December 22nd, 2016
Things are much calmer now. My mother-in-law has arrived and I no longer spend so much time cleaning and preparing the house. Now, I just hang out, make tea, cook and chat. I can do that.
Yesterday, we went to the school to hear our eldest daughter sing in the Christmas concert. She handed out gifts to her teachers with a huge smile on her face. It warmed my heart to watch her light up. She has awesome teachers, she loves them so much and it felt good to acknowledge how important they are to her. Later, we all went to the Merry Memories evening at the school where they do crafts and games in every room. It was nice to see the teachers interacting with the students. They have the best staff at that school, really devoted people.
I felt pretty organized this year. The house was getting de-cluttered and cleaned and I purchased or ordered the gifts well in advance. We each get two gifts but then I buy an extra gift from each of our daughters for my husband, my mother and my mother-in-law. As for our daughters, there is always the gift from Santa. They open that one first. I thoroughly enjoy the whole Santa ritual; a plate of cookies, some milk, oats for the deer etc. Then in the morning, their faces light up as they see presents under the tree. Santa's gift is always wrapped in brown paper. Magic!
I thought for sure our eldest would stop believing by now but she is still excited about Saint-Nick. A few years ago, my husband tucked a piece of red felt in the door. It was a torn bit from our tree skirt. He told our eldest that Santa must have torn his coat. Our daughter's eyes were wide open and she held her breath. She kept that piece of felt in her hands for days. It ended up on her "no touching shelf".
This year, our daughters' requests for Santa were quite specific and they only wrote one thing on their list. I ordered them on amazon on Dec. 3rd. They were due on December 12th. I picked up the one parcel on December 15th. The other one was nowhere in sight. I checked its status on Amazon and noticed that the delivery date was now estimated as December 26th. I panicked. I contacted Amazon then the seller. The seller's response was not impressive: "Deal with Amazon cause we didn't process that order". Amazon didn't even respond to my comment.
Now I am in a tough situation. My girls believe a magical Santa has received their request and will deliver their gifts on time. I only have one gift and it's too late to order the doll from elsewhere. I can't have Santa only deliver one parcel. What do I tell my girls if I give neither of them their gift from Santa? How do I explain this?
I am so disappointed and frustrated. I ordered early, I paid extra to get the item shipped and delivered on time and, apparently someone who orders it on December 21st could receive it by December 23rd. I visited my Amazon account page to take a photo of the item and e-mail it to my husband. He was heading over to Ogdensburg, NY in the US. I thought they might have this doll there. I was shocked to see them advertising that it wasn't too late to get the doll in time for Christmas. Apparently, you would order it on December 21st and receive it by December 23rd.
So, I would not be surprised if this was the last year that both our daughters believe in Santa. Thank you Amazon for creating all this stress and doing nothing about it. You have messed up our last year of magic. If any of you have suggestions on how to keep them believing despite the lack of gifts, I would love to hear them.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Thursday, 22 December 2016
Thursday, 8 December 2016
When Mama Needs a Break
December 8th, 2016
I have been reading, Leave Me, by Gayle Forman. This novel tells the story of a woman in her 40s who suffers a heart attack. She is in denial, pushing through her symptoms until her discomfort frightens her. Even after she is told that what she experienced is a heart attack, she refuses to believe it. It can’t be, she is too busy, can’t fit it into her schedule. This can’t be happening to her. This is all too common among women who put themselves last. They think they will go to the doctor’s when they have time but that time never comes.
She is sent home for some respite and finds that she is thrown back into the chaos of life with twin, over scheduled, school-aged children. She has always been the planner, the organizer, the responsible one. Her children, her husband and even her mother all depend on her for strength and leadership. When she realizes that her heart will never heal amidst the stress of her home life, she decides to run away.
I think we have all faced that desire to flee at some point in our journey as mothers. Most of the book describes the new life she develops in Pittsburg. I don’t read many novels but I truly enjoyed this one. As I interview moms for my own book, I hear many stories from overwhelmed moms who are struggling to balance their many responsibilities. Simply booking our interview appointments can be a challenge. I am only available on weekdays while my daughters are in school. I might insert a few interviews on Saturday when my mother comes to watch the children but I generally save that time for my girls. These moms may work during the day or only be available one day a week. Add to that the snow days, PD days, sick days (their children or mine) and you can see how this becomes a challenge.
On Monday, the school buses were not cancelled but I kept my daughters home. The roads did not look friendly to me. There were many accidents on the icy road. I felt grateful that I could be at home with my girls. Once upon a time when I worked as a college professor, I couldn’t have made that decision and, I would be on that icy road commuting to and from campus. I wasn’t able to blog on Monday. My daughters kept me busy.
On Tuesday, I was determined to get my post in before the end of the day. I went out for Christmas shopping with my husband in the morning. He had been shopping online as well. As we returned to the house, I sat at the computer and realized the battery was dead. I plugged it in and got more items off my to-do list. I checked on the computer and it still hadn’t charged. Apparently this is an issue with the latest MAC products. My husband needed the computer to confirm appointments. We checked different outlets and still couldn’t get it to charge. The girls would be home soon. I promised myself to post on the Wednesday, for sure. The computer was charging, finally so no problem.
On Wednesday, I checked that the computer was charged first thing in the morning. It was, oh joy! I took a shower and sat at the desk. My husband had reset the computer and downloaded upgrades in order to decrease the amount of time required to charge the battery. As a result, we had to log in to all our programs. He couldn’t check his order status on Amazon and I couldn’t blog because neither of us knew our passwords. When you go nearly a year of simply opening programs, you get out of the habit of typing your password. I knew I had written it down somewhere. If I could just remember where. Last night, I searched my phone and iPad’s notepads and I found it. So here I am, back on track.
What I’ve learned from other moms is how common it is for us to feel like failures because, even though we are constantly working on something, we don’t feel that we accomplish anything. We end up feeling like a mediocre mom, employee, wife, woman despite our best efforts to be the best mom, employee, wife and woman. There is comfort in the realization that we are not alone, that we are humans and were not designed to be everything to everyone.
If you are a frazzled mom, reading this and nodding knowingly, take a moment today to do something for yourself. Self-care is how you survive and no it’s not selfish, you can’t be your best when you’re running on empty. Here are some ideas based on my own preferences. If you don’t like my list, please create your own.
1-Stop in your favourite coffee shop and get your favourite treat (green tea latte, americano, peanut butter cookie etc).
2-Borrow a book from the library that you can read before bed or at lunch time. If you’re not sure what to read, ask about the library staff’s favourite picks.
3-Soak in a bubble bath with candles and music
4-Sort through your CDs and select a few favourites to listen to on your way to work or just driving around
5-Go for a walk, not to go anywhere in particular, just to get some fresh air, bring the dog if you have one
6-Call someone you’d like to connect with even if you only have ten minutes
7-Pick up a prepared meal instead of making one from scratch and use the extra time to relax or spend quality time with loved ones
8-Prepare a facial with whatever you have in the house (avocado, egg whites, honey, mayonnaise?)
9-Dance around the house to your favourite music
10-Rent a movie or find one on Netflix that all of you could watch together as a family
Enjoy!
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 14 July 2016
Why Do We Clean?
July 14th, 2016
Last night, I was too exhausted to type so I didn't blog. I am feeling pretty tired again this evening but I didn't want to skip two nights in a row. Why do I crave my bed by 9pm when I have put my daughters to bed? Cleaning!
You see, my mother-in-law is coming over for two weeks. She lives in England and I have never met her. We started using Face Time to communicate so I have seen her face and we have interacted for short periods of time but a whole two weeks in the same house is a bit scary.
I remember my mother cleaning frantically whenever people came over. We would rush around, stowing piles of clothing, books, paperwork etc into closets, praying that no one would open them. We would vacuum everywhere and dust all surfaces. It was so stressful.
I don't generally keep the house spotless. I de-clutter and clean the essential areas-washrooms, kitchen and bedding. I sweep every day because our dog and cat shed, leaving tumbleweeds of fur rolling around the wooden floor. Otherwise, my home is cozy and hygienic but no one would nominate me for a good housekeeping award.
When people come over, (we have people over a lot), I check the washrooms to ensure they are clean and I give the floors a good sweep so our guests don't go home with tufts of fur attached to their socks. That's it! I figure people come over to see us, not inspect our home.
This time is different. There's something about meeting your mother-in-law that is intimidating. I don't know why that is. She seems really sweet and, from what my husband tells me, she didn't like cleaning the house either so she'll understand. So, I have been cleaning the house thoroughly. When you are exposed to the dirt in your home all the time, you stop noticing it. I had to step back and see our home with fresh eyes.
One of the biggest challenges to keeping our home clean is that my children, husband and pets are messy. There are toys, tools and fur all over the place. There is only one of me so it feels like there is no point in trying to clean the house, no matter how much progress is made, I turn around and there is more work to be done. Today, I was cleaning the patio door windows. I had cleaned the inside and stepped outside to clean the other side. I sprayed the entire window and my dog decided to come and see what I was doing. She followed my paper towel as I wiped and I watched in horror as she licked the inside of the window-the one I had just washed. I had to laugh.
I spent one month just de-cluttering-tools in the basement, receipts on my husband's dresser, toys in a giveaway bag or in our daughters' rooms. Then I created a master list and started working on one section at a time. The hood fan over the stove was the worst-greasy and sticky, yuk!
As much as I hate cleaning, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction when you can look around the room and it is spacious and neat. I enjoy organizing items so they each have a place. In the past, I have created nooks for the girls to draw as well as reading areas but, they turn any cute, organized area into a war zone. I have learned my lesson and now, every time I have to clean an area that they have cluttered, I donate most of the items away. This simplifies their environment and makes it harder for them to trash it.
As I cleaned today, I wondered what I am trying to prove. Initially, I was telling myself that I just wanted my mother-in-law to be comfortable. However, will cleaning and ironing the curtains really make a big difference? Am I trying to pretend that I am a great home maker? That would be a lie. I suck at cleaning. I am much more interested in living in our home and enjoying my family. So, I have no answer. I don't know why I am putting so much effort into cleaning our home. I do want my mother-in-law to feel welcome and comfortable. It may be as simple as that.
I have three more days to prepare. I feel pretty good. I can't wait for her to get here so we can finally just enjoy our time together and get to know each other. I will not be blogging while she is here from July 17th to July 31st, 2016. We have so many exciting activities planned for her visit. I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about after our vacation.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Last night, I was too exhausted to type so I didn't blog. I am feeling pretty tired again this evening but I didn't want to skip two nights in a row. Why do I crave my bed by 9pm when I have put my daughters to bed? Cleaning!
You see, my mother-in-law is coming over for two weeks. She lives in England and I have never met her. We started using Face Time to communicate so I have seen her face and we have interacted for short periods of time but a whole two weeks in the same house is a bit scary.
I remember my mother cleaning frantically whenever people came over. We would rush around, stowing piles of clothing, books, paperwork etc into closets, praying that no one would open them. We would vacuum everywhere and dust all surfaces. It was so stressful.
I don't generally keep the house spotless. I de-clutter and clean the essential areas-washrooms, kitchen and bedding. I sweep every day because our dog and cat shed, leaving tumbleweeds of fur rolling around the wooden floor. Otherwise, my home is cozy and hygienic but no one would nominate me for a good housekeeping award.
When people come over, (we have people over a lot), I check the washrooms to ensure they are clean and I give the floors a good sweep so our guests don't go home with tufts of fur attached to their socks. That's it! I figure people come over to see us, not inspect our home.
This time is different. There's something about meeting your mother-in-law that is intimidating. I don't know why that is. She seems really sweet and, from what my husband tells me, she didn't like cleaning the house either so she'll understand. So, I have been cleaning the house thoroughly. When you are exposed to the dirt in your home all the time, you stop noticing it. I had to step back and see our home with fresh eyes.
One of the biggest challenges to keeping our home clean is that my children, husband and pets are messy. There are toys, tools and fur all over the place. There is only one of me so it feels like there is no point in trying to clean the house, no matter how much progress is made, I turn around and there is more work to be done. Today, I was cleaning the patio door windows. I had cleaned the inside and stepped outside to clean the other side. I sprayed the entire window and my dog decided to come and see what I was doing. She followed my paper towel as I wiped and I watched in horror as she licked the inside of the window-the one I had just washed. I had to laugh.
I spent one month just de-cluttering-tools in the basement, receipts on my husband's dresser, toys in a giveaway bag or in our daughters' rooms. Then I created a master list and started working on one section at a time. The hood fan over the stove was the worst-greasy and sticky, yuk!
As much as I hate cleaning, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction when you can look around the room and it is spacious and neat. I enjoy organizing items so they each have a place. In the past, I have created nooks for the girls to draw as well as reading areas but, they turn any cute, organized area into a war zone. I have learned my lesson and now, every time I have to clean an area that they have cluttered, I donate most of the items away. This simplifies their environment and makes it harder for them to trash it.
As I cleaned today, I wondered what I am trying to prove. Initially, I was telling myself that I just wanted my mother-in-law to be comfortable. However, will cleaning and ironing the curtains really make a big difference? Am I trying to pretend that I am a great home maker? That would be a lie. I suck at cleaning. I am much more interested in living in our home and enjoying my family. So, I have no answer. I don't know why I am putting so much effort into cleaning our home. I do want my mother-in-law to feel welcome and comfortable. It may be as simple as that.
I have three more days to prepare. I feel pretty good. I can't wait for her to get here so we can finally just enjoy our time together and get to know each other. I will not be blogging while she is here from July 17th to July 31st, 2016. We have so many exciting activities planned for her visit. I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about after our vacation.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 7 July 2016
Headspace
July 7th, 2016
A while back, I learned about a new app called Headspace. It was free. I had committed to practising mindfulness and this app was a great tool to get me started. Headspace provides 10 sessions lasting 10 minutes each. You are introduced to breathing, noticing sensations, accepting and releasing thoughts and, connecting to your inner stillness-the space between the thoughts.
I have struggled to meditate for years. I have these great intentions but it's hard to be undisturbed for ten minutes and I'm never sure if I am doing it right. I don't feel comfortable sitting with my spine straight (like someone is pulling a string from the top of my head). I decided to meditate lying down but I always fell asleep.
Headspace allowed me to devote a small amount of time every day to calming my mind. I wondered if ten minutes would be long enough to make any difference. I started noticing changes from day to day. My mind was more focused and my breath was getting deeper. I could also see a crossover between the acceptance of whatever thoughts and emotions came up during meditation and my general acceptance of things as they were in my regular life.
When the ten day trial was over, I had the option to purchase more sessions. I didn't. What I did was continue to listen to the first ten trial sessions over and over again. You still have access to them and there is no limit to how many times you play them. I don't feel the need to graduate to a more advanced level. Repeating the basics: breathe, notice sounds around you, feel your connection to the chair and the floor, focus on sensations in your body, see the thoughts ebb and flow, let them go, keep breathing are good enough for me.
My eldest daughter has been experiencing more anxiety at bed time. I used to play a hypnosis cd at night with messages of empowerment and self-esteem. She loved listening to the hypnotist and always drifted off within five minutes. We played the cd every night, it got well used and I needed to replace it every year. The last time I contacted the hypnotist for a replacement cd, she didn't respond. My daughter said it was ok. She had outgrown it. She was fine for over a year. Lately, however, she has not been able to drift to sleep on her own. Sometimes I have massage her back or read her inspirational stories. She also just likes to talk about her life. She asks; "Can we talk mama?". I generally say yes unless she has stayed up too late.
A few nights ago, I suggested she listen to Headspace. I have it on my iPhone and I listen to it with headphones before bed. She resisted the idea at first, she said it sounded lame. When I offered to listen to it with her, she decided to give it a try. By the time the ten minutes were up, she had drifted to sleep. I plucked the ear bud out of her ear (I was wearing one and she was wearing the other) and she didn't even wake up. Now she asks for it. She likes how relaxed she feels after only ten minutes. I suspect that she will eventually fall asleep before the ten minutes are up after a week or so. The Headspace man's voice will become a cue for sleep and relaxation.
If you have always wanted to try meditation, give this app a try. It has worked for me and is now helping my ten year old daughter get some rest.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
A while back, I learned about a new app called Headspace. It was free. I had committed to practising mindfulness and this app was a great tool to get me started. Headspace provides 10 sessions lasting 10 minutes each. You are introduced to breathing, noticing sensations, accepting and releasing thoughts and, connecting to your inner stillness-the space between the thoughts.
I have struggled to meditate for years. I have these great intentions but it's hard to be undisturbed for ten minutes and I'm never sure if I am doing it right. I don't feel comfortable sitting with my spine straight (like someone is pulling a string from the top of my head). I decided to meditate lying down but I always fell asleep.
Headspace allowed me to devote a small amount of time every day to calming my mind. I wondered if ten minutes would be long enough to make any difference. I started noticing changes from day to day. My mind was more focused and my breath was getting deeper. I could also see a crossover between the acceptance of whatever thoughts and emotions came up during meditation and my general acceptance of things as they were in my regular life.
When the ten day trial was over, I had the option to purchase more sessions. I didn't. What I did was continue to listen to the first ten trial sessions over and over again. You still have access to them and there is no limit to how many times you play them. I don't feel the need to graduate to a more advanced level. Repeating the basics: breathe, notice sounds around you, feel your connection to the chair and the floor, focus on sensations in your body, see the thoughts ebb and flow, let them go, keep breathing are good enough for me.
My eldest daughter has been experiencing more anxiety at bed time. I used to play a hypnosis cd at night with messages of empowerment and self-esteem. She loved listening to the hypnotist and always drifted off within five minutes. We played the cd every night, it got well used and I needed to replace it every year. The last time I contacted the hypnotist for a replacement cd, she didn't respond. My daughter said it was ok. She had outgrown it. She was fine for over a year. Lately, however, she has not been able to drift to sleep on her own. Sometimes I have massage her back or read her inspirational stories. She also just likes to talk about her life. She asks; "Can we talk mama?". I generally say yes unless she has stayed up too late.
A few nights ago, I suggested she listen to Headspace. I have it on my iPhone and I listen to it with headphones before bed. She resisted the idea at first, she said it sounded lame. When I offered to listen to it with her, she decided to give it a try. By the time the ten minutes were up, she had drifted to sleep. I plucked the ear bud out of her ear (I was wearing one and she was wearing the other) and she didn't even wake up. Now she asks for it. She likes how relaxed she feels after only ten minutes. I suspect that she will eventually fall asleep before the ten minutes are up after a week or so. The Headspace man's voice will become a cue for sleep and relaxation.
If you have always wanted to try meditation, give this app a try. It has worked for me and is now helping my ten year old daughter get some rest.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 30 June 2016
Butt Weight-There's More
June 30th, 2016
I need to apologize right off the bat for my title. It's self-indulgent and silly but I just had to do it. You see, the topic for today is my weight. I am puzzled by my own behaviours. Right now, I am eating some BBQ chips as I type. As I reach for the bag, leftovers from the girls' sleepover party, I know it is not a healthy food choice and yet here I am. What is even more surprising is how many times throughout the day my brain reminded me that I really need to resume my exercise routine and eat healthy. I had loads of veggies and fruit earlier today, more leftovers from the party.
In 18 days, my mother-in-law will fly from England to Canada to meet the girls and I for the first time. Can there be any more motivation? I want to have a healthy weight and fit into my pretty dresses when she visits. I also want to feel fit and energized so I can keep up with my girls this summer. So, why am I eating chips? Why have I dumped the gym? Why is my workbook detailing all the exercises I can do at home still in the car? I don't know!
This is not a post with advice for you. There is no story about how I turned it all around and ended up on a beauty pageant. This is an exploration of what the heck is going on. It baffles me. I have always been skinny. For most of my life my body looked very much like a stick figure, no bumps or curves just one straight line. When I got pregnant with my first and my body got voluptuous I was ecstatic. I looked and felt like a woman. I walked every day because there were sidewalks where I lived at the time and there were places within walking distance. I could get groceries, do some banking or grab a Tim's before heading home. After my second pregnancy, we lived out here where there are no sidewalks, nothing is within walking distance and I knew no one. I mainly sat on the floor to play with my eldest or sat on the couch to breastfeed. I shed some of the weight but the stress in my life led to my midsection staying bigger than the rest of my body.
This worries me because carrying more weight in your midsection is correlated with a higher risk of many illnesses including heart disease, stroke and diabetes. I want to live. I still have so much to do. I love my daughters and want to see them grow up and be a part of their lives. I know what to do to lose weight: eat more veggies and healthy protein, drink more water and less coffee, cut out sugar, processed food, limit my grain intake and exercise three times weekly.
I buy the green tea, the lemons and the veggies. I eat really well then I panic. Why? I am so hungry! I always hit this point where I am starving and I can't find anything to eat that is ok and satisfying. I love salad! I can make really good ones but I need to buy the ingredients and because they are fresh I may not get more than two days out of them. Also, even a succulent salad can be boring after a week. So I give up, I give in and I go back to eating whatever is available. I know I am not alone.
The sad thing is I love my body. I am strong, I have fantastic genes and I have been through some pretty stressful times. My body has pulled through for me. I am so grateful to my body. I did a meditation the other day. I sent love to every cell in my body and felt love flowing through me. I pledged to take better care of my body. I meant it.
So why am I eating BBQ chips? Good question. If you struggle with your weight, have successfully lost weight or know the answer to this question, I would love to hear from you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
I need to apologize right off the bat for my title. It's self-indulgent and silly but I just had to do it. You see, the topic for today is my weight. I am puzzled by my own behaviours. Right now, I am eating some BBQ chips as I type. As I reach for the bag, leftovers from the girls' sleepover party, I know it is not a healthy food choice and yet here I am. What is even more surprising is how many times throughout the day my brain reminded me that I really need to resume my exercise routine and eat healthy. I had loads of veggies and fruit earlier today, more leftovers from the party.
In 18 days, my mother-in-law will fly from England to Canada to meet the girls and I for the first time. Can there be any more motivation? I want to have a healthy weight and fit into my pretty dresses when she visits. I also want to feel fit and energized so I can keep up with my girls this summer. So, why am I eating chips? Why have I dumped the gym? Why is my workbook detailing all the exercises I can do at home still in the car? I don't know!
This is not a post with advice for you. There is no story about how I turned it all around and ended up on a beauty pageant. This is an exploration of what the heck is going on. It baffles me. I have always been skinny. For most of my life my body looked very much like a stick figure, no bumps or curves just one straight line. When I got pregnant with my first and my body got voluptuous I was ecstatic. I looked and felt like a woman. I walked every day because there were sidewalks where I lived at the time and there were places within walking distance. I could get groceries, do some banking or grab a Tim's before heading home. After my second pregnancy, we lived out here where there are no sidewalks, nothing is within walking distance and I knew no one. I mainly sat on the floor to play with my eldest or sat on the couch to breastfeed. I shed some of the weight but the stress in my life led to my midsection staying bigger than the rest of my body.
This worries me because carrying more weight in your midsection is correlated with a higher risk of many illnesses including heart disease, stroke and diabetes. I want to live. I still have so much to do. I love my daughters and want to see them grow up and be a part of their lives. I know what to do to lose weight: eat more veggies and healthy protein, drink more water and less coffee, cut out sugar, processed food, limit my grain intake and exercise three times weekly.
I buy the green tea, the lemons and the veggies. I eat really well then I panic. Why? I am so hungry! I always hit this point where I am starving and I can't find anything to eat that is ok and satisfying. I love salad! I can make really good ones but I need to buy the ingredients and because they are fresh I may not get more than two days out of them. Also, even a succulent salad can be boring after a week. So I give up, I give in and I go back to eating whatever is available. I know I am not alone.
The sad thing is I love my body. I am strong, I have fantastic genes and I have been through some pretty stressful times. My body has pulled through for me. I am so grateful to my body. I did a meditation the other day. I sent love to every cell in my body and felt love flowing through me. I pledged to take better care of my body. I meant it.
So why am I eating BBQ chips? Good question. If you struggle with your weight, have successfully lost weight or know the answer to this question, I would love to hear from you.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 23 June 2016
Your Inner Alien
June 23rd, 2016
Tomorrow, I am offering a Have You Hugged Your Alien? workshop at a nearby school for a class of grade 4 students. One comment I have heard from teachers and volunteer parents at my workshops in the past is that we need one of these workshops for adults. I have tailored my workshops to elementary school children so I'd have to change my language but I think it's a good idea.
In my book for children, the alien is the part of us that emerges when we are upset-it feels foreign to us. You do something you later regret and you wonder why you did that. It seemed like a good idea in the heat of the moment but you see more clearly once the intensity has passed. While you are upset, you watch your own behaviour as an observer and you are just as shocked as everyone else by what happens every step of the way. Your actions are not only unpredictable but they seem unstoppable.
After I have read the book, each student creates a representation of their inner alien out of clay. It is really fascinating to see the many interpretations of this directive. Students get really attached to their alien.
The main message of my book is that it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions, it's part of being a human being living your life. However, the choices you make when you are experiencing difficult emotions can get you in trouble. Parents or teachers ask you: "What came over you? What were you thinking?" They may also say: "This is so unlike you. You know better than this". You agree with them sheepishly and promise that it will never happen again but you don't know how it happened in the first place and you doubt you could react differently in the future.
Here is a glimpse into what I have learned so far-an explanation of the process that gets us into trouble. Our primitive or reptilian brain is located at the back of the head. It is an old part of the brain that looks after our survival. When we were cave people and we needed to survive, the reptilian brain helped us decide really quickly whether to fight (let's take this animal down together and eat it) or flee (dinosaur...run!). Our body gets a surge of energy to fight or run as fast as we can. However, it is not helpful to analyze the situation because, if you don't make a quick decision and act on it, you will die. That is why the activation of our primitive brain shuts down our pre-frontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is located at the front of the brain. It has developed over time and it is very smart. It helps us make good decisions. When this part of the brain shuts down, we make poor choices. At this point, children get very excited. If their brains are unable to make good choices while they are upset then surely their behaviour is not their fault. Wrong! While we can't control when our reptilian brain will take over or when our prefrontal cortex will take a break, we can learn a few tools to help us stay out of trouble.
I learned a few years ago that, when we have a negative emotional reaction, it cycles through our system for 90 seconds-that's it. If our response lasts less than a minute, it becomes much more manageable. The question doesn't become: How do I prevent myself from responding to negative events or conflicts? It becomes: What can I do during that 90 seconds to help my body use the excess energy of the reptilian brain? We used to need the surge in energy to fight predators or run away and hide but we don't need to hunt or defend ourselves against nature anymore. Having that much energy is like sitting on a wild stallion when you've never ridden a horse. You are not able to control it.
We can look at animals for inspiration. How do they release excess energy? If you have a dog, you have probably noticed that, when it gets frustrated, it stretches and makes a weird yawn with a high pitch sound. If it is really worked up, it will run like crazy throughout the house until it has calmed down. The cat stretches its back and hisses. The elephant raises its trunk, makes noise and flaps its ears. The horse stomps its hooves, neighs and shakes its head. The lion roars as it shakes its mane. The bear beats its chest and roars. Each animal uses either the voice, movement or breath to release energy. We can access these tools as well.
I ask the students to think about where they are in general when they are upset. Does it happen more at home or at school, inside or outside and who is involved? They usually know their pattern. I ask them to imagine how they could use their voice, breath and movement to feel better. I demonstrate exhales, stretches, saying: "I am so angry" or simply letting out a sound "URGH", running around if they are outside or tightening and releasing their muscles, wiggling the tension out or stomping their feet. They create a Coping Card where they draw themselves applying their new strategy to stay calm.Teachers can post these drawings on a classroom wall as a gentle reminder that there are other ways to respond to difficult feelings.
Then I address the fact that we often end up upset for longer than 90 seconds. That is because we have this great imagination and we tend to make up a story about our life that we hold onto and that serves as a reset button-triggering another 90 seconds of anger. As long as your mind remains focused on the story, you will keep triggering a new response. When animals are upset and they release the energy, they move on. We don't. I ask students to sum up their story in one sentence. Then I hand out an image of a flying saucer and I have them write the story on this flying saucer. Together, we visualize the saucer moving further away from us as we exhale until it disappears. Being aware of one's story is helpful. It helps us challenge it next time we are upset. Is this true or am I just upset? That way we can limit our reaction time to 90 seconds and move on.
I have been offering these workshops for just over a year now and I love watching the students' reactions to this information, their excitement as they create their alien and their interactions with their parents and teachers after the workshop where they use the alien metaphor to get support when they are getting overwhelmed. Parents report that their child will say they feel their alien stirring or teachers tell me students suggest strategies to each other. I love this work! If you are an adult and you wish to apply this to your own life, you can make it relevant for yourself as well.
1-Next time you are upset, remind yourself that you only have to keep it together for 90 seconds
2-Exhale hard, tense and release your muscles, tell people you are upset and you need a minute
3-Recognize your story, write it down and start to challenge it. Is it true? Find proof that it is false
4-Notice where you are when you get upset and who is with you
5-Tailor your strategy for that environment (Are you indoors/outside, at work or at home?)
6-If you are normally with them same person every time you are upset, examine what it is about this person that leads to frustration. Is there anything within your control that you can do?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tomorrow, I am offering a Have You Hugged Your Alien? workshop at a nearby school for a class of grade 4 students. One comment I have heard from teachers and volunteer parents at my workshops in the past is that we need one of these workshops for adults. I have tailored my workshops to elementary school children so I'd have to change my language but I think it's a good idea.
In my book for children, the alien is the part of us that emerges when we are upset-it feels foreign to us. You do something you later regret and you wonder why you did that. It seemed like a good idea in the heat of the moment but you see more clearly once the intensity has passed. While you are upset, you watch your own behaviour as an observer and you are just as shocked as everyone else by what happens every step of the way. Your actions are not only unpredictable but they seem unstoppable.
After I have read the book, each student creates a representation of their inner alien out of clay. It is really fascinating to see the many interpretations of this directive. Students get really attached to their alien.
The main message of my book is that it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions, it's part of being a human being living your life. However, the choices you make when you are experiencing difficult emotions can get you in trouble. Parents or teachers ask you: "What came over you? What were you thinking?" They may also say: "This is so unlike you. You know better than this". You agree with them sheepishly and promise that it will never happen again but you don't know how it happened in the first place and you doubt you could react differently in the future.
Here is a glimpse into what I have learned so far-an explanation of the process that gets us into trouble. Our primitive or reptilian brain is located at the back of the head. It is an old part of the brain that looks after our survival. When we were cave people and we needed to survive, the reptilian brain helped us decide really quickly whether to fight (let's take this animal down together and eat it) or flee (dinosaur...run!). Our body gets a surge of energy to fight or run as fast as we can. However, it is not helpful to analyze the situation because, if you don't make a quick decision and act on it, you will die. That is why the activation of our primitive brain shuts down our pre-frontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is located at the front of the brain. It has developed over time and it is very smart. It helps us make good decisions. When this part of the brain shuts down, we make poor choices. At this point, children get very excited. If their brains are unable to make good choices while they are upset then surely their behaviour is not their fault. Wrong! While we can't control when our reptilian brain will take over or when our prefrontal cortex will take a break, we can learn a few tools to help us stay out of trouble.
I learned a few years ago that, when we have a negative emotional reaction, it cycles through our system for 90 seconds-that's it. If our response lasts less than a minute, it becomes much more manageable. The question doesn't become: How do I prevent myself from responding to negative events or conflicts? It becomes: What can I do during that 90 seconds to help my body use the excess energy of the reptilian brain? We used to need the surge in energy to fight predators or run away and hide but we don't need to hunt or defend ourselves against nature anymore. Having that much energy is like sitting on a wild stallion when you've never ridden a horse. You are not able to control it.
We can look at animals for inspiration. How do they release excess energy? If you have a dog, you have probably noticed that, when it gets frustrated, it stretches and makes a weird yawn with a high pitch sound. If it is really worked up, it will run like crazy throughout the house until it has calmed down. The cat stretches its back and hisses. The elephant raises its trunk, makes noise and flaps its ears. The horse stomps its hooves, neighs and shakes its head. The lion roars as it shakes its mane. The bear beats its chest and roars. Each animal uses either the voice, movement or breath to release energy. We can access these tools as well.
I ask the students to think about where they are in general when they are upset. Does it happen more at home or at school, inside or outside and who is involved? They usually know their pattern. I ask them to imagine how they could use their voice, breath and movement to feel better. I demonstrate exhales, stretches, saying: "I am so angry" or simply letting out a sound "URGH", running around if they are outside or tightening and releasing their muscles, wiggling the tension out or stomping their feet. They create a Coping Card where they draw themselves applying their new strategy to stay calm.Teachers can post these drawings on a classroom wall as a gentle reminder that there are other ways to respond to difficult feelings.
Then I address the fact that we often end up upset for longer than 90 seconds. That is because we have this great imagination and we tend to make up a story about our life that we hold onto and that serves as a reset button-triggering another 90 seconds of anger. As long as your mind remains focused on the story, you will keep triggering a new response. When animals are upset and they release the energy, they move on. We don't. I ask students to sum up their story in one sentence. Then I hand out an image of a flying saucer and I have them write the story on this flying saucer. Together, we visualize the saucer moving further away from us as we exhale until it disappears. Being aware of one's story is helpful. It helps us challenge it next time we are upset. Is this true or am I just upset? That way we can limit our reaction time to 90 seconds and move on.
I have been offering these workshops for just over a year now and I love watching the students' reactions to this information, their excitement as they create their alien and their interactions with their parents and teachers after the workshop where they use the alien metaphor to get support when they are getting overwhelmed. Parents report that their child will say they feel their alien stirring or teachers tell me students suggest strategies to each other. I love this work! If you are an adult and you wish to apply this to your own life, you can make it relevant for yourself as well.
1-Next time you are upset, remind yourself that you only have to keep it together for 90 seconds
2-Exhale hard, tense and release your muscles, tell people you are upset and you need a minute
3-Recognize your story, write it down and start to challenge it. Is it true? Find proof that it is false
4-Notice where you are when you get upset and who is with you
5-Tailor your strategy for that environment (Are you indoors/outside, at work or at home?)
6-If you are normally with them same person every time you are upset, examine what it is about this person that leads to frustration. Is there anything within your control that you can do?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Anxiety
February 16th, 2016
Anxiety is on the rise, among men and women and, noticeably, in children and teenagers. I meet with many women who suffer from crippling levels of anxiety but their loved ones have no idea. They hide their anxiety or numb it with pills and alcohol. They think there is something wrong with them. "Why am I so anxious? I've always been the strong one. What is wrong with me?"
Each person perceives the anxiety to be a personal weakness. They guard this secret and cover it up. The thing is, it's normal to feel anxious. That is, when you are living in a fast-paced, demanding world, multi-tasking and over-scheduling yourself, it is normal to feel anxiety. As adults, we have become accustomed to drinking caffeine in order to keep functioning. We feel tired at the end of the day, rightfully so, but our work isn't over, we still need to prepare for the next day or finish a report.
Children don't have caffeine. They try to keep up with our pace, hurrying into the car, eating on the road, going from swim class to hockey. As they rush around, they feel stressed. They may experience anxiety about getting through homework, managing their many activities, witnessing conflicts between their parents or fighting with siblings. They are also bombarded by images and messages in the media. As they spend time surfing the internet alone, they are exposed to content that is not age-appropriate. They see skinny models and think that is what they are supposed to look like. They start trying to look older. They watch teenager sitcoms and think that is how teenagers are supposed to behave. They try out obnoxious behaviours prematurely in order to feel grown up and fit in. When the pressures accumulate, children and teenagers lash out in anger or in tears. They are overwhelmed.
When I visit classrooms to discuss mental health and stress management, I hear about the various stressors faced by today's children. They are expected to sit in class for hours at a time and learn. However, they may be hungry, stressed, scared or tired. To make things worse, they may not have any adults in their lives to support them and teach them how to deal with their stress. They feel alone. Some schools teach tips to handle their stress and emotions but it is not a priority, it may be one special class or a week of information.
If children look at their parents to learn how to manage stress, they may not be much further ahead. Many of us are overwhelmed as well. We are busy and exhausted, trying to juggle all responsibilities. We may lash out at our children in frustration or from there exhaustion. So what can we do?
1-Prioritize the many activities in our day so we know where to focus our attention and energy
2-Reduce the amount of items on our to-do list so it is realistic
3-Assess whether the activities we participate in are meaningful to us and cut down on the amount of demands on our time
4-Make space for uninterrupted family time: no phones, e-mails or tv
5-Slow down and include enjoyment in your day, not just duties and chores
6-Perform a self-care ritual such as reading, meditating, having a bath, going to yoga class
7-Share your stress-management tips with your children: progressive relaxation, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, journalling, art, exercise etc
8-Include friends in your schedule, it's good to go out and talk to your friends
9-Don't over schedule your day or your children's day
10-Talk about the feeling of anxiety with your loved ones, including your children so they are able to talk about their anxiety as well. They can see that they are not alone.
My favourite ways to deal with my stress include going to the gym, having a hot shower, writing in my journal, praying, dancing, singing out loud, drawing or painting. What works with my daughters is playing a relaxation cd when they go to bed, lots of cuddles, making up stories together before bed, petting the animals, drawing and writing stories in their journal and talking about what is worrying them.
Knowing that others experience anxiety, that it will pass, that there are things you can do to help yourself move through the anxiety and that you are supported by loved ones, all helps anxiety feel more manageable.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Anxiety is on the rise, among men and women and, noticeably, in children and teenagers. I meet with many women who suffer from crippling levels of anxiety but their loved ones have no idea. They hide their anxiety or numb it with pills and alcohol. They think there is something wrong with them. "Why am I so anxious? I've always been the strong one. What is wrong with me?"
Each person perceives the anxiety to be a personal weakness. They guard this secret and cover it up. The thing is, it's normal to feel anxious. That is, when you are living in a fast-paced, demanding world, multi-tasking and over-scheduling yourself, it is normal to feel anxiety. As adults, we have become accustomed to drinking caffeine in order to keep functioning. We feel tired at the end of the day, rightfully so, but our work isn't over, we still need to prepare for the next day or finish a report.
Children don't have caffeine. They try to keep up with our pace, hurrying into the car, eating on the road, going from swim class to hockey. As they rush around, they feel stressed. They may experience anxiety about getting through homework, managing their many activities, witnessing conflicts between their parents or fighting with siblings. They are also bombarded by images and messages in the media. As they spend time surfing the internet alone, they are exposed to content that is not age-appropriate. They see skinny models and think that is what they are supposed to look like. They start trying to look older. They watch teenager sitcoms and think that is how teenagers are supposed to behave. They try out obnoxious behaviours prematurely in order to feel grown up and fit in. When the pressures accumulate, children and teenagers lash out in anger or in tears. They are overwhelmed.
When I visit classrooms to discuss mental health and stress management, I hear about the various stressors faced by today's children. They are expected to sit in class for hours at a time and learn. However, they may be hungry, stressed, scared or tired. To make things worse, they may not have any adults in their lives to support them and teach them how to deal with their stress. They feel alone. Some schools teach tips to handle their stress and emotions but it is not a priority, it may be one special class or a week of information.
If children look at their parents to learn how to manage stress, they may not be much further ahead. Many of us are overwhelmed as well. We are busy and exhausted, trying to juggle all responsibilities. We may lash out at our children in frustration or from there exhaustion. So what can we do?
1-Prioritize the many activities in our day so we know where to focus our attention and energy
2-Reduce the amount of items on our to-do list so it is realistic
3-Assess whether the activities we participate in are meaningful to us and cut down on the amount of demands on our time
4-Make space for uninterrupted family time: no phones, e-mails or tv
5-Slow down and include enjoyment in your day, not just duties and chores
6-Perform a self-care ritual such as reading, meditating, having a bath, going to yoga class
7-Share your stress-management tips with your children: progressive relaxation, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, journalling, art, exercise etc
8-Include friends in your schedule, it's good to go out and talk to your friends
9-Don't over schedule your day or your children's day
10-Talk about the feeling of anxiety with your loved ones, including your children so they are able to talk about their anxiety as well. They can see that they are not alone.
My favourite ways to deal with my stress include going to the gym, having a hot shower, writing in my journal, praying, dancing, singing out loud, drawing or painting. What works with my daughters is playing a relaxation cd when they go to bed, lots of cuddles, making up stories together before bed, petting the animals, drawing and writing stories in their journal and talking about what is worrying them.
Knowing that others experience anxiety, that it will pass, that there are things you can do to help yourself move through the anxiety and that you are supported by loved ones, all helps anxiety feel more manageable.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Sunday, 7 February 2016
Self-Care and Asking WHY
February 7th, 2016
I was feeling stuck today. I want to stick to my decision to write every day but I couldn't pick a topic. I decided to write about self-care because it is so important for women to learn to care as much about themselves as they do about others. It is also important for loved ones to see that we value ourselves. It's a reminder to your children that your life is more than just motherhood. It communicates to your partner that you expect to be treated with respect. It lets your boss know that your weekends are off-limits, that you have a life outside of working hours.
I was doing a search last week and I stumbled onto a video by a guy named Simon Sinek. He writes and speaks about leadership. His premise is that companies who don't strive, focus on what they are offering. Companies who succeed communicate why they exist. Between the "what" and the "why" is the "how". This is understanding how you achieve what you set out to do.
These two topics may not seem related but they are. Self-care is not about being selfish. Most of us emulate our earliest role models, women who served others first and put their needs last. Women who felt it was selfish to do something for ourselves. However, it is not selfish at all. If all you do is give to others, you will become depleted and resentful. At that point you won't have the energy to take care of yourself let alone your loved ones. If you had performed some self-care maintenance along the way, your tank would still be full and you would still be going strong.
Here is where the why comes into the equation. For the most part, our lives are out of balance. We act like we are computers. We try to get more done, faster with less breaks. We run around drinking more coffee to keep up the pace. Our schedules are full, the pace is quick and there is no time to waste. Our to-do list are the whats of our life. What do I have to do today? We often don't know how we will get it all done. However, we leave out the why. Just like a successful business starts with why, I feel that a balanced life involves taking a good look at our life and asking why we are doing what we are doing.
Let's begin:
Career
If you are currently employed, why do you work where you work? Be honest with yourself. Is this where you want to work or is it what others expect of you? If you are the busiest person at the office, why is that? Is it because you genuinely love your work and feel energized when you take on new projects or responsibilities? Or, is it because you don't have a life? Or, is it because you desperately want the approval of your boss and/or colleagues? If you find that you do not belong in this line of work and being there is making you sick, ask yourself what you might do instead. Why not try to get work that you love? Take a step each day in the direction of satisfying employment. Do an internet search, spruce up your resume, call a company, drop off or e-mail your resume, speak to others in the field etc...
Loved Ones
List all of the things you do with and for your loved ones. Why do you do these things? Divide them into two sections: things I enjoy and, things I do because I think I should. Keep doing what you enjoy and then examine your second list closely. Why do you do them? Are you trying to live up to an expectation? Is this something you have imposed upon yourself? Do you need to feel busy and important? See if you can delegate or divide some of the tasks you don't enjoy or value anymore. This will give you more time to do what you love.
Why Self-Care?
Now, take a piece of paper and divide it into two sections. On one side, write what happens when you don't make time for activities that energize you. On the other side, write all the activities you enjoy. Consider the cost to you and your loved ones if you don't learn to make self-care a part of your routine. Then browse through your list of activities you enjoy. Notice how much these activities cost. Chances are, they are pretty cheap. Most of the time, the women I work with just want to read a book, go for a walk in nature, have a warm bath, paint their nails, have coffee with a friend, create art or listen to music. These are not unrealistic, extravagant requests. The question then becomes "why not?". If enjoying simple acts of self-care make you a healthier person, a better partner, a happier mom and a more efficient employee, why wouldn't you indulge yourself on a regular basis?
If you want to take this one step further, create a collage of everything that makes you happy, energizes and, nourishes you. Flip through magazines or print images from an online source. Then assemble and organize these images on a big piece of craft paper (I like 18"x 24" as it's big enough to fit a variety of ideas but not so big that it is overwhelming). You can add a title, write affirmations or intentions on the paper and place it somewhere visible as a reminder to take some time for yourself.
www.artnsoul.org
I was feeling stuck today. I want to stick to my decision to write every day but I couldn't pick a topic. I decided to write about self-care because it is so important for women to learn to care as much about themselves as they do about others. It is also important for loved ones to see that we value ourselves. It's a reminder to your children that your life is more than just motherhood. It communicates to your partner that you expect to be treated with respect. It lets your boss know that your weekends are off-limits, that you have a life outside of working hours.
I was doing a search last week and I stumbled onto a video by a guy named Simon Sinek. He writes and speaks about leadership. His premise is that companies who don't strive, focus on what they are offering. Companies who succeed communicate why they exist. Between the "what" and the "why" is the "how". This is understanding how you achieve what you set out to do.
These two topics may not seem related but they are. Self-care is not about being selfish. Most of us emulate our earliest role models, women who served others first and put their needs last. Women who felt it was selfish to do something for ourselves. However, it is not selfish at all. If all you do is give to others, you will become depleted and resentful. At that point you won't have the energy to take care of yourself let alone your loved ones. If you had performed some self-care maintenance along the way, your tank would still be full and you would still be going strong.
Here is where the why comes into the equation. For the most part, our lives are out of balance. We act like we are computers. We try to get more done, faster with less breaks. We run around drinking more coffee to keep up the pace. Our schedules are full, the pace is quick and there is no time to waste. Our to-do list are the whats of our life. What do I have to do today? We often don't know how we will get it all done. However, we leave out the why. Just like a successful business starts with why, I feel that a balanced life involves taking a good look at our life and asking why we are doing what we are doing.
Let's begin:
Career
If you are currently employed, why do you work where you work? Be honest with yourself. Is this where you want to work or is it what others expect of you? If you are the busiest person at the office, why is that? Is it because you genuinely love your work and feel energized when you take on new projects or responsibilities? Or, is it because you don't have a life? Or, is it because you desperately want the approval of your boss and/or colleagues? If you find that you do not belong in this line of work and being there is making you sick, ask yourself what you might do instead. Why not try to get work that you love? Take a step each day in the direction of satisfying employment. Do an internet search, spruce up your resume, call a company, drop off or e-mail your resume, speak to others in the field etc...
Loved Ones
List all of the things you do with and for your loved ones. Why do you do these things? Divide them into two sections: things I enjoy and, things I do because I think I should. Keep doing what you enjoy and then examine your second list closely. Why do you do them? Are you trying to live up to an expectation? Is this something you have imposed upon yourself? Do you need to feel busy and important? See if you can delegate or divide some of the tasks you don't enjoy or value anymore. This will give you more time to do what you love.
Why Self-Care?
Now, take a piece of paper and divide it into two sections. On one side, write what happens when you don't make time for activities that energize you. On the other side, write all the activities you enjoy. Consider the cost to you and your loved ones if you don't learn to make self-care a part of your routine. Then browse through your list of activities you enjoy. Notice how much these activities cost. Chances are, they are pretty cheap. Most of the time, the women I work with just want to read a book, go for a walk in nature, have a warm bath, paint their nails, have coffee with a friend, create art or listen to music. These are not unrealistic, extravagant requests. The question then becomes "why not?". If enjoying simple acts of self-care make you a healthier person, a better partner, a happier mom and a more efficient employee, why wouldn't you indulge yourself on a regular basis?
If you want to take this one step further, create a collage of everything that makes you happy, energizes and, nourishes you. Flip through magazines or print images from an online source. Then assemble and organize these images on a big piece of craft paper (I like 18"x 24" as it's big enough to fit a variety of ideas but not so big that it is overwhelming). You can add a title, write affirmations or intentions on the paper and place it somewhere visible as a reminder to take some time for yourself.
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 5 February 2016
Interview with a 40+ year old woman-HS
February 5th, 2016
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
When HS was 34 years old, she thought to herself that if she was still in the same spot in 10 years she would cry. She was facing a career crisis and decided to leave her stable, permanent position to pursue something more meaningful.
On her 39th birthday, she had a meltdown and cried. She was upset about not being where she expected to be by her 39th birthday. She was divorced, she had no children and she struggled with her career. She questioned everything about her life, starting with: Where did the last decade go? She looked at her grandma's silver and felt sad, she had no one to serve. She worried that, without children, she had no legacy to leave behind.
Two days after her 39th birthday she found out her sister's children were being taken away. She stepped in and took over the care of her niece and nephew, a 5 and 10 year old with high needs. She became a crisis parent and had to redefine herself as a family person. This was a sudden switch. She had adjusted to life after divorce. She enjoyed an active life with friends and many social and cultural outings. She loved to go dancing.
Suddenly, she was on house arrest. CAS is very strict regarding the people who are allowed to supervise the children so she couldn't leave them with a babysitter. She had no night off, no relief. She was no longer herself, just a parent. She worried that her chances of ever getting married were getting slim to impossible. It was challenging enough to find a man who would take on a woman and her children but she was raising someone else's children. On top of all this, she needed to switch jobs again. She had found meaningful work with a non-profit but her pay could not support the children. She set off to find a higher paying job that would help her provide for the children even if it wasn't the type of work that brought her any joy. The children came first.
This was her life as she turned 40. Then, 14 months after she had become a mom, her niece and nephew were adopted by another relative. Now she was grieving. In the past year, she had lost her dog, her horse and now the children that she imagined would be with her forever. The stress of it all affected her performance at work and when they went through restructuring she lost her job. The stress was causing health issues as well. She felt like the last few decades were like a revolving door and she had been spit out, weakened and alone.
She felt old. "In your 30s you can fake being in your 20s but by your 40s there's no turning back. No one calls you Miss anymore". HS got fed up of looking back and grieving. She was surrounded by older women who were healthy and thriving. She decided to look forward instead and she thinks this saved her. She sat down and wrote a bucket list. She wanted to try things she was interested in because "you can't control what life throws at you but you can keep trying". She thought about the next 10-20 years and asked herself what she'd like those years to look like. She knew she couldn't make healthy decisions from an unhealthy place so she began running, even on days she didn't feel like it. She waited until six months had passed since the children were adopted before she made any important decisions. She had felt the urge to sell everything and travel but she knew to allow some grieving time before she moved forward. She sorted through which opportunities she'd like to pursue. She was determined to knock on doors and see which ones would open.
HS is now 43 years old. She has written two books and is completing her PhD. Attending University has been a humbling experience. The student life is reminiscent of her 20s yet everything is different: a lot of information is online, her fellow students have their own jargon which she doesn't understand and learning requires more work than she remembers. However, she looks at her older friends and is inspired by them. "They have a sparkle in their eyes, they are fit and living their life. I want to be like them when I'm older". She feels like she has pressed a reset button and is starting a new chapter in her life. She no longer feels stuck on a train track heading nowhere. She has heard stories of people who did their best work in their later years. She plans to have the most productive years ahead of her. The work on her PhD is very meaningful and therapeutic.
If she could start over she would undo her marriage. She would socialize differently and marry someone else. She also would have completed a more practical degree like psychology or law. She feels that if she had been better supported as a child, she would have been more aware and recognized red flags like the ones her ex-husband was throwing her way.
HS is proud that she managed to get through the challenging times. Despite these difficult experiences, she has remained "young and hopeful rather than falling into anger and bitterness". She perceives the midlife crisis as an adult temper tantrum. "When you are younger you try to make things go your way then you realize it isn't working and you freak out. As you get older, you learn to go with the flow".
At this time in her life, she is trying to make healthy decisions that are authentic, not based on fears and panic. She treats her current fears the same way as the monster under the bed when she was a child. You are afraid of the monster under the bed but you get up and go to the washroom anyways. HS finds that physical activities in nature are the best outlets for her stress. It is where she goes to recharge. When she introduces others to nature, she feels energized. She has many friends she can turn to for support but a lot of them live far away so she is grateful for Skype. She has a better understanding of what is going on with her at this age and has learned to ask for what she needs. She no longer struggles with being on her own. She has less energy than she used to so she tends to collaborate with others. She gets energy from these collaborations and the many projects she leads.
One day, when she has completed her PhD and has a permanent job, HS would like to take a single mom under her wing. She thinks our individualistic culture neglects people who require support. "People have so much potential, they just need to feel supported, not so alone". She is passionate about including every member of society into the community and providing the necessary support so everyone has a chance.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Friday, 22 January 2016
Book of the Week: Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle
January 22nd, 2016
This week's book was packed with information and, a bit hard to read at times, but so worth it. Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How To Break Free of Negativity and Drama is written by Doreen Virtue. This is a well-researched psychology book. I have read many books about PTSD and the information gets repetitive but there is new, useful information presented here and I encourage you to buy this book if you or someone you love is living with PTSD.
This book describes how our bodies and minds respond to stress then provides real tips to bring calm back into our lives. Doreen explains how people who have had trauma in their lives attract drama to them in order to stimulate stress hormones. Hyper vigilance, the tendency to be on high alert and looking for clues of danger, helps people feel safe. When they are calm, they feel vulnerable so they trigger stress hormones through drama because that feels more comfortable.
The author outlines four reactions to trauma:1-Fight (anger and aggression), 2-Flight (avoidant behaviour and fear), 3-Freeze (dissociation) and 4-Fawn (complying with others in order to stay safe). I had never heard about this fourth reaction but it makes sense if I think about the children I've worked with who come from homes with domestic violence. They become really skilled at reading their parent's facial expressions and moods and do what they can to be invisible and compliant, walking on egg shells to avoid violence.
You may have heard about the role of adrenaline in stress and PTSD, how it speeds up the central nervous system and keeps people hyper alert. Cortisol is a stress hormone that has received a lot of press due to the abundance of stressed out women with muffin tops. Cortisol stores fat reserves onto your stomach as a protective measure, in case you starve. What I had never heard of before is the role of histamines in the stress reaction.
When you eat something you are allergic to, your body releases histamines. It helps your body react to the allergen. Doreen states that we can become addicted to the foods we are allergic to, believing they are our favourite foods. What we like is the release of histamines which increases our alertness. She lists high histamine foods that people who have experienced trauma may become addicted to, these include: aged cheddar, red wine, balsamic vinegar, cured meats, soy sauce, pickles etc. I was blown away by this list. Do you know someone who loves that specific list of items? I do.
The book describes the symptoms of PTSD which Doreen suggests be re-named Post Traumatic Stress Reaction because it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I agree. The word "disorder" only serves to further stigmatize individuals who are trying to come to terms with what happened to them. She also covers topics such as Secondary Traumatic Stress (hearing about trauma from someone else or watching it on tv), Burnout Syndrome (when hard workers feel their efforts go unrecognized, become angry then stop caring) and, Complex PTSR (where the trauma was ongoing). This first section of the book can be difficult to read. If you are dealing with PTSR, I would recommend you read a bit at a time and make plans to see a trusted friend or therapist for support.
The second section of the book offers a variety of tools to reduce the stress in your life. Doreen recommends a "drama detox" which involves distancing yourself from the people in your life who create drama as well as recognizing your own drama patterns. Some of the her tips for getting calm include: listening to quiet, relaxing music, focusing on one moment at a time, buying a plant to practice caring for something, reducing your consumption of high histamine foods, connecting with nature, hanging out with your pet, stretching, getting creative, de-cluttering your home or having a warm bath.
There are strategies to avoid some of the cognitive traps like "what if" thinking or pessimism and diet tips to avoid binging. She provides alternatives to the many allergens your body is exposed to from carpet fumes, bedding, cosmetics, clothing, cleaning supplies, plastics and electromagnetic energy fields. Doreen proposes a variety of non-medicinal treatments for anxiety and depression to deter people from self-numbing with alcohol or drugs. Some of her suggestions are quite simple like chamomile tea, lavender essential oils, Saint-John's Wort, Melatonin, body work, restorative yoga and gratitude.
The last section of the book helps people who have survived trauma work through their tendency to isolate themselves and avoid human contact as a way to protect themselves in order to create healthy relationships. Individuals are urged to seek support and examine what feelings were at the root of their poor choices in the past so they can make better choices in the future. They are encouraged to nurture self-love and connect with their feelings and intuition in order to assess whether someone will be a good friend or not. The author suggests going to healthy environments to meet new people and taking their time getting to know new acquaintances before trusting them. She also recommends listening to the advice of trusted friends when they have misgivings about a new friend or love interest. Lastly, Doreen goes over some strategies to empower individuals who are trying to maintain a relationship with a dysfunctional family while preserving healthy boundaries.
I will recommend this book to many friends and clients. This is one of those books that I will keep in my library for years so I can consult it on a regular basis. I strongly recommend this book whether you are diagnosed with PTSR or are simply living a stressful life and looking for a way to become healthy and calm.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
This week's book was packed with information and, a bit hard to read at times, but so worth it. Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How To Break Free of Negativity and Drama is written by Doreen Virtue. This is a well-researched psychology book. I have read many books about PTSD and the information gets repetitive but there is new, useful information presented here and I encourage you to buy this book if you or someone you love is living with PTSD.
This book describes how our bodies and minds respond to stress then provides real tips to bring calm back into our lives. Doreen explains how people who have had trauma in their lives attract drama to them in order to stimulate stress hormones. Hyper vigilance, the tendency to be on high alert and looking for clues of danger, helps people feel safe. When they are calm, they feel vulnerable so they trigger stress hormones through drama because that feels more comfortable.
The author outlines four reactions to trauma:1-Fight (anger and aggression), 2-Flight (avoidant behaviour and fear), 3-Freeze (dissociation) and 4-Fawn (complying with others in order to stay safe). I had never heard about this fourth reaction but it makes sense if I think about the children I've worked with who come from homes with domestic violence. They become really skilled at reading their parent's facial expressions and moods and do what they can to be invisible and compliant, walking on egg shells to avoid violence.
You may have heard about the role of adrenaline in stress and PTSD, how it speeds up the central nervous system and keeps people hyper alert. Cortisol is a stress hormone that has received a lot of press due to the abundance of stressed out women with muffin tops. Cortisol stores fat reserves onto your stomach as a protective measure, in case you starve. What I had never heard of before is the role of histamines in the stress reaction.
When you eat something you are allergic to, your body releases histamines. It helps your body react to the allergen. Doreen states that we can become addicted to the foods we are allergic to, believing they are our favourite foods. What we like is the release of histamines which increases our alertness. She lists high histamine foods that people who have experienced trauma may become addicted to, these include: aged cheddar, red wine, balsamic vinegar, cured meats, soy sauce, pickles etc. I was blown away by this list. Do you know someone who loves that specific list of items? I do.
The book describes the symptoms of PTSD which Doreen suggests be re-named Post Traumatic Stress Reaction because it is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I agree. The word "disorder" only serves to further stigmatize individuals who are trying to come to terms with what happened to them. She also covers topics such as Secondary Traumatic Stress (hearing about trauma from someone else or watching it on tv), Burnout Syndrome (when hard workers feel their efforts go unrecognized, become angry then stop caring) and, Complex PTSR (where the trauma was ongoing). This first section of the book can be difficult to read. If you are dealing with PTSR, I would recommend you read a bit at a time and make plans to see a trusted friend or therapist for support.
The second section of the book offers a variety of tools to reduce the stress in your life. Doreen recommends a "drama detox" which involves distancing yourself from the people in your life who create drama as well as recognizing your own drama patterns. Some of the her tips for getting calm include: listening to quiet, relaxing music, focusing on one moment at a time, buying a plant to practice caring for something, reducing your consumption of high histamine foods, connecting with nature, hanging out with your pet, stretching, getting creative, de-cluttering your home or having a warm bath.
There are strategies to avoid some of the cognitive traps like "what if" thinking or pessimism and diet tips to avoid binging. She provides alternatives to the many allergens your body is exposed to from carpet fumes, bedding, cosmetics, clothing, cleaning supplies, plastics and electromagnetic energy fields. Doreen proposes a variety of non-medicinal treatments for anxiety and depression to deter people from self-numbing with alcohol or drugs. Some of her suggestions are quite simple like chamomile tea, lavender essential oils, Saint-John's Wort, Melatonin, body work, restorative yoga and gratitude.
The last section of the book helps people who have survived trauma work through their tendency to isolate themselves and avoid human contact as a way to protect themselves in order to create healthy relationships. Individuals are urged to seek support and examine what feelings were at the root of their poor choices in the past so they can make better choices in the future. They are encouraged to nurture self-love and connect with their feelings and intuition in order to assess whether someone will be a good friend or not. The author suggests going to healthy environments to meet new people and taking their time getting to know new acquaintances before trusting them. She also recommends listening to the advice of trusted friends when they have misgivings about a new friend or love interest. Lastly, Doreen goes over some strategies to empower individuals who are trying to maintain a relationship with a dysfunctional family while preserving healthy boundaries.
I will recommend this book to many friends and clients. This is one of those books that I will keep in my library for years so I can consult it on a regular basis. I strongly recommend this book whether you are diagnosed with PTSR or are simply living a stressful life and looking for a way to become healthy and calm.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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