December 13th, 2016
Last week, I wrote about how shopping for loved ones puts me in the Christmas spirit. There was a snow day yesterday and we had a great time snuggling together, sipping soup and enjoying our day.
Today, I want to explore the flip side of this experience. There are many people who dread this season. Do you know someone who has lost a loved one? The first everything is very challenging. This season is full of traditions, routines and memories. When someone has passed on, it can change everything. Who will host Christmas dinner? Who will be invited? Who gets the decorations? It is normal to not want to decorate or celebrate without your loved one. It can be helpful to include them in the new traditions (e.g. leave a chair at the table for the loved one, have a photo displayed on the mantle, a new Christmas decoration for the tree or partaking in an activity that that person always enjoyed as a way of bringing them into the celebrations).
There are people for whom family reunions are painful. They may not feel emotionally or physically safe. What if your memories of Christmas with family include alcoholism, verbal and physical violence or sexual abuse? How can Christmas ever feel like a festive holiday season with such negative associations? Luckily, many individuals go on to have their own families and begin new traditions.
What about all the lonely people who feel excluded from the good cheer and gatherings? This can include newly divorced, recently immigrated, homeless, recovering addicts and alcoholics as well as a host of older adults in long term care facilities (just to name a few). When everything is closed for the holidays and you have no loved ones to celebrate with, this holiday season can feel quite lonely and depressing.
When I worked as a college professor, there were students excited to head home for the holiday, looking forward to good food and warm hugs. However, some students stayed behind. They spent the holidays on campus, in residence.
Hospitals and long term care facilities are the saddest places over the holidays. I remember carolling with staff and seeing residents cry or go in their bedrooms and close the door. It was just too sad. Again, a few would go home for the weekend with family but many were left behind. Some families dropped off gifts at the main desk but never went to visit their parent.
So, what can you do if you are alone or sad among a crowd of people during the holidays?
1-Write out the story that you are telling yourself about being alone over Christmas.
2-What are the beliefs supporting this story?
3-What would you tell someone else who was going through this experience?
4-How can you support yourself through this time?
5-Who could be your allies? Do you know anyone else who will be alone over the holidays or who is going through a similar situation? Collect like-minded people and make plans with them.
6-Create a list of what gives you pleasure and see how many of these activities you can fit into your holiday.
7-Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Showing posts with label isolation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label isolation. Show all posts
Tuesday, 13 December 2016
Friday, 11 November 2016
Hair Salon Assistant for a Week
November 11th, 2016
First of all, I want to acknowledge that today is Remembrance Day. To all the men and women who serve our country, sacrificing your lives to keep us safe and free, we all owe you an enormous debt of gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!
Since I wrote about our veterans and remembrance day in my post a few days ago, I will write about something completely different today. A few weeks ago, my husband's assistant took a two week vacation to visit a friend living in Vietnam. Her friend is teaching there and Brooke got to visit her friend but also travel through Vietnam. This was an eye-opener for her; the food, the culture and the experience of being a minority. I had my own eye-opener during her absence because my husband asked me to help him out for the week that he was on his own. I became Assistant for a Week.
I was very nervous because I know he and Brooke have been working together for years now and she knows what to do to support him. She is also trained as a stylist so she can apply colour, rinse hair, cut and blow dry which takes the load off of Vincent. I wasn't sure if my presence would be helpful or frustrating to him. What if I pissed him off and we spent the week fighting?
My main responsibilities were confirming appointments, making coffee, sweeping the floor, rinsing the colour bowls, taking people's money and booking their next appointments. To my surprise, I loved it! I learned a great deal about myself and my relationship with my husband. I was able to apply what I have learned to my regular life as an art therapist, author, public speaker when my life returned to normal.
Here is what I learned:
I love people! I normally spend a great deal of time writing, organizing materials for a workshop, e-mailing clients to schedule appointments or negotiate contracts. I really enjoyed being with people, talking about what is happening in their lives and seeing the parallels among the many women who walked through those doors, lots of transitions, stresses, important decisions and feeling alone with it all.
It feels so good to complete things. At the shop, I had simple tasks to complete. It was easy, no need for problem-solving or interventions. I made the coffee, swept the floor, confirmed the appointments, check! In my regular life, I have so many tasks that are endless. I clean the house but I work around the clutter left behind by my children and husband. I sweep the floor in the front entrance but I have to lift the four pairs of shoes/boots and my husband's motorcycle helmet, goggles and ear plugs. I prepare lunches for the girls and then see how much of it was wasted when they get home. Why didn't you eat this? Ran out of time. I empty the lunch kits, knowing I will refill them with the same stuff the next day. Preparing the bath for the girls, making the beds, picking up the clutter that is littering the floors and countertops. It is all so lonely and demoralizing. Trying to come up with something new and tasty for supper that everyone will love. It's never happened.
My husband and I always joke around, it's part of what I enjoy about our relationship. We get silly and love to make each other laugh. Bringing this dynamic to the shop was so fun. Clients enjoyed our banter and joined in, taking sides or adding their own twist. I have always enjoyed watching my husband work because he is so good at his job. I felt that my work at the shop was witnessed. As weird as this sounds, I was doing small, menial tasks but others, including my husband, could see what I was doing and it felt validating. No matter who hard you work when you are at home, no one sees it and it doesn't last. There is no recognition or validation.
I brought my computer to the shop and could still get my writing done between clients. This brought more balance to my day between typing and focusing on my writing, alone and, enjoying a break, a satisfying conversation with clients.
How to apply this to my regular life?
Recognizing that I need more balance between time to myself and time with others, I started meeting more of the women I interview in person rather than speaking over the phone, I bring my computer to the coffee shop to type up my notes so I see people and stop for breaks to chat with them. I challenge my children to pick up their own rooms. They now have three bins each to store dolls, art materials and small toys. This means I can now vacuum their floor without having to pick up the stuff from their room. I am doing more group work which is more dynamic and interactive in nature.
I am lucky. I have a great life. I am able to make decisions every day regarding how I will organize my work. I get to do what I love and now, thanks to this insight, I have added more socializing to my every day life.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
First of all, I want to acknowledge that today is Remembrance Day. To all the men and women who serve our country, sacrificing your lives to keep us safe and free, we all owe you an enormous debt of gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!
Since I wrote about our veterans and remembrance day in my post a few days ago, I will write about something completely different today. A few weeks ago, my husband's assistant took a two week vacation to visit a friend living in Vietnam. Her friend is teaching there and Brooke got to visit her friend but also travel through Vietnam. This was an eye-opener for her; the food, the culture and the experience of being a minority. I had my own eye-opener during her absence because my husband asked me to help him out for the week that he was on his own. I became Assistant for a Week.
I was very nervous because I know he and Brooke have been working together for years now and she knows what to do to support him. She is also trained as a stylist so she can apply colour, rinse hair, cut and blow dry which takes the load off of Vincent. I wasn't sure if my presence would be helpful or frustrating to him. What if I pissed him off and we spent the week fighting?
My main responsibilities were confirming appointments, making coffee, sweeping the floor, rinsing the colour bowls, taking people's money and booking their next appointments. To my surprise, I loved it! I learned a great deal about myself and my relationship with my husband. I was able to apply what I have learned to my regular life as an art therapist, author, public speaker when my life returned to normal.
Here is what I learned:
I love people! I normally spend a great deal of time writing, organizing materials for a workshop, e-mailing clients to schedule appointments or negotiate contracts. I really enjoyed being with people, talking about what is happening in their lives and seeing the parallels among the many women who walked through those doors, lots of transitions, stresses, important decisions and feeling alone with it all.
It feels so good to complete things. At the shop, I had simple tasks to complete. It was easy, no need for problem-solving or interventions. I made the coffee, swept the floor, confirmed the appointments, check! In my regular life, I have so many tasks that are endless. I clean the house but I work around the clutter left behind by my children and husband. I sweep the floor in the front entrance but I have to lift the four pairs of shoes/boots and my husband's motorcycle helmet, goggles and ear plugs. I prepare lunches for the girls and then see how much of it was wasted when they get home. Why didn't you eat this? Ran out of time. I empty the lunch kits, knowing I will refill them with the same stuff the next day. Preparing the bath for the girls, making the beds, picking up the clutter that is littering the floors and countertops. It is all so lonely and demoralizing. Trying to come up with something new and tasty for supper that everyone will love. It's never happened.
My husband and I always joke around, it's part of what I enjoy about our relationship. We get silly and love to make each other laugh. Bringing this dynamic to the shop was so fun. Clients enjoyed our banter and joined in, taking sides or adding their own twist. I have always enjoyed watching my husband work because he is so good at his job. I felt that my work at the shop was witnessed. As weird as this sounds, I was doing small, menial tasks but others, including my husband, could see what I was doing and it felt validating. No matter who hard you work when you are at home, no one sees it and it doesn't last. There is no recognition or validation.
I brought my computer to the shop and could still get my writing done between clients. This brought more balance to my day between typing and focusing on my writing, alone and, enjoying a break, a satisfying conversation with clients.
How to apply this to my regular life?
Recognizing that I need more balance between time to myself and time with others, I started meeting more of the women I interview in person rather than speaking over the phone, I bring my computer to the coffee shop to type up my notes so I see people and stop for breaks to chat with them. I challenge my children to pick up their own rooms. They now have three bins each to store dolls, art materials and small toys. This means I can now vacuum their floor without having to pick up the stuff from their room. I am doing more group work which is more dynamic and interactive in nature.
I am lucky. I have a great life. I am able to make decisions every day regarding how I will organize my work. I get to do what I love and now, thanks to this insight, I have added more socializing to my every day life.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 13 September 2016
Alcohol
September 13th, 2016
I have never been a drinker. Growing up, my grandmother and her siblings liked to play cards and drink. I loved the sound of everyone talking, joking and laughing. There was an easy camaraderie among them as they drank, played and smoked. I was too young to play cards or to drink. I don't know where I was or what I was doing while this was happening but I know it all seemed like fun.
I spent a great deal of time with my maternal grandmother. She was very feisty and funny but she spent her days cooking and cleaning. I once asked her what she would have done for a living if she was born in my generation. She answered that she would have cleaned-her own house, other homes, hotels, condos, she just loves to clean and she couldn't imagine herself doing anything else.
There are two skills that my grandmother taught me. She encouraged me to whistle. My grandfather believed that little girls shouldn't whistle. This, of course, made my grandmother insist that I become a great whistler. She also taught me to pour a beer properly. If you tilt the glass and the bottle as you pour the beer, you get less head and more beer. I needed this skill to do a good job pouring her beer every evening. She drank a beer (or two) every night until she died at the ripe age of 100. To this day, every time I smell beer, I am reminded of my grandmother's breath. She used to burp under her breath as she spoke to me and a waft of beer stench would follow. My husband loves beer and it is the biggest turn off for me when he has a beer and comes over for a kiss. It's like kissing my grandma, yuck!
A few years ago, we were at a cottage in Dunrobin. A few doors up from us, our neighbours were playing games like horseshoe and bean bag toss. It reminded me of my grandma and her siblings only, this time, I was invited. I was so excited to be part of the fun. I had a ginger ale and joined the game. About an hour into the game, my husband said we should get back, we had to let the dog out or some other excuse. I thanked them for a fun time and we headed back to our cottage. When we got back, I asked him why he wanted to leave. He explained that some people get happy when they drink and others get nasty. Our host was part of the latter group. I hadn't noticed this but he told me she was making remarks and getting meaner as she drank. He imagined that they would be fighting before long.
My husband comes from a family of drinkers as well. While my loved ones got louder, rowdier, his family members went from holding in their quiet rage to exploding into fist fights, spewing angry, hurtful words. He knew the signs. He had learned to notice the first indications that emotions were escalating. This was a survival tool for him during his childhood, it gave him a head start so he could run and hide before things got ugly.
People drink for different reasons. They may be shy and feel more confident once they've had a drink. They could use it to numb the pain of abuse or in order to belong to a group. One study linked loneliness to addiction. This made me think. No matter what happens in life, it seems more manageable through the support of loved ones. You are no longer alone. That is the whole point of self-help books and support groups. You see that you are not alone and you learn what others have done to get through their own hard times. This gives you hope that you can also overcome your hardship and live a better life.
What if there is no support in your life? What if you are a child and the dangers lurk in your home? How would you know that you can reach out and get help? You would expect other adults to respond just as your parents, aunts and uncles do. This leads to perceived helplessness and the cycle of addiction begins. You don't think anyone else would understand. You can't image that others would care. You perceive yourself as helpless to create anything better for your life. What's left? Numbing your pain. You drink and, suddenly, nothing matters. It doesn't hurt anymore and, as long as you stay drunk, you'll be ok. You can't have anyone challenge your behaviours, drinking "works" for you. You don't want to live without it, it would be too painful so you build a network of friends who also drink, you find your niche. You walk into bars and you belong. You just sit, drink and exchange stories.
The point of this post is twofold. If you have are addicted to alcohol, know that there is support out there, that you can live a better life, one that doesn't depend on staying numb. You deserve to be loved and live your life to the fullest. There is a reason you are here. It could be that what has happened to you, the source of your pain, is precisely why you are here. You are meant to rise above it and help others.
My second point is, if you love someone who is addicted to alcohol, shaming or controlling alcohol consumption will never work. Find the pain at the core of this addiction. Gather a group of individuals to inspire your loved one. This can be support groups, AA meetings, biographies of people who have recovered from alcohol or, self-help books that have a step by step process to make better choices and develop healthier habits.
You also need to take care of yourself. Never accept abuse from anyone. Whether you love someone who has a mental illness or an addiction, self-care is a must. Setting strong boundaries teaches your loved one about healthy relationships and ensures that you are safe. Do not isolate yourself, reach out and get support. Everything is easier when it is shared.
Anne Walsh
www,artnsoul.org
I have never been a drinker. Growing up, my grandmother and her siblings liked to play cards and drink. I loved the sound of everyone talking, joking and laughing. There was an easy camaraderie among them as they drank, played and smoked. I was too young to play cards or to drink. I don't know where I was or what I was doing while this was happening but I know it all seemed like fun.
I spent a great deal of time with my maternal grandmother. She was very feisty and funny but she spent her days cooking and cleaning. I once asked her what she would have done for a living if she was born in my generation. She answered that she would have cleaned-her own house, other homes, hotels, condos, she just loves to clean and she couldn't imagine herself doing anything else.
There are two skills that my grandmother taught me. She encouraged me to whistle. My grandfather believed that little girls shouldn't whistle. This, of course, made my grandmother insist that I become a great whistler. She also taught me to pour a beer properly. If you tilt the glass and the bottle as you pour the beer, you get less head and more beer. I needed this skill to do a good job pouring her beer every evening. She drank a beer (or two) every night until she died at the ripe age of 100. To this day, every time I smell beer, I am reminded of my grandmother's breath. She used to burp under her breath as she spoke to me and a waft of beer stench would follow. My husband loves beer and it is the biggest turn off for me when he has a beer and comes over for a kiss. It's like kissing my grandma, yuck!
A few years ago, we were at a cottage in Dunrobin. A few doors up from us, our neighbours were playing games like horseshoe and bean bag toss. It reminded me of my grandma and her siblings only, this time, I was invited. I was so excited to be part of the fun. I had a ginger ale and joined the game. About an hour into the game, my husband said we should get back, we had to let the dog out or some other excuse. I thanked them for a fun time and we headed back to our cottage. When we got back, I asked him why he wanted to leave. He explained that some people get happy when they drink and others get nasty. Our host was part of the latter group. I hadn't noticed this but he told me she was making remarks and getting meaner as she drank. He imagined that they would be fighting before long.
My husband comes from a family of drinkers as well. While my loved ones got louder, rowdier, his family members went from holding in their quiet rage to exploding into fist fights, spewing angry, hurtful words. He knew the signs. He had learned to notice the first indications that emotions were escalating. This was a survival tool for him during his childhood, it gave him a head start so he could run and hide before things got ugly.
People drink for different reasons. They may be shy and feel more confident once they've had a drink. They could use it to numb the pain of abuse or in order to belong to a group. One study linked loneliness to addiction. This made me think. No matter what happens in life, it seems more manageable through the support of loved ones. You are no longer alone. That is the whole point of self-help books and support groups. You see that you are not alone and you learn what others have done to get through their own hard times. This gives you hope that you can also overcome your hardship and live a better life.
What if there is no support in your life? What if you are a child and the dangers lurk in your home? How would you know that you can reach out and get help? You would expect other adults to respond just as your parents, aunts and uncles do. This leads to perceived helplessness and the cycle of addiction begins. You don't think anyone else would understand. You can't image that others would care. You perceive yourself as helpless to create anything better for your life. What's left? Numbing your pain. You drink and, suddenly, nothing matters. It doesn't hurt anymore and, as long as you stay drunk, you'll be ok. You can't have anyone challenge your behaviours, drinking "works" for you. You don't want to live without it, it would be too painful so you build a network of friends who also drink, you find your niche. You walk into bars and you belong. You just sit, drink and exchange stories.
The point of this post is twofold. If you have are addicted to alcohol, know that there is support out there, that you can live a better life, one that doesn't depend on staying numb. You deserve to be loved and live your life to the fullest. There is a reason you are here. It could be that what has happened to you, the source of your pain, is precisely why you are here. You are meant to rise above it and help others.
My second point is, if you love someone who is addicted to alcohol, shaming or controlling alcohol consumption will never work. Find the pain at the core of this addiction. Gather a group of individuals to inspire your loved one. This can be support groups, AA meetings, biographies of people who have recovered from alcohol or, self-help books that have a step by step process to make better choices and develop healthier habits.
You also need to take care of yourself. Never accept abuse from anyone. Whether you love someone who has a mental illness or an addiction, self-care is a must. Setting strong boundaries teaches your loved one about healthy relationships and ensures that you are safe. Do not isolate yourself, reach out and get support. Everything is easier when it is shared.
Anne Walsh
www,artnsoul.org
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Anxiety
February 16th, 2016
Anxiety is on the rise, among men and women and, noticeably, in children and teenagers. I meet with many women who suffer from crippling levels of anxiety but their loved ones have no idea. They hide their anxiety or numb it with pills and alcohol. They think there is something wrong with them. "Why am I so anxious? I've always been the strong one. What is wrong with me?"
Each person perceives the anxiety to be a personal weakness. They guard this secret and cover it up. The thing is, it's normal to feel anxious. That is, when you are living in a fast-paced, demanding world, multi-tasking and over-scheduling yourself, it is normal to feel anxiety. As adults, we have become accustomed to drinking caffeine in order to keep functioning. We feel tired at the end of the day, rightfully so, but our work isn't over, we still need to prepare for the next day or finish a report.
Children don't have caffeine. They try to keep up with our pace, hurrying into the car, eating on the road, going from swim class to hockey. As they rush around, they feel stressed. They may experience anxiety about getting through homework, managing their many activities, witnessing conflicts between their parents or fighting with siblings. They are also bombarded by images and messages in the media. As they spend time surfing the internet alone, they are exposed to content that is not age-appropriate. They see skinny models and think that is what they are supposed to look like. They start trying to look older. They watch teenager sitcoms and think that is how teenagers are supposed to behave. They try out obnoxious behaviours prematurely in order to feel grown up and fit in. When the pressures accumulate, children and teenagers lash out in anger or in tears. They are overwhelmed.
When I visit classrooms to discuss mental health and stress management, I hear about the various stressors faced by today's children. They are expected to sit in class for hours at a time and learn. However, they may be hungry, stressed, scared or tired. To make things worse, they may not have any adults in their lives to support them and teach them how to deal with their stress. They feel alone. Some schools teach tips to handle their stress and emotions but it is not a priority, it may be one special class or a week of information.
If children look at their parents to learn how to manage stress, they may not be much further ahead. Many of us are overwhelmed as well. We are busy and exhausted, trying to juggle all responsibilities. We may lash out at our children in frustration or from there exhaustion. So what can we do?
1-Prioritize the many activities in our day so we know where to focus our attention and energy
2-Reduce the amount of items on our to-do list so it is realistic
3-Assess whether the activities we participate in are meaningful to us and cut down on the amount of demands on our time
4-Make space for uninterrupted family time: no phones, e-mails or tv
5-Slow down and include enjoyment in your day, not just duties and chores
6-Perform a self-care ritual such as reading, meditating, having a bath, going to yoga class
7-Share your stress-management tips with your children: progressive relaxation, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, journalling, art, exercise etc
8-Include friends in your schedule, it's good to go out and talk to your friends
9-Don't over schedule your day or your children's day
10-Talk about the feeling of anxiety with your loved ones, including your children so they are able to talk about their anxiety as well. They can see that they are not alone.
My favourite ways to deal with my stress include going to the gym, having a hot shower, writing in my journal, praying, dancing, singing out loud, drawing or painting. What works with my daughters is playing a relaxation cd when they go to bed, lots of cuddles, making up stories together before bed, petting the animals, drawing and writing stories in their journal and talking about what is worrying them.
Knowing that others experience anxiety, that it will pass, that there are things you can do to help yourself move through the anxiety and that you are supported by loved ones, all helps anxiety feel more manageable.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
Anxiety is on the rise, among men and women and, noticeably, in children and teenagers. I meet with many women who suffer from crippling levels of anxiety but their loved ones have no idea. They hide their anxiety or numb it with pills and alcohol. They think there is something wrong with them. "Why am I so anxious? I've always been the strong one. What is wrong with me?"
Each person perceives the anxiety to be a personal weakness. They guard this secret and cover it up. The thing is, it's normal to feel anxious. That is, when you are living in a fast-paced, demanding world, multi-tasking and over-scheduling yourself, it is normal to feel anxiety. As adults, we have become accustomed to drinking caffeine in order to keep functioning. We feel tired at the end of the day, rightfully so, but our work isn't over, we still need to prepare for the next day or finish a report.
Children don't have caffeine. They try to keep up with our pace, hurrying into the car, eating on the road, going from swim class to hockey. As they rush around, they feel stressed. They may experience anxiety about getting through homework, managing their many activities, witnessing conflicts between their parents or fighting with siblings. They are also bombarded by images and messages in the media. As they spend time surfing the internet alone, they are exposed to content that is not age-appropriate. They see skinny models and think that is what they are supposed to look like. They start trying to look older. They watch teenager sitcoms and think that is how teenagers are supposed to behave. They try out obnoxious behaviours prematurely in order to feel grown up and fit in. When the pressures accumulate, children and teenagers lash out in anger or in tears. They are overwhelmed.
When I visit classrooms to discuss mental health and stress management, I hear about the various stressors faced by today's children. They are expected to sit in class for hours at a time and learn. However, they may be hungry, stressed, scared or tired. To make things worse, they may not have any adults in their lives to support them and teach them how to deal with their stress. They feel alone. Some schools teach tips to handle their stress and emotions but it is not a priority, it may be one special class or a week of information.
If children look at their parents to learn how to manage stress, they may not be much further ahead. Many of us are overwhelmed as well. We are busy and exhausted, trying to juggle all responsibilities. We may lash out at our children in frustration or from there exhaustion. So what can we do?
1-Prioritize the many activities in our day so we know where to focus our attention and energy
2-Reduce the amount of items on our to-do list so it is realistic
3-Assess whether the activities we participate in are meaningful to us and cut down on the amount of demands on our time
4-Make space for uninterrupted family time: no phones, e-mails or tv
5-Slow down and include enjoyment in your day, not just duties and chores
6-Perform a self-care ritual such as reading, meditating, having a bath, going to yoga class
7-Share your stress-management tips with your children: progressive relaxation, meditation, prayer, breathing, yoga, journalling, art, exercise etc
8-Include friends in your schedule, it's good to go out and talk to your friends
9-Don't over schedule your day or your children's day
10-Talk about the feeling of anxiety with your loved ones, including your children so they are able to talk about their anxiety as well. They can see that they are not alone.
My favourite ways to deal with my stress include going to the gym, having a hot shower, writing in my journal, praying, dancing, singing out loud, drawing or painting. What works with my daughters is playing a relaxation cd when they go to bed, lots of cuddles, making up stories together before bed, petting the animals, drawing and writing stories in their journal and talking about what is worrying them.
Knowing that others experience anxiety, that it will pass, that there are things you can do to help yourself move through the anxiety and that you are supported by loved ones, all helps anxiety feel more manageable.
Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org
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