June 23rd, 2016
Tomorrow, I am offering a Have You Hugged Your Alien? workshop at a nearby school for a class of grade 4 students. One comment I have heard from teachers and volunteer parents at my workshops in the past is that we need one of these workshops for adults. I have tailored my workshops to elementary school children so I'd have to change my language but I think it's a good idea.
In my book for children, the alien is the part of us that emerges when we are upset-it feels foreign to us. You do something you later regret and you wonder why you did that. It seemed like a good idea in the heat of the moment but you see more clearly once the intensity has passed. While you are upset, you watch your own behaviour as an observer and you are just as shocked as everyone else by what happens every step of the way. Your actions are not only unpredictable but they seem unstoppable.
After I have read the book, each student creates a representation of their inner alien out of clay. It is really fascinating to see the many interpretations of this directive. Students get really attached to their alien.
The main message of my book is that it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions, it's part of being a human being living your life. However, the choices you make when you are experiencing difficult emotions can get you in trouble. Parents or teachers ask you: "What came over you? What were you thinking?" They may also say: "This is so unlike you. You know better than this". You agree with them sheepishly and promise that it will never happen again but you don't know how it happened in the first place and you doubt you could react differently in the future.
Here is a glimpse into what I have learned so far-an explanation of the process that gets us into trouble. Our primitive or reptilian brain is located at the back of the head. It is an old part of the brain that looks after our survival. When we were cave people and we needed to survive, the reptilian brain helped us decide really quickly whether to fight (let's take this animal down together and eat it) or flee (dinosaur...run!). Our body gets a surge of energy to fight or run as fast as we can. However, it is not helpful to analyze the situation because, if you don't make a quick decision and act on it, you will die. That is why the activation of our primitive brain shuts down our pre-frontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is located at the front of the brain. It has developed over time and it is very smart. It helps us make good decisions. When this part of the brain shuts down, we make poor choices. At this point, children get very excited. If their brains are unable to make good choices while they are upset then surely their behaviour is not their fault. Wrong! While we can't control when our reptilian brain will take over or when our prefrontal cortex will take a break, we can learn a few tools to help us stay out of trouble.
I learned a few years ago that, when we have a negative emotional reaction, it cycles through our system for 90 seconds-that's it. If our response lasts less than a minute, it becomes much more manageable. The question doesn't become: How do I prevent myself from responding to negative events or conflicts? It becomes: What can I do during that 90 seconds to help my body use the excess energy of the reptilian brain? We used to need the surge in energy to fight predators or run away and hide but we don't need to hunt or defend ourselves against nature anymore. Having that much energy is like sitting on a wild stallion when you've never ridden a horse. You are not able to control it.
We can look at animals for inspiration. How do they release excess energy? If you have a dog, you have probably noticed that, when it gets frustrated, it stretches and makes a weird yawn with a high pitch sound. If it is really worked up, it will run like crazy throughout the house until it has calmed down. The cat stretches its back and hisses. The elephant raises its trunk, makes noise and flaps its ears. The horse stomps its hooves, neighs and shakes its head. The lion roars as it shakes its mane. The bear beats its chest and roars. Each animal uses either the voice, movement or breath to release energy. We can access these tools as well.
I ask the students to think about where they are in general when they are upset. Does it happen more at home or at school, inside or outside and who is involved? They usually know their pattern. I ask them to imagine how they could use their voice, breath and movement to feel better. I demonstrate exhales, stretches, saying: "I am so angry" or simply letting out a sound "URGH", running around if they are outside or tightening and releasing their muscles, wiggling the tension out or stomping their feet. They create a Coping Card where they draw themselves applying their new strategy to stay calm.Teachers can post these drawings on a classroom wall as a gentle reminder that there are other ways to respond to difficult feelings.
Then I address the fact that we often end up upset for longer than 90 seconds. That is because we have this great imagination and we tend to make up a story about our life that we hold onto and that serves as a reset button-triggering another 90 seconds of anger. As long as your mind remains focused on the story, you will keep triggering a new response. When animals are upset and they release the energy, they move on. We don't. I ask students to sum up their story in one sentence. Then I hand out an image of a flying saucer and I have them write the story on this flying saucer. Together, we visualize the saucer moving further away from us as we exhale until it disappears. Being aware of one's story is helpful. It helps us challenge it next time we are upset. Is this true or am I just upset? That way we can limit our reaction time to 90 seconds and move on.
I have been offering these workshops for just over a year now and I love watching the students' reactions to this information, their excitement as they create their alien and their interactions with their parents and teachers after the workshop where they use the alien metaphor to get support when they are getting overwhelmed. Parents report that their child will say they feel their alien stirring or teachers tell me students suggest strategies to each other. I love this work! If you are an adult and you wish to apply this to your own life, you can make it relevant for yourself as well.
1-Next time you are upset, remind yourself that you only have to keep it together for 90 seconds
2-Exhale hard, tense and release your muscles, tell people you are upset and you need a minute
3-Recognize your story, write it down and start to challenge it. Is it true? Find proof that it is false
4-Notice where you are when you get upset and who is with you
5-Tailor your strategy for that environment (Are you indoors/outside, at work or at home?)
6-If you are normally with them same person every time you are upset, examine what it is about this person that leads to frustration. Is there anything within your control that you can do?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label adults. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adults. Show all posts
Thursday, 23 June 2016
Thursday, 10 March 2016
Sex is like Wine: It gets better with age
March 8th, 2016
When I was teaching a course called, Recreation for Older Adults, I spent some time going over misconceptions about older adults. Young college students believed older adults are not sexual. They are kindly old people who tell stories and bake apple pies. We discussed these misconceptions to get our facts straight and, by the end of that first class, students were looking at their elders in a whole different way.
If you have worked with older adults, chances are you learned very quickly that their sex drive is NOT dead. In my first week working in long term care, I had my bottom pinched and slapped, male residents gave me compliments and asked me if I was married, they joked about the kinds of services they wanted and, they stared at my breasts while I fed them at lunch time. The ladies on my unit would fight over any new male resident. They would buy sweets at the coffee shop for him, they wore their best outfits and, I noticed the lipstick and blush making a sudden appearance. The ladies would head over to the male resident early to chat with him before the others had a chance. It was game on!
The data supports my statement that sex gets better with age. When you are young, you are still learning the basics about how your bits work. You are experimenting which is exciting but your partner is experimenting too so there's some hits and misses. If you are like most young women, you are focused on how you look: Does this thong make my butt look big? You are also wondering if the guy you are with likes you a little or a lot, as much as you want him to like you. During sex, you may be so precoccupied with making him feel good that you forget about your own needs. In movies, you see women who cum on command. The guy pulls down her undies and he's in. She instantly moans and has a mind-blowing orgasm. Really?
As you age, you have more knowledge about your body. You know what sets you off and you can guide your partner or do it yourself. Once you've reached menopause or you've had your tubes tied or your husband has had a vasectomy, you can enjoy sex without worrying about getting pregnant. When you are in a long term relationship, you feel connected to your partner, you trust and love each other, this adds intimacy to your sexual encounters. There is a peak in libido for women in midlife which means your husband will get more than he bargained for but I don't think he'll complain. Also, it takes longer for men to get hard and they can last longer. We've all experienced sex with a young adult who is so excited to be having sex that he ejaculates right out of the gate. Bummer! Older men can give you more bang for your buck which means you are not rushing to cum before he does.
Having sex is very healthy. Your blood is flowing through your body, including your all-important brain, your muscles get a workout and your heart is pumping hard. Your vagina also stays lubricated and flexible for future use if it is getting some action on a regular basis. You feel alive, vibrant and sexy into old age while maintaining a level of intimacy with your partner (instead of becoming Ernie and Bert). So we all need to stop treating older adults like they have no sex life. Media should portray the elderly in a more realistic light and we need to be living according to our own needs, not trying to live up to some external expectation: cut your hair, wear modest clothing and sensible shoes etc.. Boring!!!
I love meeting women who are older, vibrant, healthy, active and enjoying their life. That's the way I plan to age. What about you?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
When I was teaching a course called, Recreation for Older Adults, I spent some time going over misconceptions about older adults. Young college students believed older adults are not sexual. They are kindly old people who tell stories and bake apple pies. We discussed these misconceptions to get our facts straight and, by the end of that first class, students were looking at their elders in a whole different way.
If you have worked with older adults, chances are you learned very quickly that their sex drive is NOT dead. In my first week working in long term care, I had my bottom pinched and slapped, male residents gave me compliments and asked me if I was married, they joked about the kinds of services they wanted and, they stared at my breasts while I fed them at lunch time. The ladies on my unit would fight over any new male resident. They would buy sweets at the coffee shop for him, they wore their best outfits and, I noticed the lipstick and blush making a sudden appearance. The ladies would head over to the male resident early to chat with him before the others had a chance. It was game on!
The data supports my statement that sex gets better with age. When you are young, you are still learning the basics about how your bits work. You are experimenting which is exciting but your partner is experimenting too so there's some hits and misses. If you are like most young women, you are focused on how you look: Does this thong make my butt look big? You are also wondering if the guy you are with likes you a little or a lot, as much as you want him to like you. During sex, you may be so precoccupied with making him feel good that you forget about your own needs. In movies, you see women who cum on command. The guy pulls down her undies and he's in. She instantly moans and has a mind-blowing orgasm. Really?
As you age, you have more knowledge about your body. You know what sets you off and you can guide your partner or do it yourself. Once you've reached menopause or you've had your tubes tied or your husband has had a vasectomy, you can enjoy sex without worrying about getting pregnant. When you are in a long term relationship, you feel connected to your partner, you trust and love each other, this adds intimacy to your sexual encounters. There is a peak in libido for women in midlife which means your husband will get more than he bargained for but I don't think he'll complain. Also, it takes longer for men to get hard and they can last longer. We've all experienced sex with a young adult who is so excited to be having sex that he ejaculates right out of the gate. Bummer! Older men can give you more bang for your buck which means you are not rushing to cum before he does.
Having sex is very healthy. Your blood is flowing through your body, including your all-important brain, your muscles get a workout and your heart is pumping hard. Your vagina also stays lubricated and flexible for future use if it is getting some action on a regular basis. You feel alive, vibrant and sexy into old age while maintaining a level of intimacy with your partner (instead of becoming Ernie and Bert). So we all need to stop treating older adults like they have no sex life. Media should portray the elderly in a more realistic light and we need to be living according to our own needs, not trying to live up to some external expectation: cut your hair, wear modest clothing and sensible shoes etc.. Boring!!!
I love meeting women who are older, vibrant, healthy, active and enjoying their life. That's the way I plan to age. What about you?
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Thursday, 25 February 2016
Parent for life
February 23rd, 2016
The issue of caring for children even into adulthood never occurred to me until a woman asked for help with her son. He was employed a few hours a week and needed a ride home from work. The mother was able to drop him off on her way to work but she couldn't bring him back home after his shift just a few hours later. Her son had just graduated from high school and this was his first opportunity to work in the community. For young adults with Asperger Syndrome, transitioning from high school can be tricky. An opportunity to gain work skills can not be passed up. I was free at the time her son was done his shift so I offered to give him a ride home.
I wasn't sure what to expect. He was waiting for me outside his workplace when I arrived on the first day. We chatted on the way home about his responsibilities at work and whatever he purchased at the store. He was able to cook his own lunch and was looking forward to eating whatever was on the menu that day. As the weeks went by, I discovered his sense of humour and he opened up about his issues with family members, clients and the neighbours. I enjoyed our chats. He was very intelligent and interesting.
I have met other parents since then and learned about the tremendous pressure of loving an adult child with Asperger Syndrome. One of my mother's colleagues has an adult son who lives with them. She is worried about the future. She and her husband are aging and they worry about who will take care of their son when they are no longer able to do it. They have another son but they don't want to burden him with the responsibility. There aren't as many options for AS than for individuals with other needs.
A friend of mine has a teenage son on the spectrum. His friends are all getting their driver's licence but he is not able to get his. There are little realizations along the way that are challenging for individuals with AS and their loved ones.
In theory, there seems to be housing options. The Asperger Autism Network website (www.aane.org), recommends factors to consider when choosing adequate housing for individuals with AS. "It's important to choose housing that will support their sensory, social and environmental needs". They must have a place where they can be alone, comfortable and quiet.
According to an article in www.autismdigest.com dated July/August 2012, "it is estimated that approximately 500,000 individuals with ASD will reach adulthood in the next 15 years". This website proposes the use of the Functional Skills Screening Inventory (FSSI) in order to "improve services through observable behaviour change and by focusing on the functional living skills needed to be an integral part of the community". Once you have assessed the individual's strengths and needs, you can examine the variety of housing options ranging from adult foster homes to supervised apartments.
As you read about independent living, supported living and group homes, it can seem that finding appropriate accommodations is simply a matter of choice. However, as I speak to parents of adults on the spectrum, the reality is that these options are not available in their community. Therefore, parents are left to care for their adult offspring on their own or, with some assistance from an agency, while their son or daughter lives with them.
I did some research and found an exciting program in Texas. You may wonder why I am bothering to report on it since it is so far away. I think it can serve as a starting point and role model to inspire discussion and innovation in our community.
Marbridge is a residential program for individuals with AS. It "fulfills all nine of the Autism Society's quality of life indicators". Young adults come to this program after high school and Marbridge provides an individualized program for them to meet their personal goals. The focus may have to do with personal skills like self-care, life skills like cooking or washing laundry or, if the individual wishes to find employment, job skills including writing a resume and preparing for interviews.
The program was founded in 1953 but it has been re-vamped in 2001 to integrate "education, socialization, recreation, independent living skills and employment instructions". Their website is www.marbridge.org. Their home page boasts a success story, detailing the many steps that were taken to get this young man to his current independent life. We need more programs like these to support the many families seeking adequate solutions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
The issue of caring for children even into adulthood never occurred to me until a woman asked for help with her son. He was employed a few hours a week and needed a ride home from work. The mother was able to drop him off on her way to work but she couldn't bring him back home after his shift just a few hours later. Her son had just graduated from high school and this was his first opportunity to work in the community. For young adults with Asperger Syndrome, transitioning from high school can be tricky. An opportunity to gain work skills can not be passed up. I was free at the time her son was done his shift so I offered to give him a ride home.
I wasn't sure what to expect. He was waiting for me outside his workplace when I arrived on the first day. We chatted on the way home about his responsibilities at work and whatever he purchased at the store. He was able to cook his own lunch and was looking forward to eating whatever was on the menu that day. As the weeks went by, I discovered his sense of humour and he opened up about his issues with family members, clients and the neighbours. I enjoyed our chats. He was very intelligent and interesting.
I have met other parents since then and learned about the tremendous pressure of loving an adult child with Asperger Syndrome. One of my mother's colleagues has an adult son who lives with them. She is worried about the future. She and her husband are aging and they worry about who will take care of their son when they are no longer able to do it. They have another son but they don't want to burden him with the responsibility. There aren't as many options for AS than for individuals with other needs.
A friend of mine has a teenage son on the spectrum. His friends are all getting their driver's licence but he is not able to get his. There are little realizations along the way that are challenging for individuals with AS and their loved ones.
In theory, there seems to be housing options. The Asperger Autism Network website (www.aane.org), recommends factors to consider when choosing adequate housing for individuals with AS. "It's important to choose housing that will support their sensory, social and environmental needs". They must have a place where they can be alone, comfortable and quiet.
According to an article in www.autismdigest.com dated July/August 2012, "it is estimated that approximately 500,000 individuals with ASD will reach adulthood in the next 15 years". This website proposes the use of the Functional Skills Screening Inventory (FSSI) in order to "improve services through observable behaviour change and by focusing on the functional living skills needed to be an integral part of the community". Once you have assessed the individual's strengths and needs, you can examine the variety of housing options ranging from adult foster homes to supervised apartments.
As you read about independent living, supported living and group homes, it can seem that finding appropriate accommodations is simply a matter of choice. However, as I speak to parents of adults on the spectrum, the reality is that these options are not available in their community. Therefore, parents are left to care for their adult offspring on their own or, with some assistance from an agency, while their son or daughter lives with them.
I did some research and found an exciting program in Texas. You may wonder why I am bothering to report on it since it is so far away. I think it can serve as a starting point and role model to inspire discussion and innovation in our community.
Marbridge is a residential program for individuals with AS. It "fulfills all nine of the Autism Society's quality of life indicators". Young adults come to this program after high school and Marbridge provides an individualized program for them to meet their personal goals. The focus may have to do with personal skills like self-care, life skills like cooking or washing laundry or, if the individual wishes to find employment, job skills including writing a resume and preparing for interviews.
The program was founded in 1953 but it has been re-vamped in 2001 to integrate "education, socialization, recreation, independent living skills and employment instructions". Their website is www.marbridge.org. Their home page boasts a success story, detailing the many steps that were taken to get this young man to his current independent life. We need more programs like these to support the many families seeking adequate solutions.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Anxiety
February 16th, 2016
Anxiety is on the rise, among men and women and, noticeably, in children and teenagers. I meet with many women who suffer from crippling levels of anxiety but their loved ones have no idea. They hide their anxiety or numb it with pills and alcohol. They think there is something wrong with them. "Why am I so anxious? I've always been the strong one. What is wrong with me?"
Each person perceives the anxiety to be a personal weakness. They guard this secret and cover it up. The thing is, it's normal to feel anxious. That is, when you are living in a fast-paced, demanding world, multi-tasking and over-scheduling yourself, it is normal to feel anxiety. As adults, we have become accustomed to drinking caffeine in order to keep functioning. We feel tired at the end of the day, rightfully so, but our work isn't over, we still need to prepare for the next day or finish a report.
Children don't have caffeine. They try to keep up with our pace, hurrying into the car, eating on the road, going from swim class to hockey. As they rush around, they feel stressed. They may experience anxiety about getting through homework, managing their many activities, witnessing conflicts between their parents or fighting with siblings. They are also bombarded by images and messages in the media. As they spend time surfing the internet alone, they are exposed to content that is not age-appropriate. They see skinny models and think that is what they are supposed to look like. They start trying to look older. They watch teenager sitcoms and think that is how teenagers are supposed to behave. They try out obnoxious behaviours prematurely in order to feel grown up and fit in. When the pressures accumulate, children and teenagers lash out in anger or in tears. They are overwhelmed.
When I visit classrooms to discuss mental health and stress management, I hear about the various stressors faced by today's children. They are expected to sit in class for hours at a time and learn. However, they may be hungry, stressed, scared or tired. To make things worse, they may not have any adults in their lives to support them and teach them how to deal with their stress. They feel alone. Some schools teach tips to handle their stress and emotions but it is not a priority, it may be one special class or a week of information.
If children look at their parents to learn how to manage stress, they may not be much further ahead. Many of us are overwhelmed as well. We are busy and exhausted, trying to juggle all responsibilities. We may lash out at our children in frustration or from there exhaustion. So what can we do?
1-Prioritize the many activities in our day so we know where to focus our attention and energy
2-Reduce the amount of items on our to-do list so it is realistic
3-Assess whether the activities we participate in are meaningful to us and cut down on the amount of demands on our time
4-Make space for uninterrupted family time: no phones, e-mails or tv
5-Slow down and include enjoyment in your day, not just duties and chores
6-Perform a self-care ritual such as reading, meditating, having a bath, going to yoga class
7-Share your stress-management tips with your children: progressive relaxation, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, journalling, art, exercise etc
8-Include friends in your schedule, it's good to go out and talk to your friends
9-Don't over schedule your day or your children's day
10-Talk about the feeling of anxiety with your loved ones, including your children so they are able to talk about their anxiety as well. They can see that they are not alone.
My favourite ways to deal with my stress include going to the gym, having a hot shower, writing in my journal, praying, dancing, singing out loud, drawing or painting. What works with my daughters is playing a relaxation cd when they go to bed, lots of cuddles, making up stories together before bed, petting the animals, drawing and writing stories in their journal and talking about what is worrying them.
Knowing that others experience anxiety, that it will pass, that there are things you can do to help yourself move through the anxiety and that you are supported by loved ones, all helps anxiety feel more manageable.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Anxiety is on the rise, among men and women and, noticeably, in children and teenagers. I meet with many women who suffer from crippling levels of anxiety but their loved ones have no idea. They hide their anxiety or numb it with pills and alcohol. They think there is something wrong with them. "Why am I so anxious? I've always been the strong one. What is wrong with me?"
Each person perceives the anxiety to be a personal weakness. They guard this secret and cover it up. The thing is, it's normal to feel anxious. That is, when you are living in a fast-paced, demanding world, multi-tasking and over-scheduling yourself, it is normal to feel anxiety. As adults, we have become accustomed to drinking caffeine in order to keep functioning. We feel tired at the end of the day, rightfully so, but our work isn't over, we still need to prepare for the next day or finish a report.
Children don't have caffeine. They try to keep up with our pace, hurrying into the car, eating on the road, going from swim class to hockey. As they rush around, they feel stressed. They may experience anxiety about getting through homework, managing their many activities, witnessing conflicts between their parents or fighting with siblings. They are also bombarded by images and messages in the media. As they spend time surfing the internet alone, they are exposed to content that is not age-appropriate. They see skinny models and think that is what they are supposed to look like. They start trying to look older. They watch teenager sitcoms and think that is how teenagers are supposed to behave. They try out obnoxious behaviours prematurely in order to feel grown up and fit in. When the pressures accumulate, children and teenagers lash out in anger or in tears. They are overwhelmed.
When I visit classrooms to discuss mental health and stress management, I hear about the various stressors faced by today's children. They are expected to sit in class for hours at a time and learn. However, they may be hungry, stressed, scared or tired. To make things worse, they may not have any adults in their lives to support them and teach them how to deal with their stress. They feel alone. Some schools teach tips to handle their stress and emotions but it is not a priority, it may be one special class or a week of information.
If children look at their parents to learn how to manage stress, they may not be much further ahead. Many of us are overwhelmed as well. We are busy and exhausted, trying to juggle all responsibilities. We may lash out at our children in frustration or from there exhaustion. So what can we do?
1-Prioritize the many activities in our day so we know where to focus our attention and energy
2-Reduce the amount of items on our to-do list so it is realistic
3-Assess whether the activities we participate in are meaningful to us and cut down on the amount of demands on our time
4-Make space for uninterrupted family time: no phones, e-mails or tv
5-Slow down and include enjoyment in your day, not just duties and chores
6-Perform a self-care ritual such as reading, meditating, having a bath, going to yoga class
7-Share your stress-management tips with your children: progressive relaxation, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, journalling, art, exercise etc
8-Include friends in your schedule, it's good to go out and talk to your friends
9-Don't over schedule your day or your children's day
10-Talk about the feeling of anxiety with your loved ones, including your children so they are able to talk about their anxiety as well. They can see that they are not alone.
My favourite ways to deal with my stress include going to the gym, having a hot shower, writing in my journal, praying, dancing, singing out loud, drawing or painting. What works with my daughters is playing a relaxation cd when they go to bed, lots of cuddles, making up stories together before bed, petting the animals, drawing and writing stories in their journal and talking about what is worrying them.
Knowing that others experience anxiety, that it will pass, that there are things you can do to help yourself move through the anxiety and that you are supported by loved ones, all helps anxiety feel more manageable.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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