Divorce-Happily Ever After

November 29th, 2016

I can not believe how long it has been since I last posted on this blog. The past week has flown by with a combination of snow days, PD days and sick days. Today is the second snow day of the season but my children are happily playing upstairs. So, I am frantically attempting to write something before they realize I am being productive.

Last month, I read an article in Chatelaine about a woman who was describing how awesome her life was post-divorce. We get free copies of Chatelaine for some reason and I was thumbing through it at breakfast. I was shocked by the article. I know there are many relationships where the people are far better off when it's all over. However, I was struck by the tone of the article. It sounded like divorce was trendy, a lifestyle choice. The author boasted about sleeping in on weekends when the children were at their dad's house. She explained how great it was to have time for herself to take a bath and fold laundry at her own pace. She described how the children benefitted from each parent exposing them to different activities and interests. It sounded like a new ideal, the utopia of divorced couples.

My husband is a hairstylist. He hears about approximately two divorces per week. This is an alarming rate. He comes home after hearing the horror stories of court cases, money battles, children stuck in the middle and it really bothers him that these people are suffering. I hear from women in my work as a therapist. There is no party, only grief and disillusionment. Divorce is not the easy way out. It's not clean cut, straightforward or festive.

Just over a week after reading the article, I saw the movie, Bad Moms. I was really looking forward to it. I saw the trailer and laughed out loud. When we watched the entire movie however, I was surprised to encounter the same message as the article. The main character has a dead beat husband who cheats on her. She decides to kick him out. She spends her days partying with some new friends and driving her ex-husband's sports car. She also meets Mr Right immediately and had sex with him the day before she goes to marriage counselling with her husband. By the end of the movie, her ex and her are friendly, her kids are doing great, she is with the new hottie and has new friends. She has quit her job but it's ok because she's been promoted to a better job.

I want to be clear here that I am not anti-divorce. I know women struggle with the decision for years and often stay longer than they should to protect the children. I get that there are some relationships that have been so damaged by betrayal or abuse that they can never be fixed. What I object to is the glamorization of divorce. The concept that if your life or relationship sucks, you can just dump your husband and everything will fall into place. You will feel awesome and attract a new guy and live happily ever after.

The reality is that your life will be stressful, emotional and chaotic until you are done with the legal, financial aspect of your divorce. You will not feel like jumping into a new relationship. Your children will take their anger out on you even if they can clearly see that leaving your spouse was for the best. You will have to deal with all the issues that came up in your marriage, your fear of abandonment, your inability to trust, your need to control, whatever it is for you. If you jump into another relationship right away, you will only repeat the same painful patterns. Divorce, even when it's the right decision, is a painful transition and it takes time. Any article or movie that teaches you otherwise is misleading.

If you are thinking about leaving your spouse, ask yourself these questions:

1) If I was divorced, how would my life be different? What would I do that is different from my current life? Often, we imagine ourselves leading this exciting life as if our husbands were the only thing standing in our way. Can you implement any of these activities or behaviours in your life right now? You may be surprised by the impact this has on your relationship and your personal happiness.

2) What new behaviours or patterns would you initiate in your next relationship? Can you practice these new patterns in your current relationship? If you imagine yourself being sexually active in your next relationship but you are timid and reserved in this one, try experimenting with your current partner. Can you re-ignite your passion? Try role-playing.

3) Can you see any similarity between your parents' relationship and your own or, between your relationship with one of your parents and your current relationship with your spouse? If daddy always let you down, you may have learned to be self-sufficient. This could lead to shutting your spouse out of your life. Is there room for him? What would happen if you let him and asked him for help, support or affection? Are you willing to be vulnerable?

4) When was the last time you felt connected to your partner? Can you recall what attracted you to him? When did these feelings stop? Are they still there, somewhere? You may want to participate in activities you used to enjoy as a couple in those early days. How about a road trip without the kids? My husband and I love going to Montreal for an overnight.

5) Have you communicated with your husband? Many times, the truth comes out during the divorce process. None of the frustrations or complaints were addressed during the relationship. Then, the husband hears the truth from others or reads it on a court document. It may feel risky to open up a can of worms but it could help and is way less painful than getting divorced.

If you are getting divorced, here are some tips from my clients:

1) Don't make any huge plans or drastic changes right after the separation
2) Give yourself time to grieve
3) Your children are angry and they will act out but, over time, things will calm down, don't take their words personally, they will be loving again
4) Don't talk negatively to your children about their dad. This puts them in the middle and creates tension in them as they feel forced to choose between their parents (and lie to protect their feelings)
5) Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
6) Make self-care a priority
7) Keep your children's best interest at the centre of your interactions with your ex
8) Don't jump into a new relationship to avoid the pain
9) The pain and intensity of this experience will fade over time, it is temporary
10) Focus on moving on with your life and creating something positive rather than holding on to your feelings about your ex and punishing him (draining)

I hope this post has been useful.

Anne Walsh
www.artnsoul.org