely, reach out and tell the truth
This is one of those books that I inhaled. I will need to go over it again, slowly, because there is so much to learn from it. I feel inspired! If you are looking for a life-changing book, read this one.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
My mother and I met at Bayshore last Thursday. She told me she was done reading this book so I could have it. I was in the middle of another book but she said there was no rush, "Just take the book and read it when you have time". I was intrigued by this book. I started reading it that very afternoon.
What a roller coaster ride! I couldn't put it down. It is a memoir, the real story of Glennon who has a perfect childhood and finds herself disconnecting from her body at the age of ten. She numbs herself with food and develops an eating disorder. She numbs herself with alcohol and later drugs. She also has sex without any connection to her body or the people who are using it.
No one is able to reach her and help her until she gets pregnant. This is a turning point for her. She never loved herself enough to take care of herself but she can stop drinking and drugging in order to ensure a healthy pregnancy. Her boyfriend marries her. They have a few decent years in the cocoon of their family. Then, they grow apart as they each pull away from the other. When she finds out that her husband has betrayed her, Glennon must decide whether she will ever trust him again and if she even wants to try.
As Glennon and her husband work on their relationship, we learn a great deal about what it means to be authentic, to be real with one another. Glenn takes us along on her exploration of who she is and her discovery of what it means to be someone's intimate partner. She learns to love and accept herself and shed her masks. She connects with her body and discovers intimacy.
This is a truly brave, raw, honest look at her relationship with her Self, her Source, her children and her husband. It is inspiring because what she learns is something we can all apply to our lives and relationships. Here is what I have learned from Glennon:
1-Breathe and pay attention to the still voice inside you
2-You are loved and perfect as you are, nothing you can do will make you more loveable or less loveable
3-When you enter a relationship, both of you are loved and perfect, you can help each other grow by communicating honestly with each other and being present to one another
4-You need to identify your needs, respect them, take care of yourself and, ask your partner for what you need from him/her
5-You can be real and leave your representative (fake self behind)
6-You are a soul, a mind and a body, embrace all three aspects of yourself
7-When something happens to someone, the best thing you can do is acknowledge their pain and offer to be present (not fix or compare to someone else's story)
8-Be prepared to fully live this life, this means you will experience pain at times but you are a Warrior and you will survive it
9-Teach your children that they are loved and perfect as they are, show them how to express love in the world
10-We all suffer, don't pretend with others, be real and they can be real with you, no need to be lonely, reach out and tell the truth
This is one of those books that I inhaled. I will need to go over it again, slowly, because there is so much to learn from it. I feel inspired! If you are looking for a life-changing book, read this one.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Wednesday, 29 June 2016
Failure
June 29th, 2016
From a very young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others. Are we taller, a faster runner, more popular, smarter than our peers? At school, we are rewarded for understanding quickly and repeating what we have learned. As we grow up, our parents, the media and community bombard us with messages regarding what it means to be successful. We might go to school longer to become the professionals our parents want us to be. We might work long hours to buy the big house and the ultra expensive sports car. We may use credit cards to pay for holidays we can't afford. We do this to look and feel successful.
In my work, I see people who are struggling with a sense of failure. After a divorce, many women feel like they have failed. Some will say that they should have left years earlier but they feared what others would say and think.
Mothers with teenagers come and see me because they feel that they have failed as a mother. Their previously loving and affectionate daughters no longer speak to them. Everything the moms say or do to bridge the gap that is ever widening only creates conflict. Their child is acting up and they fear that it's all their fault.
When clients come into my studio after they have been laid off, they are feeling shocked and disoriented. They climbed that social ladder and reached an acceptable status. When they suddenly find themselves further down the ladder, they feel like they have failed. It is a blow to their self-esteem.
We learn to avoid failure at all costs but failing is essential to our growth. We are here to experience life. If we fear participating in life because we don't ever want to fail, we end up not reaching our full potential. A comfortable life is not challenging therefore we don't learn anything new about others, about life and about ourselves.
When we fail, we get to receive love and support from our friends and family. These experiences show us who our true friends are and strengthen our relationships. Failing shuts doors so we might explore new avenues we never would have considered otherwise. When we fail in business, it can redirect us to a second career that is more compatible with our personality.
You don't know what you are capable of until you have experienced hardship. When you reach rock bottom, you have a choice-give up or get back up. What you decide teaches you something about your character. Failing also makes you more compassionate. When others are struggling, you can relate, you've been there. You know what others did that helped you pull through and you recall the things people said or did that just made it worst. This prepares you to support others to the best of your abilities.
If you have recently failed at something, ask yourself these questions:
1-On a scale of 1-10, how important will this seem to me in ten years from now? Will I still care?
2-What does this failure mean to me? What does it represent?
3-What story am I creating about this failure and where did this story originate?
4-Is this part of a pattern? Have I been here before? When did this pattern start? What needs healing?
5-How can I love myself today? What simple act of self-care can I perform to support myself?
6-What is the message in this failure? What is it meant to teach me?
7-Is there anything in my control that I can do to move forward today?
8-Who are the people I can reach out to, who love and support me?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
From a very young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others. Are we taller, a faster runner, more popular, smarter than our peers? At school, we are rewarded for understanding quickly and repeating what we have learned. As we grow up, our parents, the media and community bombard us with messages regarding what it means to be successful. We might go to school longer to become the professionals our parents want us to be. We might work long hours to buy the big house and the ultra expensive sports car. We may use credit cards to pay for holidays we can't afford. We do this to look and feel successful.
In my work, I see people who are struggling with a sense of failure. After a divorce, many women feel like they have failed. Some will say that they should have left years earlier but they feared what others would say and think.
Mothers with teenagers come and see me because they feel that they have failed as a mother. Their previously loving and affectionate daughters no longer speak to them. Everything the moms say or do to bridge the gap that is ever widening only creates conflict. Their child is acting up and they fear that it's all their fault.
When clients come into my studio after they have been laid off, they are feeling shocked and disoriented. They climbed that social ladder and reached an acceptable status. When they suddenly find themselves further down the ladder, they feel like they have failed. It is a blow to their self-esteem.
We learn to avoid failure at all costs but failing is essential to our growth. We are here to experience life. If we fear participating in life because we don't ever want to fail, we end up not reaching our full potential. A comfortable life is not challenging therefore we don't learn anything new about others, about life and about ourselves.
When we fail, we get to receive love and support from our friends and family. These experiences show us who our true friends are and strengthen our relationships. Failing shuts doors so we might explore new avenues we never would have considered otherwise. When we fail in business, it can redirect us to a second career that is more compatible with our personality.
You don't know what you are capable of until you have experienced hardship. When you reach rock bottom, you have a choice-give up or get back up. What you decide teaches you something about your character. Failing also makes you more compassionate. When others are struggling, you can relate, you've been there. You know what others did that helped you pull through and you recall the things people said or did that just made it worst. This prepares you to support others to the best of your abilities.
If you have recently failed at something, ask yourself these questions:
1-On a scale of 1-10, how important will this seem to me in ten years from now? Will I still care?
2-What does this failure mean to me? What does it represent?
3-What story am I creating about this failure and where did this story originate?
4-Is this part of a pattern? Have I been here before? When did this pattern start? What needs healing?
5-How can I love myself today? What simple act of self-care can I perform to support myself?
6-What is the message in this failure? What is it meant to teach me?
7-Is there anything in my control that I can do to move forward today?
8-Who are the people I can reach out to, who love and support me?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 26 February 2016
I Do
February 25th, 2016
Growing up, you read fairy tales about princesses who are beautiful-birds landing on their outstretched index finger and cute forest creatures gathering to hear them sing. The princess is in trouble, usually because of a step mother or evil witch who covets the princess's beauty. The princess nearly dies but her prince saves her. In the nick of time, he swoops in on his white horse and battles the dragon or kisses her lips and revives her. Then, of course, they live happily ever after. There is never a sequel. What does it mean to live happily ever after? What would that look like?
As a young girl, you idealize your dad. He is your prince. He is strong, he protects you and loves you. You draw him pictures and hug him tight, holding onto his neck. You feel safe. As a young woman, when you like a guy, you project your fantasies onto him. Is he THE ONE?
There are so many beginnings to a relationship: hot, blind and fiery, you just love exploring each other's bodies but you really know nothing about each other (less talking, more kissing), friends first, you develop feelings for a guy friend and have to get through the awkward stage of "Oh My God, this is my friend I'm kissing", love-at-first-sight, you meet a total stranger and feel like you've come home, everything feels familiar and right about this person or, hate-lust, couples who start out as archenemies until, one day, during one of their arguments, there is a kiss, followed by bliss. They fight and make-up over and over again and, they wouldn't have it any other way. There are plenty more ways to get started but, you get the point.
So, what happens next? Eventually, things get more serious, they stop seeing other people, they move in together and, eventually commit (maybe through marriage or just an agreement). Sometimes, immediately after the commitment, one of the partners panics and attempts to sabotage it (I'm trapped, can't breathe). There can be a long stretch of time where both parties feel safe, comfortable, proud and hopeful for the future.
If you have children, things get a little tricky. You have a fantasy in your mind of what that will be like, so does he. Do they match? Do you understand each other's expectations? You imagine yourself getting pregnant right away, calling everyone to share the great news, you look radiant, you and the baby are healthy, your partner is interested in going to every appointment and hearing all the details of your pregnancy, the baby comes on its due date, you squat and push that baby out in record time, you hold your baby in your arms and you are the picture of motherhood, your newborn latches on perfectly, sleeps through the night, a swarm of visitors come to see you and the baby, your husband exudes love and pride as he looks into your eyes, your life is exactly the same as before except you bring the baby along. Cue the sound of the needle scratching the record. If you have children, you recognize the sarcasm here. Things rarely happen perfectly. You may not conceive, throw up for the first semester, go through complications, experience a hellish childbirth, have trouble breastfeeding or end up with a colicky baby. This is real life.
This is where your relationship grows. You need each other. There are challenges and you must figure out how to get through them. Four months of sleepless nights were not part of the fairytale. I don't recall the stretch marks and mood swings being in there either. So there you are, two people who love each other but who are being tested. You may both be tired, worried and stressed. How will you handle this? Will you blame your partner, leave, have an affair, work late or communicate, come up with a plan and tackle this together? Maybe you'll try all of these until you find what works.
You may not have any children. You meet someone, become a couple, work, travel, entertain friends and enjoy leisure activities together. Life will still present a few hurdles to strengthen your relationship. You lose your job, his mother becomes ill, the in-laws are intrusive or you just get bored after a few years. Each of you wonders: "Is this it"? Once again, you have a choice. How will you face the challenge? Will you remember that you're on the same team? It's scary when times get rough. You think about the divorce statistics, you worry that you won't make it. Will things get better or is this the end?
My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary in August. We have two amazing daughters, ages 10 and 7. His business is thriving. I have changed jobs and now work from home. We are in such a good place right now. However, we have been through our share of issues and there were times I'm sure we both wanted to punch each other's brains out. We each had some baggage and every conflict caused us to unpack a bit at a time. We know our triggers and patterns. We have seen each other at our worst but also witnessed our strength, devotion and compassion. We have our date night every week and we spend time together when the girls are in school. We still make each other laugh, pushing the boundaries until one of us says: "OK that's enough, this has gone too far". I love him in a completely different way. I used to look at him, the way he dressed, the spikes in his hair, his goatee, his green eyes, I loved the way he held my hand or acted silly in public, I enjoyed working out together then eating delicious vietnamese food or watching him at work, so skilled and competent.
My favourite moments now are watching him show our youngest how to start a terrific fire in the fireplace or how to cook delicious soup. I love seeing our eldest cuddle up with him and tell him about her day. The girls love his silliness and the way he throws them into the pool in the summer. I love hearing them squeal with delight as they run down the hallway when he makes monster noises and chases them. It feels good to eat supper together, walk the dog as a family or go out for ice cream. I still enjoy watching him work, we hold hands every night as we relax in front of the tv before bed, we never run out of jokes and we eat vietnamese food weekly.
We need longer fairy tales to teach us what real relationships look like when two people agree to love one another, even when it's hard. To show young people what it feels like to get to the other side, stronger, humbler and, more compassionate.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Growing up, you read fairy tales about princesses who are beautiful-birds landing on their outstretched index finger and cute forest creatures gathering to hear them sing. The princess is in trouble, usually because of a step mother or evil witch who covets the princess's beauty. The princess nearly dies but her prince saves her. In the nick of time, he swoops in on his white horse and battles the dragon or kisses her lips and revives her. Then, of course, they live happily ever after. There is never a sequel. What does it mean to live happily ever after? What would that look like?
As a young girl, you idealize your dad. He is your prince. He is strong, he protects you and loves you. You draw him pictures and hug him tight, holding onto his neck. You feel safe. As a young woman, when you like a guy, you project your fantasies onto him. Is he THE ONE?
There are so many beginnings to a relationship: hot, blind and fiery, you just love exploring each other's bodies but you really know nothing about each other (less talking, more kissing), friends first, you develop feelings for a guy friend and have to get through the awkward stage of "Oh My God, this is my friend I'm kissing", love-at-first-sight, you meet a total stranger and feel like you've come home, everything feels familiar and right about this person or, hate-lust, couples who start out as archenemies until, one day, during one of their arguments, there is a kiss, followed by bliss. They fight and make-up over and over again and, they wouldn't have it any other way. There are plenty more ways to get started but, you get the point.
So, what happens next? Eventually, things get more serious, they stop seeing other people, they move in together and, eventually commit (maybe through marriage or just an agreement). Sometimes, immediately after the commitment, one of the partners panics and attempts to sabotage it (I'm trapped, can't breathe). There can be a long stretch of time where both parties feel safe, comfortable, proud and hopeful for the future.
If you have children, things get a little tricky. You have a fantasy in your mind of what that will be like, so does he. Do they match? Do you understand each other's expectations? You imagine yourself getting pregnant right away, calling everyone to share the great news, you look radiant, you and the baby are healthy, your partner is interested in going to every appointment and hearing all the details of your pregnancy, the baby comes on its due date, you squat and push that baby out in record time, you hold your baby in your arms and you are the picture of motherhood, your newborn latches on perfectly, sleeps through the night, a swarm of visitors come to see you and the baby, your husband exudes love and pride as he looks into your eyes, your life is exactly the same as before except you bring the baby along. Cue the sound of the needle scratching the record. If you have children, you recognize the sarcasm here. Things rarely happen perfectly. You may not conceive, throw up for the first semester, go through complications, experience a hellish childbirth, have trouble breastfeeding or end up with a colicky baby. This is real life.
This is where your relationship grows. You need each other. There are challenges and you must figure out how to get through them. Four months of sleepless nights were not part of the fairytale. I don't recall the stretch marks and mood swings being in there either. So there you are, two people who love each other but who are being tested. You may both be tired, worried and stressed. How will you handle this? Will you blame your partner, leave, have an affair, work late or communicate, come up with a plan and tackle this together? Maybe you'll try all of these until you find what works.
You may not have any children. You meet someone, become a couple, work, travel, entertain friends and enjoy leisure activities together. Life will still present a few hurdles to strengthen your relationship. You lose your job, his mother becomes ill, the in-laws are intrusive or you just get bored after a few years. Each of you wonders: "Is this it"? Once again, you have a choice. How will you face the challenge? Will you remember that you're on the same team? It's scary when times get rough. You think about the divorce statistics, you worry that you won't make it. Will things get better or is this the end?
My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary in August. We have two amazing daughters, ages 10 and 7. His business is thriving. I have changed jobs and now work from home. We are in such a good place right now. However, we have been through our share of issues and there were times I'm sure we both wanted to punch each other's brains out. We each had some baggage and every conflict caused us to unpack a bit at a time. We know our triggers and patterns. We have seen each other at our worst but also witnessed our strength, devotion and compassion. We have our date night every week and we spend time together when the girls are in school. We still make each other laugh, pushing the boundaries until one of us says: "OK that's enough, this has gone too far". I love him in a completely different way. I used to look at him, the way he dressed, the spikes in his hair, his goatee, his green eyes, I loved the way he held my hand or acted silly in public, I enjoyed working out together then eating delicious vietnamese food or watching him at work, so skilled and competent.
My favourite moments now are watching him show our youngest how to start a terrific fire in the fireplace or how to cook delicious soup. I love seeing our eldest cuddle up with him and tell him about her day. The girls love his silliness and the way he throws them into the pool in the summer. I love hearing them squeal with delight as they run down the hallway when he makes monster noises and chases them. It feels good to eat supper together, walk the dog as a family or go out for ice cream. I still enjoy watching him work, we hold hands every night as we relax in front of the tv before bed, we never run out of jokes and we eat vietnamese food weekly.
We need longer fairy tales to teach us what real relationships look like when two people agree to love one another, even when it's hard. To show young people what it feels like to get to the other side, stronger, humbler and, more compassionate.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Women
February 20th, 2016
On Saturday, I had my Divorce Diva workshop. We have been meeting monthly for over a year now. We did not meet in January so the last time the participants had seen one another was in December 2015. There was so much joy in the room, it was palpable.
I offer art therapy workshops to various groups of women. I love this work!!!! Just like I read about in Girls on the Edge, girls and women need to connect. There simply isn't anything that replaces that sense of connection for us. In each of my groups, the women are very different from one another. Sometimes I worry that they will fail to connect. However, in every case, no matter who shows up, we all have the same intention, to get together, create, communicate, grow and heal.
The women in the group all share a common experience, whether they work in the same place and I am offering a team building workshop or they are all survivors of abuse, divorced, stressed, at a crossroads in their career or, simply stuck. However, they are at different points in their journey and they have all had very busy lives. What amazes me is the capacity that we have as women for seeing the best in others and feeling compassion for them. Women share their stories to connect with one another and to encourage each other along the way. As the group grows together, they become each other's cheerleaders, reflecting on the progress that each person has achieved.
Unfortunately, women often underestimate their own brilliance and progress. Everyone one else is brave and special but not them. That is another reason group work is powerful. If I as a therapist tell a client that I am blown away with her progress, she may think I am just trying to encourage her. If an entire group of women are mirroring the same message, it lends more credibility.
When I have activities in pairs within groups of women who don't know one another, the women who pair up always have some kind of connection. One of them is trying to leave an abusive husband, the other has left after she was beaten so badly she ended up in hospital. Both women have had miscarriages or they are from the same hometown. I can't explain how they do it, but the women who need to learn from each other, end up together.
Provided they feel safe and accepted, women will discuss anything and everything so we get to know each other intimately. Outside of environments where they are burdened with responsibilities, women will immediately look for ways to enjoy life. They feel light and joyful, the noise level goes up, they are thoroughly enjoying themselves. I love being a part of this.
I will always create opportunities for women to connect, communicate and create together. It is an important aspect of mental health and life satisfaction for them and for me.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
On Saturday, I had my Divorce Diva workshop. We have been meeting monthly for over a year now. We did not meet in January so the last time the participants had seen one another was in December 2015. There was so much joy in the room, it was palpable.
I offer art therapy workshops to various groups of women. I love this work!!!! Just like I read about in Girls on the Edge, girls and women need to connect. There simply isn't anything that replaces that sense of connection for us. In each of my groups, the women are very different from one another. Sometimes I worry that they will fail to connect. However, in every case, no matter who shows up, we all have the same intention, to get together, create, communicate, grow and heal.
The women in the group all share a common experience, whether they work in the same place and I am offering a team building workshop or they are all survivors of abuse, divorced, stressed, at a crossroads in their career or, simply stuck. However, they are at different points in their journey and they have all had very busy lives. What amazes me is the capacity that we have as women for seeing the best in others and feeling compassion for them. Women share their stories to connect with one another and to encourage each other along the way. As the group grows together, they become each other's cheerleaders, reflecting on the progress that each person has achieved.
Unfortunately, women often underestimate their own brilliance and progress. Everyone one else is brave and special but not them. That is another reason group work is powerful. If I as a therapist tell a client that I am blown away with her progress, she may think I am just trying to encourage her. If an entire group of women are mirroring the same message, it lends more credibility.
When I have activities in pairs within groups of women who don't know one another, the women who pair up always have some kind of connection. One of them is trying to leave an abusive husband, the other has left after she was beaten so badly she ended up in hospital. Both women have had miscarriages or they are from the same hometown. I can't explain how they do it, but the women who need to learn from each other, end up together.
Provided they feel safe and accepted, women will discuss anything and everything so we get to know each other intimately. Outside of environments where they are burdened with responsibilities, women will immediately look for ways to enjoy life. They feel light and joyful, the noise level goes up, they are thoroughly enjoying themselves. I love being a part of this.
I will always create opportunities for women to connect, communicate and create together. It is an important aspect of mental health and life satisfaction for them and for me.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 5 February 2016
Interview with a 40+ year old woman-HS
February 5th, 2016
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
40+ Woman-LL
January 26th, 2016
Last night, I had an inspiring conversation with a 46 year old professional woman. LL was excited to celebrate her 40th birthday. It was a positive experience for her. She is not frightened by the aging process. She welcomes it with gratitude. She feels happy to be alive. "Aging is the greatest gift ever and we must celebrate every year, wrinkles and all!"
At 46 years of age, LL is much more confident. She is less concerned with what others think. She fearlessly makes decisions because she learns from her mistakes, they become part of her journey. It's easier to move forward if you know you can't go wrong. She wouldn't change anything about her life because she wouldn't be who she is without each of those experiences.
LL divorced her husband of 20 years when she was 43 years old . She moved away with her sons, within the same neighbourhood, so her youngest could stay in the same school. She believes women suddenly make important decisions in their 40s because when they are younger they are too busy to think about their life. There is so much to do: studies, work, marriage, mothering young children etc. When their children have grown, women start asking questions: Is this it? What do I want? What would I like the next portion of my life to look like? Who would I like to spend the rest of my life with? What do I like or hate about my life right now? She believes hormones also play a role in this because she has noticed a link between anxiety and getting her period. Is it possible that not getting one's period is correlated with more confidence and bolder decisions?
LL supervises many younger women. She recognizes that they think very differently from her. Her advice to teenagers or young women is to "listen to that little voice inside, we all have it. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Stop worrying about what others think. Just accept yourself for who you are.
If you want to change something about your life, just do it". LL is a totally different person now
compared to 20 years ago. If she knew back then what she knows now, her journey would have looked very different. She has learned to love and appreciate herself. She pruned her friendships and realized she often treated her friends better than she treated herself. She would never treat her friends as poorly as she has treated herself in the past.
Her legacy is to teach young women to manage their expectations. They want everything now. They put too much pressure on themselves to have the fancy car, the big house and the impressive job title
at work. LL wishes she could help them understand that everything is temporary. It changes the way you approach life if you perceive it as temporary. Otherwise, you get married and think: This is my life or, you have young children and imagine life will always be this way.
LL has a successful career but she measures her success through her children. She is proud of her sons, aged 17 and 22. They are not perfect but they have survived many challenges and have turned out well. LL is going through a transition right now. She is shifting her focus away from her children
who were her main preoccupation for many years. She admits feeling a little guilty as she states that she wants to focus on herself, to put her oxygen mask on first, not in a selfish way but in order to
restore balance in her life. This shift impacts every aspect of her life. She has a wonderful career but she is eager to become a life coach. She believes it's important to stop and assess your life. It helps you decide where to spend your time and energy.
After her divorce, she was so scared of being alone she was physically, violently sick for weeks. Now she doesn't feel the need to be with someone in order to be happy. She'd love to share her life with someone but she no longer feels dependent on anyone else. She has been dating a new man for eight months and, even though her sons are still important to her, she is preparing for the next phase of her life.
She has an extraordinary network of friends who are very supportive of her. She also has a very active lifestyle. This keeps her heathy and energized. She enjoys biking, skiing, swimming, doing
yoga and meditation. The older she gets, the more physical activity she needs. She likes to challenge herself every year. This year, she plans to complete a triathlon.
Now that she is older and wiser, having lost several friends over the years, she recognizes the importance of not putting off to tomorrow what you can do today. When she was younger, she didn't understand why her father took her mother out for a date every Saturday to socialize with friends. She didn't understand why they had to visit her grandparents so often. Now that her father has progressed to the last stages of Alzheimer's and her mother is diagnosed with Parkinson's, she understands a lot. She hopes to eventually use her wisdom to empower other women through her coaching practice.
It has been a pleasure to interview you. Best of luck!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Last night, I had an inspiring conversation with a 46 year old professional woman. LL was excited to celebrate her 40th birthday. It was a positive experience for her. She is not frightened by the aging process. She welcomes it with gratitude. She feels happy to be alive. "Aging is the greatest gift ever and we must celebrate every year, wrinkles and all!"
At 46 years of age, LL is much more confident. She is less concerned with what others think. She fearlessly makes decisions because she learns from her mistakes, they become part of her journey. It's easier to move forward if you know you can't go wrong. She wouldn't change anything about her life because she wouldn't be who she is without each of those experiences.
LL divorced her husband of 20 years when she was 43 years old . She moved away with her sons, within the same neighbourhood, so her youngest could stay in the same school. She believes women suddenly make important decisions in their 40s because when they are younger they are too busy to think about their life. There is so much to do: studies, work, marriage, mothering young children etc. When their children have grown, women start asking questions: Is this it? What do I want? What would I like the next portion of my life to look like? Who would I like to spend the rest of my life with? What do I like or hate about my life right now? She believes hormones also play a role in this because she has noticed a link between anxiety and getting her period. Is it possible that not getting one's period is correlated with more confidence and bolder decisions?
LL supervises many younger women. She recognizes that they think very differently from her. Her advice to teenagers or young women is to "listen to that little voice inside, we all have it. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Stop worrying about what others think. Just accept yourself for who you are.
If you want to change something about your life, just do it". LL is a totally different person now
compared to 20 years ago. If she knew back then what she knows now, her journey would have looked very different. She has learned to love and appreciate herself. She pruned her friendships and realized she often treated her friends better than she treated herself. She would never treat her friends as poorly as she has treated herself in the past.
Her legacy is to teach young women to manage their expectations. They want everything now. They put too much pressure on themselves to have the fancy car, the big house and the impressive job title
at work. LL wishes she could help them understand that everything is temporary. It changes the way you approach life if you perceive it as temporary. Otherwise, you get married and think: This is my life or, you have young children and imagine life will always be this way.
LL has a successful career but she measures her success through her children. She is proud of her sons, aged 17 and 22. They are not perfect but they have survived many challenges and have turned out well. LL is going through a transition right now. She is shifting her focus away from her children
who were her main preoccupation for many years. She admits feeling a little guilty as she states that she wants to focus on herself, to put her oxygen mask on first, not in a selfish way but in order to
restore balance in her life. This shift impacts every aspect of her life. She has a wonderful career but she is eager to become a life coach. She believes it's important to stop and assess your life. It helps you decide where to spend your time and energy.
After her divorce, she was so scared of being alone she was physically, violently sick for weeks. Now she doesn't feel the need to be with someone in order to be happy. She'd love to share her life with someone but she no longer feels dependent on anyone else. She has been dating a new man for eight months and, even though her sons are still important to her, she is preparing for the next phase of her life.
She has an extraordinary network of friends who are very supportive of her. She also has a very active lifestyle. This keeps her heathy and energized. She enjoys biking, skiing, swimming, doing
yoga and meditation. The older she gets, the more physical activity she needs. She likes to challenge herself every year. This year, she plans to complete a triathlon.
Now that she is older and wiser, having lost several friends over the years, she recognizes the importance of not putting off to tomorrow what you can do today. When she was younger, she didn't understand why her father took her mother out for a date every Saturday to socialize with friends. She didn't understand why they had to visit her grandparents so often. Now that her father has progressed to the last stages of Alzheimer's and her mother is diagnosed with Parkinson's, she understands a lot. She hopes to eventually use her wisdom to empower other women through her coaching practice.
It has been a pleasure to interview you. Best of luck!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 1 January 2016
The Compass
January 1st, 2016
This is an exciting day for me. I have decided to start a new blog. My goal is to blog every day on a variety of topics: motherhood, mental health, physical health, "greening" trends, creativity, a book of the week and, interviews with 40+ year old women. Every week, there will be a post on each of these topics.
Why? I love to write, I do it every day. Also, I love to learn and share what I find out with others. This blog will allow me to accomplish both.
The Compass-I noticed, prior to turning 40, that many of the women around me who had just "celebrated" their 40th birthday were getting divorced, feeling depressed about their age or wanting to run away, to escape, to start over. I was puzzled and a little frightened about what lay ahead for me.
Since my 40th birthday, I have left my 12 year career as a full-time college professor to work from home. This allowed me to put my daughters on the school bus every morning and be present for them at the end of their school day. In theory, I would work from home while they were in school. Sounds ideal doesn't it? However, many clients work during the week so I had to add clients on Saturdays. I offer workshops and meet with individual art therapy clients on Saturdays. I published two children's books and participated in a variety of community projects, wrote meaningful articles for our local newspaper, all good stuff.
What I noticed though was a deep desire for my work to be lucrative. My husband was not exactly on board when I left my position at the college. He recognized that it was a toxic environment, that the commute was stressful and that it cost a lot of money when I worked: babysitting, gas, parking, coffee on campus etc. However, he was not ready to become the main provider for our family. Coming from a low income family, the threat of poverty was very real and scary for him. He runs a successful business and we could survive quite well on his salary alone but I felt that I needed to make money, asap, to reassure him that this was the right decision. I had no doubt that being more present for my children was the right thing to do and that moving away from the stress of my work environment would lead to a better quality of life.
What I didn't anticipate was the blow to my self-esteem when I earned less money. I love my work as an art therapist. When I watch group members grow, change, gain valuable insight and feel supported, I know I am on the right path. When I have a client walk into my studio in pain and leave feeling lighter with a bounce in their step, I feel so grateful for this work. When I bring my workshops to a hospice, the local youth center, the military family resource centre or in schools, I am so happy I could explode! While I am working, I feel fantastic but the gaps between clients create self-doubt. Should I just get a full-time job as a receptionist and do what I love on the weekend? If I get a 9-5 job, who will be here for our children? The need to compensate for the gap in income impacts every aspect of my life and self-concept.
What I am examining in my own life, I see in the lives of many 40+ women. We have lost our compass. At each stage of our life, we have a specific task. We are adding an element to our lives: a career, our own home, a partner, maybe a child or a pet, climbing the ladder at work etc. We are great at caring for our loved ones. Then we reach a point when every category competes for our time, energy and attention. We have a demanding job during the day, plans with our partner after work and a sick child at home. We do our best to be the best employee, mother, spouse, daughter, friend we can be. Our children grow and become more independent, our partner's business is thriving, our workplace changes as do the expectations on us and our parents age.
We wake up during our 40s and realize that we have neglected our own needs. We look in the mirror and notice how much weight we've gained. We read old journal entries and recall our aspirations. We examine our relationships and do some pruning. This is where all the changes happen for women in this age group. There is an awakening. It might make you sad, angry, satisfied, excited, either way, you are motivated to take action.
I have many interests that I wish to explore and share with you. That is what this blog is all about. This is an opportunity for me to expand my horizons, satisfy my curiosity and connect with others. Reading about and, reporting on various topics will restore the equilibrium in my life. If you would like to read my other blog or learn more about my services, please visit my website: www.artnsoul.org
This is an exciting day for me. I have decided to start a new blog. My goal is to blog every day on a variety of topics: motherhood, mental health, physical health, "greening" trends, creativity, a book of the week and, interviews with 40+ year old women. Every week, there will be a post on each of these topics.
Why? I love to write, I do it every day. Also, I love to learn and share what I find out with others. This blog will allow me to accomplish both.
The Compass-I noticed, prior to turning 40, that many of the women around me who had just "celebrated" their 40th birthday were getting divorced, feeling depressed about their age or wanting to run away, to escape, to start over. I was puzzled and a little frightened about what lay ahead for me.
Since my 40th birthday, I have left my 12 year career as a full-time college professor to work from home. This allowed me to put my daughters on the school bus every morning and be present for them at the end of their school day. In theory, I would work from home while they were in school. Sounds ideal doesn't it? However, many clients work during the week so I had to add clients on Saturdays. I offer workshops and meet with individual art therapy clients on Saturdays. I published two children's books and participated in a variety of community projects, wrote meaningful articles for our local newspaper, all good stuff.
What I noticed though was a deep desire for my work to be lucrative. My husband was not exactly on board when I left my position at the college. He recognized that it was a toxic environment, that the commute was stressful and that it cost a lot of money when I worked: babysitting, gas, parking, coffee on campus etc. However, he was not ready to become the main provider for our family. Coming from a low income family, the threat of poverty was very real and scary for him. He runs a successful business and we could survive quite well on his salary alone but I felt that I needed to make money, asap, to reassure him that this was the right decision. I had no doubt that being more present for my children was the right thing to do and that moving away from the stress of my work environment would lead to a better quality of life.
What I didn't anticipate was the blow to my self-esteem when I earned less money. I love my work as an art therapist. When I watch group members grow, change, gain valuable insight and feel supported, I know I am on the right path. When I have a client walk into my studio in pain and leave feeling lighter with a bounce in their step, I feel so grateful for this work. When I bring my workshops to a hospice, the local youth center, the military family resource centre or in schools, I am so happy I could explode! While I am working, I feel fantastic but the gaps between clients create self-doubt. Should I just get a full-time job as a receptionist and do what I love on the weekend? If I get a 9-5 job, who will be here for our children? The need to compensate for the gap in income impacts every aspect of my life and self-concept.
What I am examining in my own life, I see in the lives of many 40+ women. We have lost our compass. At each stage of our life, we have a specific task. We are adding an element to our lives: a career, our own home, a partner, maybe a child or a pet, climbing the ladder at work etc. We are great at caring for our loved ones. Then we reach a point when every category competes for our time, energy and attention. We have a demanding job during the day, plans with our partner after work and a sick child at home. We do our best to be the best employee, mother, spouse, daughter, friend we can be. Our children grow and become more independent, our partner's business is thriving, our workplace changes as do the expectations on us and our parents age.
We wake up during our 40s and realize that we have neglected our own needs. We look in the mirror and notice how much weight we've gained. We read old journal entries and recall our aspirations. We examine our relationships and do some pruning. This is where all the changes happen for women in this age group. There is an awakening. It might make you sad, angry, satisfied, excited, either way, you are motivated to take action.
I have many interests that I wish to explore and share with you. That is what this blog is all about. This is an opportunity for me to expand my horizons, satisfy my curiosity and connect with others. Reading about and, reporting on various topics will restore the equilibrium in my life. If you would like to read my other blog or learn more about my services, please visit my website: www.artnsoul.org
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